Poll: Choices: Friend or Lover

[JKain]

As i wouldn't dare to suggest one or the other (therefore didn't vote)

I'll just try to make a brief summary of my experience in that regard.
I have a long-distance relationship since 4 years (1000km- so in comparison "just" a 10h-drive to get to my girl) - it already startet off as one, and is/was just amazing from start till now. (of course having to repeadetly leave the other for months is very tough-and really gets harder each year- but the good outweighs the bad by far)

I really couldn't bring myself to move thus far - and i thought that never being together for much longer than 1month might be deceptive how well we'd get along in the long run.
So i was able to move into her flat(40m²-small for 2 but just enough-for limited time anyway)
and managed to get a job for 6month there (limited duration), in the end staying 8.
That really helped to kind of make sure,that we get along as great when we're stocked with each other for a longer period of time (although even 8months are not really long for that - say help to determine a major step in life - but it still can become an eye-opener in 1way or the other - as there also is just a very different mindset involved as opposed to being on vacation)

We've got along great. But it also was without the pressure of knowing I already moved there permanently...knowing that according to plan I'd go back to Austria no matter how good it works out-
and that really takes away pressure from the relationship during that "living together-test-run" - which was good for me(us).
And i've made up my mind that i want to move to her one day (Not yet, because I still have to adjust my "career" accordingly in a way - because I really want to avoid- even subconscioussly- that i might deep down blame her one day,that I too much sacrifised work-related Ambitions to be with her.

I know I got extremely lucky in more than a couple ways - but I guess if there's any chance to sort of "give it a try" without having the weight of already having permanetly moved across Europe away from family'n'friends resting heavily on the relationship - It should be examined and taken! (but again...circumstances kinda were in my favor...also germany and austria is really only divided in mentality/not language - and not nearly as far apart geographically, of course)

It's good that your friend tries to be completely honest - as it doesn't make your decision any easier,of course...it also really shouldn't - It's an extremely tough decision after all, for which i certainly don't envy you.
(and friendships will change...but they also can persist in a still good way, i'm sure - or that's what I keep telling myself,anyway )

Also I'd like to add that I completely understand you not wanting a long-distance relationship. (for it's hard enough even if the whole relationship started-off as long-distance)

Hope my "essay" here helps a little for brainstorming.

Best of Luck

 

[Gralian]

Moving on a whim such as "I just met the guy" is too much of a risky move, in my opinion. Moving in with your partner of X number of months is already a big deal, but to move country on the off-chance you could start a relationship with someone you only just met seems incredibly ill-advised. It seems like you haven't given it much consideration and i would strongly recommend you weigh the pros and cons of making a life changing decision like immigrating on more than just "French lover or Swedish friend".

On the other hand, the friend doesn't sound like much of a friend if he feels he has to 'distance himself from you' rather than be supportive. He sounds a tad selfish and dare i say melodramatic. I wouldn't stay just for his sake if that's all that's keeping you.

 

[AwkwardTurtle]

Just off-topic, sell this idea to a studio or something, I can see this being a strong title for a summer rom com.

Off Topic:I'm sure that they've already made something like it. :3

On Topic:Love is a fickle thing my dear. I can't judge how a potential relationship between yourself and this french man will go, but I can say it's an incredibly insane risk. A risk that doesn't seem worth taking unless there are some other incentives.

This isn't just a debate of friendship and potential love, this is you moving away from your home. The move would drastically change your life. So, I think you should consider things like, a job/education, living space, cost of the move, and plenty of other factors that would be affected by your choice to move. Although it might be viewed as pessimistic I think if you do move it'd be nice to have some sort of a backup in case the relationship doesn't work out. Is the risk and planning really worth it?

Personally, I wouldn't take the risk of moving and changing my entire life for a person I've just met no matter how strong I felt. Friends can last a lifetime, but love is forever fleeting.

 

[Blow_Pop]

No offence, but holiday romances-even for ones as long as a month or so- are very different from ones where you are around constantly.

I've seen people fall victim to the same premise; they meet someone abroad, fall in love, and when they end up with them they find the 'spark' is long since gone, or their abroad lover already has a family, or a myriad of other things.

I will be blunt; I think you are a bit startstruck. But eh, its your life; I've got no fuckin' right to criticise, so if you want to move, go ahead. If you want to stay, go ahead, find a nice Swedish guy/girl to settle down with.

I too have seen this. Sadly there is a lot of times it doesn't work out. It is your life and your mate is right things would change. I've had mates leave for things like this or other reasons and I know I will never be able to just pick up how we were. So if you do go you are taking a big risk. Best of luck in your decision.

 

[StormShaun]

Well tis is difficult, I have some questions though, how long do you know this friend, are they like you best friend or just a plain friend, well what so ever, if they are a true friend they will not care about the option you do.

and if this lover of yours would of done the same for you if it was him and not you in this position, he is good as well.

If you ask me, friendship and love last forever, so all im trying to say is, go with the lover and your friend will understand.

Well thats what I would do, but hey, what do I know, im the guys who likes his best friend's sister.

 

[Lilani]

-snip-

I think your friend is being rather selfish. It isn't the job of a friend to hold you back from what you want to do for the sake of "holding together the friendship." It's the job of a friend to support you in the decisions you make, and help make it work as best they can. I mean, what if you were just going to school in France or something? Would they expect you to stay back then? What if you got a great job out of the country? You can't stay at home forever. This is your decision to make, and if that's too hard for him, I'm afraid that's his problem. Just make sure he knows you're willing to make it work, but he has to be willing as well in order for that to happen.

 

[Soveru]

?Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.? - Mark Twain.

Thou shalt not question Mark Twain. Move to France.

Or make him move to Sweden

 

[ShindoL Shill]

try long-distance. it sounds bad, but if you can make that work then consider moving. dont lose your friends over this guy. it couldve just been because you were on holiday.

 

[intheweeds]

Stick with visits and stay where you are for the time being. You can never know how long this relationship will last, you haven't known this person anywhere near long enough to make that kind of move. It will suck, I've been in a long distance relationship for a while and although we are together now, it sucked while it was going on. When/if the move becomes worth it, you won't be asking this question anymore.

Visit France every once in a while and have him visit Sweden. I don't know how the EU works, but it might be very very hard to make it a forever thing anyway. My sister is married to a guy out of the country and has been for two years now. They still can't get him into Canada legally yet. They live in Adu Dhabi for now because it's one of the only places they can both be legally(fortunately my Sister is a teacher and English teachers are needed all over the world. He has managed a work visa for her time there teaching). I've only ever seen pictures of him and talked on the phone. It's really awful and difficult. From a family perspective - my sister hasn't been anywhere near her home area except for short visits in a few years. Relationships are hard enough when conditions are ideal. This kind of stress is huge.

Get to know him for at least a year before uprooting your whole life.

 

[holy_secret]

try long-distance. it sounds bad, but if you can make that work then consider moving. dont lose your friends over this guy. it couldve just been because you were on holiday.

I rather die than to do that. Seriously. Done it once and I went completely crazy from the lack of intimacy.

 

[Cyberdelic]

Move. Be happy. Even if thing's dont work out at least you were daring!

Besides things never stay the same for ever. Change makes life worth living!

 

[holy_secret]

Stick with visits and stay where you are for the time being. You can never know how long this relationship will last, you haven't known this person anywhere near long enough to make that kind of move. It will suck, I've been in a long distance relationship for a while and although we are together now, it sucked while it was going on. When/if the move becomes worth it, you won't be asking this question anymore.

Visit France every once in a while and have him visit Sweden. I don't know how the EU works, but it might be very very hard to make it a forever thing anyway. My sister is married to a guy out of the country and has been for two years now. They still can't get him into Canada legally yet. They live in Adu Dhabi for now because it's one of the only places they can both be legally(fortunately my Sister is a teacher and English teachers are needed all over the world. He has managed a work visa for her time there teaching). I've only ever seen pictures of him and talked on the phone. It's really awful and difficult. From a family perspective - my sister hasn't been anywhere near her home area except for short visits in a few years. Relationships are hard enough when conditions are ideal. This kind of stress is huge.

Get to know him for at least a year before uprooting your whole life.

Moving around within the European Union is as easy as moving to a neighboring city in Sweden. No need for getting permission and shit.

And Ryanair revolutionized traveling. I flew there for 15? from Sweden. It is ridiculously cheap.

 

[intheweeds]

Stick with visits and stay where you are for the time being. You can never know how long this relationship will last, you haven't known this person anywhere near long enough to make that kind of move. It will suck, I've been in a long distance relationship for a while and although we are together now, it sucked while it was going on. When/if the move becomes worth it, you won't be asking this question anymore.

Visit France every once in a while and have him visit Sweden. I don't know how the EU works, but it might be very very hard to make it a forever thing anyway. My sister is married to a guy out of the country and has been for two years now. They still can't get him into Canada legally yet. They live in Adu Dhabi for now because it's one of the only places they can both be legally(fortunately my Sister is a teacher and English teachers are needed all over the world. He has managed a work visa for her time there teaching). I've only ever seen pictures of him and talked on the phone. It's really awful and difficult. From a family perspective - my sister hasn't been anywhere near her home area except for short visits in a few years. Relationships are hard enough when conditions are ideal. This kind of stress is huge.

Get to know him for at least a year before uprooting your whole life.

Moving around within the European Union is as easy as moving to a neighboring city in Sweden. No need for getting permission and shit.

And Ryanair revolutionized traveling. I flew there for 15? from Sweden. It is ridiculously cheap.

Wow! If that's the case, then I say even harder: stay home and plan visits! If you can visit him for far less than the cost of a video game, then this stops seeming so 'long-distance' to me and I fail to see the issue. Damn, it costs me more to take the train to see my mom and she lives in the same province as me!

 

[holy_secret]

Stick with visits and stay where you are for the time being. You can never know how long this relationship will last, you haven't known this person anywhere near long enough to make that kind of move. It will suck, I've been in a long distance relationship for a while and although we are together now, it sucked while it was going on. When/if the move becomes worth it, you won't be asking this question anymore.

Visit France every once in a while and have him visit Sweden. I don't know how the EU works, but it might be very very hard to make it a forever thing anyway. My sister is married to a guy out of the country and has been for two years now. They still can't get him into Canada legally yet. They live in Adu Dhabi for now because it's one of the only places they can both be legally(fortunately my Sister is a teacher and English teachers are needed all over the world. He has managed a work visa for her time there teaching). I've only ever seen pictures of him and talked on the phone. It's really awful and difficult. From a family perspective - my sister hasn't been anywhere near her home area except for short visits in a few years. Relationships are hard enough when conditions are ideal. This kind of stress is huge.

Get to know him for at least a year before uprooting your whole life.

Moving around within the European Union is as easy as moving to a neighboring city in Sweden. No need for getting permission and shit.

And Ryanair revolutionized traveling. I flew there for 15? from Sweden. It is ridiculously cheap.

Wow! If that's the case, then I say even harder: stay home and plan visits! If you can visit him for far less than the cost of a video game, then this stops seeming so 'long-distance' to me and I fail to see the issue. Damn, it costs me more to take the train to see my mom and she lives in the same province as me!

The point is not the cost. The problem is the fact that I do not want a long distance relationship. I do not want to have to plans visits every now and then. I want to be able to be around the corner and casually ask "hey, wanna hang around today?". I want to be able to let it grow naturally. Having to plan grandious meeting is the opposite of what I want.

 

[Ryu-Kage]

My little sister had a friend who went through this kind of thing. (For the sake of simplicity, I'll refer to my sister as "Tina" and her friend as "Josh", but these aren't their real names or anywhere close. The names in this story have been changed to protect their identities) Tina and Josh went down to Alabama for a couple of weeks to meet Irene, a friend that Tina talked to on Skype, and hang out. While they were down there, Josh met a boy named Harry, and they fell for each other. Back here, Josh was having some family issues, particularly with his mother. Seemingly because of the issues, Josh decided to move to Alabama and live with Harry. For his senior year of high school. (Okay, he was actually living with Irene's family.) Not too long after, however, things went South (literally). Someone in Harry's family found Harry and Josh making out, and even though they knew the deal, they didn't take kindly to the display of gay affection. Feeling unwelcome, Josh returned here a few months later to live with his dad. ...and us a few times.

What Josh did was, at least in our eyes, incredibly reckless and pretty damn stupid, frankly. Most people around the house (including Tina's dad) thought less of him for these stupid decisions, and he seemed much more annoying to everyone, too. I think Tina still hangs out with Josh sometimes, but he doesn't come over here anywhere near as often as he used to.

Take this for what you will. This wasn't my story, so I wouldn't know how to handle this.

 

[intheweeds]

Stick with visits and stay where you are for the time being. You can never know how long this relationship will last, you haven't known this person anywhere near long enough to make that kind of move. It will suck, I've been in a long distance relationship for a while and although we are together now, it sucked while it was going on. When/if the move becomes worth it, you won't be asking this question anymore.

Visit France every once in a while and have him visit Sweden. I don't know how the EU works, but it might be very very hard to make it a forever thing anyway. My sister is married to a guy out of the country and has been for two years now. They still can't get him into Canada legally yet. They live in Adu Dhabi for now because it's one of the only places they can both be legally(fortunately my Sister is a teacher and English teachers are needed all over the world. He has managed a work visa for her time there teaching). I've only ever seen pictures of him and talked on the phone. It's really awful and difficult. From a family perspective - my sister hasn't been anywhere near her home area except for short visits in a few years. Relationships are hard enough when conditions are ideal. This kind of stress is huge.

Get to know him for at least a year before uprooting your whole life.

Moving around within the European Union is as easy as moving to a neighboring city in Sweden. No need for getting permission and shit.

And Ryanair revolutionized traveling. I flew there for 15? from Sweden. It is ridiculously cheap.

Wow! If that's the case, then I say even harder: stay home and plan visits! If you can visit him for far less than the cost of a video game, then this stops seeming so 'long-distance' to me and I fail to see the issue. Damn, it costs me more to take the train to see my mom and she lives in the same province as me!

The point is not the cost. The problem is the fact that I do not want a long distance relationship. I do not want to have to plans visits every now and then. I want to be able to be around the corner and casually ask "hey, wanna hang around today?". I want to be able to let it grow naturally. Having to plan grandious meeting is the opposite of what I want.

If visiting is so cheap, it doesn't have to be a grandiose affair. Spend weekends together or something. An $800 plane ticket is a grandiose affair, this is nothing. You could 'live' together on weekends and before you know it, you would know whether this is a good idea or not.

It wouldn't even really be long distance. Long distance to me is nightly skype sessions and very expensive phone calls - because seeing each other in person is impossible. If a visit is so cheaply possible, it doesn't have to be long distance. My g/f lives in another part of the same city I live in and it takes about an hour on the streetcar. If she lived in Montreal, the plane ride would also be an hour. That's a *****, but ease of travel really changes things. Sure, you can't say 'lets hang around today' but you could say 'i want to see you this weekend'. My g/f is a 40 minute drive away working over the summer, so we can't see each other as much during the week as i would like either, but it's really nothing in the end.

Never mind the fact that honestly, it sounds like your friend is very honest with his/her feelings and speaks to you with love and respect. That type of true friend really is hard to come by. If you can have your cake and eat it too - and i think in this situation you can, then you definitely should.

 

[holy_secret]

Stick with visits and stay where you are for the time being. You can never know how long this relationship will last, you haven't known this person anywhere near long enough to make that kind of move. It will suck, I've been in a long distance relationship for a while and although we are together now, it sucked while it was going on. When/if the move becomes worth it, you won't be asking this question anymore.

Visit France every once in a while and have him visit Sweden. I don't know how the EU works, but it might be very very hard to make it a forever thing anyway. My sister is married to a guy out of the country and has been for two years now. They still can't get him into Canada legally yet. They live in Adu Dhabi for now because it's one of the only places they can both be legally(fortunately my Sister is a teacher and English teachers are needed all over the world. He has managed a work visa for her time there teaching). I've only ever seen pictures of him and talked on the phone. It's really awful and difficult. From a family perspective - my sister hasn't been anywhere near her home area except for short visits in a few years. Relationships are hard enough when conditions are ideal. This kind of stress is huge.

Get to know him for at least a year before uprooting your whole life.

Moving around within the European Union is as easy as moving to a neighboring city in Sweden. No need for getting permission and shit.

And Ryanair revolutionized traveling. I flew there for 15? from Sweden. It is ridiculously cheap.

Wow! If that's the case, then I say even harder: stay home and plan visits! If you can visit him for far less than the cost of a video game, then this stops seeming so 'long-distance' to me and I fail to see the issue. Damn, it costs me more to take the train to see my mom and she lives in the same province as me!

The point is not the cost. The problem is the fact that I do not want a long distance relationship. I do not want to have to plans visits every now and then. I want to be able to be around the corner and casually ask "hey, wanna hang around today?". I want to be able to let it grow naturally. Having to plan grandious meeting is the opposite of what I want.

If visiting is so cheap, it doesn't have to be a grandiose affair. Spend weekends together or something. An $800 plane ticket is a grandiose affair, this is nothing. You could 'live' together on weekends and before you know it, you would know whether this is a good idea or not.

It wouldn't even really be long distance. Long distance to me is nightly skype sessions and very expensive phone calls - because seeing each other in person is impossible. If a visit is so cheaply possible, it doesn't have to be long distance. My g/f lives in another part of the same city I live in and it takes about an hour on the streetcar. If she lived in Montreal, the plane ride would also be an hour. That's a *****, but ease of travel really changes things. Sure, you can't say 'lets hang around today' but you could say 'i want to see you this weekend'. My g/f is a 40 minute drive away working over the summer, so we can't see each other as much during the week as i would like either, but it's really nothing in the end.

Never mind the fact that honestly, it sounds like your friend is very honest with his/her feelings and speaks to you with love and respect. That type of true friend really is hard to come by. If you can have your cake and eat it too - and i think in this situation you can, then you definitely should.

Your points are valid. I will have them in mind. Thank you for your thoughts.

As for the friend part. It is funny how some people see him as an ass and others see the good in being honest, caring, and being flawed.
You know. Human

 

[intheweeds]

Stick with visits and stay where you are for the time being. You can never know how long this relationship will last, you haven't known this person anywhere near long enough to make that kind of move. It will suck, I've been in a long distance relationship for a while and although we are together now, it sucked while it was going on. When/if the move becomes worth it, you won't be asking this question anymore.

Visit France every once in a while and have him visit Sweden. I don't know how the EU works, but it might be very very hard to make it a forever thing anyway. My sister is married to a guy out of the country and has been for two years now. They still can't get him into Canada legally yet. They live in Adu Dhabi for now because it's one of the only places they can both be legally(fortunately my Sister is a teacher and English teachers are needed all over the world. He has managed a work visa for her time there teaching). I've only ever seen pictures of him and talked on the phone. It's really awful and difficult. From a family perspective - my sister hasn't been anywhere near her home area except for short visits in a few years. Relationships are hard enough when conditions are ideal. This kind of stress is huge.

Get to know him for at least a year before uprooting your whole life.

Moving around within the European Union is as easy as moving to a neighboring city in Sweden. No need for getting permission and shit.

And Ryanair revolutionized traveling. I flew there for 15? from Sweden. It is ridiculously cheap.

Wow! If that's the case, then I say even harder: stay home and plan visits! If you can visit him for far less than the cost of a video game, then this stops seeming so 'long-distance' to me and I fail to see the issue. Damn, it costs me more to take the train to see my mom and she lives in the same province as me!

The point is not the cost. The problem is the fact that I do not want a long distance relationship. I do not want to have to plans visits every now and then. I want to be able to be around the corner and casually ask "hey, wanna hang around today?". I want to be able to let it grow naturally. Having to plan grandious meeting is the opposite of what I want.

If visiting is so cheap, it doesn't have to be a grandiose affair. Spend weekends together or something. An $800 plane ticket is a grandiose affair, this is nothing. You could 'live' together on weekends and before you know it, you would know whether this is a good idea or not.

It wouldn't even really be long distance. Long distance to me is nightly skype sessions and very expensive phone calls - because seeing each other in person is impossible. If a visit is so cheaply possible, it doesn't have to be long distance. My g/f lives in another part of the same city I live in and it takes about an hour on the streetcar. If she lived in Montreal, the plane ride would also be an hour. That's a *****, but ease of travel really changes things. Sure, you can't say 'lets hang around today' but you could say 'i want to see you this weekend'. My g/f is a 40 minute drive away working over the summer, so we can't see each other as much during the week as i would like either, but it's really nothing in the end.

Never mind the fact that honestly, it sounds like your friend is very honest with his/her feelings and speaks to you with love and respect. That type of true friend really is hard to come by. If you can have your cake and eat it too - and i think in this situation you can, then you definitely should.

Your points are valid. I will have them in mind. Thank you for your thoughts.

As for the friend part. It is funny how some people see him as an ass and others see the good in being honest, caring, and being flawed.
You know. Human

Haha so true about humans! I prefer emotional honesty in my friends. If that is how that person feels i want to know for better or worse. Better he/she tells me how they feel now rather than me think everything is fine and come back, friend is gone, no explanation. I become hurt then.

I hope everything works out for you.

 

[Danzaivar]

your friend wants to bang you fyi

 

[Thundero13]

I was gonna say to stay with your friend until I realised that you're gay, this shouldn't change things, but it does, go visit France for a while, you'll still be friends with the guy, just not best friends, and things change anyway