So I've Never Had Physical Contact Before...?

[Jaythulhu]

Love is the most fullfilling things in the world

Spoken like someone who's never had a good meal and has read far too many hallmark cards. Either that or your other half has dragged you off to every Sandra Bullock, Horseface and that-blonde-chick-from-the-horny-angsty-hospital-show movie made in the last 5 years.

Love's as fulfilling as an enema. It's a chemical reaction that has some odd effects on your mind and body, and if you can keep hold of that for longer than a few years you're either doing very well, or you're incredibly unhealthy in the mind.

If you can find someone whom you're compatible enough with to spend the rest of your life with, without the constant desire to kill them or feeling like something is going to explode inside your head, good for you. You won't be in love with them after a few years, the best you'll feel is contentment. Not such a bad thing in itself, but you can be content in life by yourself quite easily.

Off-topic slightly: Before anyone starts flinging the "B" word at me, no, I'm not bitter, nastiness of my divorce aside. I'm open to the possibility of falling in love again (while it lasts) and having a relationship that I find fulfilling, but I'm perfectly content to live by myself for the rest of my life. I enjoy my own company and don't have need of someone else to "complete me". I'm not so naive, however, as to believe the nonsense about love being "eternal" and "the best thing in the world" and all that rot.

 

[zelda2fanboy]

Oou, a good point! Let me steals it and then add something of my own.

You sound like a pretty depressed guy, and there's more than a little desperation in your voice. That's a morally neutral thing; all of us get depressed and desperate. But it also means that most women are going to pick on the desperate vibe, and be really spooked by it. They're going to send "back off!" signals, which may be a part of what makes it hard for you to speak up. Forget about a partner right now. You need to be a whole person before you can be a good partner.

This is very true. You need to be in a solid place yourself before you go looking for a relationship, and here's why.

Relationships don't make your life better.

Getting a girlfriend can dull the pain, sure, but if you do it for that reason then it can be like taking morphine for a broken leg... you'll do damage to yourself without realizing.

And yet again, because I cannot emphasize this enough and because I am actually serious, masturbation. The connection you feel to another person when the moment is right is amazing, don't get me wrong... but otherwise you might just be surprised at how little you're missing.

Chin up, and all that.

I respectfully disagree. These sound like the words of people who have gotten laid, stopped getting laid, and then preceded to or are expecting to get laid again. You can't just tell someone to chin up, especially someone in pain. The truth in your message is this "Your life sucks and will continue to suck, so how you feel about it sucking is up to you." But saying people are inherently attracted to people who have their shit together isn't necessarily true, as evidenced by the amount of depressed d-bags with girlfriends/boyfriends.

I'm speaking from experience after having made out with a girl the first time after 24 years of absolute celibacy. It is NOT like masturbation. Later that night of the first time I made out with a girl (not even sex) I attempted to masturbate to the memory of it to get some release. I couldn't maintain an erection by myself because masturbating is NOTHING like physical contact with another person. Also, I met my first girl through a dating site (using only the power of my looks and writing) and while I felt pretty good about myself at the time, she contacted ME. She was interested in me. If I had made the first move and messaged her, chances are she would never been interested, no matter how positive and upbeat I made myself sound. Likewise, I'll never ever get another date with her unless she wants to, no matter how many times I ask, or how cute I make myself seem, or how not a big deal I pretend it to be.

In more ways than we'd like to believe, our relationships are determined by the other person. You two might be the "other person" but guys like me and the OP are not the other person. Someone could enter into our lives and make it a million million times better, but we can't make them want to, no matter what we do. It doesn't matter how much we want it, how we act, what we say, or how we feel. It's up to them. You can't make someone like you.

 

[kazeryu]

self-confidence doesn't come out of thin air you'll have to work for it but it comes gradually. complishing achievements helps for me. I'd realy recommend a martial arts because there you can make easy realy good friends, and your promotion tests are realy encouraging.

btw sorry for my grammar and spelling I'm dyslexic (or however you write it)

 

[floobie]

I can relate to this. I'm arguably in a similar situation, but I've given it a lot of thought, and I realized I just want something different, and I can't expect to go to a random club or bar to find it.

I have no interest in sleeping around or "having fun" with dating. I don't have a crap load of friends, but the ones I do have, I'm very close with. That's something I want to apply to a romantic relationship with a woman as well. I'm fairly certain that will scare a lot of girls off. If I'm going to get involved with a girl, I intend to take it very seriously and basically want her to become the most important person in the world to me (and I to her). I don't believe in superficial relationships. But, realistically, that's all most people are interested in. Watching people easily discarding their supposed "best friend" when someone more entertaining comes along. Watching people constantly confuse physical attraction and entertainment with love... I can't and won't enter a relationship like that.

So, the reason I'm 24 and still a virgin is very much because I want a lot more out of a relationship than most people do. I can either say fuck it and have a one night stand with some random girl at a club (I'm decent looking, in good shape and all that... I doubt this would be difficult to accomplish)... or I can wait for what I really want. I'm not a horny teenager anymore. I have higher priorities.

Your circumstances may be different. My point: You need to do some real self-examination. There's probably a reason you haven't been in a relationship before, and it is your doing. Looks don't mean much at all. I've seen some total bomb-shells with some properly ugly guys. There's likely something about the prospect of a relationship, as you understand it, that makes part of you go "eeeeeeeh...". Figure out what that is.

 

[Antwerp Caveman]

Souns contradictory, but: best thing you can do is give up and focus on something else.
That will make you feel more relaxed and casual and seem more confident. And that's a giant leap forward.

 

[Optiluiz]

It doesn't really matter. Sure we're social creatures, but the more you obsess over this the more likely it is that you'll end up in a bad relationship with a girl that treats you like s***. So, just relax. Make friends. The best romantic relationships spawn from friendship. Either way, live out your life like it's no big deal.

 

[freaper]

I am in my second year of commuting to college and I still am just as much of a virgin as the day I was born.

Most virgins are.

More seriously, though, I can sympathise. Virgins aren't real people, or at least according to endless pop culture blather about sexuality...be thankful you're not female, then you can't get shamed for being a slut once you aren't shamed for being a virgin any more.

AFAIK, having sex doesn't make you a better person. It doesn't solve all your problems, nor give you superpowers.

Suppose you have sex in the next five minutes (well, starting at least, might take longer than that). Once you are finished, you are back to being a not-currently-having-sex person, only stickier. What's the big deal?

I know that you've been told you're supposed to be miserable till you've stuck your dick in something, but honestly (and no pun intended), fuck that.

What this person said. Only I'm not entirely sure whether I agree out of denial or pure 100% respect.

OP, do the things that define YOU. If you like rock for example, don't pretend to like hip-hop. If you've never been to a museum, don't explain to her how good a Rembrandt looks. Doing things that go against your nature will make you feel bad and make people "like" you for the wrong reasons.

 

[archvile93]

Well I can't understand why you'd want want that kind of attachment to anybody, but if you really do the only advice I can think of is man up and put yourself out there. Yes you'll fail multiple times before you succeed, if ever, yes it will be painful, but if you don't make opertunities you'll never succeed, ever.

 

[maddawg IAJI]

Moved into the advice forum.

 

[Yopaz]

My best advice. Never take advice from the internet.

If you are to not follow that advice, relax about these things. I know how you feel... or at least I kinda do. I have given up actively trying to get relationships for a few reasons that work for me... shut up they do! However you are missing out on a lot if you are to stop trying. Without trying I apparently managed to get a girl to like me somewhat (though I didn't know that myself until later) and well I wasn't doing anything I don't do any girl I hang out with. Be yourself unless you're insecure. If you are just be confident, that works wonders. Try asking someone out if you feel up for it. Just remember to relax and don't ever give off an impression of being clingy or needy. It's not a turn on.

 

[Seanfall]

I'm basically in the same boat, Have had what you would call: online relationships. And trust me when i say not to do that....as I've only met physcos and stalkers. I'm sorry that I don't have any real advice expect for what NOT to do. Well their is this....don't try and become jaded about it. If you want to date someone just ask them out. Tell a girl how you feel and see what happens.

 

[jawakiller]

Will punch you in face if need physical contact... O.O


Haha, that sucks man. Maybe you should start going to parties. Plenty of drunk fun there. If not, well...

 

[Ris]

3) I see very little *reason* to be self-confident. Everybody I've mentioned this problem to says "get more self-confidence". But my question is "How?" or "From where?". Is it something you gain by being awesome at playing the guitar or some shit like that?

Basically self-confidence boils down to this:

1. Find a strength/skill.
2. Acknowledge to yourself that you have that strength/skill.
3. Show that strength/skill where others can see and appreciate it.
4. Repeat until you realise that you're a worthwhile individual.



I know you were being sarcastic, but playing the guitar is as good an example as any: If you're awesome at guitar, find a band to play in. Listen to lots of music. Go to some live concerts. Basically do things that will put you in the path of women who are also interested in guitars. When you go to strike up a conversation with one of those women, you'll be doing it in the confidence that you're good at this. You know what you're talking about and your input is interesting. She WILL appreciate that.

Plus it might help you to see that there is more to your life than your lack of a girlfriend. Rather than obsessing over your failures in love you need to focus on your successes in other things. The more you learn to recognise when you're kicking ass at something, the more confident you'll become.

 

[Jandau]

I'm just sick of this cycle of self-pity and loneliness and depression. I want to experience what relationships are like. Right now I feel so disconnected from the rest of humanity that I actually feel happy when I see or hear about other people breaking up from their relationships. I for one don't see myself as being distraught over a break-up, if I ever get to have one.

You need to suck less. Ok, I'm sorry, that came out too harsh. But as long as you're stuck in that cycle of loneliness, self-pity and depression, you are killing your own chances. You don't drop them to zero, but you sure do lower them far bellow what they might be. People can sense your general mood and if you radiate a miasma of negative emotions, it will discourage people, especially girls. Work on making yourself a better person, a happier person. Make yourself a better prospective mate, so to speak.

Now, I'm not saying you have to become the life of every party or anything, but try to drop the negative outlook at least somewhat. Activate yourself in life a bit more. Go work out, maybe take up a sport of some kind. This will have multiple beneficial effects on both your appearance and your attitude. If you are constantly broke (which isn't an attractive trait) consider getting a part time job on the side. Try to get out with your friends more and when you do don't fuss about not getting girls. Just try to have a good time. Try to be a person that girls will look at and say "Damn, he's not half bad!".

 

[Andreson]

That's quite a good lecture on philosophy. By the way what's the best answer to "We're friends right?"

Obviously you'd say sure... of course we are... Knowing that you could be a whole lot more then just friends.

 

[goodman528]

I am in my second year of commuting to college...... Right now I feel so disconnected from the rest of humanity......

Enjoy your freedom. Seriously, I've been where you are now, I was in exactly the same position as you in my second year in college. I think what you should appreciate is the things you do have now, that you don't even realize you have:

You can sleep any time you want, eat anything anytime you want, go and do anything you want without having to text people every 5 mins, and you should definitely go out and do new things. I know you are not v confident, but just think, "No one in this place knows who I am anyway, so to hell with it, if this i what I wanna do, I do it." Yes, do go to a brothel if you want to. Really, everything around you is beautiful, trees, grass, buildings, etc, just sit alone and enjoy the view. Because trust me, your freedom will NOT last forever, and in a few years time, you will look back on this as the best part of your life.

One last piece of advice, work hard at your studies, and get to the top of your class. You will not regret it. And yes, you can do it, because you don't drink, don't smoke, don't have parties with friends, and don't have a girl, etc, so you have 10 times the amount of time available to everyone else. They have their lives, you have yours, and in a few years time, you will discover that being the quiet and honest guy with a good job, and who can be relied on to get things done... ... If there's a market for men, you would be pure gold.

 

[DoomyMcDoom]

I greatly appreciated all the help, folks.

A couple of other things to be mentioned...

1) I already have a workout routine. I stay very physically contained and I generally keep my cardio up far higher than average. I'm not an athlete; I hate sports. I just workout to keep fit in spite of that.

2) I just find it hard to decide on what to say when I spy an attractive lady nearby.

3) I see very little *reason* to be self-confident. Everybody I've mentioned this problem to says "get more self-confidence". But my question is "How?" or "From where?". Is it something you gain by being awesome at playing the guitar or some shit like that? Or is it something you can spontaneously generate within yourself with the snap of a finger?

How about you tell us why you DON'T have self confidence? We can go from there.

Well I feel academically inferior, for starters. By that I mean I'm not getting as many As as I require to keep my sanity. Also I got rejected from the original college I applied to and had to settle with a lesser, but still good, institution instead.

And being alone with my dad for eight years (literally), I get the feeling that no-one in the world wants to associate with either of us for some mysterious reason. He's a people person but has had to get by on selling things over the internet to keep food on the table so that he could work while not having to answer to a boss. And I've been The Shy Kid from the start. You put those two together and it means basically zero contacts in eight years of living in Atlanta.

I feel like my dad is Tom Hanks and I am a goddamned volleyball.

Dude, lemme just tell you one thing about me that MAY just give you a boost, I'ma highschool droppout, who works at a gas station PART TIME, I've got a bit of a gut, I have a fucked up spine, and my legal middle name is a damn girls name due to the assholes in the government makin a damn typo, I was raised by a single mother who was so shy I never had any friends before i went to school, and since I was the poor kid and different there, I never made any real friends there either, in fact I was suicidal at age 11, BUT even though my life pushed me to the point where i was constantly depressed and actually removed myself from the world for 6 years, stayed locked in my damn room, only left it to eat, when I balls'd up and finally gave it a good shot, it wasn't half bad, and shortly thereafter I was trial and erroring my way through life like a pro, I mean I was a virgin til 24 but the thing is, once I looked back on what I know of behavioural patterns and what I've observed and put some effort into changing my presentation and body language, and some basic behavioural things, I have been dating and meeting and getting digits from so many women it's insane, making up for lost time y'know...

even with ALL my life working against me, I still get women, so you don't gotta worry, you got into a college, you have an academic future, you won't work a convenience store till you die, and you probably don't have any physically damning birth defects... so DO NOT look down on yourself, I KNOW I'M AWESOME, and you should know the same thing about yourself!

 

[marlushia]

0: Decide what you want from the relationship.
1: Get friends.
2: Get single female friends.
3: Spend time with said friends, preferably doing an activity you all like.
4: Identify a female (or whatever) that has the same interests as you, and preferably that can make you laugh, and vice versa. Laughter is the key to any good relationship (imo).
5: Talk with said female on as many occasions as you can about stuff you are interested in, and stuff SHE is interested in.
6: If you dont have common interests, go back to #2 and start over.
7: If you do have common interests, ask her to spend more time with you. Maybe even just you and her. Doing some of this stuff.
8: Be honest with her about what you want from your relationship, more or less. This at least has worked for me. If you want a long lasting relationship, tell her. Be patient, but honest.
9: Ask her if she finds you interesting in that way, if yes: Go for it. If no; disband and return to #2.

^ That. Seems like good advice to me. But Step 1 is problematic, even for me. I'd recommend what a few others have said by thinking of something you enjoy (not necessarily the best at) and join a club for it. You like fitness right? Maybe join a fitness club or join something like that. Conversations should then come out naturally without the need for awkward ice breakers. And, assuming they stick with the club, you'll get many chances to initiate interaction with them without fear of "needing to take charge and do it now."

 

[BlackWidower]

Join the club man. I'm well on my way to being in that Steve Corell movie.

I'm probably the worst person to ask advice from, but I have a theory as to why I'm still single, and I think it's worth comparing notes.

I don't get out enough, and the times I do get out, I'm too scared to approach a woman for fear of having her chew me out for bothering her, or get my ass beat by her boyfriend who I didn't know existed.

I'm too clueless to notice when I'm being hit on. Once a waitress was hitting on me, but it wasn't until I left the restaurant that I realized what happened.

In the past I've asked girls out but it never lasted more than one or two dates. Here's a tip, never go see a movie. Terrible choice, you're looking at the screen the whole time, not your date. Perhaps if it's a prelude to dinner you might have a better shot.

But not that fixing any of this would help. Even if I had a date, I wouldn't be able to afford it because I'm poor.

 

[BiscuitTrouser]

Love is the most fullfilling things in the world

Spoken like someone who's never had a good meal and has read far too many hallmark cards. Either that or your other half has dragged you off to every Sandra Bullock, Horseface and that-blonde-chick-from-the-horny-angsty-hospital-show movie made in the last 5 years.

Love's as fulfilling as an enema. It's a chemical reaction that has some odd effects on your mind and body, and if you can keep hold of that for longer than a few years you're either doing very well, or you're incredibly unhealthy in the mind.

If you can find someone whom you're compatible enough with to spend the rest of your life with, without the constant desire to kill them or feeling like something is going to explode inside your head, good for you. You won't be in love with them after a few years, the best you'll feel is contentment. Not such a bad thing in itself, but you can be content in life by yourself quite easily.

Off-topic slightly: Before anyone starts flinging the "B" word at me, no, I'm not bitter, nastiness of my divorce aside. I'm open to the possibility of falling in love again (while it lasts) and having a relationship that I find fulfilling, but I'm perfectly content to live by myself for the rest of my life. I enjoy my own company and don't have need of someone else to "complete me". I'm not so naive, however, as to believe the nonsense about love being "eternal" and "the best thing in the world" and all that rot.

"You won't be in love with them after a few years"

Thats just not something you can tell people. Might be true a lot, might be true for you, doesnt mean you can just dictate a persons feelings to them.

Hell i love meals as well, but the kinda person i am is someone who enjoys companionship. Also nice way to tell me what i will and wont feel. Its awesome your personal views can dictate to others what they do and dont feel. Remember kids just because you cant doesnt mean others cant. To try and say "i cant therefor the world cant" is pure fallacy. I dont think all love is eternal. But hell love is pretty damn great, if youre doing it right its freaking amazing, im not all for that cliche romance shizzle but id rather have a lovers embrace than a warm meal any day. Far more satisfying. Anyway i cant jugde you for liking what i dont like.

This conversation is actually a good example OP. Some people love companionship, some people dont, its worth exploring if youre that kinda person and if youre not be happy with yourself. If you are try and share it with others. Its the kinda thing that doesnt really matter either way. Im a companionship kinda person, this guy isnt, and hell he seems happy enough. Dont knock it till you tried it, love can be amazing, and dont get put off.

It IS ok to decide you are a happier person by yourself

It is kinda silly to make this assumption either without trying or dating people who are purposefully terrible for you.

Explore your own happyness, and do what feels best. Best advice i can give.