Poll: Am I disgusting for not paying for the first date?

[Flight]

Whenever I date, I usually go by "Whoever did the inviting does the paying." Of course, I don't mind going dutch from time to time (and the way I do it, it's "pay for what you eat"). Also, if it's someone's birthday, I don't let them pay. To do so just strikes me as being rather crass and insensitive.

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

Whomever invited the person pays. If they do not plan on paying they should be upfront at the time of asking (before they receive an answer) so there are no misunderstandings.

Even when I ask out friends for casual lunches ( no romance intended) I assume I am paying since I am extending the invitation. IT is the same when you invite someone or a couple over for dinner, they of course will assume you are providing the meal. It is like when you purchase two tickets somewhere ( a game or concert for example) you do not expect your guest to give you money for the ticket, instead you expect them to return the favor sometime instead unless otherwise arranged ahead of time.


As for the argument that only the guy ever pays, I am female and I have paid for all the events I extended invitations to.

To invite someone and then expect them to pay just comes across as an ass, and not someone you really want to spend time with. If they have financial difficulties, they can still pack a picnic basket and sit by the lake and host a wonderful time. Not paying and not being creative with the event sends the message that the person you are inviting isn't really worth your time to do so. It is the difference between " host" and "guest" and being thoughtful or rude.

By asking someone to pay for an invitation you extended, you are offering to impose upon them a financial burden. Of course that is rude to assume they can or should pay for an event you are planning. Even though it is not a financial burden for me, I would not consider dating a man who was this thoughtless with his hosting.

 

[Harrowdown]

I don't think a man should be obliged to pay, no. Still nice to offer I guess, but that's more about generosity for its own sake than anything else.

 

[kidd25]

I use this rule, If asked they pay. If I ask, I pay.

 

[manic_depressive13]

The way I was raised, paying for something should be a tedious battle of wills in which both parties insist on paying until one or the other gives in from exhaustion and lets the other person pay. It has nothing to do with whether someone is male or female. If someone doesn't at least offer to pay for the lot, whether they're male or female, I tend to see them as stingy and selfish. Instant negative impression.

 

[Sexual Harassment Panda]

This is a subject I've debated with my friends at length, when a friend stated that a guy should pay for a woman on dates. After I told him I didn't do that with my current girlfriend and I didn't do that for my first date which he found even more shocking, he accused me of not being a gentleman. My reasoning behind not paying for a girl is a case of sexism. while I'd never bang home to anyone that they shouldn't pay for a date, I chose not to due to the fact that a relationship should be built on equality and that old tradition is kind of starting it on the wrong foot. The reason I thought about this again is because I was watching a UK show called 'First Dates' in which a man insists he will pay for the woman as if he doesn't it's disgusting. Now Escapists, what is your view?

EDIT: For people wondering about why I don't just pay to improve my chances of a relationship; I'm not that desperate for a relationship that I'm going to pay her as such to convince her. Another reason I just say "Do you want to go dutch?" as if this is an actual date and I'm looking for a relationship anyone who refuses that yes I will pay for but is not the sort of person who I want to see again so it levels out as a handy test now I think about it.

I understand the reasoning that if you extended the invitation that you should pay but I think that argument is a bit of a cop out as you never see that in the reverse, I've been asked out by women before and they never offer to pay not that they should and most people would see it very strange if I expected them to. Also with that reasoning it should hold in a platonic setting but friends do not expect their friends to pay for them if they are invited somewhere.

Also when I say split the bill I mean going dutch, I should have made that more clear originally.

I've only paid entirely for one date, and that was because I knew the girl was broke at the time I asked her out. I offered to pay before the date happened because I wanted it to happen.

The rest of the time? Fuck no. It's a silly hang over from a time where men had money and women didn't, so it was necessity for it to be customary. Since that's no longer the case, I think I'd be a sucker to part with my money, and frankly, I'm not sure how I feel about someone expecting me to pay... Not a good first impression.

 

[ryderawsome]

A first date is really just to see if people are compatible. It isn't any one persons responsibility to foot the bill unless they were perhaps insistent on a specific place or activity. That being said its a classy move to offer to pay, if you can afford it and really want to make a good first impression.

Long story short just don't insist that the other person pays and you will be fine people.

 

[keniakittykat]

I usually split the bill. Even though the guy usually insists on paying and pays the bill because they want to impress me, I usually just put it in their pockets while they're not looking or something.

As someone who believes in gender equality, I want to fight all forms of ridiculous gender rolls. Even if I have to put money and a note in people's pockets.

^_^! Although I think it's more creepy and pushy than it is endearing.

 

[Sigmar ov The Hammer]

If you're going to offer to pay the bill, don't do it out of a sense of social pressure, do it because you're a nice person.

 

[Spearmaster]

If I'm the one that asked them out I feel I should supply the evenings entertainment, more of being a proper host than a gentleman, especially if I'm the one making the plans. If they ask me out ill let them pay but wont require them to but I do find it a kind of sexy role reversal when a Woman plans the evening and offers to pay. If its a mutual "we should go to the movies" or something along those lines, then each paying their own is the way to go, unless someone is short on funds, then Man or Woman I wont let someone go on wanting when were supposed to be having a good time.

 

[Lynx]

Meh. I always feel a bit uncomfortable when guys pay for me. When in a relationship, the payer is usually the one who has the better income at the time. Of course, if it's like a cute kindness thing between friends or bf/gf, like "I bought you some sushi because I know how much you like it", then that's another matter. Gift-giving is always awesome, especially in the form of food. :3

Where I come from we don't have the "typical" dating ritual. If you fancy each other, you hang out as buddies, cuddle up in the sofa with some TV show you both like, and send each other disgustingly cute text messages until one day one of you says "wanna be my bf/gf" and the other one says "yeah, totally."

So I'd say, no. You don't have to pay every goddamn time just because you have a Y chromosome. But what do I know, I'm just an awkward Swede.

 

[spartan231490]

I think the man should offer to pay for the first date. I suggest this knowing that it is a little sexist. However, in most cases the man is the chaser, and the chaser should always show a certain amount of respect to the one they chase. Further, there is the expectation for many people, depending on where they grew up, and simply for the sake of making a new relationship start smooth you should, at the least, be ready to meet those expectations.

 

[Leemaster777]

I generally pay for everything on the first date. Not because I feel I'm obligated or anything, it's just the kinda guy I am to do stuff like that. It's not really a big deal to me.

And I don't think there's anything wrong with not paying for the first date. She's part of the date too, you know. And hey, if she offers to split the bill, or even pay for the whole thing, I won't stop her.

 

[V TheSystem V]

Always be prepared to pay. Ask 'Do you want me to pay?' and if she says 'I don't mind' and you decide to pay half, it's not your fault if she isn't happy about it as you gave her the option.

Been with my girlfriend for 3 years and I have paid for the majority of our dates (we're both university students and I have a job, so I use the extra money I get every month to pay for stuff like that), but I can't remember if I paid for the first date or not. I know that I always pay if I force her to go and see a film she doesn't like the look of (last one: Lego Movie. Next up: Captain America 2), but meals is usually half and half these days.

It does depend on the girl though. If she doesn't mind, she doesn't mind. But I think it's best to at least offer.

 

[mistahzig1]

I invited 20 people to a party... I should pay the booze for all of them??? They're raging drunks! I'm doomed financially!

;oP

 

[blackrave]

Other?
When dining with girl and receiving bill I usually ask "Traditional, 50/50 or nitpicky?
First is on me
Second is simple division in half
Third is paying for what ordered what
I think that's the best approach

P.S. I'm tempted to change this question into "Traditional, 50/50, nitpicky or it's on you?" Just to see how often ladies agree to pay for my dinner

 

[Adamantium93]

Whoever invites the other should pay for the date. You invited them, its only courteous to cover their expenses (to a point) so long as you have the means.

 

[FancyNick]

The way I see it, it depends on the situation really. If you ask her out than you should probably pay for her on the first date. It's more of a courtesy than anything else. Not necessary nor is it "disgusting" to do otherwise. If the lady is willing to split the check than by all means. Most women will probably expect it to be social convention so try not to be too insulted if they think it impolite of you not to pay. However, if shes the type to make you pay all of the time than you are probably best without her. Relationships are a two-way street and all that.

 

[lord.jeff]

My solution go on a cheap date, something like a picnic or if you're near zoos, museums etc. most have free days throughout the year. Now no one needs to worry about who is going to cover the $40 of food and entertainment.

 

[willsham45]

In general the one asking to go out on a date should probally be the one who should pay. But really it all depends on the nature of the date, whether you think there will be a second, the place you are eating, the time etc etc.

I dont think there is anything wrong with asking ok I got this round you get the next, or I cover the meal you get the cinema tickets.

I would say prepare to pay for the first date but dont expenct to.
Really the answer to your question comes down to what your date thinks. There are some girls who think men MUST pay when on a date even if he did not initiate it, others are a little easier and dont mind either way.