Sexual Relationships

[Sad Robot]

It is customary for a relationship to end or be called into question when one person starts fucking other people. It is not, however, necessary for a relationship to be under threat when that happens.

Exactly. And I don't think it ought to be customary, rather just an option like any other.

 

[Rolling Thunder]

It is customary for a relationship to end or be called into question when one person starts fucking other people. It is not, however, necessary for a relationship to be under threat when that happens.

Exactly. And I don't think it ought to be customary, rather just an option like any other.

I take it you don't realise exactly how crushing it is for someone you care about to fuck someone else. It really isn't a pleasant sensation, at all.

 

[DP155ToneZone]

This is going to sound weird, but my interest remains only with those interested in me. I've been with my girl for 2 and a half years and we've kept the fascination with each other going for that time. Earlier someone said that for them, sex is like being one with their partner, I can really agree with that.

You can rave on and on about how sex is merely a biological mechanism, but I think there are some individuals who can look past that (Not trying to be elitest nor esoteric with that remark). For me, sex is an EXPRESSION of love. Like holding hands, or looking into the eyes of the person you love, or any of that cheesy crap that makes you feel good in your chest. Every time I make love to my girl, I feel more secure in our relationship and my love for her, and I just know she feels the same way.

I take issue with all the assuming that guys are so obsessed with sex that we MUST desire other females. I really disagree. I havent wanted another woman to make any sexual advances on me since finding my girl.

In the words of Manfred from Ice Age "If you find a mate in life, you should be loyal. In your case grateful."

 

[Seanchaidh]

It is customary for a relationship to end or be called into question when one person starts fucking other people. It is not, however, necessary for a relationship to be under threat when that happens.

Exactly. And I don't think it ought to be customary, rather just an option like any other.

I take it you don't realise exactly how crushing it is for someone you care about to fuck someone else. It really isn't a pleasant sensation, at all.

For you. I, actually, know exactly how it feels, and while I wouldn't say it's "pleasant" it isn't something that bothers me all that much.

Actually, I think we can translate this into a natural experiment that has already been performed many times over: adulterous love affairs very obviously do not often carry with them the expectation of sexual exclusivity on the part of the wife or husband who is 'cheating.' In the vast majority of cases, the cheater is expected by their lover to acquiesce to sex with their wife or husband. In such cases, I posit that the lover is much less likely to be offended at or jealous of the wife/husband having sex with their spouse because they expect it to occur, or at least do not expect it to not occur. Assuming that is all true, it seems pretty clear to me that the bad feelings generated by one you care for fucking someone else are mostly a product of the expectation that it won't occur and nothing inherent to the act itself. Of course, the act itself can be done spitefully or maliciously, and that certainly clouds the issue a bit, but even then the spiteful or malicious character of the action is mostly a product of the expectation that it won't occur.

 

[Rolling Thunder]

It is customary for a relationship to end or be called into question when one person starts fucking other people. It is not, however, necessary for a relationship to be under threat when that happens.

Exactly. And I don't think it ought to be customary, rather just an option like any other.

I take it you don't realise exactly how crushing it is for someone you care about to fuck someone else. It really isn't a pleasant sensation, at all.

For you. I, actually, know exactly how it feels, and while I wouldn't say it's "pleasant" it isn't something that bothers me all that much.

Actually, I think we can translate this into a natural experiment that has already been performed many times over: adulterous love affairs very obviously do not often carry with them the expectation of sexual exclusivity on the part of the wife or husband who is 'cheating.' In the vast majority of cases, the cheater is expected by their lover to acquiesce to sex with their wife or husband. In such cases, I posit that the lover is much less likely to be offended at or jealous of the wife/husband having sex with their spouse because they expect it to occur, or at least do not expect it to not occur. Assuming that is all true, it seems pretty clear to me that the bad feelings generated by one you care for fucking someone else are mostly a product of the expectation that it won't occur and nothing inherent to the act itself. Of course, the act itself can be done spitefully or maliciously, and that certainly clouds the issue a bit, but even then the spiteful or malicious character of the action is mostly a product of the expectation that it won't occur.

A valid point, but your experiment is invalidated because the same set of circumstances do not apply to the spouse as they do to the lover. Put simply, the lover will most likely not be as emotionally invested in the cheating partner, as the spouse will be - adultery, on the whole, does not carry the same emotional investment - partly, because as ou pointed out, it does not carry the same expectations, however, this, itself, is the reason that there is not so great an emotional connection.

Put simply, I believe that you are right, but not exploring the whole issue. Adulterous relationships do not carry the same commitment* or importance as long-term, monogamous relationships. Sex and emotions are, in themselves, inherently linked in human biochemistry, and while we may be able to seperate them on a rational level, it is near impossible to do so emotionally.

*Warning: Generalisation

 

[funguy2121]

OP, that sounds like an excuse. I got into a pretty heated debate on here over why people, well, fuck. Someone made an evolutionary psyche claim, which was disproved when real science and verifiable sources were used: Man (and Woman) has the power to quell urges for ethical or moral reasons.

Really though, do what you want. If you're honest about it, you should be able to pull off whatever kind of relationship you want, so long as you find the right chick.

You should check out The Ethical Slut (I don't recall the author). It's about polyamory.

 

[CosmicCommander]

Although I have an extremely liberal attitude towards the sexual relations of people, I am one of the most personally conservative persons you will probably meet, so I shall quote a friend of mine to the OP.

I personally utterly, and completely disagree with what you are saying, and find it rather repulsive -- but I will fight to the death to allow you to practice it and speak of it.

 

[Otterpoet]

First, there is no such thing as an ?open? relationship. Jealousy is inbred into the human psyche no matter WHAT people say.

Second, there are too many things out there that penicillin won?t cure.

So, unless you don?t mind having your grunty-bits either chopped off or fall off, monogamy is the way to go.

 

[DYin01]

I know two people who are in succesful open relationships, one of which is even engaged to her partner. It's very possible to make this work. However, I've been in an open relationship myself and it just wasn't for me. I'm a 'one woman' kind of guy, and my sexlife at the time was more than spicy enough. In three years I can't remember glancing at another woman even once, eventhough I undoubtly did.

My current girlfriend is pretty much exactly my type, both physically and in personality. She has a few things about her I don't like, but no one can and should be perfect. I don't think I'll be wanting sex with someone else any time soon.

@First post: You seem to be making a strange generalisation. ''yes there are ways to 'spice things up', but most times you'll either be with a prude or find it too offensive or strange to ask''
I think you just have a hard time finding the right girl, because I've had three long term relationships now (my current one being the third) and I never had any problems with spicing things up. Most of the time, it wasn't even on my own initiative.

 

[Sad Robot]

Although I have an extremely liberal attitude towards the sexual relations of people, I am one of the most personally conservative persons you will probably meet, so I shall quote a friend of mine to the OP.

I personally utterly, and completely disagree with what you are saying, and find it rather repulsive -- but I will fight to the death to allow you to practice it and speak of it.

Indeed. To quote a rather famous linguist and political dissident: "If we don't believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we don't believe in it at all."

 

[Kurokami]

Its only betrayal if its done behind their backs really, that's what most people are discussing.

...

Thanks for the info captain obvious.

You're welcome, I'm still waiting for you to read and understand what I'm saying, so what name shall I call you? I'd quite like it to start with admiral.

I was explaining that what most of us are discussing is the possibility and aspects of a relationship which is sexually open, in that case its not betrayal.

Snip, Snip, Snip the massive post"

Scientists say:

The troll is strong in this one.

I sense much troll in him

No, you are a troll. You are randomly accusing me of trolling without reason or explanation.

That sums up half of your responses by the way. As well as repitition of the word liberal.

 

[Numb1lp]

How about if it's a hooker? Hmm I just have to ponder that now.

 

[Kurokami]

I think you just have a hard time finding the right girl, because I've had three long term relationships now (my current one being the third) and I never had any problems with spicing things up. Most of the time, it wasn't even on my own initiative.

Mmm, you're correct as are many here, I guess I did make a huge generelization and for that I'm sorry. I still haven't found anyone who captivates me enough or would have reason to agree to such a relationship though, so I can only assume they are either quite rare in my region or are for some reason transparant to me.

 

[Seanchaidh]

It is customary for a relationship to end or be called into question when one person starts fucking other people. It is not, however, necessary for a relationship to be under threat when that happens.

Exactly. And I don't think it ought to be customary, rather just an option like any other.

I take it you don't realise exactly how crushing it is for someone you care about to fuck someone else. It really isn't a pleasant sensation, at all.

For you. I, actually, know exactly how it feels, and while I wouldn't say it's "pleasant" it isn't something that bothers me all that much.

Actually, I think we can translate this into a natural experiment that has already been performed many times over: adulterous love affairs very obviously do not often carry with them the expectation of sexual exclusivity on the part of the wife or husband who is 'cheating.' In the vast majority of cases, the cheater is expected by their lover to acquiesce to sex with their wife or husband. In such cases, I posit that the lover is much less likely to be offended at or jealous of the wife/husband having sex with their spouse because they expect it to occur, or at least do not expect it to not occur. Assuming that is all true, it seems pretty clear to me that the bad feelings generated by one you care for fucking someone else are mostly a product of the expectation that it won't occur and nothing inherent to the act itself. Of course, the act itself can be done spitefully or maliciously, and that certainly clouds the issue a bit, but even then the spiteful or malicious character of the action is mostly a product of the expectation that it won't occur.

A valid point, but your experiment is invalidated because the same set of circumstances do not apply to the spouse as they do to the lover. Put simply, the lover will most likely not be as emotionally invested in the cheating partner, as the spouse will be - adultery, on the whole, does not carry the same emotional investment - partly, because as ou pointed out, it does not carry the same expectations, however, this, itself, is the reason that there is not so great an emotional connection.

Put simply, I believe that you are right, but not exploring the whole issue. Adulterous relationships do not carry the same commitment* or importance as long-term, monogamous relationships. Sex and emotions are, in themselves, inherently linked in human biochemistry, and while we may be able to seperate them on a rational level, it is near impossible to do so emotionally.

*Warning: Generalisation

You bring up some good points, and there are indeed complicating factors. But I still must contend that emotionality and expectations even in very deep relationships could be quite various. This question cuts right to the quick of just how the brain processes events; we're not dealing with direct input from nerves, but the interpretation of sights or sounds and language. It seems to me that the further we get from raw data into interpretation of events, the more our brains can be flexible to feel any number of things and be, so to speak, programmed to respond in certain ways rather than hardwired. In that way, emotions that arise from the impact of cultural expectations can feel as natural and as necessary to follow the event as the pain from getting stuck with a sharp needle.

I don't think the brain is set with a bunch of stock reactions that it matches to what it can identify as certain patterns of behavior. Rather, I think the brain is very heavily influenced by its surroundings and upbringing and expectations and reactions for relationships or other things can be changed most obviously by culture, but really anything that can produce or change a belief. The intensity and the variety of different emotions people can feel over, for instance, one's offspring denouncing her religion suggests to me that all such strong emotions are a reflection of the acquired beliefs of the subject more than any natural tendency. And beliefs can be very, very different from person to person. But they are often quite homogeneous within populations that share similar ideologies and are probably heavily reinforced by informational conditioning: people learn what other people expect out of relationships and, essentially, copy those expectations for their own.

 

[riskroWe]

Humbug, sex is just cooperative masturbation. It's two bags of water moving backwards and forwards for a bit. No emotional or legal attachments are required.

Emotional attachments are useful when you're living with the person, and legal attachments are useful when you're raising children with the person, but there's no reason to inflate the significance of exchanging bodily fluids.

 

[Seanchaidh]

Assuming that is all true, it seems pretty clear to me that the bad feelings generated by one you care for fucking someone else are mostly a product of the expectation that it won't occur and nothing inherent to the act itself.

Gee, you think?

Yes, I do. The upshot is that expectations are the sorts of things that a person can change for themselves. A person can redefine for themselves what it means for a person to put the relationship under threat, what 'betrayal' or 'cheating' means, and decide that there is no necessary connection between the health of a relationship and its expectation of sexual exclusivity.

Also, it's much better to be obvious than impenetrable when it comes to expression.