Mall Fight RP: (CLOSED) (FINISHED)

[Saltarius]

"PADDY I'M SO SORRY AND NOW WE'RE GOING TO DIE."

Salt-Two briefly looks about in his suit before testing it's capabilities out on several stores,the hand blasters first, Iron-Man style.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me."

Paddt-Two runs about, gathering various books presumably filled with arcane spells, using them to summon various badass gear, resembling daedric armor.

"I just wanted to play God. And now God has played me."

 

[Paddy the Second]

"Fuckfuckfuckfuck. Ok, wait. What's that noise?" A sobbing fills the mall. Footsteps are heard, a figure rugby tackles Paddy-Two into a storefront. "Yddap always did get jealous if there was another version of me, like, homicidally jealous."

 

[MinimanZombie]

As I sit there being tortured in Fluthlu's stomach, I start to contemplate certain things. Like what Eibmoz is up to. Technically, if he's in the mall, doesn't he re-spawn just like us- Oh shit. What could he be doing now? A tentacle rips off my foot. I hope it finally kills me soon. Because I want to re-spawn and show this fucker who's boss.

 

[Saltarius]

"GODDAMIT THERES A MILLION OF US EVERYWHERE."

I'm interrupted by gunfire as a suspicously bizarro van with a backwards G crashes through the nearby pharmacy as a familar figure steps out, toting an AK-47 and a cigar.

"Eht kcuf uoy neeb gniod." says Tlas.

"Basically, old friend, I deveopled a way to bring the dead back. It didn't go so well and now my revived body learned how to do it, and if he dies another me respawns."

"Tihs."

 

[Paddy the Second]

"OK, Yddap can wipe people from existence, unfortunately it's impossible to motivate him to do it to anyone but other versions of me. We need to make him jealous. We need to get Salt-Two to make a move on me after he's done with the alt me."

 

[Saltarius]

"Please, I can do this easy ."

I run over to Paddy-Two and begin to make several pelvic thrusting motions in his direction. Naturally pissed, he begins to chase blindly after me, firing a volley of different spells. One of them hits Salt-Two as his rampage continues. He stops and begins to fly after Paddy-Two, making it a modern day Benny Hill.

The battle comes down to Paddy-Two getting noticeably pissed at his counterparts corpse's awesome skills. He makes a wave of his hand and erases Paddy-Two from existence, Salt-Two to boot.

"We did i-Why the fuck are my hands fading? Paddy! What did you d-"

I'm cut off as I fade out of existence.

 

[Paddy the Second]

"Oh for fuck's sake. Yddap come here, come here. It's ok, come on." He hugs me. "It's ok, I'm here now. Bring Salt back, go on, bring him back. You can do it, I believe in you champ." Salt falls to the ground, bereft of his weapons and armour. "And his stuff." Which swiftly crashes down too, narrowly missing him. "Now run along." He runs off crying. "Salt, u ok?"

 

[Saltarius]

"I saw shit. I saw shit you would not believe. God fucking dammit Paddy, I saw R'lyeh itself. But yes, Paddy, I am physically fine. Now as long as Salt-Two isn't as smart as I am and builds existence-hopping vehicle, we're completely fine and this won't come back to bite our collective asses."

I then work on collecting the scattered tomes that Paddy-Two left behind and hand them to Paddy, grabbing Salt-Two's abandoned armor, suiting up.

 

[MinimanZombie]

I'm now down to only one arm left. This fucking thing must be enjoying itself. I close my eyes, as it would seem I have passed out. I notice Eibmoz. "Oh. Hey."
He growls in a slightly friendly manner.
"So, how's it going for you?"
He points to a live feed of him beating the shit out of something with what appears to be Eric's body.
"Oh. Reckon you could help me?"
He grunts.
"Ok. I need to inhabit your mind for a minute. You'll still be there, but I'll have a bit of control over you."
He looks at me confusedly.
"I made sure to implement it into you. I knew it would help."
He nods after a short while.
"Okay then!" Then, just like that, I'm controlling Eibmoz. I know I don't have much time. I finish beating the sludge monster, that Eib was originally fighting and run towards Paddy, Salt, Paddy- Wait what? Never mind, I need to inform them of all that I've learned. From being tortured and such. You learn stuff. I stand before them and try to tell them of what I've learnt. Except I just growl and grunt. Oh right. Fuck.

 

[Paddy the Second]

"Thank you. Wait. These are all backwards. Magic honestly doesn't make sense."

 

[Saltarius]

"Shit, we forgot one Paddy. Don't worry, I've got this."

I grab Eibmoz and proceed to fly up to the highest point in the mall, throw him upwards slightly, and punch him as hard as I can, killing him and making a small crater in the ground.

"It's like Zatanna, you have to read them backwards, naturally making Bizarro clones the best magicians. Now then, maybe we should find some slightly less crazy people to revive when, or rather, if, we get back to Earth."

 

[MinimanZombie]

Eib respawns. "I thought you could speak, but didn't! You let me down man!"
"Yep" He growls.
"Oh fuck you!" I steer him back towards the crew. I grab a white board and marker on my way. When I get there, I keep my distance and draw out a picture of a big ball of fire, going into Fluthlu. Because apparently, Eib only talks when he wants to troll me.

 

[Saltarius]

"Damn it, we already fried that fucke-wait, wait, this is clearly a message from the past!"

Eib nods excitedly as he begins to scribble somthing else on the board. I give less shits than a honey badger as I begin to construct a blue phonebox like object and begin hooking wires into Eib's brain.

"Allons-y, motherfuckers."

I utilize my amateur engineering skills to send the box and myself back into time to the battle gainst FLUTHLU, appearing beneath Zombie's feet.

"It's his fucking mouth isn't it."

He nods.

 

[Paddy the Second]

"Yeah Eibmoz, we defeated Fluthlu. When? In the past, a few hours ago. Also Salt, you can't kill Yddap if that's who you're talking about."

The two disappear in front of me. "Oh. Guess I'll get back to reading."

 

[MinimanZombie]

"Uh-Huh. Now could you kill me so I can re-spawn and kill this ************ once and for all!?" I say as a tentacle rips off my hand. "You know, this really fucking hurts, YOU GOD DAMNED ASSHOLE!" Fluthlu finally recognizes me and growls in joy.

 

[Saltarius]

I put Zombie out his misery as I begin to thrash about FLUTHLU's insides wildly with my blade outstretched, hoping to get his vital organs. I turn on the comm system Salt-Two installed and am surpirsed to hear vaugely Chinese words being heard on the other side. "Oh shit."

 

[MinimanZombie]

I re-spawn nearby. "Screw you rules, I have re-spawning abilities!" As always I re-spawn with my weapons and armor. I attach my blades and decide to try something. I grab a bunch of spears, and a Jerry can of gasoline. I run back up to the beast, douse a spear in the gas, light it on fire, and throw it into Fluthlu's mouth. Before I do, I yell to Salt, "Get out of there! He absorbed me, he'll probably do the same with you."

 

[Paddy the Second]

"What? Salt when did you get time travel? And why did you kill Zombie? Shit." I keep my fiery hands inside Fluthlu's wounds.

 

[Saltarius]

"Please, that's bulls-Who the fuck are you guys?"

Two asian men teleport into FLUTHLU's mouth and grab me, teleporting out. They bring me back to the present and throw me out on my ass in front of the occupied Paddy. I turn on the language translator to learn they are the Chinese Time Police from the Year 4XXX, looking for illegal time travelers. I tell them in translated Chinese that I meant no harm, and merely wished to aid my friend.

The two time agents nod, and in a flash of light, they're gone. "Why can't you do anything cool like that?" I ask Paddy, still reading.

 

[Paddy the Second]

"Maybe because I don't have the budget of the People's Republic of China behind me, I've been practicing magic for less than 24 hours and can't do anything without damaging my body, and I'm not from that far in the future.