So I've Never Had Physical Contact Before...?

[Lionsfan]

Well I feel academically inferior, for starters. By that I mean I'm not getting as many As as I require to keep my sanity. Also I got rejected from the original college I applied to and had to settle with a lesser, but still good, institution instead.

And being alone with my dad for eight years (literally), I get the feeling that no-one in the world wants to associate with either of us for some mysterious reason. He's a people person but has had to get by on selling things over the internet to keep food on the table so that he could work while not having to answer to a boss. And I've been The Shy Kid from the start. You put those two together and it means basically zero contacts in eight years of living in Atlanta.

I feel like my dad is Tom Hanks and I am a goddamned volleyball.

What do you do for fun? Like I mean do you go out with friends to bars? Or go to concerts? I've been known as the Shy Kid too, so I know how that feels. The most important thing is to try and go out of your comfort zone, I mean not every girl you talk to has to be someone you like, but just by talking to more girls as friends and meeting new people would probably help.

Another option is work, if you have a part-time job or something maybe ask your coworkers if they want to hang out sometime

 

[Jaythulhu]

As someone who's been through the (rusty spiked) wringer that is divorce, let me say you're better off without relationships. I can't think of anyone I know who's been in a relationship for more than 2 years and doesn't fantasise about running off daily.

If you really want physical contact that badly, go to a brothel. Not sure what part of NZ you're from, but there are a quite a few good ones on the north island.

 

[tzimize]

I am in my second year of commuting to college and I still am just as much of a virgin as the day I was born. I have always had next to no self-confidence at all, meaning few if any friends. All throughout high school I would think "this is the year I'll have my first kiss with a girl" or "my first relationship" or whatever. I don't understand how everyone else around has such an easy time finding partners. I feel like I've skipped the whole teenager phase of my life and just became a dead-behind-the-eyes old man with regards to this whole love thing.

I tried to ask a girl out in my sophomore year of high school. She said yes, but then nothing came out of it because she kept making excuses to delay the date. We hardly even knew each other. Ever since then I have stopped trying. But I want to ask a girl out again some day.

I'm just sick of this cycle of self-pity and loneliness and depression. I want to experience what relationships are like. Right now I feel so disconnected from the rest of humanity that I actually feel happy when I see or hear about other people breaking up from their relationships. I for one don't see myself as being distraught over a break-up, if I ever get to have one.

How-to list because I feel for you.

0: Decide what you want from the relationship.
1: Get friends.
2: Get single female friends.
3: Spend time with said friends, preferably doing an activity you all like.
4: Identify a female (or whatever) that has the same interests as you, and preferably that can make you laugh, and vice versa. Laughter is the key to any good relationship (imo).
5: Talk with said female on as many occasions as you can about stuff you are interested in, and stuff SHE is interested in.
6: If you dont have common interests, go back to #2 and start over.
7: If you do have common interests, ask her to spend more time with you. Maybe even just you and her. Doing some of this stuff.
8: Be honest with her about what you want from your relationship, more or less. This at least has worked for me. If you want a long lasting relationship, tell her. Be patient, but honest.
9: Ask her if she finds you interesting in that way, if yes: Go for it. If no; disband and return to #2.

 

[Dastardly]

I am in my second year of commuting to college and I still am just as much of a virgin as the day I was born. I have always had next to no self-confidence at all, meaning few if any friends. All throughout high school I would think "this is the year I'll have my first kiss with a girl" or "my first relationship" or whatever. I don't understand how everyone else around has such an easy time finding partners. I feel like I've skipped the whole teenager phase of my life and just became a dead-behind-the-eyes old man with regards to this whole love thing.

I tried to ask a girl out in my sophomore year of high school. She said yes, but then nothing came out of it because she kept making excuses to delay the date. We hardly even knew each other. Ever since then I have stopped trying. But I want to ask a girl out again some day.

I'm just sick of this cycle of self-pity and loneliness and depression. I want to experience what relationships are like. Right now I feel so disconnected from the rest of humanity that I actually feel happy when I see or hear about other people breaking up from their relationships. I for one don't see myself as being distraught over a break-up, if I ever get to have one.

The best answer? Jump on out there, have a (bad) relationship. It's like chickenpox -- the longer you wait to go through the bad stuff, the harder it is on you.

Understand: Your first relationship will not be successful. No one gets it right the first time. Likely, you'll go through quite a few, firmly believing each to be "the one." Don't.

It's cool to believe the relationship is worthwhile, even if it doesn't become a "forever" thing. You're learning, they're learning, it's good experience for the both of you... but "good" doesn't always mean "pleasant." There'll be hurt feelings, mixed messages, turmoil and tears, and it's all a normal part of the process.

The reason a lot of folks go so long without getting into a relationship is that we're brought up on the idea that there's a "right" way to do it, and if you know that way, you can nail it on the first try. So people don't try things until they're absolutely sure they've got it pegged... which never happens. For the same reason, when things go wrong, we think it's because we failed to follow that golden path, and not just because sometimes things fall apart.

We are humans. Each of us is a bag of about nine kablillion variables. Putting two people together squares that. Experience isn't the only teacher, but it's certainly the best. So go experience stuff, and don't shoot for "success." Shoot for learning. You'll be fine.

 

[Phoenixlight]

Your title doesn't make much sense, are you asking us if you had physical contact before? how the hell would we know? I'm 99.99% sure that you have though, it's incredibly likely that you've accidentally bumped into someone or shaken another human hand before. And I'm sure you will have hugged someone in your immediate family before.

Edit: also don't listen to the guy with the cat avatar, brothels are immoral.

 

[Tsukuyomi]

I am in my second year of commuting to college and I still am just as much of a virgin as the day I was born.

Most virgins are.

More seriously, though, I can sympathise. Virgins aren't real people, or at least according to endless pop culture blather about sexuality...be thankful you're not female, then you can't get shamed for being a slut once you aren't shamed for being a virgin any more.

AFAIK, having sex doesn't make you a better person. It doesn't solve all your problems, nor give you superpowers.

Suppose you have sex in the next five minutes (well, starting at least, might take longer than that). Once you are finished, you are back to being a not-currently-having-sex person, only stickier. What's the big deal?

I know that you've been told you're supposed to be miserable till you've stuck your dick in something, but honestly (and no pun intended), fuck that.

This. ENTIRELY this on the sex part. The media and friends who may very well have had a drunken first time where everything seemed awesome will tell you life is just omgwtfmagical with sex. Frankly....it doesn't much change except that you have to in addition worry about getting tested on a regular basis, buying condoms (which aren't always cheap when you're on a budget but it's a damn sight smarter than trying to um...control yourself and not use one.), all that stuff.

It's also....not always glorious and satisfying. That's just the bottom line to it. It can be weird, awkward, unfulfilling especially on the first try, and depending on who you are and how you are it may end on a sour note anyway. (some guys get spent and then all we wanna do is roll over and sleep. Which is sometimes the direct opposite of some women, who feel energized and want to talk or go and do something. Kind of a bad thing when those two clash.)

Anyway, as has been said: Relax. Posting here really doesn't do you alot of good. You either find people to commiserate with or people who will yell at you for the fact that they have to see yet ANOTHER one of these new and exciting threads around here at the Escapist. So yeah. If you're looking to find some kind of internet angel who will descend from her digital tower and bestow love and kindness and thrice lay you, long odds on that.

Confidence helps, but I think by and large you have to STOP LOOKING SO HARD. Stop worrying about it. Learn to like yourself, otherwise who else is going to like you? You're in school. Worry about that first. If some nice pretty thing (note that they don't have to be young/your age per se.) happens along, go ahead and say hi. It IS possible to be friends with girls. Hell, it's not even that difficult. They're not all dating material, nor should they be. Having female friends gives you a chance to learn to talk to them. To feel comfortable around them. To learn to stop seeing them as some alien species that you have to approach like it's one of those wilderness shows where the host hides in a thicket and whispers to the camera about these AMAZING foreign creatures.

Bottom line is....it's easier than you think. You're just not comfortable with yourself just yet and you're making a bigger deal out of it than it needs to be.

 

[Gweneth Knaff]

Speaking as a pansexual woman, (and someone who has both been asked out and asked women out) may I offer this observation? You sound like a pretty depressed guy, and there's more than a little desperation in your voice. That's a morally neutral thing; all of us get depressed and desperate. But it also means that most women are going to pick on the desperate vibe, and be really spooked by it. They're going to send "back off!" signals, which may be a part of what makes it hard for you to speak up. Forget about a partner right now. You need to be a whole person before you can be a good partner.

I've been in a place much like yours. As an incest survivor I've had to evaluate the way I see and form relationships. Ultimately what helped me the most were time, therapy, and devolping healthy friendships.

Get yourself a hobby. Chess, French Club, knitting, charity work, community garden, whatever. Just something that gets you around other people, and gives you something to do if you're too nervous to really strike up conversations. Don't go looking for dates. Just friendship. Find yourself first. Then you can work on being a good potential partner.

 

[Jessta]

Party-->Alcohol--->Drunk Girls = How everyone else does it

God that always feels like such and awkward situation if thats not how you normally are... just going to a party with a bunch of drunk people is kinda of eh...

 

[Greni]

Edit: also don't listen to the guy with the cat avatar, brothels are immoral.

brothels are immoral.

Thefuck? Seriously the fuck!? The fuckidy fuck fuck of fucks?!

 

[trooper6]

Party-->Alcohol--->Drunk Girls = How everyone else does it

This is a recipe for date-rape. I don't recommend it.

Rather, OP, I recommend talking to a therapist. You seem to have some things going on besides being a virgin (self-esteeem, social anxiety, etc) that would probably be aided by talking to a professional. Many colleges have a Student Psychological Services that provides counseling. I definitely recommend it.

 

[Tsukuyomi]

Party-->Alcohol--->Drunk Girls = How everyone else does it

God that always feels like such and awkward situation if thats not how you normally are... just going to a party with a bunch of drunk people is kinda of eh...

Indeed. Unless it's with friends and you're the token guy with the camcorder. Then it gives you the right to flit around and noone cares because they're all screaming and acting goofy for the camera.....then like a month later when your friends have all forgotten they even WENT to that party you sit down with them and watch the video with them dancing in their underwear to Lady Gaga. Fun times to be had with the looks on their faces and explanations and denials.

 

[Jaythulhu]

Edit: also don't listen to the guy with the cat avatar, brothels are immoral.

In your personal opinion, that is.

In reality they're no different to kmart. Supply and demand. People demand sex, other people supply it for an agreeable payment, all done in a clean, safe environment where there's no chance of pregnancy or stds, and you don't even have to clean up or make awkward conversation over a quick breakfast the next day.

You think there's something more moral and wholesome about, say, going to a pub, meeting a girl, buying them drinks all night then taking them home for sex? Aside from having to clean up your own place, the risk of pregnancy and disease, and that you have no idea how much you're going to be spending on drinks, how is this any different?

 

[Gweneth Knaff]

Yeah, that's really not cool. That's pretty fucking rapey. Don't do it, OP.

 

[BiscuitTrouser]

Or is it something you can spontaneously generate within yourself with the snap of a finger?

Yes. Yes it is. Honestly just start thinking youre awesome. Whos awesome? Youre awesome.


Learn. Learn well. Take everything a little less seriously, live for fun, and remember you didnt get forced headfirst through a vagina to lie around shivering, you did that to stand up and have some goddam fun! So generate some awesome. Its easy when you know how.


Also mandetory watching. Be like this video. Dont ask how just do.

Relationships are over rated fella. The most miserable people I know are married. You need to start looking at the glass as half full rather than half empty. You have the freedom most people in relationships would kill for. You answer to nobody but yourself. Christ man, I know married men that would stab themselves repeatedly in an arm or leg to to be able to leave the house with friends for one night. Sure being a tad lonely might suck from time to time but being saddled down with some life sucking shrew of a girlfriend will suck every single minute of the day. And hell if you really want some "companionship" there is always backpage.com . . . ya know for the personals section certainly not for the "escorts and massage" section

Or you could be a twisted empty husk like this guy but learn to enjoy it. Love is the most fullfilling things in the world, and sure its fleeting and sometimes men hate what it can do but to enjoy something so wonderfull is to have something the person here has obviously never experienced. I urge you to ignore his advice, i mean love doesnt have to be for you, but dont dispise it before you try it, or become jaded because it hurts you. Strong people know a few failures doesnt mean its impossible, weak people dont. That said if you work out you dont prefer it kudos. Just give it a go.

 

[rje5]

Relationships are over rated fella. The most miserable people I know are married. You need to start looking at the glass as half full rather than half empty. You have the freedom most people in relationships would kill for. You answer to nobody but yourself. Christ man, I know married men that would stab themselves repeatedly in an arm or leg to to be able to leave the house with friends for one night. Sure being a tad lonely might suck from time to time but being saddled down with some life sucking shrew of a girlfriend will suck every single minute of the day. And hell if you really want some "companionship" there is always backpage.com . . . ya know for the personals section certainly not for the "escorts and massage" section

Definitely not this. I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for over 8 years, and we're getting married this year. We've been living together for a year. Being in a relationship isn't a curse, or an anti-fun agreement. She still goes out with her friends, I still go out with mine. Just because you're friends settled for needy controlling bitches is their fault.

Back to the original question. It's all about confidence. In the end, relationships are about people and their personality, not about looks. My girlfriend has put on 30 pounds since we met, and I've put on more than that. We're happier now than ever. I met her in high school in class, so I never really had to go out and pick up chicks. The only thing I can say is go to University functions, dorm activities, stuff like that. Remember people are there for the same reason you are, so you'll have something in common already.

You can't get upset about failure, and I don't even like using that word. It's more like incompatibility. And trust me, you'd rather know now, than years down the road when you're tied down with someone who won't let you be with friends like described above.

 

[surg3n]

What your not seeing though is everyone else's failures. Most people don't find it easy, everyone hates rejection, and fear of rejection is one of the biggest hurdles we face. Most people have to ask out several people before finding someone compatible, it's just that most people prefer not to talk about their crash and burns.

I would suggest finding something sociable to do, try and make friends with some girls, and I'm sure it'll happen before very long. Taking yourself outside of your usual routine would probably help - go out to eat, stop by a coffee shop or bar instead of heading straight home after college. If your in a place where nobody knows you, then there's no reason to be your usual socially awkward self, go into these situations with a positive attitude, you have nothing to loose and everything to gain. It should be easy to meet people at college but you have to put yourself out there - there's probably hundreds of people at your college who would appreciate your friendship, and that would eventually lead to finding someone.

 

[Guardian of Nekops]

Oou, a good point! Let me steals it and then add something of my own.

You sound like a pretty depressed guy, and there's more than a little desperation in your voice. That's a morally neutral thing; all of us get depressed and desperate. But it also means that most women are going to pick on the desperate vibe, and be really spooked by it. They're going to send "back off!" signals, which may be a part of what makes it hard for you to speak up. Forget about a partner right now. You need to be a whole person before you can be a good partner.

This is very true. You need to be in a solid place yourself before you go looking for a relationship, and here's why.

Relationships don't make your life better.

That's right, you heard me. Just having someone to call a girlfriend doesn't fix anything. Women can make you miserable as well as happy. They can make you do very stupid things... make you give up opportunities, for instance, that leave you bitter for years at a time. It all makes sense to you at the time, through White Knight logic, but if she's not the right girl eventually she'll walk away... and you'll be seeing all your sacrifices in a harsher light.

Getting a girlfriend can dull the pain, sure, but if you do it for that reason then it can be like taking morphine for a broken leg... you'll do damage to yourself without realizing.

Masturbation, meanwhile, also eases pain. As does, I'm told, responsible, safe, casual sex. You have to be the right sort of person to handle that, though... start getting emotionally attached to someone who only came home with you for a roll in the hay, and you'll be in for a world of hurt. Again, so I'm told. Not my thing.

As for confidence, there must be something you're good at. Look to the thing you really enjoy doing, the thing that other people don't seem to value. For me, it's creative writing. I love to write, I know that my chances of making a cent from it are very slim, but I'm good at it, darn it! When I write, I am appealing, clever, and dare I say a bit masterful at times... believe it or not, there are some people who actually go for that, and there are people who will admire your passion for your thing, too. You have to take pleasure in it first, though, and indulge in it a bit despite how useless or possibly nerdy it feels. Nobody else is gonna get excited about it until you do.

And yet again, because I cannot emphasize this enough and because I am actually serious, masturbation. The connection you feel to another person when the moment is right is amazing, don't get me wrong... but otherwise you might just be surprised at how little you're missing.

Chin up, and all that.

 

[MasterOfWorlds]

snip

I actually had a similar issue. I asked a few girls out in middle/highschool, we went out, but not a whole lot ever came of it.

That being said, I have a gf and we've been together for almost two years now. We met when I had actually given up on dating or the prospect of dating because I just really lost interest. When I met her though, we instantly hit it off and I asked her out a few weeks later.

Just because it hasn't happened doesn't mean it won't, and just because it might not in the future doesn't mean it never will. Also, don't allow your relationship or lack thereof be a defining part of your life. You can be happy without a romantic relationship.

 

[Goremocker]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I just wrote a heart-felt three paragraph explanation, and my browser crashed... Jesus Christ... Anyways, I'll try to sum this up again...

I'm in the same boat as you. Hell, never even had one friend in person, my whole life, and until recently, I couldn't seem to shake how depressing it was that I was such a poor excuse for a person, and others found it so simple to live life.

It all comes from self-piety... Believe me, you're forcing it on yourself. You're so worried about how different you are from everyone else, that you set yourself up for disappointment. I may be some random schmuck out of the other random schmucks that replied, but at least I can say I know the feeling. And from what I've learned from the people I've talked to about this, it's not as hard as it seems. Sure it's pretty daunting, changing your way of living by stepping out of your comfort zone, but everyone has to do it; and if you know at least one person, that will make the transition easier, they can help you. Just go out, talk to people, and interact. Take things slow, and just do things you wouldn't have before, or else it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy of depression and loathing.

Everyone starts at some point, most start their social lives early, people like you and I weren't so lucky. And while its difficult to start late, if you don't, you never will.

And by the way... Don't put so much emphasis on a relationship. You need to start small. you can't build a house without a sound foundation.

 

[Magnus]

I entirely sympathise with you there, it's doubly hard what with me having Aspergers syndrome.