Office party frustration

Tarkand

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Dec 15, 2009
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I'm posting this mainly to vent. You can judge me all you want :p. It just been a rather cathartic process for me to write down stuff that frustrates me and due to the somewhat delicate nature of this, I can't just type it anywhere.

So last night was my office party. They're always pretty great, with tons of free food and booze.

What's different this year is that there's a new girl. She's a geek, she's incredibly hot and she's 11 years younger than me (I'm 33). My wife hates her and is convinced she has a crush on me. This is something I used to find laughable.

See, I'm married to a non-geek. 15 years ago, geek girls didn't exist. :p... OK, they probably did, but they were rare enough that I never knew any. What is socially acceptable for men usually takes a few years to become socially acceptable for women in our society and being a geek wasn't even socially acceptable for men in the 90s... anyway, point in case, you kids are living in a golden age atm, where being geeky is borderline cool. But being a geeks and growing up in the 80s and 90s does havock on your self-confidence, especially with the ladies. So the idea that she could be interested in me as something more than someone to talk to about Isaac Asimov or Civ5 seems totally far fetched.

I've been feeling under the weather the whole week, so I'm filled with pills and already figured I wouldn't stay very long. I even arranged to pick up a few people and take them back home since it's on my way.

The party start, we end up sitting in front of each other and chat all night. She's funny and intelligent. I can actually talk about videogame and movies without getting 'the eyes' with her. Awesome evening. Food is over, the party moves to the dance floor. She's basically raw sexual energy out there - she's did ballet for 13 years, and while the jumping and grinding of pop music has very little to do with ballet, she knows how move.

As the party slow down and people start leaving (It's past 1am now), she just dances very close to me... and asks me what I want to do next. Do I want to go anywhere? Because she's game. At that very moment, she's the most beautiful woman in the world. :(

Now I'm never been really good at reading into female subtlety and I know I've been hit on in the past and not even realized it (It's damn near a running gag among my friends)... but this is starting to penetrate through even my thick skull.

But here it is... I'm sick and medicated and as result I'm tired (But I could probably power thru it). I have people counting on me for their ride back (But they can take taxi). And my wife is waiting for me at home (Things aren't going so good lately). I've never been a 'bad boy', I'm dutiful and loyal... so in the end, I tell her I'm leaving, and I do.

Pretty much started kicking myself as soon as I got into the car. Still kicking myself. Don't know when I'll stop.

Easy to take the high-road and say I didn't go along because it was the 'right' thing to do... but it's really because I was to much of a chicken and I hate myself for it. I hate myself for not going with her and seeing where it would have lead... but I also hate myself for regretting my decision - honesty and loyalty are pretty important values to me, and while I haven't cheated, I'm basically wishing I had. And then there's another part of my brain that's saying 'Dude, relax, it's all in your head... hot girls like that don't even give you the time of the day normally, you've just imagined that there was something going on'.

Here's hoping next year's party is less of a gut punch...
 

Queen Michael

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There's almost nothing I hate more than I hate cheaters. So I give you kudos for not doing the wrong thing.

 

Rose and Thorn

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Yeah, I am not so up my ass that being tempted by such matters shouldn't happen. Hell yeah it happens, and when it does happen, it is understandable that someone would consider the idea in their head.

Much like Queen Michael said, cheaters are up high on my "don't come near me" list. The fact that you are honest about it and didn't go through with it I think shows what kind of character...or maybe it was because you were sick? I've cheated and been cheated on. No one is a saint, everyone makes mistakes.

My honest opinion is that maybe you should consider that the marriage you are in isn't for you anymore. You are still young and if you are still kicking yourself for not going for her, maybe you aren't happy with your current situation. I don't like the idea of settling for second, you only have one life and if you feel like you aren't getting everything you want out of life, you should go for it or forever regret. That or end up hurting the people you love because you waited too long and let a young woman seduce you. It is obvious that you wanted to go with this girl badly, and the only reason you didn't is because you were afraid and sick. I don't know, maybe it is something to think about?
 

Scarim Coral

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Just to be clear, this is coming from a single guy who has never been in any form of a relationship at all so my comment below can be seen as invalid/ dismissed opinion.
Honestly from the sound of it, you may want to reevaluate with your marriage/ wife if you're kicking yourself for not cheating her. I mean what is the good part/ pro about your wife compared to the other girl?
 

Artina89

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Oct 27, 2008
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You did the right thing. By the sounds of it, you and your wife need to take a look at your relationship and maybe try and rediscover what it was that attracted you to each other in the first place. You might be kicking yourself now, and that might last for a couple of days or even weeks or months, but try and think how you would have felt if you had cheated on your wife. You probably would have felt guilty for the rest of your life. That's my two cents anyway.
 

generals3

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Mar 25, 2009
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While I don't have any relationship experience based on what you said (marriage not going so well and kicking yourself for not cheating on your wife...) maybe you need to actually give a second look at your marriage. At the end of the day marriage is supposed to make you happier and if you'd be happier with someone else maybe it's time to call it a day? (Unless you can make your wife be the one making you the happiest again)
 

grey_space

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Apr 16, 2012
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Ya it's a difficult one and I empathise. Either way it's a 'road not travelled' scenario, where you'll feel shitty either way.

My advice? talk you your wife and see where things are going. Irrespective of the situation with the cute girl you wouldn't have been (that) be tempted if you were happy with her.

Saying that, no relationship is perfect, but certainly try not to feel bad that you were tempted in the first place.

You didn't do anything wrong.
 

Frothy Gibblets

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Dec 15, 2013
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I'd suggest you're kicking yourself because your colleague represents what you wish you could have had as a 20 year old geek at the turn of the Millenium. Of course you're going to be attracted to her, but in reality could you see it going any further than a physical relationship? Your superficial interests are the same, she "gets you" on that level, something you seem to be lacking with your wife, and of course you have a physical attraction. Do you think as a relationship it could ever go anywhere though? To the extent it would be worth jeopardising a marriage for?

What this incident does show is that you have issues within your current relationship that you need to look at, both on your own and as a couple. I'm a firm believer, after watching several relationships die a slow, painful death for all concerned, that when a partnership is no longer making both parties happy then it could be best for both to move on. If that is the case, and you both come to that conclusion, then you're free to pursue anyone you want guilt free, to cheat is something I neither advocate or like. To break up hurts, the feeling of betrayal makes it so much worse.

I wish you the best of luck in whatever path you go down.
 

Roofstone

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May 13, 2010
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Cheating is the absolutely worst thing you can do in a relationship, and I personally have a zero tolerance for it. If you cheat, we are over.

So kudos to you my good sir. Good job.

 

Boris Goodenough

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Roofstone said:
Cheating is the absolutely worst thing you can do in a relationship, and I personally have a zero tolerance for it. If you cheat, we are over.

So kudos to you my good sir. Good job.
It's not the worst thing to do in a relationship but it is close.
I used to think like that as well, but then I learned there is more than one reason people cheat and you can love someone so much you will see past it eventually despite the pain it brings. Granted I will never forgive her but I understand her.
 

Aulleas123

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Aug 12, 2009
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Honestly, you are awesome. That gal should've known better than to tease you like that, I know that she may be cool because she shares the same interests as you do but her actions were very inappropriate. Especially for a work situation. I know you may feel like crap now with making a choice that didn't end with a good time, but you'd feel a whole lot worse if you did end up doing something. Plus, making the bad decision here could have you face more than just an enraged wife, you might have lost your job. Really, you made the best choice.

Other people have said it here, but you will want to either fix things up with the wife. I'm sorry that things aren't going well on that account, I do hope that they turn around.
 

wulf3n

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Mar 12, 2012
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After reading through I have to say it still sounds like you're holding some resentment for not going with the kid.

I would offer advice but this whole situation seems like train wreck waiting to happen and I don't need "Destroying a random couples marriage" on my conscience.

I will say this. The temptations we face are out of our control, and not to be ashamed of. What we can control is our actions, and this is what we must judge ourselves by.
 

Smeatza

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Dec 12, 2011
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Tarkand said:
Have you told your wife? I would.
Could lead to problems down the line if your wife finds out she made a pass at you and you didn't tell her.

If everybody found it easy to be faithful then nobody would cheat. Try not to feel too guilty about having such desires.
But I would also want to be honest with my wife by letting her know I was tempted. I can't speak for your situation though.
 

iwinatlife

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Well I at one point had a similar choice with a younger nerdier girl versus my older more mature fiancee, still dont know if I chose right but I did what seemed right at the time Love is harder than it seems
 

Foolery

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Jun 5, 2013
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No offense, but being married to a non-geek doesn't sound like much fun. I would never want to be with someone who didn't share similar interests. If I couldn't chat with a woman about movies, games, or books, we'd never date. Sounds like you need to reevaluate your relationship. There's no shame in moving on if your current situation makes you unhappy. Compromise is alright, but I see no merit in settling to the point that the basic core of who you are and what you enjoy is crippled.
 

generals3

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Dead Century said:
No offense, but being married to a non-geek doesn't sound like much fun. I would never want to be with someone who didn't share similar interests. If I couldn't chat with a woman about movies, games, or books, we'd never date. Sounds like you need to reevaluate your relationship. There's no shame in moving on if your current situation makes you unhappy. Compromise is alright, but I see no merit in settling to the point that the basic core of who you are and what you enjoy is crippled.
Well that would depend on the OP's interests wouldn't it? I mean I play a lot of games and watch lots of movies too but I still find many things to talk about with people who aren't geeks. Heck I've almost no RL friends who are geeks, still have a buttload of fun with them.

What should make the OP re-evaluate his marriage is that he seems to regret the "right" choice so much;
 

BiscuitTrouser

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May 19, 2008
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If this girl is as awesome and fantastic as you think she is do you REALLY want anything between you two to begin on a basis of drunken deceit and cheating? Cant built a solid house with foundations made of snakes. Or something like that... My thoughts when taking the high road seems to deny me an opportunity is that any opportunity really worthwhile wont require me to take the low road to reach it and if i do ive basically tainted it anyway. If you TRULY think you can go somewhere with this woman and be happy you probably need to have a conversation with your wife. A few conversations. Then do whatever feels right. Then again if shes willing to get romantically involved with a married man it might happen to you too. Its never a good sign. Try and talk to your wife. Things at home obviously cant be peachy if you want to cheat.

Ive been in that situation. I did the right thing. It made me proud in the long run. And im willing to bet that if you DO pick the "wrong" choice it will probably backfire somehow. Being honest has less catches.