Poll: Choices: Friend or Lover

[Valksy]

Think carefully about the lover part - is it just infatuation/lust/excitement because of shiny newness of relationship? Be honest with yourself about it. What does it really mean to you? What will happen if you leave home? It's a difficult decision and if it is made lightly then you have no one but yourself to blame.

As for the friend - When my friends are happy, I am happy for them. I don't put conditions on my friendship and if someone was to say to me "if you do X, we won't be friends anymore" then, as far as I am concerned, we aren't really friends at all and I would wave them off. If your friend was warning you over a concern for your wellbeing, then I might think differently. But if he said what you describe, it is entirely self serving and I consider that to be bullshit.

 

[Sordak]

ok so OP is gay, well what difference does it make... tis still the same, no principles, its dumb to go somewhere for a guy.... especialy if its that far away

 

[hellflame]

i seriously hope you're not going to base your decision on the global concensus of an internet forum. surely there are other people closer to you that also have an opinion.

as for the dillema, go to france... your friend is acting like he'll or (she'll, i am slightly confused tbh) never see you again. in this modren age distance is hardly a problem.
i'm pretty sure you can buy some tickets france - sweden and back for a cheap price if you are willing to sit on a wooden bench all the way.

disney mode: true friends are around forever, getting a chance at love isn't.

if he says he can't go back to how it was if you should come back i would propably question what kind of friend he is, no offence meant.

 

[Flare Phoenix]

Ehhh I would think it over carefully. Be sure that what you are feeling is actually love, and not just lust. I'm reminded of Everybody Loves Raymond where they all travel to Italy, and Robert falls in love with a local girl Stefania. They have a wonderful time and part ways. However, when she moves to America, he starts to find her incredibly annoying. My point is: be careful you're just not viewing her through "holiday romance goggles". It can be easy to see it as love when there is the added tension of "we will be apart very soon".

Oh yeah, and relationships can change friendships even if it doesn't require moving half way around the world. I had a friend of sixteen years, who lives just up the road from me, who, after getting a girlfriend, stopped being my friend.

At the end of the day, you have to do what you feel is right inspite of what other people say. If it's the wrong choice, just pick yourself back up and figure out what to do from there. There is really no way of knowing whether or not the relationship is going to fail until it actually does. Divorce exists for a reason, remember.

 

[Phisi]

should you find a partner in Sweden, then your friendship is likely to change as well, as you do more things with them and go on holidays together and etc. you will see less and less of your friend and you will stop confiding in them as you have someone else to. I would go to Paris on the basis that your friendship will change at sometime anyway, unless they secretly like you

 

[holy_secret]

haha typical girl thoughts.

its laughable, you want to move to FRANCE for a dude. Wow thats pretty low if you ask me guess how long it would hold. 3 years max, and what are you going to do? go back to sweden? And what about a job?

honestly find someone in sweden...

in german we got a saying but it only applies to men its called "Bruder vor Luder" means "brother before whore"
Women would have it alot easier if they had things like principles...

Was sollen das? Ich bin kein Weib.
Und ja, ich habe dies vorher gehört, danke. Jemanden zu finden ist nicht so einfach wie du sagst. Es kommt wenn es kommt. Jetzt habe ich was gefunden, und ich kann es nicht einfach wegwerfen nur weil es "blöd" sein könnte.
Wenn ich nach Frankreich fahren würde, würde ich dann da studieren. Ich bin nicht blöd.

Sei nicht unhöflich. Danke

 

[Seventh Actuality]

Go to France. For a start, the way your friend is acting, it looks like distance is something he needs to learn to deal with. Seriously, that's a very unhealthy attitude for him to have. Your reasons for wanting to go to France might not be 100% prudent and practical, but they're far better than the reasons I'm seeing for staying.

The truth is, it's much easier to have a friendship online that it is a romance. And hell, even if going to France doesn't work out, at least you won't have to keep looking back and wondering what could have been.

haha typical girl thoughts.

its laughable, you want to move to FRANCE for a dude. Wow thats pretty low if you ask me guess how long it would hold. 3 years max, and what are you going to do? go back to sweden? And what about a job?

honestly find someone in sweden...

in german we got a saying but it only applies to men its called "Bruder vor Luder" means "brother before whore"
Women would have it alot easier if they had things like principles...

that sayings everywhere, although it rolls of the tongue better in the sense of "bros before hoes" (it even rhymes)

Yup, and it's misogynistic horseshit in any language. Just goes to show, a fuckwit is a fuckwit, wherever you go.

 

[Spacelord]

Go to France. If it doesn't work out, at least you'll have been to France to meet up with the love of your life. It may not be a sensible decision but I'll be damned if it isn't an interesting one.

Besides, your friend telling you that things will change if you leave, that's obvious. That's life. The mere fact that you're considering emigrating has changed things between you two already, and that's not necesserily a bad thing. What, you want everything to stay the same forever?

Also, you don't need to make up your mind right now. Visit your French beau a few more times first, see where it goes from there.

And last but not least, reflect on how lucky you are to even have this conundrum: at least two people are vying for your attention, both of which you care very much about. Not many people even have that many people they get along with so well.

Good luck!

 

[DoW Lowen]

Just off-topic, sell this idea to a studio or something, I can see this being a strong title for a summer rom com.

On topic: I can give you some advice based on experience but to precede it I want to tell you this, romance is a fire that burns brightly, it keeps you warm when it's winter and illuminates your life and can reveal to you thoughts and ideas that have always been in the darkest corners of your world. But it always burns out, no matter how much kindle you feed it, no matter what form or shape, even stars and supernovas extinguish and leave an empty black hole. Friendship on the other hand is a rock, at times ugly and heavy but durable and reliable, a rock is a rock and it will never change. 50% of marriages end for one reason or another, but research has shown that the ones that last 'he/she is my best friend' is invariably a common line you hear from those that make it.

I believe friendship is an involuntary reflex, you and your friend will always remain friends. However your friend is right, your relationship WILL change. My sister lived in Mexico for a year and she met the love of her life, but she moved back to Australia and he stayed in Mexico because it's ridiculously difficult (and expensive) to acquire a visa for him. But they were smitten so they tried to have a long distance relationship. They survived off emails, skype and MSN. It didn't work. Their relationship was clearly dying, physical proximity made a humongous difference, and without that it you could almost see a candle flickering in the wind. On top of that the relationship between her and her friends developed a large gap. In that time her friend found a new best friend and my sister felt like she was being replaced. She missed her partner so much as well and it was difficult for her to tell her friend that she would rather have been with him in Mexico than Australia. It wasn't a malicious 'I don't want to be around you' it was just 'there is some place I'd rather be' mentality, true but some would find that offensive. The gap between her and her friend was inevitable and it hurt them both quite horribly. They reconciled somewhat, but they're not nearly as close as they use to be. Earlier this year she moved back to Mexico and now they're doing fine. But Mexico is no place to live, especially for someone who has a Western Standard of living. The police is corrupt, the pay is pathetic, the education is almost non-existent and crime is insanely high. So we're going to see where it's going.

I'm not going to give you any advice, this is just a story, it might be true of many or it might be true for only her, but take from it what you will. I suppose at the end of it the question is if you do go, and if it does end and it does cause a rift between you and your friend, is the experience worth having your heart broken over?

 

[are.you.the.god.its.me.vader]

Would this French guy do the same for you if the tables were turned?

 

[Seventh Actuality]

Go to France. For a start, the way your friend is acting, it looks like distance is something he needs to learn to deal with. Seriously, that's a very unhealthy attitude for him to have. Your reasons for wanting to go to France might not be 100% prudent and practical, but they're far better than the reasons I'm seeing for staying.

The truth is, it's much easier to have a friendship online that it is a romance. And hell, even if going to France doesn't work out, at least you won't have to keep looking back and wondering what could have been.

haha typical girl thoughts.

its laughable, you want to move to FRANCE for a dude. Wow thats pretty low if you ask me guess how long it would hold. 3 years max, and what are you going to do? go back to sweden? And what about a job?

honestly find someone in sweden...

in german we got a saying but it only applies to men its called "Bruder vor Luder" means "brother before whore"
Women would have it alot easier if they had things like principles...

that sayings everywhere, although it rolls of the tongue better in the sense of "bros before hoes" (it even rhymes)

Yup, and it's misogynistic horseshit in any language. Just goes to show, a fuckwit is a fuckwit, wherever you go.

get off your high horse, its meant in a lighthearted manner, to respect the friends you have rather than somebody you just met. Sheesh way to get caught up in the wording fella

When the wording refers specifically to women, then includes "whores" and "women have no principles", yes, it's very easy to get caught up in the wording.

Also, people with more morals in their saggy foreskin than you have in your entire body are not on a high horse. You are just that small.

 

[teisjm]

It's a long shot IMO, do you have a place to live in france? a job? if you don't know anyone besides him there, it oculd easily become awkward, since he'll be everything you haev in france, while he probably have a job/school to attend to, and friends hobbies.

Then again, i'm probably gonan end up leaving Denmark behidn myself, not for good, but for prolonged periods in 2 years, when i'm done with my school, in order to not limit myself to the jobs avalible in Denmark. Even though i know this is gonna put a big strain on, if not break my relationship. My career to be is my dream, and i'm gonan do whatever it takes to achieve it.
As for my friends, and familly, i think they'll be pretty understanding, especially those of them i go to school with, since they'll be in the same boat.

 

[retyopy]

Friendship will last you a lifetime. that lover might not work out.

 

[MassiveGeek]

No offence, but holiday romances-even for ones as long as a month or so- are very different from ones where you are around constantly.

I've seen people fall victim to the same premise; they meet someone abroad, fall in love, and when they end up with them they find the 'spark' is long since gone, or their abroad lover already has a family, or a myriad of other things.

I will be blunt; I think you are a bit startstruck. But eh, its your life; I've got no fuckin' right to criticise, so if you want to move, go ahead. If you want to stay, go ahead, find a nice Swedish guy/girl to settle down with.

My thoughts exactly.

I really have nothing more to add, you can do whatever you want but just take everything into consideration.

 

[Kevlar Eater]

I suggest sticking with the friend. You can find a new lover, hump and dump one every other month (or withdraw when things get too serious), but a real good friend is almost impossible to find once you're an adult.

 

[alandavidson]

Stay in Sweden, but not because of your friend (who sounds like a bit of a nutjob). You have very little time with this person in France, and now you want to move to France to get into a relationship? Not a good idea.

Hooking up, swapping spit, getting laid, that's all good, but you need to think about the long run. I'm going to be honest and blunt:

You don't know shit about this person in France. The move is not well-advised because doing anything on emotion is terrible. Don't get me wrong, emotion is wonderful and powerful and moves us to great action, but emotion is fleeting and is not permanent. Love, (true love) is a choice that often has to be made on a daily basis. You have strong and powerful emotions for someone that you barely know.

Don't move, it's a bad idea.

 

[Mandalore_15]

I was away on a eurotrip for two months. During the last parts of it, I decided to stay in Paris for the whole month of August.
On the forth day, I met someone. We instantly connected and fell in love immediately.

As time went on, we started to see where this was going. There was a huge obstacle in the way though; I live in Sweden, and he in France.

To make things short, I want to move there in order to give this a shot. A real one. I am not too keen on having a long distance relationship, so that is not an option.

I talked to my closest friend in Sweden about this. After explaining everything, I asked him if it was okay for him that I moved away.

"If you want to move, I will not stop you. It is your life and I want you to do your things. But I am going to be honest with you and say that if you do move, our friendship will change. If things do not work out and you decide to come back, things will not be the same. I don't want to put any pressure on you or to lie to you. I will try my best, but I can't promise we can return to where we were. The thought of losing you is already making me wanting to create a distance in order to be able to survive not having you around."

So I have a choice. An extremly hard one. It is not a choice I have to make yet, but it will show up eventually.
I truly don't know what to do with this. Should I take the shot? Should I move away? Or should I simply stay in Sweden and keep my closest friend? Am I a bad person for even considering abandoning my family in order to be with someone I just met?

I need some input. I need a brainstorm. I would talk to him about this, but he is really not taking this well. If you have any honest opinions, cruel or friendly, I am willing to hear them.

So what will it be? Relationship or Friendship? What is more important in the long run?

A true friend wouldn't try and guilt trip you for wanting to move away like that. My best friend from home, for example, was fine with my decision to move away. We don't see each other or talk nearly as often as we used to, but when we meet up it's like I never left, you just pick up straight from where you left off. If your friendship isn't going to be like that, I hate to say it but I guess he wasn't so great a friend to begin with.

As for moving to France for this relationship, think long and hard. If you haven't known the guy for that long then you could fall flat on your face if everything falls through and you aren't the people you thought you were.

 

[Spaloooooka]

Life is not like Disney. It's a shame but in reality a friend will definitely stick by you where as a lover has incredible power to betray your trust.

 

[SonOfVoorhees]

Do whats best for you. The worst thing in life is regret. So go to France and see what happens, give it a chance. If it works, fine, be happy. If it ends then you can go back to Sweden without regrets and carry on with your life. As for the friend, if he is a true friend then he will stick with you, can both talk on the phone, email etc etc. But you have to live life for yourself, not for your friends. I have had way to many regrets in my life putting friends first and all im doing is short changing myself.

Short version. Take a chance, go to France, see where the romance leads. Could be future happeniss, could end. Either way you will not be regretting it years from now. As for your friend, he would accept and support your choice regardless of what you do. An should be happy you have found love and should want you to follow your heart. Other wise he is a selfish arsehole.

 

[TheYellowCellPhone]

First rule of the Bro Code: Bros before hos.

In my opinion, stay in Sweden.