Ruin-A-Wish Foundation.

[Rabbitboy]

Granted, I wish for a slow and painful death.

 

[Twintix]

Granted. Now everyone on the planet is dead. You never specified who was going to die...

I wish I had a job.

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, it involves never leaving this chap's basement... on top of a lack of health/dental insurance if anything goes "wrong" on the job...

I wish to summon my Persona!

 

[Sapphirewave]

Granted, too bad you're in the world of Innocent Sin and a squad of anti-Persona Nazis in power armor is closing in.

I wish for some Subway.

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, you can't eat it fresh... nor will it actually be healthy for you in the long run...

I wish to open your mind!

 

[Sapphirewave]

Granted, wait, does this count?

Spoiler: My mind is open!

I wish I had a closed mind.

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, your ignorance will never be bliss again...

I wish I knew where the wild things are!

 

[Barbas]

Wish granted. They're in your bathroom cupboard, and they're armed.

I wish I had a Kevlar suit.

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, it's a bit tight, so say good night to your genitals...

I wish I was a child of Eden!

 

[tilmoph]

Granted, but you've been kicked out of your home and now get to enjoy sickness and death, but with memories of paradise always haunting you

I wish I was immune to negative magic

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, positive magic becomes your new Kryptonite... (Have fun!)

I wish I could do stand-up!

 

[Barbas]

Granted. You are not Carlos Mencia. Enjoy.

I wish I could command any animal.

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, you can't control me! *shoots you dead*

I wish I was a angel for Charlie!

 

[Barbas]

Granted. You're, uh...yeah, you've gone and died.

I wish I had a thousand pounds.

 

[Redlin5_v1legacy]

Granted but it all is delivered straight to your head from the sky at terminal velocity.

I wish I could take back this semester.

 

[Barbas]

Granted. We'll have to take that time off the end of your life. Whoops, missed a couple of zeroes...um, nevermind.

I wish for a travelling companion inside my head.

 

[Bizzaro Stormy]

Granted. Which ear infesting parasite would you prefer?

I wish to take the grand tour of Europe!

 

[Barbas]

Granted. Interpol will arrive shortly.

I wish for a lifetime of free train travel.

 

[TheVampwizimp_v1legacy]

Granted, free rides on the neverending hype train forever, where people throw ducks at balloons and nothing is as it seems...

I wish for this game to end.

 

[Barbas]

Granted. We have to release the gas now. Everyone please remain seated.

I wish for another round of tea.