Rejection... how do you deal with it?

[zelda2fanboy]

So, I'm 25, never had a girlfriend, and have just recently found a way to try out the dating thing. Dated one girl, went incredibly well, tried to get a second date, and got told she was too busy. A week passes, I obsess on it, but eventually I find something I know she really wants to do. We see a band, have a good time, and act like we're going to meet up again. I try the next week and she's "too busy." And the next. And the next. This woman has neither a job nor a car. The entire time I obsess on it constantly, ask everybody for advice, and eventually become fairly depressed. I keep all this to myself, mind you, because you never know, maybe she wants to hang out again. She never does and wishes me a facebook happy birthday about a month later. I message her saying thanks and how's it going. I eventually get a polite and vague response, and then I respond back..... and nothing.

Yesterday, I met another girl online. We meet at a bookstore for about 45 minutes and have a chat and a nice time. Later that night, it occurs to me to ask her online to see a movie. She agrees and we set up a time and everything. Next day, she cancels and provides very good and practical reasons why she would rather not go. I'm satisfied with this and appreciate that she gave a nice explanation when she really didn't have to. So, I'm sitting on the couch playing video games, like I do everyday. I need a little help in this one section so I check online. I had messaged her earlier and hadn't gotten a follow up response, so I was checking that as well. And very slowly it dawns on me. I turn off the game, go to my room, lock the door, and sob for nearly an hour. Over a girl I met ONCE.

Sooo. Is this the usual emotional response? Am I crazy? Is there any way to be less sensitive about these things? I really would like to be.

 

[Slippers]

Sooo. Is this the usual emotional response? Am I crazy? Is there any way to be less sensitive about these things?

No. Not yet. Yes, get heartbroken a few more time.

While you are more sensitive to the subject than most, the only difference between you and every other lad is that we got jaded about a decade earlier.

 

[zelda2fanboy]

No. Not yet. Yes, get heartbroken a few more time.

While you are more sensitive to the subject than most, the only difference between you and every other lad is that we got jaded about a decade earlier.

Thanks. I really needed a neutral outsider's perspective right now. I don't know if I can take this again. The first girl hurt over a long period of time, but it wasn't so bad. This one was sudden and intense. I can't imagine what a third might feel like. Maybe it's back to the shell I crawled out of. Oh well.

 

[Slippers]

There will be a third time, just as there will be a fourth one and so on. It just stops being earth shattering.

Rejection is simply a part of love, that's all there is too it.

 

[Doclector]

After enough rejection, I just gave up completely on it. Now, every time I think of asking a girl out, I insult myself for how stupid that thought is, and then move on. Aside from the times that I have to remind myself of the reasons that it'd never go well (which doesn't actually happen all that often) I ain't ever been happier.

Don't worry though, it's highly improbable that you are as undesirable as I am.

 

[MassiveGeek]

Grow thicker skin. That's the only way to get less sensitive to it.

I've learned to accept almost everything. It doesn't mean I leave it be as it is or don't react to it, but I've come to realise that things are a certain way and unless I put an effort in to change it, it's still going to stay that way most likely. When you do this, everything becomes less of a huge deal. Works for me anyway.

I've not really been rejected straight up, usually I've been able to test the waters before getting the actual rejection, but whatever. The only way to properly deal with these things is to let them pass without ignoring the pain but also without obsessing over it. If you get all attached to that one thing then you're going to end up a wreck.

 

[zelda2fanboy]

It seems like you are overreacting more then a little bit. You locked yourself in your room and cried for an hour over a girl you met once? I know its a little rude by my first though when I read that was stop being such a pussy and learn to man up. I mean jesus christ you only met her once, shit happens you need to learn how to get over it. I cant believe I am saying this shit either, I am supposed to be the emotional one here.

No, you're right. I don't know what's wrong with me. And it turns out I probably wasn't even "rejected" anyways. Maybe I was overly tired or something, but the "you'll never amount to anything" voice was yelling at me from inside my head. I'm just very glad I kept it to myself for the most part.

 

[Vault101]

So, I'm 25, never had a girlfriend, and have just recently found a way to try out the dating thing. Dated one girl, went incredibly well, tried to get a second date, and got told she was too busy. A week passes, I obsess on it, but eventually I find something I know she really wants to do. We see a band, have a good time, and act like we're going to meet up again. I try the next week and she's "too busy." And the next. And the next. This woman has neither a job nor a car. The entire time I obsess on it constantly, ask everybody for advice, and eventually become fairly depressed. I keep all this to myself, mind you, because you never know, maybe she wants to hang out again. She never does and wishes me a facebook happy birthday about a month later. I message her saying thanks and how's it going. I eventually get a polite and vague response, and then I respond back..... and nothing.

Yesterday, I met another girl online. We meet at a bookstore for about 45 minutes and have a chat and a nice time. Later that night, it occurs to me to ask her online to see a movie. She agrees and we set up a time and everything. Next day, she cancels and provides very good and practical reasons why she would rather not go. I'm satisfied with this and appreciate that she gave a nice explanation when she really didn't have to. So, I'm sitting on the couch playing video games, like I do everyday. I need a little help in this one section so I check online. I had messaged her earlier and hadn't gotten a follow up response, so I was checking that as well. And very slowly it dawns on me. I turn off the game, go to my room, lock the door, and sob for nearly an hour. Over a girl I met ONCE.

Sooo. Is this the usual emotional response? Am I crazy? Is there any way to be less sensitive about these things? I really would like to be.

(feel free to disregard anything I say)

the first girl seems to be dicking you around...if she cant come out and say "not intersted" then obviouslu shes not worth it

the second girl..I dont know, if you dont hear from her for a while I supose its not worth it eather

it sounds like you need to be less sensitiv about it..understand what makes you awsome and if they dont want any of it...then nevermind, their loss (but dont get overly bitter about things thats a turn off)

Wait - there's other stages in romance apart from rejection?

Seriously, though, you'll get used to it after a while. While the assessment given above by Slippers that rejection is a part of love is incorrect, a revision of that statement which would state that rejection is a part of romance is correct. Fairy-tale endings happen very rarely in the Real World. For some of us, rejection is the natural state, and I don't know yet whether any woman will accept me at all. Thus is the life of an ultra-nerd who installs archaic operating systems for fun. Oh well. It's their loss.

and dont listen to the crazy reverse troll

(PS: Hi RAK....hows it going?)

 

[A Weary Exile]

It seems like you are overreacting more then a little bit. You locked yourself in your room and cried for an hour over a girl you met once? I know its a little rude by my first though when I read that was stop being such a pussy and learn to man up. I mean jesus christ you only met her once, shit happens you need to learn how to get over it. I cant believe I am saying this shit either, I am supposed to be the emotional one here.

So he's a little oversensitive, that's no reason to act like a dick. And did you ever think that maybe it wasn't this *one* girl that got him so emotional, but that her behavior is indicative of a pattern that he thinks he's stuck in? I think that believing you are doomed to loneliness is something worth crying over, not that I think this is actually the case with the OP.

OP: Haven't been in that situation often (Don't date really. Or socialize.) but when I have I usually just isolate myself and continually turn the situation over in my mind. That's like *the definition* of unhealthy, though. Not recommended.

 

[isometry]

It's good to be sensitive like that, to the extent that it's bearable; the alternative is to become jaded. As you gain more experience you'll be better able to judge her interest level in you, but when your instincts tell you it's an exciting potential relationship, trusting that and letting yourself have strong emotions is a good thing (as long as you play it cool externally, which it sounds like you did today).

 

[manic_depressive13]

Don't worry. One day you'll meet a girl who really likes you. Then you'll discover that you don't really like her back and you can be the one to break her heart, which always makes one feel better about themselves.

 

[runnernda]

I'm cripplingly terrified of rejection, and as a result, I'm pretty sure I've missed out of things that could have been great. I've learned that it's the risk you take. And when it works out, it's great. When it doesn't, it sucks. But you just get up, dust yourself off and move on. Good luck going forward

 

[Blue Hero]

I reject rejection. Something doesn't go my way with something or someone? I reject the rejection and substitute happiness.

 

[Right Hook]

Thanks. I really needed a neutral outsider's perspective right now. I don't know if I can take this again. The first girl hurt over a long period of time, but it wasn't so bad. This one was sudden and intense. I can't imagine what a third might feel like. Maybe it's back to the shell I crawled out of. Oh well.

Don't give up man, in the long run it'll hurt more if you give up. When people look back on past choices they almost never regret something they did but always regret the thing they didn't do, it's hard to screw up so bad that you'll continue to look back on it but it is easy to look back and wonder how things could have been better if you took more shots. You may not have heard this yet from others regarding your situation but I'm proud of you, yeah seriously, as another dude who actually has emotions I know it can be hard to try something like this and a lot of guys don't, they are never happy with that choice. You were brave enough to actually go for it, don't stop now, never stop.

 

[Crazed_Puppeteer]

From what I can understand based off the nice summary you gave us is that yes, this is a normal reaction. I can't give you much advice (since I'm in a similar boat), but I'll give you the best advice that I have.

Don't "obsess" over anyone.

Not unless you've found a girl you like, have taken her on multiple dates, go steady for some time, and realize that after x amount of time you've come to realize that you've grown obsessed about your girlfriend. By then, she's possibly obsessed about you too.

The awful truth is that except for your parents (or whomever has known you since day 1), no one is going to be "obsessed" over you, and those that ARE "obsessed" over you that see you from the moment that they've met you are either family or people that you should avoid.

So, how do you not obsess over someone from the beginning?

I'd say it's a factor of two things. First is time, and last I checked, my time machine is being lent out to some doctor, so not much that I can do to help you out there. The other factor involves knowing what you really want. So, try this experiment. Pick out a couple attributes that you want in a future girlfriend/wife (w/o physical beauty unless you need a girlfriend/wife that is beautiful). Now think of all of your female friends that have these attributes. Chances are they are quite similar. Does this mean that you should date a friend? No, no, no, no, no!* However, it shows that there are a lot of potential candidates out there (I refuse to use the analogy 'fish in the sea'), and that not only does it not make sense to obsess over anyone, but it shows that the right one is going to show up eventually if you don't have the same girls taunting you over and over again in your mind. Hope this helps.

*http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6478387/the-six-girls-youll-date-in-college (2:20)

 

[alandavidson]

Snip

Rejection happens, that's just a part of life.

I don't know you, so what I'm about to say may be way off base, so take it as a total outsider's perception of events.

You might need to examine your behavior on these dates.

One girl being "Too busy" for a second date isn't anything to be worried about. But two in a row starts to look like a pattern. You said yourself that you're obsessing about the girl and the date, and it's very possible that obsession carries over into your physicality while on the date.

Don't take this as an attack against you, take this as an opportunity to do some genuine self-analysis and inner reflection. We, as people, should always be looking for ways to better ourselves.

 

[mrm5561]

umm well beer is always a good way to get over rejection. also just call the girls, other wise you kinda come off either weird or scared. i know i hate talking on the phone for more than five minutes but sometimes you just gotta do it to show the girl your interested