Poll: Do you want an apology?

[Aramis Night]

I tend to take an extreme view. I was both bully and bullied at different points in my life. My parents abused me and then medicated me when i had trouble coping with the abuse and i became a bully. When i got off the drugs, i felt horribly guilty about what i had done and became a pacifist for a while. During that time i was bullied for doing everything i could to avoid fights and refusing to hit back. It was humiliating at points but i looked at it as my penance.

I've never asked to be forgiven. I feel that forgiveness is not a virtue, but a terrible sin. Forgiveness allows people to simply shrug off responsibility for ones actions, and to ask it is to put the burden of your crimes onto the victims of them. If someone chooses to forgive you, that is there choice but no one has the right to ask for it. Too often forgiveness is hollow and insincere. What is worse is when you are wronged and you cannot forgive someone for the harm they cause you, you suddenly become the bad guy for not accepting their apology when they ask you to.

What i choose to believe in is redemption. It places the burden on the person who did wrong, where it belongs. Redemption means that the person who has done wrong has to actually put effort into setting things right. A redeemed person is infinitely more valuable than a forgiven one. A redeemed person can prove they have changed, a forgiven person does not. It also doesn't put the responsibility of the act back on the victim.

 

[Eleuthera]

I can't remember ever being bullied. Sure for one week in my first year I was the class target, but everyone got his/her turn that year.

I guess I may have been guilty of some bullying as well, but like the being bullied part it was very minor. I'd be very surprised if any of my "victims" would remember being bullied, let alone remember me.

Maybe our school was just relatively free of bullies.

So, no. I wouldn't care for an apology, nor do I expect anyone wants one from me.

 

[emeraldrafael]

snip

To be fair I dont know the circumstances of the bullying but some things do affect you into your later life. if your bullies were particularly bad to you it can really stick.

OT: Um... i mean I ugess it would be nice but i dont really care anymore so I dont think its necessary. I know a friend got bullied for years cause she was a lesbian and where she grew up that wasnt really a good thing and it got so bad she and her family actually moved (not far but still transferred schools) so if i had a situation like that i'd probably want one.

 

[Yan007]

I tend to take an extreme view. I was both bully and bullied at different points in my life. My parents abused me and then medicated me when i had trouble coping with the abuse and i became a bully. When i got off the drugs, i felt horribly guilty about what i had done and became a pacifist for a while. During that time i was bullied for doing everything i could to avoid fights and refusing to hit back. It was humiliating at points but i looked at it as my penance.

I've never asked to be forgiven. I feel that forgiveness is not a virtue, but a terrible sin. Forgiveness allows people to simply shrug off responsibility for ones actions, and to ask it is to put the burden of your crimes onto the victims of them. If someone chooses to forgive you, that is there choice but no one has the right to ask for it. Too often forgiveness is hollow and insincere. What is worse is when you are wronged and you cannot forgive someone for the harm they cause you, you suddenly become the bad guy for not accepting their apology when they ask you to.

What i choose to believe in is redemption. It places the burden on the person who did wrong, where it belongs. Redemption means that the person who has done wrong has to actually put effort into setting things right. A redeemed person is infinitely more valuable than a forgiven one. A redeemed person can prove they have changed, a forgiven person does not. It also doesn't put the responsibility of the act back on the victim.

I owe my fair share of apologies to many people I wronged as a teenager and a young adult. I completely agree with you and I won't go around asking for forgiveness. I used to be a huge asshole with no remorse and after going through a lot I'm now an elementary school teacher trying to make a change and inspire kids to do good. Used to be fat too, picked up bodybuilding after I changed my world views and hope to inspire young minds to be the best they can.

 

[Abomination]

There we attempts but nobody actually managed to become someone I dreaded running in to beyond just despising them as individuals.

I think I would be insulted if they thought their efforts affected me negatively in any way. I would appreciate them apologizing to admit they were a dick, I would agree with them - they were a dick, but it would just be an interesting and pleasant diversion to my day... not something I wish would happen.

 

[kickyourass]

Maybe my personal experience with bullies is different then some other's, I completely stopped caring about my bullies a long time ago. I moved just after Elementary School and didn't have much trouble after that, so I don't think 'closure' even exists for me on this issue.

I mean if one of them actively sought me out to apologize on their own initiative, yeah that's be pretty nice, but I don't even remember most of those kid's names so there's very little chance I'd recognize them after 8 or 9 years.

 

[Yopaz]

No, I do not want one.

After 8 years of bullying an apology would just seem hollow to me. Because of those 8 years I am paranoid when it comes to basic human interaction and I would not trust my former bully to be sincere. I don't trust half the people that have never been mean. I am suffering from social anxiety because of this.

It would mean so little to me to hear an apology. It's in the past and it should stay in the past.

 

[joshthor]

i was never bullied. i was a tiny kid but first time someone attempted to bully me i fought back and no one ever messed with me again.

 

[RicoADF]

*snip*
Which got me to thinking: Would you want and/or appreciate an apology from a bully in the past? Am I just being an insensitive ass by wondering why in the hell this would matter to you years after it happened? Do you agree and think that this is just kind of stupid that an apology from your former bully is silly?

A bully from my primary school apologized to me a few years ago for what he did in school, I must say it felt good but it wasn't over the top like the lady came across as. It's nice true, but not life changing. It was a random thing, ran into each other where I was working, just chatting and he randomly apologized, it seemed like it had been on his conscious.

Maybe my personal experience with bullies is different then some other's, I completely stopped caring about my bullies a long time ago. I moved just after Elementary School and didn't have much trouble after that, so I don't think 'closure' even exists for me on this issue.

I mean if one of them actively sought me out to apologize on their own initiative, yeah that's be pretty nice, but I don't even remember most of those kid's names so there's very little chance I'd recognize them after 8 or 9 years.

That's how I saw it, so when I received one it was nice to get but was never expected/worried about.

 

[Ratties]

An apology doesn't work on me when it comes to strangers from my past. Really don't know any of my bullies, except that they were assholes to me at some point. Kind of hold a grudge. Have to say, I don't really care that it isn't healthy. I will deal with it in my own way, you do the same. Every apology from a person in your past feels kind of forced, like they are saying it because they just so happened to run into you.

 

[trollnystan]

I don't want an apology as much as an explanation.

My first elementary school was divided up into two playgrounds; we weren't allowed to run between them during school hours because then we wouldn't hear our teacher calling us in, so I knew practically no one in the other playground beyond my big brother and a girl who lived on my street (whom I didn't like).

Spoiler: The scene

[small]Yes I used Comic Sans; DEAL WITH IT.[/small]

For some reason, during my first year in school - we start first grade when we're seven btw - a boy from the other side of the school would stop me on my way home in the same spot and punch me in the stomach. He'd have friends with him, who'd laugh and cheer, but I only remember being punched by him. I never learned his name - or perhaps I suppressed it - never knew him, had never seen him before this. The closest relation between us was that he went to the same class as that girl from my street.

I told the teachers; nothing happened. I told my parents; nothing happened. My brother found out... And he chased the boy down, threw him to the ground, and threatened to beat him up if he touched me again. THAT stopped it.

But I never found out why. I guess, to use modern vernacular, he did it for "the lulz". A troll basically. So an apology would be worthless IMO. I wonder if that's why I despise trolls?

 

[Yopaz]

snip

To be fair I dont know the circumstances of the bullying but some things do affect you into your later life. if your bullies were particularly bad to you it can really stick.

Personally I have been greatly affected by bullying. It has screwed me over making me unable to have close relationships with anyone. I hide in plain sight not letting people get a glimpse of my personality or my vulnerabilities. Despite having quite a few friends no-one really knows me. Bullying did this to me and because of how it sticks I don't want an apology. A few words of regret not can never make up for 8 years of torment. An apology would probably just make things worse since I have put the events themselves behind me. I can even forget that I was bullied at times, but I can't ever make myself trust someone so it's always a part of me. Being grateful for an apology at this point just seems strange to me.

 

[Ratties]

snip

To be fair I dont know the circumstances of the bullying but some things do affect you into your later life. if your bullies were particularly bad to you it can really stick.

Personally I have been greatly affected by bullying. It has screwed me over making me unable to have close relationships with anyone. I hide in plain sight not letting people get a glimpse of my personality or my vulnerabilities. Despite having quite a few friends no-one really knows me. Bullying did this to me and because of how it sticks I don't want an apology. A few words of regret not can never make up for 8 years of torment. An apology would probably just make things worse since I have put the events themselves behind me. I can even forget that I was bullied at times, but I can't ever make myself trust someone so it's always a part of me. Being grateful for an apology at this point just seems strange to me.

At my High School, one of the kids that bullied me died in a car crash. Remember hearing about it through the grapevine of other students. Caught it on the news. He was drunk and plowed into a tree. I didn't care that he was dead. Eventually I was going to have to fight him, this kind of stopped it. Alot of other kids he bullied as well.

 

[Hazzard]

I had to put up with this little shit who could do anything he liked to me and was nearly untouchable.
A few times I hit him back I was suspended or put in solitary confinement.
So I would rather kick the shit out of him than have an apology. To make it worse I've told to apologise to him for retaliating and been punished for refusing because I didn't mean.

 

[Not Matt]

actually. no. i feel we kind of broke even. i kinda sorta gathered a large crowd of his other victims and together we (literally) chased him out of town. HA! thanks for the mental scars ya prick.
I hear rumors he's in therapy now but really don't give a crap what happens to him from here on out.

 

[Sunrider]

I heard one of the strangest things ever on the radio today and I was absolutely baffled by it.

Today on my morning show of choice, Dave Ryan in the Morning in Minnesota, they had what they called an apology segment where one of the members of the show had to apologize to someone they wronged from their past. After Dave Ryan apologized to the person he acted like an ass to, they took some calls from people who also wanted to apologize to from their past. Now, here's what baffled me.

Later in the show, one of the people that was apologized to called into the show and talked about how grateful they were that the person apologized to them and how it'll really help them have some closure.

...dafuq?

Seriously lady? It's been over a freaking decade and you're blubbering on about how much this apology meant to you? Really? It affected your life THAT much that you're still thinking about it? I, like just about everyone who has ever existed, experienced bullying in my younger days and if someone from the past apologized for bullying me, I would probably just say "Alright" and leave it at that. I don't want and/or need an apology from you; I'm a grown-up and realize how petty kids can be, I don't need your apology.

Which got me to thinking: Would you want and/or appreciate an apology from a bully in the past? Am I just being an insensitive ass by wondering why in the hell this would matter to you years after it happened? Do you agree and think that this is just kind of stupid that an apology from your former bully is silly?

No, I don't want an apology, it wouldn't help me one bit, personally. I'd love to see them in absolute misery, but an apology? Fuck that.

I have no idea what you went through, but I doubt it was much if that is your attitude towards how much influence bullying can have.

 

[hooglese]

OTHER: I don't like apologies, I like... "forcing empathy". It also goes by the name, "revenge". I am a spiteful man, and the only bully I had in High School doesn't need to be bullied by me, karma got him.

 

[Guffe]

I've never been bullied and had a few friends who were slightly but we basically didn't care about their attempts.
I've had stories from nearby towns where people have taken suicide after a long time of bullying so I can certainly see the goodwill and a positive effect an apology might have, showing to the person you wronged that you understand you've done something wrong.
I don't think I am qualified to answer your poll Tippy but I believe that if I was harshly bullied when say, 15, and the person came 10 years later and apologised, I think it would make feel really good.
Why? several theories spring through my mind, but only theories...

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

I was never bullied, but taking the OP to a similar note, I wouldn't want or need an apology from anybody who has wronged me "in the past". If that person is "in the past" already that means I could care less to begin with.

 

[Hypno-Sheep]

i wouldn't want an apology because it would just dig up old ghosts. i would rather just forget the memory and move on with the rest of my life.