Poll: How often do you masturbate?!

[geK0]

Here it is! the logical conclusion to the barrage of super personal threads that we all knew was inevitable

....

and of course I'm the guy who's posting it

...

don't judge me!

The slippery slope argument holds true in this case, and you only have yourselves to blame! Maybe I've taken things to far, maybe there's a fine line between showing off your undies, telling people that you be sleeping naked, and actually talking about what you do between the removing of said undies and sleeping without them!

FUCK YOUR LINE

I have asterisked, dashed out, scribbled on, eraser smudged, whited out and pissed on your line!

THE LINE IS NO MORE!!!!!!

Now that we are liberated from that troublesome metaphor, we may speak of this topic with no restrictions (except ones imposed by the moderators who might inevitably smite this thread with the mighty ban hammer....... seriously, no pictures this time!).

So anyway, getting to the point!

How frequently do fine ladies and gentlemen of the Escapist shuck your oysters, butter your corn, stir your honey pots, or hold the sausage hostage?

Do you require visual aid to really whip your cream? Or do you only need your imagination to frost your pastries?

At what time of the day do you baste your ham?

Have you ever liquidated your inventory in an inappropriate setting?

What do you think about while playing some 5v1?


For those of you who still firmly hold your little line sacred (I'm sorry to have offended you by urinating on it), please at least answer the poll; for all others, maybe put your answers in spoiler boxes.

Spoiler: TMI

I pluck my duck about 3-5 times a week, usually without visual aid but I like porn as much as the next fellow. A lot of times when I'm jerking my beef, I think about all of the boring adult things (the non-sexy adult things) I'm obligated to do the next day; sexy, right? I usually baste my ham before sleeping, and yes I have done so in an inappropriate setting before (I will not share that much though)

Spoiler: My forum health bar

edit:
options 1 and 2 appear to be glitched, #1 is "i dont masturbate (less than once a year)" and #2 is "I don't need to masturbate because I experience regular intercourse". The last one should read "several times a day (I just can't help myself, I have a serious problem)". Can a mod fix this if they decide not to ban this thread, my attempts to edit it have seemed to not work.

edit edit:
I am aware that my sloppy poll options make exactly 76% of the statisticians among the Escapists pull their hair out in a furious fit of rage.



You guys far exceeded my expectations for frequency of masturbation! GIVE YOURSELVES A ROUND OF APPLAUSE *clap clap clap clap*

 

[Barbas]

Lots and lots, with little inspiration, provocation or forethought. The only thing that really keeps Rosy Palm and her five daughters from strangling Nessie is the Forum Games section of this site. Should that go down, I fear it'll be anarchy in the UK.

 

[Catfood220]

Snip

I shake hands with the unemployed a couple of times a week. You should know, these are your cameras hidden in my flat.

It depends what sort of mood I'm in, but its usually first thing in the morning or last thing at night (or if I can't sleep). But it certainly isn't as often as when I was a young man where everything was probably coated in a gooey substance.

I usually use my imagination most of the time, its quick and easy. I do use porn sometimes but it takes me a while to find a decent video. If the man is too into it then its off putting for me. Seriously dude, its my fantasy time here, take it down a notch.

I feel I am sometimes a far to open person.

 

[geK0]

Snip

I shake hands with the unemployed a couple of times a week. You should know, these are your cameras hidden in my flat.

It depends what sort of mood I'm in, but its usually first thing in the morning or last thing at night (or if I can't sleep). But it certainly isn't as often as when I was a young man where everything was probably coated in a gooey substance.

I usually use my imagination most of the time, its quick and easy. I do use porn sometimes but it takes me a while to find a decent video. If the man is too into it then its off putting for me. Seriously dude, its my fantasy time here, take it down a notch.

I feel I am sometimes a far to open person.

Oh snap! how did you find those? Please don't press charges! (could you fed ex the SD cards to me?)


Oh, I added a few more questions to the topic btw

 

[Sleepy Sol]

I'm not sure if I feel comfortable admitting how often I spank the monkey.

How about a guessing game?! (please don't guess I'm kidding)

I used to be able to use my imagination for this stuff all the damn time. I still do occasionally, but it doesn't happen as often now. So I typically have a, uh...visual aid. Yeah.

 

[geK0]

Also, I can't answer that last question - because it's fucking awesome to be a woman]

The last euphemism was meant to be gender neutral, I changed it now though.

 

[geK0]

I'm not sure if I feel comfortable admitting how often I spank the monkey.

How about a guessing game?! (please don't guess I'm kidding)

I used to be able to use my imagination for this stuff all the damn time. I still do occasionally, but it doesn't happen as often now. So I typically have a, uh...visual aid. Yeah.

It's too late for me to add a poll option for "nearly once an hour"

 

[Sleepy Sol]

I'm not sure if I feel comfortable admitting how often I spank the monkey.

How about a guessing game?! (please don't guess I'm kidding)

I used to be able to use my imagination for this stuff all the damn time. I still do occasionally, but it doesn't happen as often now. So I typically have a, uh...visual aid. Yeah.

It's too late for me to add a forum option for "nearly once an hour"

I don't want to imagine the chafing associated with doing it that often.

Ok, I'll just admit it right out and say that it's typically once or twice daily. So not that bad. But still, feels weird for me to admit stuff like that.

I'll slink back into my corner of shame.

 

[geK0]

I'll slink back into my corner of shame.

What are you going to be doing in said corner?

 

[Vendor-Lazarus]

How frequently? - Depends on mood. Sometimes several times a week, though most often once a week at least.
I've done it every other week since I was 10 at in any case.
Never could do it twice a day. At most once a day, for a stretch.

Visual aid/imagination? - Both. Most often visual aid be it real or drawn. Seldom videos, except gifs.
I can use imagination only though my character traits sometimes gets in the way.
Too much buildup to make it believable and getting caught up in tangentially related topics (and topics tangentially related to those ad infinitum).

At what time? - Doesn't matter at all.

In an inappropriate setting? - ...Yes.

Think about? - When I can, sexy time. I don't want to be side-tracked.

 

[Sleepy Sol]

I'll slink back into my corner of shame.

What are you going to be doing in said corner?

I've been backed into a corner.

I can assure you, I won't be whacking the smokestack. Probably. (Heh.)

Spoiler: I'm so fucked up

Nah, I think I'll actually be crying.

 

[Boris Goodenough]

I am going with enough...

Also Captcha: Funny farm...

 

[Beffudled Sheep_v1legacy]

Well, we all knew it would come to this. And since we know about my lack of knickers, my sleeping in the buff, and how many personal relationships I've had it was only a matter of time...

Spoiler: Spoiler cause its diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirty and private

Daily. Yes. Daily. 'Cept the weekends when my husband is home. So almost daily. When I can be alone then.

I visual stimulation and a helper, because it's quicker that way. I'm efficient that way, I can get it ready and done before the commercials are even over... except I don't have a TV, and the BBC doesn't show commercials too often so I don't know what commercials are playing. In fact, who the hell put that fake TV in my bedroom?

Time of day huh? Well, any time my husband isn't home, because that's private time. That's me time.

I have done my duty to my booty (so to speak) in several inappropriate places, I will not name them, or people may be irritated. >.>

Also, I can't answer that last question, thank you very much. I'm not wasting any kids when I rub it the right way, because I am a woman, and I can do it for an hour and get several orgasms in, because it's fucking awesome to be a woman

Hey now don't be like that! Some men can have more than one orgasm in a row and masturbate/sex for hours!

OT: God I love these threads! They're a nice breath of fresh and silly air after the last couple years of "OMG CONTROVERSY!" we've had.
Anywhoozers, on to the questions.

I usually choke my chicken once when I wake up to get rid of that pesky morning wood and once before I go to bed to help me sleep. Sometimes if I'm feeling really bored and need to kill time I'll do it a couple more times.
I only do it once or not at all if I get laid though.

I use visual aid and my imagination in equal measure but I do prefer porn. My imagination is good but seeing what I'm into on screen is a bit more vivid and hotter than the somewhat fuzzy things my mind comes up with.

I've never yanked my chain outside of my home, I'm not very adventurous lol.

I think about a lot of different things, too many my lazy butt is willing to list.

 

[Colour Scientist]

OT: God I love these threads! They're a nice breath of fresh and silly air after the last couple years of "OMG CONTROVERSY!"

For once, it wasn't me!

As for the question, I know it seems really stupid given the subject matter of my last two threads but I am actually a bit bashful about answering this.

Eh, at least once a week, definitely not e'ryday.

I've never done anywhere inappropriate and I tend to use visual aids because I'm lazy and it's usually to unwind a bit in the evening.

I'm actually cringing so hard right now. XD

 

[Beffudled Sheep_v1legacy]

OT: God I love these threads! They're a nice breath of fresh and silly air after the last couple years of "OMG CONTROVERSY!"

For once, it wasn't me!

As for the question, I know it seems really stupid given the subject matter of my last two threads but I am actually a bit bashful about answering this.

Eh, at least once a week, definitely not e'ryday.

I've never done anywhere inappropriate and I tend to use visual aids because I'm lazy and it's usually to unwind a bit in the evening.

I'm actually cringing so hard right now. XD

I'm sure OP is just one of your alt accounts!

Why you cringing so much?
What are you a prude?

 

[geK0]

OT: God I love these threads! They're a nice breath of fresh and silly air after the last couple years of "OMG CONTROVERSY!"

For once, it wasn't me!

As for the question, I know it seems really stupid given the subject matter of my last two threads but I am actually a bit bashful about answering this.

Eh, at least once a week, definitely not e'ryday.

I've never done anywhere inappropriate and I tend to use visual aids because I'm lazy and it's usually to unwind a bit in the evening.

I'm actually cringing so hard right now. XD

I'm sure OP is just one of your alt accounts!

Why you cringing so much?
What are you a prude?

Shit you've caught me!

I am Colour scientist's subconscious mind! I am her reptilian brain! Which is why I am named after a colour-changing reptile!

She might be cringing because of all the cheesey euphemisms she subconsciously wrote.

 

[Colour Scientist]

OT: God I love these threads! They're a nice breath of fresh and silly air after the last couple years of "OMG CONTROVERSY!"

For once, it wasn't me!

As for the question, I know it seems really stupid given the subject matter of my last two threads but I am actually a bit bashful about answering this.

Eh, at least once a week, definitely not e'ryday.

I've never done anywhere inappropriate and I tend to use visual aids because I'm lazy and it's usually to unwind a bit in the evening.

I'm actually cringing so hard right now. XD

I'm sure OP is just one of your alt accounts!

Why you cringing so much?
What are you a prude?

Apparently I am. :3

It must be old age.