Poll: Am I disgusting for not paying for the first date?
- Thread starter Holy_Handgrenade
- Start date
Recommended Videos
I have an anecdote if that'll help.
I have a friend who's a lesbian and she used to joke about guys paying for dates.
Saying that when ever she goes on a date with a girl the only respectable thing to do is dine and dash, now she's out of restaurants that'll let her in and she's quickly running out of opportunities to find true love.
Personally I think that "The man always pays" is one of those archaic traditions from back in the days of cavemen, but I also think dating it's self is a woefully stupid concept as well.
Think about it, no one NO ONE! is ever themselves on a date. How many times have you heard.
Show up early, wear a suit, complement her shoes and hair, romantic music on the drive, pull out her chair, pay the bill, dinner and a movie, don't call for 24 hours, no sex until the third date if you've followed the instructions to a tee.
It's not a form of human interaction it's a game like whack-a-mole. If you like someone and you want to spend time with them just... spend time with them. Your mind is blown. If you find each other tolerable and attractive just fuck each other.
Dating always seemed like a thing you'd do to someone you want to impress, not something you do to someone who's company you actually enjoy.
... uh what was this about? Oh right. The one who's making the most money at the time should pay.
I have a friend who's a lesbian and she used to joke about guys paying for dates.
Saying that when ever she goes on a date with a girl the only respectable thing to do is dine and dash, now she's out of restaurants that'll let her in and she's quickly running out of opportunities to find true love.
Personally I think that "The man always pays" is one of those archaic traditions from back in the days of cavemen, but I also think dating it's self is a woefully stupid concept as well.
Think about it, no one NO ONE! is ever themselves on a date. How many times have you heard.
Show up early, wear a suit, complement her shoes and hair, romantic music on the drive, pull out her chair, pay the bill, dinner and a movie, don't call for 24 hours, no sex until the third date if you've followed the instructions to a tee.
It's not a form of human interaction it's a game like whack-a-mole. If you like someone and you want to spend time with them just... spend time with them. Your mind is blown. If you find each other tolerable and attractive just fuck each other.
Dating always seemed like a thing you'd do to someone you want to impress, not something you do to someone who's company you actually enjoy.
... uh what was this about? Oh right. The one who's making the most money at the time should pay.
considering that the "first date" with me, it tends to be coffee or tea, and if the weather is nice, a walk.
Time to talk, to get a rough idea of who this person is, and whether it's likely I'll see her again.
I don't pay for her, if she cannot afford a coffee, she lacks the level of personal independence I look for in a woman, I expect of her to be able to take care of herself, I'm not looking to be the surrogate parent and extra bank account to a woman who should be at least enough of an adult to take care of her own finances.
Essentially I use not paying, as a kinda minor safety net against clingy users. It's like a first line of defense against being used for whatever money I have, cuz I don't want a woman who just wants me around cuz I buy her stuff.
Time to talk, to get a rough idea of who this person is, and whether it's likely I'll see her again.
I don't pay for her, if she cannot afford a coffee, she lacks the level of personal independence I look for in a woman, I expect of her to be able to take care of herself, I'm not looking to be the surrogate parent and extra bank account to a woman who should be at least enough of an adult to take care of her own finances.
Essentially I use not paying, as a kinda minor safety net against clingy users. It's like a first line of defense against being used for whatever money I have, cuz I don't want a woman who just wants me around cuz I buy her stuff.
I always offered. It shows to certain dames that you're an ok guy. However, you don't have to force things. Besides, you're WITH the girl already. If you feel bad about it, you can always compensate in a small way.
Considering we don't live in age where the majority of jobs are bared from women no. If they are stuck for cash and you asked them out offer to pay but otherwise split the bill. What's "disgusting" is expecting someone to pay for you and if they do that you're better off hiring a prostitute. At lest that's honest and less likely leave you with parasites.
Personally I think the party that makes the offer of a date should probably pay for the first one, I feel like it's more appropriate and polite. After that if the other party does have an interest in continuing the relationship, then proceeding dates should follow the "split unless they insist" rule.
Don't do that please the "nice guy", "friendzone" and "golddigger" stuff is not a reason to go split the bill. Those words are so overblown and loaded it makes it seem like splitting hairs.rhizhim said:
Splitting a check should happen because both parties have no issue with it not some attempt to avoid some empty labels that cause pointless internet noise.
If you don't got the dough coming in regularly and in a quantity to merit the cost, I'd be hesitant. Hell, even if you CAN afford it, doesn't mean you have to pay, it should be a question of who wants to not an expectation, a date is for both of you, not for her to be treated well and the man to look after her.
I'm gonna agree with this.Genocidicles said:
I'm all for splitting the bill 50/50 (or just paying for whatever you had) on first dates. I think it's more fair on both people.
The fact is that some people just can't afford to pay for a dinner for two, even if they really like the person they asked out.
By all means, offer to pay for it all if you can afford it, and want to. Personally I'd turn that down and just pay for myself anyway, though. I'd feel too guilty otherwise.
I want to thank you for that picture, me and the people I send it to will enjoy it for a long time XDDirty Hipsters said:Reminds me of something I read
OT: Bottom line, you are both individual, independent adults. If they are not individuals, then there are bigger problems than the check. If they are not independent, then you may need to look closer at this relationship. If they are not an adult, then you have SERIOUS problems, far larger than a simple check.
Those three cases settled, you are both looking for a relationship, which is a partnership between two people on the basis of mutual attraction(physically and mentally optimally), and thus should be approached on a equal footing. This antiqued tradition that has no place logically in this time and in fact is damaging due to it supporting other antiqued viewpoints. If they are not willing to approached this on equal footing, then they are likely not worth the effort and you should quit now.
I think if you invited someone on a date you should be prepared to pay.
That said, I was always disappointed in the women who atleast didn't put out. Joking. I was disappointed in the women who didn't atleast offer to go half, or pay for a few drinks.
That said, I was always disappointed in the women who atleast didn't put out. Joking. I was disappointed in the women who didn't atleast offer to go half, or pay for a few drinks.
I'm of the opinion that the one who asks should generally be the one who pays, so if you asked them out you should pay for the date and they should pay for the date if they asked you. Though if the other person offers to pay, I say let them.
Attributing 'sexism' or 'gentlemanly behavior' or whatever to this ONE part of the date seems a bit extreme to me and if THIS one part of the date is the deal breaker, you were probably on thin ice to begin with.
Attributing 'sexism' or 'gentlemanly behavior' or whatever to this ONE part of the date seems a bit extreme to me and if THIS one part of the date is the deal breaker, you were probably on thin ice to begin with.
I can't really agree with this. If the person accepts to go out with you it should be because they want to go out with you and not have a free meal. Consequently there is no reason to pay everything just because you invited. (unless off course the arrangement was already explicitly made)Mr Ink 5000 said:
It's not just in dating... if you ask someone on a date - or invite someone out to dinner formally, social convention is you TRY to pay. If it's a mutual decision, paying is fair game.
That can kinda get sticky and people can insist "Well, you invited me" and such... so it all depends on how cheap the other party is, too.
Basically, if someone asked me to go to dinner with them, or says "Can I take you to dinner?" then I think they're offering to pay ... But I always make sure I'm able to pay for myself, anyway. If someone says "Hey, let's go out for dinner", then it's casual and I don't expect to be treated.
However, if you're in a relationship... these are modern times and I'd assume the partner (either gender) has a stable job and enough money to afford food (not that I'd be dating someone if they didn't, but everyone's different). So pay is equal now. If I ask a guy "want to go out for coffee?" I initiated it, so I might offer to pay, but wouldn't say no if he wanted to pay for his own. But I probably wouldn't let him pay for me since I was the one who did the inviting.
... Social conventions are hard.
That can kinda get sticky and people can insist "Well, you invited me" and such... so it all depends on how cheap the other party is, too.
Basically, if someone asked me to go to dinner with them, or says "Can I take you to dinner?" then I think they're offering to pay ... But I always make sure I'm able to pay for myself, anyway. If someone says "Hey, let's go out for dinner", then it's casual and I don't expect to be treated.
However, if you're in a relationship... these are modern times and I'd assume the partner (either gender) has a stable job and enough money to afford food (not that I'd be dating someone if they didn't, but everyone's different). So pay is equal now. If I ask a guy "want to go out for coffee?" I initiated it, so I might offer to pay, but wouldn't say no if he wanted to pay for his own. But I probably wouldn't let him pay for me since I was the one who did the inviting.
... Social conventions are hard.
No, it's not disgusting. Either you should split the bill, or whoever has the larger income should pay for everything. I went on a date once with someone who was between jobs and didn't really have any money at the time; I, on the other hand, had a food budget that was more than adequate to comfortably cover the meal. So, when it came time for the bill, I wanted to pay for us both, since I could afford it and he couldn't.
However, he insisted to the point of being angry with me that he would pay for us both, end of story. I ended up giving in just so we wouldn't have a fight in the middle of the restaurant; he was really going to lose his shit over the issue, like his very manhood was tied to this idea of him paying for the meals.
Needless to say, the relationship didn't last long after that. I was left insulted and angered by the sheer irrationality of "I'm the man so I must pay even when it makes zero financial sense and me paying results in me spitting on my girlfriend's generosity."
I think you're taking the right approach, wanting to build a relationship on equality and common sense. Your friend is not only wrong, but I hope that he's willing to listen to any women he'd like to date if they want to help pay, and that he doesn't insult them by refusing them the option of pitching in to cover costs. Insisting the man must pay is sexist, stupid, and can hurt everyone involved.
However, he insisted to the point of being angry with me that he would pay for us both, end of story. I ended up giving in just so we wouldn't have a fight in the middle of the restaurant; he was really going to lose his shit over the issue, like his very manhood was tied to this idea of him paying for the meals.
Needless to say, the relationship didn't last long after that. I was left insulted and angered by the sheer irrationality of "I'm the man so I must pay even when it makes zero financial sense and me paying results in me spitting on my girlfriend's generosity."
I think you're taking the right approach, wanting to build a relationship on equality and common sense. Your friend is not only wrong, but I hope that he's willing to listen to any women he'd like to date if they want to help pay, and that he doesn't insult them by refusing them the option of pitching in to cover costs. Insisting the man must pay is sexist, stupid, and can hurt everyone involved.
Especially if the person doing the inviting is the one choosing where to go. If somebody invites another out to dinner and chooses somewhere very expensive, it isn't particularly fair to expect the other person to pay for it. Not unless they are made aware and still okay with going.kickyourass said:
I think it is also worth pointing out that insisting on paying, even when the other person is happy to do so isn't polite. Being polite is respecting another persons wishes. If somebody says they want to contribute, then it is good manners to let them.
What it comes down to is respect for the other person. Convention be damned.
Honestly I have never even dealt with or heard this whole inviter is expected to pay thing.
With the exception of family events if I go somewhere with somebody I fully expect to pay for whatever the activity is. There have been times where I have covered or been covered by my friends from time to time but those were spur of the moment rather than expected.
Like I said this inviter is too pay on the grounds of an invite thing doesn't quite click if I get invited somewhere I am bring my own money and the idea of the inviter covering the cost won't be considered unless brought up.
With the exception of family events if I go somewhere with somebody I fully expect to pay for whatever the activity is. There have been times where I have covered or been covered by my friends from time to time but those were spur of the moment rather than expected.
Like I said this inviter is too pay on the grounds of an invite thing doesn't quite click if I get invited somewhere I am bring my own money and the idea of the inviter covering the cost won't be considered unless brought up.