Ekit said:
So for the last couple of months I've been thinking more and more about death. More specifically my own. And to be honest I'm terrified of it. I don't believe in any kind of afterlife so when I die, I believe everything will end.
The thought of everything just ending is really scary to me.
Yes, I know that I won't be able to reflect upon it because I will be dead, but still. Something about the very concept of everything ending has me really scared and depressed.
I guess I'm wondering if this is something that's unique to me or if more people have the same fear.
So my question, Escapists is: Do you fear death?
I went through the exact same thing a few years back. I was laying in bed one night and I just started thinking with complete and utter clarity 'I am going to die someday.' as a kid death was some far off rumor that happened to other people but would never happen to me. Suddenly at the ripe old age of 21 the Idea of death became completely real and I became lost.
I searched for answers; I went into the deepest, darkest depression of my life. My wife was deeply afraid for my health. Food tasted like ash, the world lost colour and I lost all my purpose. I didn't laugh, I didn't cry, I didn't talk I simply was. I merely existed, searching for answers and for a purpose. What was the point of my existence? There probably was none. It was a bleak way to live, it was a sorry way to live but I could do nothing else.
See I too never believed in an afterlife, I think it is one of the most arrogant things a human being can expect. It?s like saying ?Ok I got these 70 years of life where I worked, I paid taxes, I loved, I laughed, I fucked but that?s not enough. Now I want eternal bliss please.? I desperately wanted to believe in an afterlife, I still do actually and I would be more than pleasantly surprised if there was one. I just never believed there was, again, arrogant.
But then something happened, I snapped out of it. It dawned on me with a sudden cold clarity that I was going to die, I was going to cease to exist, my brain was going to turn to soup and I would be forgotten. But I wasn't dead yet, nor would I be for hopefully a very long time. It's hard to explain, it really is, the best way to describe it is I realized that I had a very limited time on this earth, to experience it and live it before I left it. Excuse the cliché but I had to live everyday to the fullest, like it was my last. I stopped believing in the ?were all here with a purpose? so I had to find a purpose to live. If I was sitting here waiting to die, living like I was already dead then what was the point?
I don't fear death anymore, not in the slightest; I treat it like a friend. He?s always there, tapping his watch saying ?Get a move on buddy; I?m not going to wait for you?.
It's a part of my existence that cannot be escaped, I can beg, I can plead, I can lose all hope or I can be dignified about it. It has humbled me, as friends often do. It has reminded me that I am mortal, that I have a limited time on this earth to do something, to be something. And ultimately it has made me a better person for it.
I know I will fear it at the end, when I am taking my last breathes. But I am not going to waste anymore time fearing it now, I'm going to enjoy my life as best I can, so I can at least die knowing I lived it the way it was supposed to be lived.
I hope this makes sense, it did as I typed it but that point in my life made very little sense. I hope it helps you out too, it?s a dark place to be when you realize you are mortal
