Poll: Isn't crying about the deceased pointless?

[drosalion]

I tend to agree essentially. A funeral/wake should be a celebration of someones life, not a mourning of their death. The way we go about these things in society is completely the wrong way round. Theres no reason that it cant be a time of joy as you remember all the good times you all had together with the individual and reminisce over all the fond memories, yet instead its a sad sombre affair that if you arent already depressed going into it - you sure as hell will be afterwards.

The worst (or perhaps just most unexplainable) is religious people who believe in Heaven who also find deaths and the loss of a loved one a tragedy. Its incredibly selfish and all about "oh ill never get to see that person again", when really you should be like "wow lucky bastard he gets to go to heaven with our lord im so happy for them, and in due time ill be reunited with them!".

I dno, I just think if you were able to see your own funeral yeh it'd be touching that people cared about you, but i'd just feel bad that i've made them all feel bad. Id much rather people laughing about something funny that we did together or sharing movies/pictures/music and just having a celebration of life while of course acknowledging they will be missed, yet not being depressed about it.

 

[Insanity72]

I used to cry when family members died, but now since i've been to 3 funerals (Mother, Grandma and Uncle) at the age 16, I have accepted that people come and go and now i only get sad if it were someone in direct relations (Dad, brother, girlfriend etc.)

 

[XHolySmokesX]

I am fortunate enough to have not experienced my very close relatives deaths in my life so far, but a few of the people i used to go to school with have passed.

As far as crying goes, it's a method of grievance, for me the closer the relative the more tears, it's an atuomatic process whcih has a degree of 'flow control' lets say.

I don't have anything against grieving, i would encourage it to an extent, but i believe it is more important to celebrate the lives of the desceased and remember the good times and the growth you have shared with that person rather than remaining sad that you will never see them again.

I have this believe that in death you have ultimate peace, as you can no longer feel fear, pain or any kind of suffering, and it has been found that moments before death our brains release a surge of hormones, endorphins and brain chemicals allowing us to die in a state of euphoria.

Ps: isn't excessive moarning over death kind of selfish? You're being sad becasue YOU never get to see them again, not because they are suffering.

 

[Kirex]

We grieve for the reasons I stated earlier. There are big differences in how people do it and while it seems your family is more authoritarian and posing about their grief it isn't the universally agreed upon model which is enforced everywhere. In my experience most Nordics tend to be reserved about showing grief, even at funerals, but tend to keep such things private.

Not my whole family to be exact, my mother is fine with it. Still, the others look at me like I'm Satan.

Now, you were right about me (somehow) answering my own question: Relieving stress it is.
But I still don't understand why it's blown out of proportion, and as I already clarified to Thomas:
I'm not talking about people dying because of an accident.

Maybe it's just my location(Germany), but sometimes this whole mandatory-grieving makes it worse for some members of the family. I've had a friend who just wanted to get it over with, because he didn't want to do anything, he just wanted to be alone and think about life and death, that would've been better than his whole family pulling him to the funeral where he got depressed because of the direct confrontation - he wanted that, too, but not at that time. He wanted to wait a while, then just go to the grave and say thanks to his dead grandfather, but no, he had to go there, listen to the stupid speech and it was way worse for him than it could've been.
So, my problem would also be that you're told how to grieve, I really don't get that. Can't everybody just do his thing? I think that would also solve my other problem: People wouldn't make this "public crying session" out of it and I understand, if it's your way to relieve stress, fine, cry, punch walls, do whatever. But why does everybody have to behave how they want him to?

 

[PingoBlack]

To the OP:
Crying is not as much about the deceased ... it's about the survivors.

It's a reaction of our bodies and brains, used to relieve extreme stress. Something that is quite common under duress, as I'm sure you yourself will remember.

So yeah, crying is appropriate and healthy in such a situation. And much safer than trying to not cry when you are that stressed.

In your case, you seem to have more of a problem because your reaction is unusual to some level. Nothing strange with it though, as long as you don't get in confrontational situation about it. You should understand why people around you feel the need to cry and hopefully, they will understand why you don't.

 

[Adam Jensen_v1legacy]

It is pointless if you look at it from a detached rational perspective. But you are not crying FOR the deceased, you do it for yourself. Sometimes you can't hold your emotions, and it isn't healthy to keep them all inside for very long anyway. So when someone close to you dies, that's your chance to cry not just because of that event but because of everything you've been holding in.

 

[Soviet Steve]

So, my problem would also be that you're told how to grieve, I really don't get that. Can't everybody just do his thing? I think that would also solve my other problem: People wouldn't make this "public crying session" out of it and I understand, if it's your way to relieve stress, fine, cry, punch walls, do whatever. But why does everybody have to behave how they want him to?

Ah, this makes more sense to ask - Some cultures stress rituals a lot more than others. I would say that for collectivist minded people there is prestige in signalling unity of the family unit by showing how hard it is to lose someone within it.

To a far more extreme degree this was also displayed in Communist nations when Stalin, Mao and Kim Il Sung died - The head(s) of the collective desire outward prestige by showing that their collective is united.

"Keeping up appearances" would be the short answer, I don't condone such behaviour though.

 

[sharks9]

I haven't ever had anyone close to me die, though I assume I will cry when they do.

 

[kickassfrog]

Yes, it is pointless, but having said that, I still do it anyway.
I've cried at one of the two funerals of relatives who died while I was old enough to understand death, and cried when I heard the news of the others death.

I still have the same opinion as my grandad did, and that would be saying "What the bloody hell are you all crying about?" at my own funeral. As long as you live a good life which causes people to be sad, they shouldn't be sad- they should be celebrating the positive difference you made to all their lives.

 

[phantasmalWordsmith]

I think I read somewhere that the body releases some kind of endorphin to make us feel better when we cry, thus we cry when upset to make ourselves feel better. I'm not sure though, I might be confusing it with laughter

 

[SckizoBoy]

It's the affectionate connection that drives us to be sad, not the fact of the matter.

This...

Because you have 3 responses to stress: emotion oriented response, problem oriented response, and avoidance. Since with dealing with a death, you can't take the problem oriented approach (i.e. doing something about it, cos y'know...can't reverse a death) you have to either avoid the problem altogether, or deal with it emotionally. Since denial is generally a bad thing, most of the time you'll vent your emotions through crying. We don't exactly choose to do it, we just have to. It isn't pointless because it helps us feel ever so slightly, fractionally better individually.

... and this, form the relevant facets of my answer.

snip

So, what you're wondering is... why do we mourn those who have lived a good life, as opposed to celebrating the achievements of said good life?

...

Yeah, I don't get that either. When my Great-aunt dies, you can bet I'm going to be sad, but am I going to cry? No, I'm not. I'll dredge up the letters that we exchanged, grin at how shit my handwriting was, and remember all the good times the family had with her. I might visit her grave, tell her how I'm doing and hope she's doing OK too, wherever she may be. She's already lived a productive and fulfilling life, so when she dies, no-one's going to regret anything. And the cynic in me is going to smirk 'at least she doesn't have to share the same polluted air as us cretins any more'.

However, I have mourned with full waterworks twice in my life, because I couldn't do a damned thing about. Once when my first girlfriend died and again when my second girlfriend gave birth. No man with a heart should endure that without tears if he wishes to recover from such tragedy. I'm not proud that I cried my eyes dry on both occasions, but I sure as hell wasn't ashamed, even if it was in public, 'cos I couldn't stop it and it had to be done.

 

[Vault101]

yeah its pointless but you know thease funny things called emotions take over hard logic

I mean the fact is you liked this person, and now they are gone from your life they have ceaced to exist, that really sucks, it sucks enough for you to cry and its not somthing you can control

 

[Darknacht]

My family tends to celebrate the life of the dead rather then mourn the loss. The exception in my family is the persons spouse typically mourns the person though not always by crying, this is more from a feeling of being left behind by a person that was not just close to them but a part of them. This does typically create awkward situations at the wake for more recent friends of the dead who come and cry while my family and typically the closer friends of the dead laugh and tell happy stories of the persons life. This is in part because this is just how we prefer to do things and in part because my family tends to have very long life spans. Some in my family have even lived so long that they eventually decided that at 100+ they had completed everything they wished to, told the family that they were ready to pass on and willed them selves dead.

 

[BlueMage]

Crying is a reactionary response to sadness.

We can't help how we feel.

It also has an emotionally-numbing effect similar to laughing. Basically, crying is the body/mind's method of emotional self-anesthetization. This is also why some people laugh at funerals.

These are base emotional reactions. There's nothing particularly shameful about it. A real man can express his feelings secure in the knowledge that he's still a man. A coward ... well, cowards tend to hide things well - sometimes folks don't even realise they're cowards.

 

[Lilani]

-snip-

You make it sound like we choose to be cry, like there's some button we press to turn it on or off. Are you depressed, or have very little human contact? Seriously. You seem to have a great detachment from how people work. People don't choose to cry, and most cannot successfully fake it (and those who do pull off of emotions and memories from the past). Crying is a reaction, not an action. As someone else already said, there are 3 ways to react to stress: a problem-oriented reaction, an emotion-oriented reaction, and avoidance. Since death isn't a problem you can approach, that means the only ways you can react to it are emotionally or avoidance. And if you've seen anybody react to situations like that, that's exactly what they do. They either break down and cry, or go into denial--sometimes to the point of becoming catatonic.

Though how much of each reaction occurs depends almost entirely on how emotionally attached you are to the person. When I found out my grandmother died, I really didn't see her that often or know her that well, so I didn't cry at first. I was actually able to block it out for a while. But then at the funeral, seeing her there in the casket and being in that moment with so many others, I just broke down and cried. I didn't mean to, and I'm not sure if I wanted to. It just happened. It's a reaction, like saying "ow" when you stub your toe. It happens before you even realize it's happening.

As for your whole claim that we're "supposed" to be sad when someone dies, I think you've also misinterpreted that in some ways. The only people who are expected to be sad are the ones who knew the person the closest. And even then nobody's usually keeping score as to how many tears each one produces to make sure everybody's reacting "normally." The only time people will keep track of other's reactions with those sorts of things are the petty, judgmental ones who are looking to take out their own emotional frustrations on others. Otherwise, everyone else knows that everybody reacts to things differently. Especially in this day and age, you'll not see anyone becoming pariahs or being tossed in the loony bin just for not crying at a funeral.

However, when it comes to death, the one thing everyone IS expected to be, regardless of how they knew the person, is respectful. Don't antagonize anybody else or make inappropriate jokes at the deceased's expense. It's just insensitive and cruel, and completely unnecessary.

Oh, and as for your question about it being pointless, yes it is pointless. But so is shouting and cursing when you hurt yourself. The damage is done. There's nothing you can do, apart from react. And that's exactly what crying is. A reaction.

 

[Tentickles]

I'm going at assume you have not had anyone close to you die.
Why am I assuming that?
Because your question is rather stupid and heartless.

 

[Brandon237]

Crying is a reactionary response to sadness.

We can't help how we feel.

This, if someone or thing (I have lost many pets) was close to me, I will be upset at the loss. Anyone who wouldn't be... is someone I would be careful around. Very, very careful around.

 

[Nyaliva]

I'm a guy and I cry a lot. But recently, I was told an old family friend had passed, one who I knew well and loved dearly, but I didn't cry. I knew it was sad, but I also knew it was just what happened. Then I went to the funeral and I didn't feel like crying, but when I saw her husband, I felt a wave of emotion flow over me. By the end, I was in tears and I wanted to leave because I physically couldn't walk up to her husband and say I'm sorry without balling too hard to hear anything. So I accept the death of loved ones, if they're very close I will actually cry over them, but I cry more for the emotions of others, and for the grief the death causes them.

 

[drummond13]

It's not a "trend in culture" it's a natural emotional response to loss.

You're like one of those robots in sci-fi shows that ask questions like "what is the benefit of laughter" and "why do humans sometimes say things that aren't true." Nobody cries because they're logically thinking it will help the situation; that's not what emotions are about.

 

[Kirex]

snip

Thank you for answering that, it makes sense, but it's still a shame that things have to be that way.



To those who said to think about the good times:
Exactly, that is what I do most of the time, I think of the fun we had and the good times. It makes everything easier.

You make it sound like we choose to be cry, like there's some button we press to turn it on or off. Are you depressed, or have very little human contact? Seriously. You seem to have a great detachment from how people work. People don't choose to cry, and most cannot successfully fake it (and those who do pull off of emotions and memories from the past). Crying is a reaction, not an action.

You can't deny that some people cry only because they're told to, which has nothing to do with faking or choosing per se, but more with how you've grown up. See, as a child, you are told it's wrong to steal, so it feels wrong to steal or see somebody steal something. It's an emotional response to something, where you maybe(!) wouldn't have had one, at least not that strong. It's the same case for this(essentially, it's more severe if someone dies, yes): Sure, some people might also be unbelievably sad about death without being told that they should be, and that is fine, really, you can work off your stress like you want, my problem is(after my revision, yes, what I said at first was kind of stupid) that you press something onto children or society in general, where they would react completely different, apathy, avoidance, it works for some people, so why have this standard?

Though how much of each reaction occurs depends almost entirely on how emotionally attached they are.

Very much: Yes. Entirely: Not really, as I stated before, your reaction to everything is also influenced by how you're expected to react.

When I found out my grandmother died, I really didn't see her that often or know her that well, so I didn't cry at first. I was actually able to block it out for a while. But then at the funeral, seeing her there in the casket and being in that moment with so many others, I just broke down and cried. I didn't mean to, and I'm not sure if I wanted to. It just happened. It's a reaction, like saying "ow" when you stub your toe. It happens before you even realize it's happening.

Would you have cried if nobody else had? I'm not trying to be an ass or question you, I'm just interested.

As for your whole claim that we're "supposed" to be sad when someone dies, I think you've also misinterpreted that in some ways. The only people who are expected to be sad are the ones who knew the person the closest.

It's much worse here, at least I get the feeling it is. Didn't really know that guy? Well, be sad anyways. When my grandfather died, I didn't cry, I just stood there and had respect for him, I really did think about what he has gone through for his family, I didn't really have much to do with him, though. And apparently I am evil because of that. I was meant to cry because he was my grandfather.

And even then nobody's usually keeping score as to how many tears each one produces to make sure everybody's reacting "normally." The only time people will keep track of other's reactions with those sorts of things are the petty, judgmental ones who are looking to take out their own emotional frustrations on others. Otherwise, everyone else knows that everybody reacts to things differently. Especially in this day and age, you'll not see anyone becoming pariahs or being tossed in the loony bin just for not crying at a funeral.

I wish. When I talk about this with my best friends, they're okay with it, but if I bring this up to anybody(well not ANYbody, but you know what I mean) else, then they get all pissy and call me heartless. Maybe I am just talking to the wrong people, but I really feel as if almost everybody judges me for behaving the way I do.

However, when it comes to death, the one thing everyone IS expected to be, regardless of how they knew the person, is respectful. Don't antagonize anybody else or make inappropriate jokes at the deceased's expense. It's just insensitive and cruel, and completely unnecessary.

Well, I don't want to hurt anyone, that's for sure, but I make those jokes to the people that I know will laugh about it.(My Mother) I'm really not trying to be an ass, but that's also part of how I deal with it, still, If I have the smallest doubt of hurting someone by saying such things, I won't say them. I'm not cynical for the sake of being, you know, evil, but because it helps me.

I'm going at assume you have not had anyone close to you die.
Why am I assuming that?
Because your question is rather stupid and heartless.

I've already revised that, you should read the thread. I'm not asking questions to take my stand and tell everyone else that they're wrong.