PurpleRain reviews the Gravity Hammer

[nick_knack]

It's always nice to see someone reveiw Halo 3 without the usual:

Elitism:The entire Halo series has been a spectacle of mediorcrity, fit only for fanboy dullards!

FanboismUNT DIS T3H H@l0 SERIS! IT R T3H B3ST! j00 shud all bbuy it!!!!!111111
or,
Halo series, Rabid dislike of:G@Yl0 SUXX!! COD4 IS MUCH B3TTAR!!!11
Even though the Escapist demonstrates it to me, time and time again, it's always nice to know that there is hope on the internet.

And, I love the Gravity Hammer. It just feels so.... satisfying.

 

[Eldritch Warlord]

I kind of thought the story was pretty obvious. Then again, I'm the only person I've ever met that understood The Matrix after one viewing (all three).

And the most significant difference between me and almost everyone I know is that I actually pay attention. But you were half-drunk so I don't blame you.

But a Halo over Earth? Really now, where did you get that impression?

Oh yeah, universal translator. Ever heard of them? It's a device which can automatically translate languages (essentiall a technological version of a Babel Fish). You know, that's how you can understand the aliens (but the Flood actually knows your language, it learned English from human hosts).

But I don't mean to be mean, a pretty good review considering it's length (by which I mean, longer would be better).

EDIT: I get that you mostly aimed to be funny, and you were. So, umm, good job.

 

[Senor Smoke21]

this was brilliant, it made made me lol hard
normally i cant stand anything purple rain says but this was pure genius
agree with the whole halo is for fans of the series.
the only fun i had with halo 3 was playin coop on legendary, and that was because we were both pretty terrible at the game
=]

 

[PurpleRain]

I kind of thought the story was pretty obvious. Then again, I'm the only person I've ever met that understood The Matrix after one viewing (all three).

Really? That's kinda cool. The last two didn't impress me to much to make me actually scratch my head, but I had to wastch the first Matrix a few times to understand it.

And the most significant difference between me and almost everyone I know is that I actually pay attention. But you were half-drunk so I don't blame you.

*cough* I wasn't to overly drunk, but I guess I should have played it through paying more attention.

But a Halo over Earth? Really now, where did you get that impression?

Well I remember all the ships flying towards that portal, which my friend explain it as 'shrinking a galaxy to the size of however big it was'. He's read all the books so I believed him. It's not like they mentioned hyperdrive in Halo so I assumed the Halo couldn't have been too far from Earth.

Oh yeah, universal translator. Ever heard of them? It's a device which can automatically translate languages (essentiall a technological version of a Babel Fish). You know, that's how you can understand the aliens (but the Flood actually knows your language, it learned English from human hosts).

I would understand the flood. But the rest? I guess that makes sense as well. It's not really as if we can speak their language without a third tounge or something, and visa versa.

normally i cant stand anything purple rain says but this was pure genius

Thanks... I think?

 

[Medic Heavy]

I loved the first halo and liked the second the third was worth playing but nothing more to me. I really enjoyed your review like i enjoyed the first halo.

the prophets are evil villains, and what would villains be like without their bwaa ha ha you fools cannot stop me speech?

They must have stumbled onto the James Bond DVD Boxset while they were invading.

A little off topic but after i read this i couldn't stop laughing

 

[needsmosleep]

I think you missed out on the fun of halo, but nice review.

 

[The Iron Ninja]

I think you missed out on the fun of halo, but nice review.

note: only this part is directed at needsmosleep
It seemed like he had fun to me.

Note: do not take offence to this part needmosleep, it is not refering to anything you said
I honestly thought this was a fair and unbiased review Purple Rain. Not over the top with pointing out any faults, but not ignoring all of them to rant about how great it was either. I guess there will always be some people (note: not you needsmosleep) who will not be happy until you either hail it as the new god or grind it into little bitsy peices (though the former is apparently more vocal)

 

[PurpleRain]

I honestly thought this was a fair and unbiased review Purple Rain. Not over the top with pointing out any faults, but not ignoring all of them to rant about how great it was either. I guess there will always be some people who will not be happy until you either hail it as the new god or grind it into little bitsy peices (though the former is apparently more vocal)

I don't think any game (aside from Half Life(kidding)) can be claimed as any god. Every game has some fault with it. Bioshock felt a little linear and the reviving stations were annoying. Half Life isn't the best shooter, but it's still good and has a kick arse story. Fallout can get boring. What I'm saying is, fanboys need to lighten up and see the faults in things. Same with the other side. No game that has sold this well can be truely crap. Sure if it was Superman64 go nuts.

I think you missed out on the fun of halo, but nice review.

I had fun. Most of the time it was with a large hammer shaped object in my hands. It's an ok shooter, but I thought they were going to do more with it.

 

[Lord Krunk]

I think you missed out on the fun of halo, but nice review.

I had fun. Most of the time it was with a large hammer shaped object in my hands. It's an ok shooter, but I thought they were going to do more with it.

That's incredibly true.

I agree, the game's fun, bright and pretty. However, there's not enough of that 'fun, bright and pretty' within a game that took me as long as Portal to finish.

 

[Eldritch Warlord]

I think you missed out on the fun of halo, but nice review.

I had fun. Most of the time it was with a large hammer shaped object in my hands. It's an ok shooter, but I thought they were going to do more with it.

I think he meant driving, it really is Halo's best feature.

And I see your friend just explained it wrong, if you care I'm going to. There's a dimmension called "Slipspace" parallel to our own but compressed (for lack of a better term). When a ship passes through the portal it enters Slipspace, travels a relatively short distance, then re-enters normal space at the other end of the portal. The other end of the portal was described as "2 to the 18th lightyears from Galactic Center," (near the end of the desert level) or 262,144 lightyears.

Of course, that's not how ships normally do it for interstellar travel as a portal requires that large, dramatic mechanism.

 

[PurpleRain]

And I see your friend just explained it wrong, if you care I'm going to. There's a dimmension called "Slipspace" parallel to our own but compressed (for lack of a better term). When a ship passes through the portal it enters Slipspace, travels a relatively short distance, then re-enters normal space at the other end of the portal. The other end of the portal was described as "2 to the 18th lightyears from Galactic Center," (near the end of the desert level) or 262,144 lightyears.

Of course, that's not how ships normally do it for interstellar travel as a portal requires that large, dramatic mechanism.

Oh, ok. Thanks for that.

 

[Anton P. Nym]

I have a question for those of you who know more about Halo than me: How the hell do Elites eat? They have that HUGE ASS GAP in their lower mouth region.

That, my friend, is a mystery we may never solve... yeh, you'd best ask Anton; he knows a lot more than I do when it comes to Halo lore.

Summonned, I rise...

There's no canonical answer; the best speculation I can find and/or put together is that Elites' mouthparts are for holding prey, instead of chewing, and prey animals are roughly rodent-sized and swallowed whole. That, however, is based only upon looking at the in-game models and from one line from one of the novels... plenty of room to be mistaken, there.

As for grav-hammer funness, yep it's a very satisfying weapon to use, albeit tricky in many cases. And if it weren't for the grav-hammer, we wouldn't have Grifball.

-- Steve

 

[PurpleRain]

STOP!

Hammer Time!

That's exactly what I was yelling out whenever I found one.

Me: "What's the time?"
Friend: "Ah?"
Me: "Hammer time!"

Then I'd go into song as I gleefully swung that piece of metal into my doomed enemies.

 

[Joshuayeah]

i never understood the massive hype behind halo.
yeah its cool you kill aliens AND zombies. but in the new ones the flood werent human's they were spine shooting beasts and mouldy bears. that sucked.
i agree with the whole epic advert, it looked amazing on the advert. then they leave us with confined space.
the savior of halo 3 was the grav hammer, but also the ELEPHANT. it's the greatest vehicle in the world! it's like thunderbirds meets halo.
i'm tired now.

 

[Geo Da Sponge]

It hardly trolling to point out inaccuracies. I didn't pose a question and didn't want a responce. Why is it that as soon as someone has a contradictory opinion eveyone starts shouting "TROLL!". If I'm wrong then tell me how? And to you Ninja, I think you'll find that I did use exclamation points.

You are trolling. Stop that.

I'd have to agree with the 'troll' as everyone else puts it. I mean, how can you ask where the flood came from if you'd played the last two games? The flood killed the Forerunners. The halos were set up to destroy the flood; it is unclear as to whether or not they were originally activated, but whatever happend, some flood survived. Are you still with me?

As for there being a halo over Earth, what the heck are you on about? Misinformed or not, you must of had an inkling that something was amiss with that idea when 343 Guilty Spark says you are (however many) lightyears from Earth. Oh yes, that and the fact you can look up at the beginning of the level and see our galaxy in the sky.

I hardly see how you can be suprised that you didn't understand the plot of the game by burning through it in a single alcohol fueled evening.

 

[PurpleRain]

I'd have to agree with the 'troll' as everyone else puts it. I mean, how can you ask where the flood came from if you'd played the last two games? The flood killed the Forerunners. The halos were set up to destroy the flood; it is unclear as to whether or not they were originally activated, but whatever happend, some flood survived. Are you still with me?

As for there being a halo over Earth, what the heck are you on about? Misinformed or not, you must of had an inkling that something was amiss with that idea when 343 Guilty Spark says you are (however many) lightyears from Earth. Oh yes, that and the fact you can look up at the beginning of the level and see our galaxy in the sky.

I hardly see how you can be suprised that you didn't understand the plot of the game by burning through it in a single alcohol fueled evening.

If you read the review, and the rest of the posts, I did make mention to how you have to listen really really intently on the entire dialogue so you can't miss a line. 343 saying it's x number of light years from earth, etc is just one of those things. I was confused by the plot and thus wrote it so.

Plus the flood thing, I would like to know. I mean you go into a giant hive with something constantly stopping the gameplay to talk yto you. He could have at least gave something away. Same with Cortana, why'd they feel it nessissry to slow down the game and give you all those messeges sent by her. Gah, 'twas annoying.

As for the alcohol fueled evening, my friend (huge Halo fan) still managed to fuck the storyline up judging from the pointers given by many of the helpful Escapist goers.

Normal person: Ah, that's not right, here's why...
Troll: You're wrong! (Full stop)

 

[Kronos 9000]

You shouldn't compare a awesome 10/10 game like Halo 3 to a game like CoD 4 which i only give a 7/10 (The singleplayer saves it, multiplayer is crap, i don't want no fan boy to have a rant)

But its a great review, bravo. However, Halo 3 isn't meant to be massive battles and all that, not yet anyways, wait until Halo Wars. Persides there are some pretty big battles but i think they could be doubled at least in size. YOu must remember FPS in a game, the worser the the worser the game. So you have to be careful in some respects.

Great stuff.

 

[Geo Da Sponge]

If you read the review, and the rest of the posts, I did make mention to how you have to listen really really intently on the entire dialogue so you can't miss a line. 343 saying it's x number of light years from earth, etc is just one of those things. I was confused by the plot and thus wrote it so.

Plus the flood thing, I would like to know. I mean you go into a giant hive with something constantly stopping the gameplay to talk yto you. He could have at least gave something away. Same with Cortana, why'd they feel it nessissry to slow down the game and give you all those messeges sent by her. Gah, 'twas annoying.

As for the alcohol fueled evening, my friend (huge Halo fan) still managed to fuck the storyline up judging from the pointers given by many of the helpful Escapist goers.

Normal person: Ah, that's not right, here's why...
Troll: You're wrong! (Full stop)

I have read the review, and I have read the other posts, and I have a rebuttal ready.

First of all, is making you listen to the dialogue really that evil? I mean, if you don't understand something because you weren't listening hard enough then yeah, it can be annoying, but you can hardly blame the game for it. Secondly, the whole flood thing. While I cannot remember precisely when it was I found out about the flood, it seems pretty self explanatory if you've played all three games. They are the flood. They eat your brains and control your nervous system. They killed the forerunners, and they now they want to kill you.

Also the Cortana thing. Excuse me if she got "all up in your grill", but how would you prefer she communicated? Through a series of convenient memoes? By leaving a message on your answer phone? Possibly an FYI email; "Just so you know Master Chief, I have gone completely snooker loopy". They might have given you a couple of extra seconds worth of corridor to walk down instead, and nobody would complain about that. It doesn't waste any more time, but some people really care about this exposition. They like to fish around for hints as to inner meanings and the history of Halo. Please don't take it away from them.

And no, I don't really hate you for creating a Halo review that doesn't consider Halo a gleaming diamond. However, I would like to remind everyone that arguing is now the only purpose of any Halo reviews since anyone who had any interest has already bought the game and formed an opinion. But as for 'the troll' (me or the other guy, whatever) he didn't conduct his whole argument in a single line of leet speak, so you (everyone) shouldn't dismiss him out of hand.

 

[The Iron Ninja]

God I hated Cortana. Why would you make an AI look like a woman? It makes no sense.
Orson Welles, now that is someone I would like to have as a helpful AI companion. I wouldn't even care if he slowed me down whenever he talked, even if it was in an annoying wax covered termite mount with sphincter doors (seriously, what were with those?)