Post a funny quote you've heard someone say in real life

[Drops a Sweet Katana]

Here's a couple gems from one of my friends.

When asked what he was coming to school as for the Christmas assembly, he responded 'The angel that gets sodomised on the top of the tree.'

Why did Germany lose WWI? 'I don't know, but have they tried looking behind the sofa?'

 

[Strazdas]

remember when you used dos? remember when you typed things wrongin it and it would claim that its "bad or invalid". well i knew a guy that got so offended by it (thinking it called him invalid) that he went and complained to the companys support service.

(talking about computers) "Well, I hit ALT-f6, shift-f8, CTRL-f10, f4, and f9, and now it looks all weird."

 

[Jolly Co-operator]

"STD's are a lot like a fruitcake; nobody really wants one, but they usually get one from me around Christmas time anyway".

I honestly don't remember what conversation we had that led up to that, but remembering that line still makes me chuckle a little.

 

[Surpheal]

"And then in comes Mecha-Satan-Cthulhu."
Said about a few hours ago, watching a friend of mine at school playing Romancing Saga.


"Well how bad could that be?"
"Have you ever seen a chihuahua try to fight a wolverine? It goes something like that."
Another one said at my school to describe something that happened to them in a game.

 

[geK0]

My nephew was crying because the PS3 controller stopped working when he was playing Little Big Planet

his dad: "did you spill anything on it?"
him: "*sob* my tears" :,[

so hilarious, adorable and sad at the same time, lmao.

 

[TheFunPolice]

"Buddha called, HE WANTS HIS EARLOBES BACK" - Me, having an insult contest with my friend

---------------------------
This one is with the same friend while we were playing Minecraft, where I decided to introduce him to the Nether for the first time, while my view distance was set to "Tiny"

My mother came into the room and asked why we were screaming so much

and my friend replied:

"basically, Oscar is blind and navigating me through hell."

 

[Benni88]

"The Iphone is the most important thing to ever happen to video games."

At a festival, in a forest, from a gentleman who'd perhaps taken one too many stimulants.

 

[rockoffanddie]

My personal favorite stupid real life quote that i have ever heard of came from the king of stupid quotes George W Bush,
"Childrens do learn when standards are high", Oh Does they George.

 

[unindexedsearchengine]

A bunch of friends and I were walking around town, at which point we come across a dead bird.
"Look, a dead bird!" a friend exclaims.
"Where?" asks another while gazing into the sky.

 

[SckizoBoy]

A tad late to the show but never mind...

Oh, my marriage has plenty of chemistry... the wife is on valium, and I'm on viagra!

 

[omega 616]

Without getting too far into it....

"animals changing like that isn't evolution, it's just slowly adapting to its environment over many generations"

I shit you not, my religious friend said that.

 

[Jark212]

Kinda heavy on the bad language:

Spoiler

"We're all going out to lunch today to get the food so delicious it tastes like shit. I'm going to shove some waffle fries up my ass."

Crap I hear at work...

 

[Harley Q]

I knew a girl, she didn't know where her forearm was. She said to me one day, completely earnest, "homosexuals are so gay"

My brother having an argument with his girlfriend, "I didn't take your f**king face cream, I have my own moisturiser, and its sensitive" This was made all the more amusing as he is quite butch, usually.

Oh I was talking about BDSM (long story) and how 50 shades is written by someone who doesn't seem to have any knowledge on the subject. My aunt interjected "It's like a windsurfer trying to write about sky-diving"

 

[hazabaza1]

Imagine a 15 year old shouting this whilst also being incredibly retarded.

Spoiler

IS INDIAN A RELIGION HURF DURF

 

[Ldude893]

"Oh look at me, I've got ze powa, I'm touching all ze naked people."

[sub]-My history teacher describing a portion of the Sistine Chapel.[/sub]

 

[PsychicTaco115]

A dirty take on a Joker quote, courtesy me and my friends....

Do you want to know why I use a finger? Dicks are too quick. You can't savor all the... little emotions. In... you see, in their last moments, people show you who they really are. So in a way, I know your friends better than you ever did. Would you like to know which of them were homosexuals?

 

[Lewg999]

My history teacher to another history teacher discussing who's class would win in a fight in front of my class.

'Well we've got that scary russian kid , bet he'd do some damage'
'True but we've got her * points at girl who wears far too much makeup and is an idiot* , She could just trowel mascara onto your class till they drown'

and a few quotes from said girl because she's hilariously ignorant.

'He's adorable is Stalin'
'I don't like Hitler , He killed his cute little puppy dog'
'I dont get taxes , government is famous and famous people get money so why arent the government rich?'
'So are the Nazis still in power?'
'I thought Russia was a small town in italy!'

 

[Artina89]

My dad once had to carry a heavy box upstairs and when he set it down he just said:

"Jesus I think I just gave birth to my colon"

I laughed about that for ages.


Another time one of my dad's friends came over and my dad was playing Silent Hill:

Dad's friend: "Oh Silent Hill. That's like Resident Evil without the zombies isn't it?"

My dad, without taking his eyes from the TV screen, just smacked him at the back of the head. When asked why by his friend just said (still not taking his eyes from the TV): "Ignorance makes me want to hit things."

 

[IllumInaTIma]

I've been talking with my Russian friend on Skype and at the same time news on my native Kazakh language were playing on a background. He said "your language sure is threating. it sounds like someone is about to get executed on air"

 

[greyscarf]

My husband was doing a snooty impression of the Olympic event announcers (who speak in French first & then English). I decided to be a little smarty-pants & said, "Y'know, French is the language of diplomacy."

He said, "Yeah, it's also the language of French people."