long-distance love

[WolfThomas]

Currently doing 600km between. But it's only for like 7 more weeks then I have plenty of time with her. Skype is pretty useful.

 

[Aurgelmir]

I don't get this at all.

I've seen another user do this too, how can you have a relationship with someone you have never met?

trust. patience. love. as cliche as it is, you get to know the person first, not their skin, and learn what THEY are like.

Except you don't. Like at all. You get to know the side of them they want you to see. It's a lot easier to hide aspects of your life when you live in another country, have no mutual acquaintances or really anything to go by at all really.

I mean what's a relationship without the physical side? I have an incredibly close friend, like a brother practically, probably closer to him and than any girlfriend I've had. Think Turk and JD, only thing that separates us from a relationship is we don't fuck each others brains out.

Also part of the fun of a relationship is about experiencing life together. Long distance all you have is telling each other about your lives. You can't go out with them on dates. Sorry if this comes across as offensive, I just get annoyed when people try to act like wanting a physical aspect to a relationship somehow lessens it.

nobody is acting like that at all. I want the physical aspect, but it's not an option right now. And maybe over the short term someone can lie, but not over the long term. long-distance relationships require patience and honesty, and isn't that what every relationship is built on?

The problem as I have seen from experience and others is two fold:

One part becomes to clingy, never letting the other have alone time without having to "report in" (This happens a bit to much in normal relationships as well)

Secondly one part wants physical conduct, and gets it elsewhere. Or just falls for someone else that is closer by.


So yeah long distance is doomed to fail if you can't meet on a regular basis in my experience...

Sorry

 

[smithy_2045]

If you don't even try, it can never work.

 

[Ulquiorra4sama]

I've been in an online relationship for well over two years. I think we'll tip three years sometime this summer and things are going great. Of course it hurts not to be able to physically hold her or sleep next to her and all that kind of stuff, but i think it'll only enhance the experience when i meet her this summer. Even now just being able to see her face and hear her voice through skype is great.

Sorry if it got a bit gooey there, but i'm a man in love.

 

[Griffolion]

-snip-

I met my girl at Christmas when I was visiting friends in the states (I'm English). We've not stopped emailing and Skyping since I went back, and I'm going back to see her at the end of May.

It's hard, I just want to be close to her. But there's still something in me that always hopes for the best and looks forward to the sweetness of being with her.

Crazy thing this long distance stuff.

 

[Bertylicious]

"In most cases long distance relationships never work."

Technically, most relations will never work. Not if the criteria for success is someone involved ending up dead before it ends.

Long distance relationships are awesome if you want a low-maintenance alternative that gives you something to do with your holiday time.

 

[juyunseen]

I'm in a long distance relationship as well, but I met her before she became my GF. My family moved, her's stayed, so we've been apart for 4 years.

I respect anyone else who can make it work, so the OP makes me happy.


Also, I'll be seeing her in September finally. Can't wait!

 

[Soraryuu]

This video seems very relevant. [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRkgH7Uu-hA]

My two closest friends live in the US, while I'm stuck on the other side of the pond. While it's nothing more than a friendship, I have feelings for one of them. Haven't told her, however. I long to touch them pretty much every day.

 

[spartan231490]

I don't get this at all.

I've seen another user do this too, how can you have a relationship with someone you have never met?

They did meet, they just never met in person. Vastly different things. Also, the heart wants what the heart wants and has never listened to reason.

OT: I've never done this myself, but I've had a few friends do it, and all in all I think the best way to cope is to have faith that it will all work out if it's meant to be. As lame as that is. I mean, there are dozens of ways you can make the distance less of a factor, but in the end it still makes every single thing about a relationship harder, so I think it helps to just have faith.

 

[BlindTom]

I remember meeting with a group of people I got on well with online. We all got drunk, hogtied one of the guys coming to the meet naked in the woods and then left him there for like six hours. We came back at dawn and took high definition artistic photographs of him to post on the community forum. He was quite a good sport about it but it goes to show that you never really know someone based exclusively on the shit they write. We fucking told him we were going to do it to anyone who got drunk enough but he misinterpreted the overall mood.

A relationship can be perpetuated through prosthetics but unless you have grown up without exposure to facial expressions, skin contact, pheromones and the like then you cannot establish a relationship without them. You could kiss them and suddenly get that "I'm kissing my brother" sensation. That's chemicals not magical soulmate mumbo jumbo. When you establish a relationship you need your wits about you. You need to have a full suite of sensations available and you need to have instand feedback for your decisions.

It is incredibly difficult to establish this required sense of presence on the internet, and even if you do there is no guarantee that you are experiencing the same things as the other person.

 

[Amberella]

I'm currently engaged to the most wonderful man ever! He lives in the UK and I live in the US. We've been together for over 3 years now and I am very much in love with that man. My last trip over last June he proposed to me. <3 I'm going back this June to stay with him for two weeks. And I'm planning to move over at the end of next year and we're planning to get married around that time, too.

It's definitely not easy being in a long distance relationship but I wouldn't trade it for the world. He's caring, compassionate about his views and completely reliable. He's the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. <3

 

[Bertylicious]

I remember meeting with a group of people I got on well with online. We all got drunk, hogtied one of the guys coming to the meet naked in the woods and then left him there for like six hours. We came back at dawn and took high definition artistic photographs of him to post on the community forum. He was quite a good sport about it but it goes to show that you never really know someone based exclusively on the shit they write. We fucking told him we were going to do it to anyone who got drunk enough but he misinterpreted the overall mood.

A relationship can be perpetuated through prosthetics but unless you have grown up without exposure to facial expressions, skin contact, pheromones and the like then you cannot establish a relationship without them. You could kiss them and suddenly get that "I'm kissing my brother" sensation. That's chemicals not magical soulmate mumbo jumbo. When you establish a relationship you need your wits about you. You need to have a full suite of sensations available and you need to have instand feedback for your decisions.

It is incredibly difficult to establish this required sense of presence on the internet, and even if you do there is no guarantee that you are experiencing the same things as the other person.

I respectfully disagree. Is it not possible to read a book and feel affinity for the characters even though you've never laid eyes on them? Even though they aren't even real?

Also what is all this about "instant feedback"? You make relationships sound like clinical excercises. They're always messy, organic things. They have extremeties. It doesn't matter whether you meet by grabbing each other's arses on a dance floor or whether you've seduced her by composing "Mass Effect: Answers!?" on some forum somewhere; at some point there will be butterflies in stomaches.

 

[Bertylicious]

Indeed, one could argue that one only ever interacts with one's own, internal, conceptions of other people and that the real individuals are all entirely secondary to our own perceptions of that person.

 

[BlindTom]

I remember meeting with a group of people I got on well with online. We all got drunk, hogtied one of the guys coming to the meet naked in the woods and then left him there for like six hours. We came back at dawn and took high definition artistic photographs of him to post on the community forum. He was quite a good sport about it but it goes to show that you never really know someone based exclusively on the shit they write. We fucking told him we were going to do it to anyone who got drunk enough but he misinterpreted the overall mood.

A relationship can be perpetuated through prosthetics but unless you have grown up without exposure to facial expressions, skin contact, pheromones and the like then you cannot establish a relationship without them. You could kiss them and suddenly get that "I'm kissing my brother" sensation. That's chemicals not magical soulmate mumbo jumbo. When you establish a relationship you need your wits about you. You need to have a full suite of sensations available and you need to have instand feedback for your decisions.

It is incredibly difficult to establish this required sense of presence on the internet, and even if you do there is no guarantee that you are experiencing the same things as the other person.

I respectfully disagree. Is it not possible to read a book and feel affinity for the characters even though you've never laid eyes on them? Even though they aren't even real?

Also what is all this about "instant feedback"? You make relationships sound like clinical excercises. They're always messy, organic things. They have extremeties. It doesn't matter whether you meet by grabbing each other's arses on a dance floor or whether you've seduced her by composing "Mass Effect: Answers!?" on some forum somewhere; at some point there will be butterflies in stomaches.

What I meant by instant feedback was more along the lines of seeing someone react in realtime to my own actions. If this doesn't happen I don't feel like I'm in the room with them, if I don't know how comfortable I feel in the room with someone then I would consider that not knowing them enough to engage in a relationship.

The book thing is an interesting point but personally I have never felt romantic love for a character in a book because they're not "real" to me. I have felt empathy and investment in their feelings, I have felt that they are a real believable person but also that much of what makes them real has come from me rather than them. The words in the book convey a fictional construct which, whilst in many ways similar to the one the author had in mind, is not identical. People are going to put words and feelings in each other's mouth and on each other's face during online communication much moreso than in real life, and I can tell you from personal experience that putting the wrong thing in somebody's mouth or on somebody's face does not a healthy relationship make.

 

[Bertylicious]

I remember meeting with a group of people I got on well with online. We all got drunk, hogtied one of the guys coming to the meet naked in the woods and then left him there for like six hours. We came back at dawn and took high definition artistic photographs of him to post on the community forum. He was quite a good sport about it but it goes to show that you never really know someone based exclusively on the shit they write. We fucking told him we were going to do it to anyone who got drunk enough but he misinterpreted the overall mood.

A relationship can be perpetuated through prosthetics but unless you have grown up without exposure to facial expressions, skin contact, pheromones and the like then you cannot establish a relationship without them. You could kiss them and suddenly get that "I'm kissing my brother" sensation. That's chemicals not magical soulmate mumbo jumbo. When you establish a relationship you need your wits about you. You need to have a full suite of sensations available and you need to have instand feedback for your decisions.

It is incredibly difficult to establish this required sense of presence on the internet, and even if you do there is no guarantee that you are experiencing the same things as the other person.

I respectfully disagree. Is it not possible to read a book and feel affinity for the characters even though you've never laid eyes on them? Even though they aren't even real?

Also what is all this about "instant feedback"? You make relationships sound like clinical excercises. They're always messy, organic things. They have extremeties. It doesn't matter whether you meet by grabbing each other's arses on a dance floor or whether you've seduced her by composing "Mass Effect: Answers!?" on some forum somewhere; at some point there will be butterflies in stomaches.

What I meant by instant feedback was more along the lines of seeing someone react in realtime to my own actions. If this doesn't happen I don't feel like I'm in the room with them, if I don't know how comfortable I feel in the room with someone then I would consider that not knowing them enough to engage in a relationship.

The book thing is an interesting point but personally I have never felt romantic love for a character in a book because they're not "real" to me. I have felt empathy and investment in their feelings, I have felt that they are a real believable person but also that much of what makes them real has come from me rather than them. The words in the book convey a fictional construct which, whilst in many ways similar to the one the author had in mind, is not identical. People are going to put words and feelings in each other's mouth and on each other's face during online communication much moreso than in real life, and I can tell you from personal experience that putting the wrong thing in somebody's mouth or on somebody's face does not a healthy relationship make.

I like the cut of jib BT, can I call you BT?

Anyroad, I naturally accept the point that non face-to-face interaction lacks that tactile element that provides such a thrill when you divulge your desire to a lady and see her recoil in horror. Perhaps then part of the attraction of the long distance relationship is insulation from this sensory overload.

Now it could be said that this isn't a "real" relationship and that any relationship built on such a premise will collapse like a wet cake but if 2 people share the same social inadequacy then maybe they will share a connection on a more visceral level than they might have been able to enjoy in a more "authentic" setting.

 

[BlindTom]

I remember meeting with a group of people I got on well with online. We all got drunk, hogtied one of the guys coming to the meet naked in the woods and then left him there for like six hours. We came back at dawn and took high definition artistic photographs of him to post on the community forum. He was quite a good sport about it but it goes to show that you never really know someone based exclusively on the shit they write. We fucking told him we were going to do it to anyone who got drunk enough but he misinterpreted the overall mood.

A relationship can be perpetuated through prosthetics but unless you have grown up without exposure to facial expressions, skin contact, pheromones and the like then you cannot establish a relationship without them. You could kiss them and suddenly get that "I'm kissing my brother" sensation. That's chemicals not magical soulmate mumbo jumbo. When you establish a relationship you need your wits about you. You need to have a full suite of sensations available and you need to have instand feedback for your decisions.

It is incredibly difficult to establish this required sense of presence on the internet, and even if you do there is no guarantee that you are experiencing the same things as the other person.

I respectfully disagree. Is it not possible to read a book and feel affinity for the characters even though you've never laid eyes on them? Even though they aren't even real?

Also what is all this about "instant feedback"? You make relationships sound like clinical excercises. They're always messy, organic things. They have extremeties. It doesn't matter whether you meet by grabbing each other's arses on a dance floor or whether you've seduced her by composing "Mass Effect: Answers!?" on some forum somewhere; at some point there will be butterflies in stomaches.

What I meant by instant feedback was more along the lines of seeing someone react in realtime to my own actions. If this doesn't happen I don't feel like I'm in the room with them, if I don't know how comfortable I feel in the room with someone then I would consider that not knowing them enough to engage in a relationship.

The book thing is an interesting point but personally I have never felt romantic love for a character in a book because they're not "real" to me. I have felt empathy and investment in their feelings, I have felt that they are a real believable person but also that much of what makes them real has come from me rather than them. The words in the book convey a fictional construct which, whilst in many ways similar to the one the author had in mind, is not identical. People are going to put words and feelings in each other's mouth and on each other's face during online communication much moreso than in real life, and I can tell you from personal experience that putting the wrong thing in somebody's mouth or on somebody's face does not a healthy relationship make.

I like the cut of jib BT, can I call you BT?

Anyroad, I naturally accept the point that non face-to-face interaction lacks that tactile element that provides such a thrill when you divulge your desire to a lady and see her recoil in horror. Perhaps then part of the attraction of the long distance relationship is insulation from this sensory overload.

Now it could be said that this isn't a "real" relationship and that any relationship built on such a premise will collapse like a wet cake but if 2 people share the same social inadequacy then maybe they will share a connection on a more visceral level than they might have been able to enjoy in a more "authentic" setting.

Yeah I'd never rule it out entirely. I just find it... Inadvisable. Friendships certainly can bloom online, and you never know- despite the internet's current obsession with the "friendzone"- whether such a thing might grow into something more. I just think that extra step requires the couple to establish a physical environment where they feel as comfortable as they do online. No matter how much they enjoy the current online setting there is information that can't survive the passage through the computer.

 

[Something Amyss]

Except you don't. Like at all. You get to know the side of them they want you to see.

This is only as true as it is with any relationship.

It's a lot easier to hide aspects of your life when you live in another country, have no mutual acquaintances or really anything to go by at all really.

What else is covered by "anything to go by?"

Another country: Maybe.
No mutual acquaintances: Well, this can happen in your own town or even your own neighbourhood. I dated a girl for eight years with zero common friends.

You can't go out with them on dates.

Not everyone wants to go out on dates.

Basically, this reads as "people who have different values and priorities are wrong, partially for things that are true of my values and priorities, too."

I know you apologize if it sounds offensive, but the problem is, you're still basing this solely on the way you want to do things and will cut corners to demonstrate it is right. It's a tragedy that not everyone wants to do things your way, really, but that's how life works.

 

[Wintermoot]

two of my friends do this we all live in Holland but they both have girlfriends in the United States. And with one of them its really strong.

 

[deathzero021]

i used to be the same way. me and my gf met on an online game. we 'went out online' for about a year before i visited her. she lived in Florida, I in Pennsylvania. however when i did visit her for the first time during summer vacation, i didn't want to leave. so i didn't. i moved in with her and have been in Florida since than =3

it worked out well for me. i just transferred to the University here and all was good. also got a job i've kept for a year now.

 

[FamoFunk]

Not for me, I like to physically see the person I'm with on a regular basis, not just every few months/years. I have a partner I live with; but it was never long-distance.

But each to their own, I really don't care if other people do it; unless it comes to a point the person they've never met yet has unintentionally managed to strain friendships and such.