I'm posting this mainly to vent. You can judge me all you want . It just been a rather cathartic process for me to write down stuff that frustrates me and due to the somewhat delicate nature of this, I can't just type it anywhere.
So last night was my office party. They're always pretty great, with tons of free food and booze.
What's different this year is that there's a new girl. She's a geek, she's incredibly hot and she's 11 years younger than me (I'm 33). My wife hates her and is convinced she has a crush on me. This is something I used to find laughable.
See, I'm married to a non-geek. 15 years ago, geek girls didn't exist. ... OK, they probably did, but they were rare enough that I never knew any. What is socially acceptable for men usually takes a few years to become socially acceptable for women in our society and being a geek wasn't even socially acceptable for men in the 90s... anyway, point in case, you kids are living in a golden age atm, where being geeky is borderline cool. But being a geeks and growing up in the 80s and 90s does havock on your self-confidence, especially with the ladies. So the idea that she could be interested in me as something more than someone to talk to about Isaac Asimov or Civ5 seems totally far fetched.
I've been feeling under the weather the whole week, so I'm filled with pills and already figured I wouldn't stay very long. I even arranged to pick up a few people and take them back home since it's on my way.
The party start, we end up sitting in front of each other and chat all night. She's funny and intelligent. I can actually talk about videogame and movies without getting 'the eyes' with her. Awesome evening. Food is over, the party moves to the dance floor. She's basically raw sexual energy out there - she's did ballet for 13 years, and while the jumping and grinding of pop music has very little to do with ballet, she knows how move.
As the party slow down and people start leaving (It's past 1am now), she just dances very close to me... and asks me what I want to do next. Do I want to go anywhere? Because she's game. At that very moment, she's the most beautiful woman in the world.
Now I'm never been really good at reading into female subtlety and I know I've been hit on in the past and not even realized it (It's damn near a running gag among my friends)... but this is starting to penetrate through even my thick skull.
But here it is... I'm sick and medicated and as result I'm tired (But I could probably power thru it). I have people counting on me for their ride back (But they can take taxi). And my wife is waiting for me at home (Things aren't going so good lately). I've never been a 'bad boy', I'm dutiful and loyal... so in the end, I tell her I'm leaving, and I do.
Pretty much started kicking myself as soon as I got into the car. Still kicking myself. Don't know when I'll stop.
Easy to take the high-road and say I didn't go along because it was the 'right' thing to do... but it's really because I was to much of a chicken and I hate myself for it. I hate myself for not going with her and seeing where it would have lead... but I also hate myself for regretting my decision - honesty and loyalty are pretty important values to me, and while I haven't cheated, I'm basically wishing I had. And then there's another part of my brain that's saying 'Dude, relax, it's all in your head... hot girls like that don't even give you the time of the day normally, you've just imagined that there was something going on'.
Here's hoping next year's party is less of a gut punch...
So last night was my office party. They're always pretty great, with tons of free food and booze.
What's different this year is that there's a new girl. She's a geek, she's incredibly hot and she's 11 years younger than me (I'm 33). My wife hates her and is convinced she has a crush on me. This is something I used to find laughable.
See, I'm married to a non-geek. 15 years ago, geek girls didn't exist. ... OK, they probably did, but they were rare enough that I never knew any. What is socially acceptable for men usually takes a few years to become socially acceptable for women in our society and being a geek wasn't even socially acceptable for men in the 90s... anyway, point in case, you kids are living in a golden age atm, where being geeky is borderline cool. But being a geeks and growing up in the 80s and 90s does havock on your self-confidence, especially with the ladies. So the idea that she could be interested in me as something more than someone to talk to about Isaac Asimov or Civ5 seems totally far fetched.
I've been feeling under the weather the whole week, so I'm filled with pills and already figured I wouldn't stay very long. I even arranged to pick up a few people and take them back home since it's on my way.
The party start, we end up sitting in front of each other and chat all night. She's funny and intelligent. I can actually talk about videogame and movies without getting 'the eyes' with her. Awesome evening. Food is over, the party moves to the dance floor. She's basically raw sexual energy out there - she's did ballet for 13 years, and while the jumping and grinding of pop music has very little to do with ballet, she knows how move.
As the party slow down and people start leaving (It's past 1am now), she just dances very close to me... and asks me what I want to do next. Do I want to go anywhere? Because she's game. At that very moment, she's the most beautiful woman in the world.
Now I'm never been really good at reading into female subtlety and I know I've been hit on in the past and not even realized it (It's damn near a running gag among my friends)... but this is starting to penetrate through even my thick skull.
But here it is... I'm sick and medicated and as result I'm tired (But I could probably power thru it). I have people counting on me for their ride back (But they can take taxi). And my wife is waiting for me at home (Things aren't going so good lately). I've never been a 'bad boy', I'm dutiful and loyal... so in the end, I tell her I'm leaving, and I do.
Pretty much started kicking myself as soon as I got into the car. Still kicking myself. Don't know when I'll stop.
Easy to take the high-road and say I didn't go along because it was the 'right' thing to do... but it's really because I was to much of a chicken and I hate myself for it. I hate myself for not going with her and seeing where it would have lead... but I also hate myself for regretting my decision - honesty and loyalty are pretty important values to me, and while I haven't cheated, I'm basically wishing I had. And then there's another part of my brain that's saying 'Dude, relax, it's all in your head... hot girls like that don't even give you the time of the day normally, you've just imagined that there was something going on'.
Here's hoping next year's party is less of a gut punch...