My Bad jokes reserve is running low,

[AngryMongoose]

"Doctor, Doctor! I keep thinking I'm a bridge!"
"What's come over you lad!?"
"Well, so far, 3 cars, 2 buses and a lorry!"

So a Physicist, an Engineer and a Mathematician are taking a train to Scotland. Just after passing the border, the Engineer spots a black sheep out the window.
"Ah", says the Engineer, "As you can see, all the sheep in Scotland are black".
"Absurd!" quaffs the physicist, "All it suggests is that at least some of the sheep in Scotland are black!"
"Actually" smugly continues the Mathematician, "All it says is that there is at least one sheep in this part of Scotland, at least one side of which appears black."

What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.

This Duck walks into a Bar and asks the barman:
"Got any bread?"
And the Barman says:
"No"
So the Duck tries again:
"Got any bread?"
To which the barman replies:
"No...."
But the Duck says:
"Got any bread?"
The Barman, quite agitated at this point, angrily replies:
"NO!"
But the Duck continues:
"Got any bread?"
The Barman, quite furious at this point, shouts:
"Look! We've got Beer, Wine, and Peanuts. We don't have any bloody bread!"
Unrelenting, the Duck tries again:
"Got any bread":
The Barman, finally losing it, shouts:
"IF YOU ASK ME ONE MORE TIME IF I HAVE ANY BREAD, I'LL NAIL YOUR BEAK TO THIS BAR"
To which the Duck asks:
"Got any nails?"
To which the Barman says:
"No!"
So the duck asks:
"Got any bread?"

A horse walks into a bar and the Barman asks "Why the long face?"
To which he replies "Well my wife's just been diagnosed with cancer..."

What's the difference between a truckload of Bowling Balls and a truckload of Dead Babies? One is just an every day thing while the other is a tragic, tragic thing to see.

a man walks into a bar and say "ouch!"

Man walks into a Pub: "Ouch".

 

[AngryMongoose]

"Doctor, Doctor! I feel like I'm a pair of curtains!"
"Pull yourself together lad!"

"A man walks into a bar. Ow."

"It is funny because the word bar is a homonym. You expect the joke to be about a man entering a drinking facility but he is actually talking about hurting himself by walking into the other kind of bar."

Actually, if someone presented the joke to me like that, I'd find it pretty funny. I'd probably chance it to:
"It's funny because the word bar is a homonym. You expect the joke to be about a man entering a drinking facility, a common, perhaps clichéd, setup for a great many jokes, but in fact he is causing himself pain by walking into the long straight cylindrical piece of metal, also referred to as a "Bar". See, the joke almost works on several levels; not only is there a pun, but the joke also subverts the expectations of how the joke is suppose to go, and introduces an element of slapstick. Bravo, I say, to the man who coined this joke; Bravo."

An atom walks into a bar. "I've lost an electron!" he tells the bartender. "Are you sure?" the bartender replies. "I'm Positive!"

Personally I like to milk that pun for all it's worth. Usually, I go with "A proton and an electron are moving inside an atom.
'I think I'm attracted to you' says the proton to the electron.
'Are you sure?'
'I'm positive'"

The other form involves the proton saying to the electron "' your round". Coz... you know... "It's your round"... and... recent studies have shown the electron to be the roundest thing in the.... nevermind.

 

[Lt.Snuffles]

"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"The Gestapo"

 

[AngryMongoose]

"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"The Gestapo"

The... Gestapo-who?

Anyone know any good Garden Path jokes? They've become my favourite kind but I don't know many. I guess because they're better read.

 

[Harlemura]

What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

Spoiler

You can't hear an enzyme.

Well, I'm off to feel bad about what I just said.

 

[Arbi Trax]

Knock Knock

Who's There?

Please let me out of the cellar...

 

[busterkeatonrules]

An American, a Canadian, a Mexican, a Nazi, a donkey, Chuck Norris, a naked woman, two mimes and a guy holding a cactus with sunglasses walk into a bar. "Oh no," says the bartender, "not ANOTHER of these crappy jokes!"

 

[AngryMongoose]

[OT: What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

Hey, it's the first thing here to literally make me laugh.

 

[DueAccident]

My friend asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I said "Something Cuban". She got me a Che Guevara t-shirt.


Clothes but no cigar.

-----------------------------

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?


Oh, it's a really high number, you probably haven't heard of it.

----------------------------

Knock knock
Who's there
German border patrol
German border patrol wh...

WE WILL ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE.

----------------------------

A man was recently arrested for sabotaging the police's herb garden.

He was charged with wasting police thyme.

-----------------------------

An physicist, an engineer and a statistician were out hunting one day for deer. As they are walking along, they spot one, the physicist steps up to take a shot first.

Using his profession, he takes into account ballistic weight and drop, the distance to the target and so on. Fires the gun - 5 yards too long, damn.

The engineer does the same, steps up with his rifle, using whatever skills from his profession, taking into account air resistance and the like. Fires the gun - 5 yards too short, damn.

The statistician shouts "Yeah guys, we got him!"

 

[Blue_vision]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks why the long face.
The horse does not understand human speech, and walks back out, knocking over a few tables along the way.

 

[AngryMongoose]

What's the difference between a Duck?

Two of it's feets are both the same.

 

[joemegson94]

Stevie Wonder recieved a cheese grater for his birthday.

He said it was the worst book he's ever read.

 

[Exmigrant]

A mechanical Engineer, Civil Engineer, and an Electrical engineer are sitting at a bar.
The mechanical Engineer says "God is clearly a Mechanical engineer, Look at how the joints function like a well oiled machine."

The Electrical Engineer says in rebuttal "You're mistaken, god was clearly an electrical engineer you can note this by looking at the Nervous system and all the wiring of the human brain."

The Civil engineer points out that clearly god is a Civil Engineer, "Because only a civil engineer would run a waste disposal system through a recreational area."

~Hope people get that one.

 

[Liudeius]

I have one, it's really good, you need to read it.

Spoiler

Spoiler: Click to View

...
...
...

Spoiler: punchline

Do I need to tell it a second time?

Spoiler

Spoiler: Click to View

 

[cthulhumythos]

how do you make a frog immortal?

take away its vocal chords so it can't croak

 

[6_Qubed]

Okay so a guy walks into a bar. (GOD there are a ton of drunks in this thread.) He sits down at the bar and orders. Now, there's a guy roughly three seats down from him. Dude gets up, puts his cash on the bar, and walks to the back of the place, away from the door. He puts one foot on the wall, sorta plants it there, and starts walking up the wall. He does it again when he gets to the ceiling and starts walking towards the door, on the ceiling. When he gets to the bit of the ceiling just over the door, he stops, does a kind of hand-stand, pushes off of the ceiling, lands on the floor, in front of the door, walks out without comment.

First guy's watching this whole thing, and all he can think to say is "Well ain't that the damnedest thing."

Bartender says "Yeah, after a while you get used to people not saying goodbye when they leave."

 

[Labyrinth]

Then they are. Simple.

Unfortunately, it's not. The most apt description of this would be to say how many jokes do you know in which a middle-class white heterosexual able-bodied cis-male is the target? This is a kind of privilege, and the constant bombardment of jokes which target pretty much all other groups reinforce that.

For another demonstration, let's take a favourite of mine: sexual violence jokes. These include rape jokes, child abuse jokes, even roofie jokes and are characterised by being told from the perspective of the perpetrator in an attempt to seem edgy and evoke black humour. They can also trigger breakdowns for survivors of sexual violence. Now fair enough to argue that then they should simply not be told in that company, but this is a public forum. It is a space which can be read by anyone, including people who will be affected by it.

As such, when posting on a public forum, keep the offensive jokes out of it. We would like to think that our users would be decent enough people to avoid telling offensive jokes in other settings where they may have adverse effects on people, but we can't exercise any control over that. Here we can. I'll reiterate to say that offensive jokes will face the banhammer because they are offensive. They're not funny, they're just a reflection of privilege.

 

[Hipsy_Gypsy]

Why are pirates called pirates?

Because they aarrrre!

Why are pirates, pirates?
Because they arrrrr.

A baby seal walks into a club...

Goddamnit, you beat me to it!


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