Poll: how long should one wait before going out with a friend's ex?
- Thread starter axlryder
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Give it a while and see if she actually wants to be with you, rather than just use you to get back at your mate. Then make sure it's ok with your mate. If it's fine, then go for it I say.
According to social rules, never apparently.
I don't get it though.
If I had a girlfriend and broke up with her, I don't see why my friend then going out with her should be seen as a sign of disrespect.
I just don't get it.
If someone can explain; please do.
If anything, in my mind, it should be a sign that your friend who was clearly into your girlfriend while you were a thing respected you enough to not get it on with her while she was already with you.
I mean:
If my friend turns out to be into my girlfriend, that means he has forcefully fought his urges and desires all this time, just because he didn't want to ruin the relationship that I had.
That's a great act of friendship right there.
The one situation is which I can understand this attitude is if the relationship ended on really bad terms.
So bad terms that you never want to see your ex again in your entire life.
Then it'd be sort of annoying if she was hanging around your friend all the time.
I don't get it though.
If I had a girlfriend and broke up with her, I don't see why my friend then going out with her should be seen as a sign of disrespect.
I just don't get it.
If someone can explain; please do.
If anything, in my mind, it should be a sign that your friend who was clearly into your girlfriend while you were a thing respected you enough to not get it on with her while she was already with you.
I mean:
If my friend turns out to be into my girlfriend, that means he has forcefully fought his urges and desires all this time, just because he didn't want to ruin the relationship that I had.
That's a great act of friendship right there.
The one situation is which I can understand this attitude is if the relationship ended on really bad terms.
So bad terms that you never want to see your ex again in your entire life.
Then it'd be sort of annoying if she was hanging around your friend all the time.
If you broke off with him? I don't get that...Colour-Scientist said:
Wow, cold.Colour-Scientist said:
Especially considering she came onto him and he is questioning the situation.
OT: Depends on the specifics and when it feels like things are at a good time, so it's not something you can generalise.
Saying that, I broke up with my girlfriend and she was with someone else the next day. I felt a bit annoyed but it's not really my business what she does afterwards, and I don't see why it should be.
No. Nonononono, you can't just break the Brocode like that, Bro's before hoes. If he's actually looking to get back together with her, would that be really, really mean to him. It'd ruin the friendship.
Thanks for the input guys. Waiting a bit has awakened the cautious side in me. I'll at least have to speak to him about this whole situation. Too many potential landmines waiting to go off.
Jonluw, I personally agree with your sentiment, but of course this isn't just about the way I look at things.
Jonluw, I personally agree with your sentiment, but of course this isn't just about the way I look at things.
Wait until you talk to your friend about it, fucking duh. Why are people allergic to talking. If he doesn't want you to go for it, then decide if you are willing to risk losing your friend over her. If you are, go for it anyway, if you aren't, don't. If he is ok with you going for it, go for it.axlryder said:
It's that fucking simple. Fuck the games, fuck the waiting period, if you actually have even one fucking iota of respect for your so-called friend, then talk to him about it like two functional adult human beings.
How long SHOULD you wait? Damned if I know. If by that question you actually mean "how long should you wait before going out with her without the likely chance of my friend hating me?" then I'd say it varies. In your case, I wouldn't go with her right now, especially since your friend still obviously loves her and wants to get back together. If you go with her now, he'll think you stole her.
After years of extensive testing and long hours of theoretical maths to the tunes of Survivor I have perfected a formula for this occasion.Which is to say I just made that up. But I have to say this could actually work as a formula. I CALL DIBS!
x = rd /(br*B)
Where Rd is the number of days the relationship lasted, br is the number of weeks since the break-up and B is a multiplicating factor dependant on your position on the "bro scale" (a subjective scale of how good a friend he is to you ranging from 10 - 1, where 10 is an acquaintance and 1 is your best friend).
Your result x is the number of days you should wait before engaging in anything serious.
Enjoy!
x = rd /(br*B)
Where Rd is the number of days the relationship lasted, br is the number of weeks since the break-up and B is a multiplicating factor dependant on your position on the "bro scale" (a subjective scale of how good a friend he is to you ranging from 10 - 1, where 10 is an acquaintance and 1 is your best friend).
Your result x is the number of days you should wait before engaging in anything serious.
Enjoy!
I'm dating a friends ex - we've been together now for five years - so, speaking from personal experience:
My friend (lets call him Bert) and his girlfriend at the time (lets call her Helga, just for the fun of it) had been in an on again/off again relationship for a couple of years. I had always been attracted to Helga but had not acted on it as she was already dating Bert when I first met her.
So anyhow, the two of them had this long talk where they came to the conclusion that their relationship was going nowhere and wasnt going to work out, and they decided it was best if they split up.
I waited a couple of months before making a move, and after our first date when me and Helga decided we were in fact an item now, the first thing I did was sit down with Bert and make sure he found out from me (rather than anyone else) what the situation was and that he was OK with it. Bert was very cool and totally OK with the situation and is still friends with me and Helga.
In summary, my opinion is: I think dating a friends ex CAN work, but its important to make sure that no-one is being used to make anyone else jealous, and that everyone understands what is going on. Communication is key.
My friend (lets call him Bert) and his girlfriend at the time (lets call her Helga, just for the fun of it) had been in an on again/off again relationship for a couple of years. I had always been attracted to Helga but had not acted on it as she was already dating Bert when I first met her.
So anyhow, the two of them had this long talk where they came to the conclusion that their relationship was going nowhere and wasnt going to work out, and they decided it was best if they split up.
I waited a couple of months before making a move, and after our first date when me and Helga decided we were in fact an item now, the first thing I did was sit down with Bert and make sure he found out from me (rather than anyone else) what the situation was and that he was OK with it. Bert was very cool and totally OK with the situation and is still friends with me and Helga.
In summary, my opinion is: I think dating a friends ex CAN work, but its important to make sure that no-one is being used to make anyone else jealous, and that everyone understands what is going on. Communication is key.
I don't think I could bring myself to date a friend's ex, not because I think it's wrong or disrespectful, but just because I really hate drama.
Having said that, by the time me and my first boyfriend broke up, I was in terribly in love with my best friend, who was also one of my ex's best friends. I was really really hacked off that it was so taboo and that my best friend got all the shtick for getting with a girl he'd had a crush on for two years just because he'd made friends with her boyfriend.
So looking at it from a friend's perspective, I wouldn't touch that crap with a ten foot pole, but of course looking at it from the girl in question's perspective I'm all WHAT'S IT GOT TO DO WITH MY EX IT ENDED FOR A REASON, YOU KNOW.
... can't speak from the ex's perspective, though, never been in that position. And I guess that's the perspective you're concerned with.
Having said that, by the time me and my first boyfriend broke up, I was in terribly in love with my best friend, who was also one of my ex's best friends. I was really really hacked off that it was so taboo and that my best friend got all the shtick for getting with a girl he'd had a crush on for two years just because he'd made friends with her boyfriend.
So looking at it from a friend's perspective, I wouldn't touch that crap with a ten foot pole, but of course looking at it from the girl in question's perspective I'm all WHAT'S IT GOT TO DO WITH MY EX IT ENDED FOR A REASON, YOU KNOW.
... can't speak from the ex's perspective, though, never been in that position. And I guess that's the perspective you're concerned with.
Is it really worth the potential disastrous drama? Granted i do not have this problem because the moment a friend dates someone I have zero interest in her forever.
Keep in mind if there is a falling out between you two you run the dreaded "friend custody" gauntlet where all of your friends and acquaintances line up on one side or the other.
Keep in mind if there is a falling out between you two you run the dreaded "friend custody" gauntlet where all of your friends and acquaintances line up on one side or the other.
There are important rules for this. W = (D/12)*a where W is the amount of time you should wait in months, D is the length of their relationship in months and a is a constant equal to 2 if it's just a regular acquaintance, 3 if it's a friend, and infinity if it's a best friend. So since you described them as a best friend, never!
Just FYI, even if you talk to your friend about it soonish, if you do ANYTHING about it before HE has moved on he may/will always suspect your involvement with being why things changed between them/ "Hmm what if we broke up because my mate was putting the moves on her" "What if they were doing things before we broke up and he's only now telling me" etc, it happens a lot.
Does the "Whenever they are comfortable" mean when the friend is?
Because if so, I'm going with that.
I know that I probably wouldn't be all right with it. Mostly because I know I'd be tremendously bothered dating a friend's ex.
There was a term that I read in this webcomic that I think is fitting, especially based on my mother's own thoughts.
"Friendcestuous." That's what it is. Like... ew. Too small world and too much mixing and blah.
Because if so, I'm going with that.
I know that I probably wouldn't be all right with it. Mostly because I know I'd be tremendously bothered dating a friend's ex.
There was a term that I read in this webcomic that I think is fitting, especially based on my mother's own thoughts.
"Friendcestuous." That's what it is. Like... ew. Too small world and too much mixing and blah.
I don't care if you think I swear too much. I swear because I'm pissed off by people ignoring the blatantly obvious. In fact, I do read most threads through, even the ones that are like 7 pages long, but this one was so blatantly obvious and mind-numbingly idiotic, I forwent that and just posted the only accurate answer to the question that was asked.axlryder said:
Also, very few people on this site read through an entire thread before posting. Many do, but most don't. As a result, most OPs add any relevant additional information into the OP through edits. It also keeps the post count low and helps keep the thread uncluttered.