Poll: Choices: Friend or Lover

[Rawne1980]

"If you want to move, I will not stop you. It is your life and I want you to do your things. But I am going to be honest with you and say that if you do move, our friendship will change. If things do not work out and you decide to come back, things will not be the same. I don't want to put any pressure on you or to lie to you. I will try my best, but I can't promise we can return to where we were. The thought of losing you is already making me wanting to create a distance in order to be able to survive not having you around."

Nobody else spot the blatant guilt trip in this letter?

For christs sake this fella claims to be a friend but denies you the right to follow your heart.

Who the hell needs enemies when there are friends like this.

That was one of my friends i'd have found one more person I wouldn't be speaking to. Really dislike folks that try and guilt trip other people.

Go for the love, you only live once and who knows what could happen. Life is fun if you take chances and you are always going to have that "what if" feeling if you don't.

 

[Mastodonic]

Im removing my response because i have no idea what is going on here.

 

[Ham_authority95]

I was away on a eurotrip for two months. During the last parts of it, I decided to stay in Paris for the whole month of August.
On the forth day, I met someone. We instantly connected and fell in love immediately.

As time went on, we started to see where this was going. There was a huge obstacle in the way though; I live in Sweden, and he in France.

To make things short, I want to move there in order to give this a shot. A real one. I am not too keen on having a long distance relationship, so that is not an option.

I talked to my closest friend in Sweden about this. After explaining everything, I asked him if it was okay for him that I moved away.

"If you want to move, I will not stop you. It is your life and I want you to do your things. But I am going to be honest with you and say that if you do move, our friendship will change. If things do not work out and you decide to come back, things will not be the same. I don't want to put any pressure on you or to lie to you. I will try my best, but I can't promise we can return to where we were. The thought of losing you is already making me wanting to create a distance in order to be able to survive not having you around."

So I have a choice. An extremly hard one. It is not a choice I have to make yet, but it will show up eventually.
I truly don't know what to do with this. Should I take the shot? Should I move away? Or should I simply stay in Sweden and keep my closest friend? Am I a bad person for even considering abandoning my family in order to be with someone I just met?

I need some input. I need a brainstorm. I would talk to him about this, but he is really not taking this well. If you have any honest opinions, cruel or friendly, I am willing to hear them.

So what will it be? Relationship or Friendship? What is more important in the long run?
EDIT: I feel like I need to specify this. I am not saying that I will move to France forever just for his sake. What I am actually considering is to go France for a short time to see if we are compatible or not. If things still work, we can start making plans for the future. Both he and I are aware of the retardedness that would be.
As of now, he doesn't want me to do anything impulsive or stupid, such as moving to France for him. The last thing he wants is to know that I've sacrificed things for him and that it could be all in vain. He's also scared shit of hurting me. This is his biggest concern.
So no, I would not move there. Not yet anyways.
This is about the test time to give us a real and normal try. To get to know each other. I do not want to do this over the internet.
Thanks

I would say go ahead and do it. You have internet, you can message him whenever. And like you said, it's only for a short time to see if you're compatible. If things don't work out, you can just go back.

And honestly, it sounds like your friend is a bit too dependent upon your presence. At least, that's what I've gotten the impression of from your post.

I may be biased because I have a girlfriend who lives in Denmark and I live in the Western US, but things can work out, definitely. Just be glad that you live in Europe where public transport is rather good.

Or, you could just plan visits to this girl and split your time between Sweden and France. No need for a huge commitment to one person.

 

[SilentCom]

Wow this is like one of those moral dilemna choices you're forced to make in video games. I don't really have any experience with something like this in real life so the choice is yours to make.

The question is which do you value more, and are you willing to take that step toward change?

 

[SmilingWorlock]

A friend of mine did that and went to Sweden actually. Their relationship lasted two month, then all the mystery was gone and the broke up. Now she's all alone in Sweden and has to finish her studies before she comes back, otherwise it would be a waste of money she couldn't afford. don't to it.

 

[delvin313]

I know you've had a lot of responses already, but I thought you might appreciate hearing from someone who was in a very similar situation and acted on it.

Like you, I met someone in another country and we fell instantly in love. I still don't know how it happened, but I know with absolute certainty that it was special right from the start. We took the route of a long distance relationship (there are some 6000 miles between us) and have been talking to one another for more than a year (I realize your goal is to be together and not do the long distance thing). We have visited each other 5 times so far. Next month, we will be married. Taking this risk is one of the best decisions I have ever made and, as hard as it is to be apart, I have no regrets.

My two cents: for true love, you have to take risks. That means you could find your future mate, or you could be hurt. That's the nature of risk taking. If you leave this to chance, you will always wonder what might have been. If you go to france, you will have your answer, good or bad. On a side note, why is your friend threatening to break up the friendship? Does he have feelings for you beyond friendship? A true friend would encourage you to seek out happiness.

 

[holy_secret]

I was gonna say to stay with your friend until I realised that you're gay, this shouldn't change things, but it does, go visit France for a while, you'll still be friends with the guy, just not best friends, and things change anyway

Wait what? How does this change things exactly? The point is not my sexuality. The point is the choices.

So if it would've been a girl I'd met in France, it would be different too?
I am just curious to how you reason at this.
I'm bisexual btw. Stop calling me gay. I am not that awesome!

 

[JasonKaotic]

I'd personally say stay with your friend. I know from personal experience that having a relationship getting between you and your best friend is really, really horrible.

But it's up to you.

 

[Electric Alpaca]

My own opinion, I say go.

If what is on the cards is for you to go; fail, and return destroyed it is better than the alternative of sitting on your hands and your thoughts becoming your worst enemy punishing you for the missed opportunity.

However, the other option is that it works out completely and you've found your life partner.

The fact that you're considering doing it means it is a desirable avenue for you to pursue.

Or, use a technique I employ when I literally can't decide something. Flip a coin. Sounds crazy, but I have made some pretty big choices on heads or tails, and I embrace them always - my mantra being 'Everything happens for a reason'. Whether you flip heads and go or tails and stay, it will be for a reason that will present itself to you in its own time.

 

[drisky]

Do a long distance relationship for a short term. You can find out some compatibility over Skype. As long as you don't make a long distance relationship a long term plan, it can work. I had a friend that moved here to New England form Alabama to be with his girl friend after having a long term relationship and it worked out great for him. Of course he didn't like Alabama in the first place so moving was easy. Don't move on impulse, you have to be ready for it, and you'll now if you are if you put time in finding out if he's worth it.

 

[Generic_Username]

I love how every other poster here gets at least ONE person's gender wrong.

You'll find more guys and girls anyway, plus, you've only known this guy for a little while, and you've known your friend for who knows how long (I might have missed that if you mentioned it).
I say stick with friendship. Moving to France on a whim is just too rash.

 

[Rin Little]

I wouldn't recommend moving to France, for as awesome as this guy sounds you never know what it's really going to be like. And here's a better question that only you can answer, are you willing to give up what seems like an amazing friendship for a relationship that probably won't last? Honestly, I've been in this situation before, I have a really close friend who I wouldn't give up for anyone or anything, and I've had to make that sacrifice before and I don't regret it. But again, you have to figure it out for yourself in the end.

 

[That One Six]

Tat is a tough choice. It really boils down to deciding if the risk of moving and attempting a relationship with this guy is going to pay off. If it is, and you genuinely think he will be "The One," I'm all for it. But losing a close friend is a high price to pay. I wouldn't suggest moving unless you're fairly confident that he would work for a long time. Also, why not have him move to live with you, if it's any more practical?

 

[Thundero13]

I was gonna say to stay with your friend until I realised that you're gay, this shouldn't change things, but it does, go visit France for a while, you'll still be friends with the guy, just not best friends, and things change anyway

Wait what? How does this change things exactly? The point is not my sexuality. The point is the choices.

So if it would've been a girl I'd met in France, it would be different too?
I am just curious to how you reason at this.
I'm bisexual btw. Stop calling me gay. I am not that awesome!

Oh, you're bisexual, ok I change my answer again, stay in Sweden with your best friend
This changes things because being gay makes it a hell of a lot harder to find a lover, I should know ;_;

 

[holy_secret]

I was gonna say to stay with your friend until I realised that you're gay, this shouldn't change things, but it does, go visit France for a while, you'll still be friends with the guy, just not best friends, and things change anyway

Wait what? How does this change things exactly? The point is not my sexuality. The point is the choices.

So if it would've been a girl I'd met in France, it would be different too?
I am just curious to how you reason at this.
I'm bisexual btw. Stop calling me gay. I am not that awesome!

Oh, you're bisexual, ok I change my answer again, stay in Sweden with your best friend
This changes things because being gay makes it a hell of a lot harder to find a lover, I should know ;_;

Wow. Your answer makes sense. I can't believe you just did this. You managed to support your at sight outlandish proposal with a valid point. I am pleasantly surprised

 

[JanatUrlich]

The lover! If the friend was a true friend he would support you and your decision, especially if it meant the chance to find love!

Sounds to me like this friend isn't worth having around.

 

[robot slipper]

Ah what I would give to be in my early 20's and even have the option of running off to another country in pursuit of a lover.
You are certainly close to your friend, but what about your family too? Could you handle living far away from them? Family can be very important, sometimes you don't realise how much until you really need them.

EDIT: because "can" and "can't" are actually entirely different!

 

[holy_secret]

Ah what I would give to be in my early 20's and even have the option of running off to another country in pursuit of a lover.
You are certainly close to your friend, but what about your family too? Could you handle living far away from them? Family can be very important, sometimes you don't realise how much until you really need them.

EDIT: because "can" and "can't" are actually entirely different!

I have no family. He is pretty much the closest to family I have.

 

[Biosophilogical]

Friendship is not to difference from love, other then the obvious XXX actions.
Again, if you and her / him are comfortable with it, then by all means, let yourselves fall in love if you are great friends. Just note that it can be tough, but it will be worth it in the end.

-snipped, but quoted so you could see-

Dude. You are implying that I want to fall in love with my friend.
The point is if I should move to France in order to be with the person I fell in love with (who is french), or if I should stay in Sweden in order to keep my best friend in my life.

Just want to make sure we didn't misunderstand each other

Did I just mess up my carpet from a brain fart, shit, I thought you meant that your best friend was VERY far away, and that you wanted to fall in love with him, or stay best friends, well, that was my oppsie on the carpet.

Friendship is not to difference from love, other then the obvious XXX actions.
Again, if you and her / him are comfortable with it, then by all means, let yourselves fall in love if you are great friends. Just note that it can be tough, but it will be worth it in the end.

-snipped, but quoted so you could see-

Dude. You are implying that I want to fall in love with my friend.
The point is if I should move to France in order to be with the person I fell in love with (who is french), or if I should stay in Sweden in order to keep my best friend in my life.

Just want to make sure we didn't misunderstand each other

I think Aprilgold was actually saying that you could fall in love with your best friend yet have no sexual attraction to them. It is a purely platonic relationship that has the same emotional meaning as a loving sexual relationship. Just because the french guy involves sex doesn't mean that a relationship with him is more emotionally fulfilling.

I think you need to ask yourself who you love more: French lover, or best friend (and be very careful not to confuse love with lust).

No, I just had a oopsie while typing, so I didn't understand what he meant.

Well then, I'll just keep my point about love not requiring sex (bromance anyone?) but claim it as my own[footnote]It's mine! Stay back! I already called dibs![/footnote].

But my point still stands. Who do you love more (directed at OP, not you April)?

 

[Delsana]

Love does not happen instantly, that is arousal both mentally or physically.

LOVE is the building of a relationship that one feels is integral, and it is the time spent on the first building of that relationship as well as the results of it that determine if "LOVE" is that.

We are set upon who we set upon if you choose the homosexual relationship in France then you will have essentially chosen that to be the relationship you build and while it will likely fail but may be saved by you, it will all be determined by your choices and their result based on "his".

But if you do this, rebuilding a relationship elsewhere will take longer, be harder, and make not occur as easily.

Of course, you'll get married some day but who it will be to and how real it will be is up in the air.

I say go with your life and see how it goes, don't divert it just for a fling.