Male Perspective Needed
- Thread starter Blue Sonnet
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I'm guessing because they promised to tell each other when they find someone, he's apparently found someone and left her to find out on her own. It seems like more a breach of trust than any kind jealousy to me. I know that if someone made a promise to me and then broke it for no good reason I wouldn't be in a hurry to trust that person again.Caliostro said:
At OP: Am I right in saying that? If that's the case, I'd confront him and ask him point blank why he didn't tell you after promising to do so. Just be aware that he'll almost definitely either avoid answering or come up with some excuse.
Yes you would. Just remember the capacity to do something does not imply the necessity to do so. If the conditions were met, you would lie to a friend about it, it's all about what conditions have to be met.Cahlee said:
Possible reasons? Well, let's see: They were engaged and together for 4 years, they broke up, he's been talking to her when he's down, isn't it possible that he might feel a little weird telling her about the new girl...? Or that he doesn't wanna risk making things between them awkward cause he values her friendship? Just saying.
I think that either he is feeling a lot of regret for what he's done and doesn't have the guts to break up with his girlfriend. Either that, or he is trying to take complete advantage over you. My advice: APPROACH WITH CAUTION. Try talking to his current girlfriend to see if you can become friends. If you do click, then talk about the dude of the equation. If this doesn't work out, then wait and see what happens with his current ladyfriend. If you do have feelings for this guy, then talk to him more after his current relationship. Maybe something will happen.
Note: these are suggestions, and please think through all of your possible plans. Most of all: be careful.
Note: these are suggestions, and please think through all of your possible plans. Most of all: be careful.
The first paragraph is probably quite accurate - this was his first relationship, we were engaged, spent almost all our time together etc.meatloaf231 said:
The last paragraph isn't something I really have to panic about. We speak, but only every fortnight or so, so I'm honestly not worried about him dragging me down with him, I just honestly want to know what's going on with him.
Thank you everyone for your input, it's really helping having another perspective on things.
Where we come to four alternatives:Optimus Prime said:
- Get him professional help
- Try to help him and face problems of making him think you will come back to him, while you still may fail and THEN you will feel like you screwed up.
- Burn the bridge.
- Treat him as a friend.
Which brings you back to the point where it doesn't matter when you will tell him, the emotions in him grew longer, and he got well accustomed to them.fullmetalangel said:
you're obviously jaded here or extremely egotistical if you will want to put perhaps a few spare hours in exchange of not risking potential health hazard to another person. like i said, you wouldn't cross a road before a car passes by because of the health risk. better to wait a few seconds and then cross, and ignore the risk altogether.fullmetalangel said:
1: Working on it, on antidepressants and trying to get counsellingraxiv said:
2: What I'm worried about
3: Feeling a little late in the day for that, but we don't speak often at the moment anyway (fortnightly, but with the usual "I'm there for you whenever" proviso we both have)
4: What I'm sincerely hoping for
Initially I'd say it sounds like his new 'girlfriend' is not a girlfriend, but a replacement you. The lying about her supports this, in the scenario that you assumed the same as I am now.
As for the heart pouring, I'd say he wants your pity to bring you back to him - meaning he doesn't have to ask or beg. He's jettisoning his dignity rather than facing a fear of rejection.
As for what to do, I actually have a friend who was in a similar situation, but nowhere near as in depth as yours - nonetheless, I advised her to break off all contact. She hasn't, and is still hounded by this pittying puppy dog, who was witnessed several of her other relationships in vain.
As for the heart pouring, I'd say he wants your pity to bring you back to him - meaning he doesn't have to ask or beg. He's jettisoning his dignity rather than facing a fear of rejection.
As for what to do, I actually have a friend who was in a similar situation, but nowhere near as in depth as yours - nonetheless, I advised her to break off all contact. She hasn't, and is still hounded by this pittying puppy dog, who was witnessed several of her other relationships in vain.
ask him what's wrong in the first place, there's obviously a reason behind his state of mind. assuming things that might be wrong and taking action upon those assumptions seldom works out well. if you get to know what's wrong, then you at least know the problem and you can figure out a solution from there.Blue Sonnet said:
1: She seems to be a nurse, which he has a thing for, and he said he was initially attracted to me because of a goth fetish.ContemporaryStudent said:
2: This should in theory work, but that's never really been how we were - I had several bad things happen when we were together, so I leaned on him most of the time. Maybe seeing me be a different person (happier, more outgoing) has changed his perspective, either romantically or in needing someone to lean on?
3: Poor girl - I've been single since we broke up (think my virginity has grown back to be honest), but if it came to that I'd draw the line - I couldn't be friends with someone just because they wanted a counsellor.
It's normally quite hard to draw out whats wrong with him, before we went out he was notorious for keeping schtum.
You weren't happy when you two were together/engaged?Blue Sonnet said:
I don't mean to sound heartless, but if you two were together, I'd like to think you would know each other inside out.. whatever route you take, you need to be firm with him. For people who only talk once a month or so, 7 calls in a week seems a tad obsessive, regardless of how your personality may change.
Your could of course be right, and it is your shoulder he wishes to lean on - clearly this new girl isn't up to his standards if he's going to his ex with problems. Although the heart pouring about everything - no specifics may suggest he's just looking for something to talk to you about, especially if pity is the only thing he thinks will keep you guilty enough to talk with him more often.
There are lots of reasons from childhood, but recently they are overwork in an attempt to keep his new house that he hardly spends time in but always wanted, plus the aforementioned machete attack in his parents shop, which is also his childhood home up until it happened.theklng said:
He's been signed up for counselling, CBT, but he keeps cancelling appointments because he only gets a weeks notice and he says that his work is busy - but he hasn't asked them about having the time off yet. He also says it'll take too long to drive there. Excuses ahoy.
He's had a full-on nervous breakdown in work a few months back, where the MD actually sent him home with someone to drive him. His doctor wanted to sign him off for a few months, but him being him, he only took a week.
He has good and bad patches, which he says get worse when he thinks too much about things, especially the attack, which screams out that he needs to talk about it to a professional. I only have minimal training through the volunteering that I do, so he really needs to talk to someone properly.
But, again, there is only so much that I can do.
I wasn't happy, but that was due to some pretty nasty outside situations, as opposed to our relationship. At least part of it, if he does still like me, is that I'm no longer like that, so he thinks that things may work out now that I'm better. The irony is that now he seems to be in the position I was, and that would doom things from the start.ContemporaryStudent said:
The calling pattern is pretty usual, we don't speak often, but when we do it is because he's been trying desperately to get in touch with me, which probably coincides with his depressive episodes, come to think of it. He might be desperate for some security at this stage.
Regardless, it's looking more and more like he still does want something more than friendship, and thats something I can't give him. He desperately needs a friend though, he has absolutely none right now (that are in the country), he doesn't seem to count the new girl as one, and that's really saddening.
yeah, jaded to say the least. you're being completely careless to another person in what you say. i'm not one to advocate that all people are equal or that you (and by extension, your time) aren't worth more than anyone else. but let me ask then, if you're so careless about people, friends and others, what are you doing here replying to a thread that requires more feeling than logic? do you even consider the consequence of your own action, or that other possibilities may exist (such as that there is a problem with his new girlfriend)?fullmetalangel said:
would you at the slightest chance of danger just cut everything off and run? there are very few things i can't stand, but this type of cowardice makes my blood boil. don't give emotional advice if you're emotionally jaded.
If I may suggest, the jaded offer an interesting outlook. Not all of us are cynics.theklng said: