Poll: My friend has shocked and appalled me. Now I feel numb...

[googleboy]

Hello Escapist,
As they say on Frasier, Long time listener, first time caller. I found out an hour ago that a good friend from High School, who I still see and have had in my home for social functions and drinks with my family and other friends, raped a girl I know. Needless to say, I am completely shocked and appalled by this brazen act of inhumanity. The young woman is pressing charges and is in touch with our local DA. My problem is this:

*This 'friend' is still running around telling lies about the girl in teh mean time.
*He is still downing drinks and yucking laughs with my friends and their families/friends.
*He is being allowed unknowingly around other peoples vulnerable daughters.

Do I A) Do nothing and wait for the DA to prosecute;
B) Warn my closest friends and their families so as to protect them;
C) Shout from the rooftops (metaphorically) that this man is bad/evil;
D) Some other action that you suggest.

Addendums:
1) I know enough not to interfere with or endanger the DA's case. This is a slam dunk as he has even admitted doing it in a threatening letter sent to the victim.
2) I am presently emotional about this subject and am not necessarily thinking past my anger and feelings of betrayal.

 

[awesomeClaw]

Are you 100% absolutely super-duper mega sure that he HAS in fact raped a woman, and the woman isn´t just pressing charges out of spite? If you´re not, then wait until the verdict. If you got falsely accused of rape, would you want all your friends to avoid you?

If you are sure, then B.

 

[googleboy]

Are you 100% absolutely super-duper mega sure that he HAS in fact raped a woman, and the woman isn´t just pressing charges out of spite? If you´re not, then wait until the verdict. If you got falsely accused of rape, would you want all your friends to avoid you?

If you are sure, then B.

I am in a small quandary as I know 100% for a fact that this is the case however I acquired the information in a dubious way (relative in the DA's office).

 

[awesomeClaw]

Are you 100% absolutely super-duper mega sure that he HAS in fact raped a woman, and the woman isn´t just pressing charges out of spite? If you´re not, then wait until the verdict. If you got falsely accused of rape, would you want all your friends to avoid you?

If you are sure, then B.

I am in a small quandary as I know 100% for a fact that this is the case however I acquired the information in a dubious way (relative in the DA's office).

Very well then. B.

 

[Undead Dragon King]

That's horrible. I feel terrible for you and your lady-frind. As for my take...

"All that it takes for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing" -Thomas Jefferson

As certain as you are that the DA will win the case, you cannot let him continue on this path as if it never happened. You must tell others about this. Knowing the justice system, it may take weeks, or even months, to commute the sentence. Who knows what might happen in the meantime.

The single question I have is, how did you come across this info? Did she tell you herself, or was this secondhand? This is a serious attack on someone's reputation, and I would not advise it if it was not absolutely certain.

If you're sure, however, then go forward with it. Others must be warned.

 

[Slimshad]

Why would he admit doing it to someone who already knows he did it? Sounds like a !CONSPIRACY! to me. Did you ask your friend if he did it or not? If he is that good a friend to you, you should ask him. If he denies it, the girl might simply be trying to ruin his reputation. But your post indicates that he isn't your friend anymore just because a girl claimed he raped her, so I am assuming your friendship was not as 'tight' as it could have been.

On the other hand, he could be a rapist. I would NOT interfere with his social life until I know the facts, and being charged without prosecution is NOT a fact. Don't go spreading stuff behind his back though, confront him first if he is/was your friend.

Edit: If you got the information from a lawyer who is on the girl's side, chances are you're gonna hear about the girl's side of the story, not the boys. You're innocent until proven guilty, and verifying nothing but a rumor at this point would be terrible if it turns out he wasn't guilty.

 

[ultrachicken]

I vote for option B.

 

[Craorach]

A.

Its not your place nor anyone elses to judge or punish this person. The legal system will do that. What you should do is report your relative for clearly breaking the rules of their position.

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

Warn them QUIETLY. Make sure they know that they could screw up the DA's case badly if they gossip.

 

[googleboy]

A.

Its not your place nor anyone elses to judge or punish this person. The legal system will do that. What you should do is report your relative for clearly breaking the rules of their position.

The family member in question recused themselves as required by our local law. No statute has been officially breached. There is zero room for doubt under the circumstance. My knee-jerk reaction is to do as Bara_no_Hime suggests and be discreet.

 

[LobsterFeng]

I voted for option B. Out of curiosity, do you still consider him a friend?

 

[Jordi]

Are you 100% absolutely super-duper mega sure that he HAS in fact raped a woman, and the woman isn´t just pressing charges out of spite? If you´re not, then wait until the verdict. If you got falsely accused of rape, would you want all your friends to avoid you?

If you are sure, then B.

I am in a small quandary as I know 100% for a fact that this is the case however I acquired the information in a dubious way (relative in the DA's office).

I don't want to nitpick, but the DA's office is not actually the one who decides whether your friend is guilty. That's a judge's/jury's job (depending on what country you live in). Think about it: how often does it happen that a suspect is prosecuted and acquitted? That means that (legally) the DA was wrong in that case.

But anyhow, I don't think that it would change much for me anyway. I think you can talk to your closest friends anyway. That's why they are your close friends right? If you're 100% sure about this, you should obviously warn them, but even if you're not I think you should be able to talk to them about anything. In that case, just tell them what you know (and what you don't!) and let them make up their own minds.

Edit:

Warn them QUIETLY. Make sure they know that they could screw up the DA's case badly if they gossip.

If this is the case, then I revoke the advice I gave above. However, I really don't see how "gossiping" could screw up the DA's case. So out of curiosity: how could that happen?

 

[Blindrooster]

This is a serious matter, i dont think you should be asking the internet. Instead, look to those close to you firmiliar with the situation you can trust.

 

[Scabadus]

Warn the people you know, and try to warn them without gossiping. Just give them the facts you learnt, and the sources you got them from. If you really do 100% know, then they won't be able to argue against it. If there is some flaw in your findings, hey, you jus tpassed along the facts.

And since nobody's said it yet, if you're friends with the girl, be there for her if she needs you. Especially if very few people know at the moment, she may want somebody to talk to (or may not, let her decide).

 

[Monkfish Acc.]

Well obviously the first step is to stop being friends with him, which I think you've got covered. Then I guess let people know why.
You don't have to go around telling everyone. You can let your closest friends and family know without spreading it around like it's juicy fucking gossip. Everyone will find out eventually, I should think.

There really isn't much else you can do, here. It's not your business to tell everybody ever.

 

[Slimshad]

A.

Its not your place nor anyone elses to judge or punish this person. The legal system will do that. What you should do is report your relative for clearly breaking the rules of their position.

The family member in question recused themselves as required by our local law. No statute has been officially breached. There is zero room for doubt under the circumstance. My knee-jerk reaction is to do as Bara_no_Hime suggests and be discreet.

God, I seriously hope you don't do that. No matter what, it will start a rumor. The family members you tell will tell other people to avoid the guy, and it will continue until a pretty large chunk of the community will be against him. And there is NO SUCH THING as zero room for doubt.

 

[MisterGobbles]

A light B. I wouldn't flat out tell them that he's an accused rapist, at least not yet, but you should at least warn the ladies that he may try to pull something when he's drunk or whatever.

 

[Furious Styles]

Unless you know for sure, as in 100%, don't do anything. Lies and slander can ruin people's lives, especially when its to do with matters like rape. If he's actually done it, then that's appalling, but the process of law is there for a reason: to avoid irrational judgements and unreliable evidence.

I say keep an eye out, but do not tell anyone you know or who knows him.

 

[b1zarr0]

Warn them QUIETLY. Make sure they know that they could screw up the DA's case badly if they gossip.

I'd do something like this if I were in that situation

I'd want my other friends to know what's up yet I would advise them to not get too gossipy until the DA hands down the verdict and sentence

 

[googleboy]

Are you 100% absolutely super-duper mega sure that he HAS in fact raped a woman, and the woman isn´t just pressing charges out of spite? If you´re not, then wait until the verdict. If you got falsely accused of rape, would you want all your friends to avoid you?

If you are sure, then B.

I am in a small quandary as I know 100% for a fact that this is the case however I acquired the information in a dubious way (relative in the DA's office).

I don't want to nitpick, but the DA's office is not actually the one who decides whether your friend is guilty. That's a judge's/jury's job (depending on what country you live in). Think about it: how often does it happen that a suspect is prosecuted and acquitted? That means that (legally) the DA was wrong in that case.

But anyhow, I don't think that it would change much for me anyway. I think you can talk to your closest friends anyway. That's why they are your close friends right? If you're 100% sure about this, you should obviously warn them, but even if you're not I think you should be able to talk to them about anything. In that case, just tell them what you know (and what you don't!) and let them make up their own minds.

Jordi, You are correct. In my jurisdiction the DA handles prosecutions only. This will of course go to trial which is why I/we have to be careful not to taint the trial in any way.

Blindrooster, It is 11pm here, such people are asleep; but I take your meaning.

LobsterFeng, I am still too shocked to be sure about anything.

Slimshad, Under normal circumstances I agree with you. The fool filmed himself and sent threatening letters to the victim.

To all: I am not inclined to broadcast this fact widely. I am however tied up regarding the morale implications of not saying anything. At this point I am inclined to watch and wait.