Maths and Science Jokes!

crimson5pheonix

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A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".

The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced".

The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be empty again."
 

PersianLlama

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perfectimo said:
This is the biggest size I could find in about 10 minutes:
My AP Comp Sci teacher has the shirt. I want it >.<
 

crimson5pheonix

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There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road.

The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control.

Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff.

They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."

The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."

The programmer said "I think your both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."
 

John Tacos

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perfectimo said:
This is the biggest size I could find in about 10 minutes:
I laughed so hard when my friend couldn't get this. Thats one more virus for his compy! Cr0wned!
 

crimson5pheonix

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There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist sitting around late one evening, and they got to discussing which was the oldest profession. The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam's rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession in the world.

The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the oldest profession.

The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded, "Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?"
 

crimson5pheonix

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Teacher: What is 2k + k?
Student: 3000!

Teacher: "Who can tell me what 7 times 6 is?"
Student: "It's 42!"
Teacher: "Very good! - And who can tell me what 6 times 7 is?"
Same student: "It's 24!"

Theorem. A cat has nine tails.

Proof. No cat has eight tails. Since one cat has one more tail than no cat, it must have nine tails.
 

crimson5pheonix

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A stats professor plans to travel to a conference by plane. When he passes the security check, they discover a bomb in his carry-on-baggage. Of course, he is hauled off immediately for interrogation.
"I don't understand it!" the interrogating officer exclaims. "You're an accomplished professional, a caring family man, a pillar of your parish - and now you want to destroy that all by blowing up an airplane!"
"Sorry", the professor interrupts him. "I had never intended to blow up the plane."
"So, for what reason else did you try to bring a bomb on board?!"
"Let me explain. Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. That's quite high if you think about it - so high that I wouldn't have any peace of mind on a flight."
"And what does this have to do with you bringing a bomb on board of a plane?"
"You see, since the probability of one bomb being on my plane is 1/1000, the chance that there are two bombs is 1/1000000. If I already bring one, the chance of another bomb being around is actually 1/1000000, and I am much safer..."
 

Spacelord

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My car broke down, so I took it to a quantum mechanic.

"Can you fix it?" I asked.

He replied, "I'd have to see it first."


ZINGGGG
 

Calobi

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Hyper-space said:
gigastrike said:
You see, 10=2 in binary.
ahhhh.....



i still dont get it......

nah i kidd

edit: now i know more! and knowing is half the battle!
The other half is losing.

Wait, that's not right is it? Let me check...
 

crimson5pheonix

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Lazzi said:
can i hug you?
Yes you can.

Spacelord said:
My car broke down, so I took it to a quantum mechanic.

"Can you fix it?" I asked.

He replied, "I'd have to see it first."


ZINGGGG
Did you have a Schrodinger's engine?
 

Eldritch Warlord

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Limos said:
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
Photons don't have mass. Protons do.

Does this make photons Protestants?

No, it makes them Zoroastrians (I would say Jews but Zoroastrians came first).
 

the monopoly guy

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2 bears jump in the water, one in Minnesota, the other in Alaska. Which one disolves first?

The polar bear.
Threads like this make me love this place.
And feel stupid.
And smart.
 

Asymptote Angel

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An engineer is walking along the shore of a lake and he hears a voice cry out to him. Upon investigation, he finds a frog.
"Kiss me and I will turn into a beautiful princess!"

He does not say anything in response but picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. He continues walking. The frog speaks again.
"Didn't you hear me? I'll obey your every command!"

Still no response. He keeps going, with an ever-growing smile on his face. Finally the frog has had enough.
"Why won't you kiss me? You'll get a beautiful woman who'll serve you for the rest of your life!"
The engineer looks down and says, "I'm an engineer. I don't have the time or the energy to have a girlfriend. But a talking frog... now that's cool."
 

crimson5pheonix

It took 6 months to read my title.
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Psychologists subject an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician - a topologist, by the way - to an experiment: Each of them is locked in a room for a day - hungry, with a can of food, but without an opener; all they have is pencil and paper.
At the end of the day, the psychologists open the engineer's room first. Pencil and paper are unused, but the walls of the room are covered with dents. The engineer is sitting on the floor and eating from the open can: He threw it against the walls until it cracked open.
The physicist is next. The paper is covered with formulas, there is one dent in the wall, and the physicist is eating, too: He calculated how exactly to throw the can against the wall, so that it would crack open.
When the psychologists open the mathematician's room, the paper is also full of formulas, the can is still closed, and the mathematician has disappeared. But there are strange noises coming from inside the can...
Someone gets an opener and opens the can. The mathematician crawls out. "Damn! I got a sign wrong..."