Male Perspective Needed

[Art Axiv]

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Let's become everyone elses nurses, family and lovers. Let it be peace in the world. Thank you hypocrites, try to do it on your own first, and then go write on bbs' . It is impossible for ANY person to undergo such thorough investigation without suffering through change - one way or another, and he's in the past, trying to get into the present. As I wrote in the previous posts. Evaluate, and act.

 

[leugim789]

i feel like hes having troubles with that girl and that because of it he might have come to you but not been able to say anything because he's embarrassed of having a net girlfriend. i doubt hes trying to do a double dip because by the sounds of it his life is in shambles and hes on meds, i don think he would have the energy or the correct state of mind to try to get two women at once. i feel like maybe he is just trying to reach out and feels that you are one of the people that knew him the best, be very careful what you do, end anything if he wants to get you to be with him and have a net girlfriend, but if it doesnt seem like that he might be trying to reach out before he reaches the final fatal stage.......

 

[theklng]

ask him what's wrong in the first place, there's obviously a reason behind his state of mind. assuming things that might be wrong and taking action upon those assumptions seldom works out well. if you get to know what's wrong, then you at least know the problem and you can figure out a solution from there.

There are lots of reasons from childhood, but recently they are overwork in an attempt to keep his new house that he hardly spends time in but always wanted, plus the aforementioned machete attack in his parents shop, which is also his childhood home up until it happened.

He's been signed up for counselling, CBT, but he keeps cancelling appointments because he only gets a weeks notice and he says that his work is busy - but he hasn't asked them about having the time off yet. He also says it'll take too long to drive there. Excuses ahoy.

He's had a full-on nervous breakdown in work a few months back, where the MD actually sent him home with someone to drive him. His doctor wanted to sign him off for a few months, but him being him, he only took a week.

He has good and bad patches, which he says get worse when he thinks too much about things, especially the attack, which screams out that he needs to talk about it to a professional. I only have minimal training through the volunteering that I do, so he really needs to talk to someone properly.

But, again, there is only so much that I can do.

maybe he's trying to contact you for a reason. a man in his place wouldn't abandon counseling or better practice methods for your listening unless there was something he felt that you could help him with (i apologize for the statement of inferiority, it is easiest explained that way). try to see if he still wants to talk, and if it works, push him to tell you about the problem. from there on out, try to figure out a professional solution for the problem (once you find out what it is).

 

[Blue Sonnet]

i feel like hes having troubles with that girl and that because of it he might have come to you but not been able to say anything because he's embarrassed of having a net girlfriend. i doubt hes trying to do a double dip because by the sounds of it his life is in shambles and hes on meds, i don think he would have the energy or the correct state of mind to try to get two women at once. i feel like maybe he is just trying to reach out and feels that you are one of the people that knew him the best, be very careful what you do, end anything if he wants to get you to be with him and have a net girlfriend, but if it doesnt seem like that he might be trying to reach out before he reaches the final fatal stage.......

Sorry if I wasn't clear, she seems to be a real life girlfriend, there were MANY pics of her with her arms around him (not the other way around, but that might be reading too much into it) on Facebook.

 

[Blue Sonnet]

Ooh, just remembered something! Argh, can't believe I forgot!

My sister found the Facebook page whilst I was talking to him downstairs, and showed me after he'd gone, adding him as a friend to test the waters. When we spoke via IM later, I dropped hints asking him about Facebook and whether it was any good. He swore that he'd not been on any networking sites recently, which I called him on, but the connection possibly dropped.
After the telephone conversation, my sister went back to the site, and he'd been online and rejected her friend application.

I can't believe I forgot that part.

 

[hypothetical fact]

Ooh, just remembered something! Argh, can't believe I forgot!

My sister found the Facebook page whilst I was talking to him downstairs, and showed me after he'd gone, adding him as a friend to test the waters. When we spoke via IM later, I dropped hints asking him about Facebook and whether it was any good. He swore that he'd not been on any networking sites recently, which I called him on, but the connection possibly dropped.
After the telephone conversation, my sister went back to the site, and he'd been online and rejected her friend application.

I can't believe I forgot that part.

A good relationship is built on honesty, friend or otherwise. If he doesn't want to be honest then ditch him; if he kills himself or something because of you ditching him and depression just remember that if you don't he will be a rock attached to your leg for years to come.

 

[leugim789]

oh.........well that changes everything. THE LYING BASTARD!!! nah just kidding, well look a little more into it if he keeps "dropping the connection" then drop yours. hope this helps

 

[theklng]

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Let's become everyone elses nurses, family and lovers. Let it be peace in the world. Thank you hypocrites, try to do it on your own first, and then go write on bbs' . It is impossible for ANY person to undergo such thorough investigation without suffering through change - one way or another, and he's in the past, trying to get into the present. As I wrote in the previous posts. Evaluate, and act.

you're saying evaluate and act with one hand, and postulating an absolute statement yourself with the other. don't be a hypocrite.

i'm well aware of what i am saying and i have the best intentions on solving the issue at hand. if you want to fling more poo around, feel free, but i'm not going to sit and discuss credibility with you. i have nothing further to say in this conflict.

 

[Doomhammer828]

Well the logical thing to do would be to talk to him about her and ask why he didn't bring her up and if you think the reason is valid then think nothing of it, however if you want to avoid conflict (probably the route i would take) then the next time that he is "spilling his heart out" tell him (nicely) that he should be talking with his girlfriend about that kind of stuff.

 

[Apocalypse Tank]

In case you have time to kill
Iam always available for casual chat

 

[Blue Sonnet]

Oh that is a twist. Is there any chance (don't shoot me down for this) that maybe he is trying to distance himself? Just an idea, but do you think (as he hasn't told you) he trying to make a life for himself but he doesn't want the new to meet the old?

That's fine, but why? My sister says it's because the new girl is, *ahem*, "plainer" than I am, but I've never cared about that sort of thing, and to my knowledge neither has he.

I wonder if she's maybe a jealous type or has low self esteem, but then all he has to do is tell me that - it's not as if we go out for drinks or live in the same area and might bump into each other?

There is the possibility he is ashamed of me, his family absolutely hated me - there is no way that they would not have mentioned me as an evil ex that she's way better for him than.

 

[cleverlymadeup]

ok some of this might be helpful and some of it might sound a bit harsh but can be helpful

1. if you want to know about his situation, ask direct questions. he should reply with an answer and not a question, a question means he's hiding something

2. tell him in no uncertain terms that you are just friends and will stay that way, tho if he pushes to be more he'll lose you

3. listen to him and offer advice, don't push him into things, much like a drug addict he won't get help unless he wants it and it will piss him off

4. as for the attack thing, tell him to grow a pair and get over it, it happened years ago and is in the past now from the sounds of it many years in the past. if it happened a couple years ago sure he can be shaky over it but from the sounds of it was more than 10 or 15 years ago

i don't think you give him his papers and tell him to get to stepping but i do think you should dump a nice big bucket of ice water on his head and give him a smack or five to smarten the hell up

 

[Blue Sonnet]

Well the logical thing to do would be to talk to him about her and ask why he didn't bring her up and if you think the reason is valid then think nothing of it, however if you want to avoid conflict (probably the route i would take) then the next time that he is "spilling his heart out" tell him (nicely) that he should be talking with his girlfriend about that kind of stuff.

Looks like there's no avoiding that a heart to heart is needed. I originally was thinking of letting him bring this up in his own time, but I waited two hours tonight and it didn't happen. I won't go out of my way to contact him though, just in case, as I really don't want to fuel any fires.

The evil part of me wants to blurt out ""xxxx" is a nice name, isn't it?" but I'd never do that. It'd be incredibly insensitive and unhelpful. But fun nonetheless.

In case you have time to kill
Iam always available for casual chat

Thank you hun, I might take you up on that!

 

[theklng]

That's fine, but why? My sister says it's because the new girl is, *ahem*, "plainer" than I am, but I've never cared about that sort of thing, and to my knowledge neither has he.

I wonder if she's maybe a jealous type or has low self esteem, but then all he has to do is tell me that - it's not as if we go out for drinks or live in the same area and might bump into each other?

There is the possibility he is ashamed of me, his family absolutely hated me - there is no way that they would not have mentioned me as an evil ex that she's way better for him than.

with what you said before about the dropping connection, i think it's pretty obvious that he doesn't want to talk about the new girlfriend. while this is still an assumption, he has gone to lengths to ignore it. you can cut him off at any time, but i'd look into this and get him to confess that there is a problem with this.

you could say that if he values your friendship, then he should tell you or you'll cut him off. if he's fine with that, problem solved. if not, you get to know what's wrong.

 

[Blue Sonnet]

ok some of this might be helpful and some of it might sound a bit harsh but can be helpful

1. if you want to know about his situation, ask direct questions. he should reply with an answer and not a question, a question means he's hiding something

2. tell him in no uncertain terms that you are just friends and will stay that way, tho if he pushes to be more he'll lose you

3. listen to him and offer advice, don't push him into things, much like a drug addict he won't get help unless he wants it and it will piss him off

4. as for the attack thing, tell him to grow a pair and get over it, it happened years ago and is in the past now from the sounds of it many years in the past. if it happened a couple years ago sure he can be shaky over it but from the sounds of it was more than 10 or 15 years ago

i don't think you give him his papers and tell him to get to stepping but i do think you should dump a nice big bucket of ice water on his head and give him a smack or five to smarten the hell up

No problem, all help appreciated, and a little evil humour helps me feel better.

1: It's a pain in the arse getting him to meet face to face, but we'll have to do it sometime, and that's probably the best way to do things.

2: He's never pushed for that sort of thing, but hints have been occasionally dropped for a long time now. I don't want him to keep thinking "what if". We have discussed this before, and I was clear at the time that it's too long gone, but today has really messed things up.

3: Very typical of him, his father is a misogynistic git and he has some strange ideas about what it takes to be a strong man.

4: The attack was around a year and a half, or two years ago, sorry it wasn't clearer.

Thank you again tons for everyone's help, its honestly making me feel so much better.

 

[Blue Sonnet]

Maybe, through no fault of your own, he sees your relationship as his past and, as it didn't work out, maybe he associates that with his problems. So he tries to tel you his problems and keep all the negativity together meanwhile having his new relationship where there aren't problems ('cos he unfairly dumped them on you). Just an idea, and you know him better than all of us.

Interesting theory - he does tend to bunch stages of his life together, but then again the worst parts of his life were with his family, and they talk about absolutely nothing. They don't even give each other presents, only money in cards, and that screams repression to me.

I might very well be the first person he's ever been able to talk to openly. But it still makes me sad that he can't do that in the new relationship.

Also, I'd assume that someone with such a negative association would be someone that you'd want to avoid? Seeing me again, especially in person, would bring back bad memories.

 

[Sewblon]

I have never been in a relationship but my guess would be that he doesn't know how to explain this without sounding callous.

 

[ContemporaryStudent]

Interesting theory - he does tend to bunch stages of his life together, but then again the worst parts of his life were with his family, and they talk about absolutely nothing. They don't even give each other presents, only money in cards, and that screams repression to me.

I might very well be the first person he's ever been able to talk to openly. But it still makes me sad that he can't do that in the new relationship.

Also, I'd assume that someone with such a negative association would be someone that you'd want to avoid? Seeing me again, especially in person, would bring back bad memories.

I think optimus is on to something, and if you are right about his family being repressive, maybe his memories of you are what he's clinging to, despite the break up. Maybe a 'lesser of two evils' ideal?

 

[Blue Sonnet]

I think optimus is on to something, and if you are right about his family being repressive, maybe his memories of you are what he's clinging to, despite the break up. Maybe a 'lesser of two evils' ideal?

I definitely think so - whatever image he has of me is almost definitely idealised by now, the question is what into. Either someone who he first fell in love with for the first time, or someone he can tell all his troubles to without comeback.

You did say he was seeing less of you.

But I don't know, I'm no Freud. You know, this may sound wierd, but I'm sure there are professionals who can assess the situation for you. A phyciatrist may be able to tell you why he does what he does, because his phyciatrist won't tell you due to Dr./patient confidentiality.

When we first broke up, we didn't speak for around six months. Can't remember how we got back in contact, but the fortnightly thing has been going on since then.

Oh, I'd love for him to see a psychiatrist. All this would be so much easier, and probably non-existent.

All through this I keep feeling sorry for the other girl though, I'm not sure why, but my instincts say so.

 

[DayDark]

I've been reading this thread trying to think of something clever to say, but everybody has already stated the most.

I'm with the comfort group, meaning I think his requesting comfort, comfort that he isn't getting from his new relationship, security that he had with you, you know the shiny days of the past is made more incredible by nostalgia.

however, you say you have changed, maybe he has changed as well, it seems weird that he tries to hide his new girlfriend, I think it is because of the promise you two made about letting each other know about new partners. I also think that maybe he is hiding it because he doesn't want to write off any potential romance with you, the new girl not living up to the glamour picture that is his relationship with you, or he just doesn't like the idea of you thinking it's okay to date again, wouldn't fit into his view of you + him.