So I've Never Had Physical Contact Before...?

[Digitaldreamer7]

Go to a gentleman's club, those girls might just help you be a bit more comfortable in your skin.

 

[longboardfan]

As a thirty year old virgin, I want to let you know that it doesn't get any less painful as you get older. I recommend drugs and/or MMO's like WoW or the new Star Wars MMO to drown out your feelings. It'll help make the next ten years or so slightly less painful.

 

[Kuroneko97]

My idea of romance has been corrupted by the form of entertainment and animation know as Anime.

I'm currently getting myself over a friend I liked. He figured out I liked him (which probably fucked my chances with a twenty-foot pole), so I told him that since he doesn't feel the same way, I won't pursue him anymore.

I'm as inexperienced as you, except I'm 14. The best advice I can think of is to do something to cheer yourself up or get your mind off of it. Me? I'm eating and drinking sugar, and in a bit I'll start drawing after finishing some homework while listening to music.

If doing enjoyable or distracting things doesn't help, there's always your right hand. They'll always be there for you.

Always.

 

[Cowabungaa]

Your first relationship will not be successful.

Hah, my brother begs to differ.

Still, you're right on the money with the rest, but I think you miss something too; the OP first has to love himself, and only then is he ready to love someone else as well.

3) I see very little *reason* to be self-confident. Everybody I've mentioned this problem to says "get more self-confidence". But my question is "How?" or "From where?". Is it something you gain by being awesome at playing the guitar or some shit like that? Or is it something you can spontaneously generate within yourself with the snap of a finger?

Really? For starters, you can be pretty damn proud of this:

1) I already have a workout routine. I stay very physically contained and I generally keep my cardio up far higher than average. I'm not an athlete; I hate sports. I just workout to keep fit in spite of that

Shows a certain spirit, a level determination and adulthood not every college-age person has, and something you can be pretty damn proud of.

 

[Fwee]

Just remember that when you do get to experience it, it's going to be so worth the wait.

 

[LHZA]

Don't sweat it. You should work on yourself before you enter a relationship, and make sure you're happy with who you are. When you're ready it will happen, and don't expect a relationship to magically make you feel better about yourself. It may for a short while but eventually you're low self esteem and other problems will resurface. Not that relationships aren't great, or can be. Also don't mind rejection so much. Everyone gets rejected, you are nothing special in that regard. If one girl says no to you, just immediately rebound and ask another girl out. Eventually one will say yes.

 

[DiMono]

Walk up to any random girl and say hello. Share a brief conversation, and then say goodbye and walk away. No expectations, you're just walking up to someone and saying hi. It doesn't even matter whether they like or dislike you, because in less than a minute you'll never see them again.

Do this as many times as possible until you're comfortable with the process. Then, start holding slightly longer conversations; long enough to actually find things out about them. Don't ask for phone numbers, don't try to arrange another meeting, you're still only setting out to get comfortable talking to women.

The point of this process is nothing more than proving to yourself that talking to girls isn't scary. You gain confidence by doing, so go out and do! And who knows, maybe one of those random girls you're talking to will end up asking for your phone number as you're getting ready to leave. Don't expect this, but if it happens, make sure to add "and what's yours?" after you give it to her.

The only reason talking to girls is frightening is that we build it up. Once you're used to doing it, it's no big deal.

 

[DiMono]

How to get comfortable talking to girls

Once you're comfortable talking with them, you'll eventually end up in a relationship with one of them. When that happens, don't focus on physical contact. I know the thought will be in your mind, because it's something you've always wanted, but ignore it and focus on getting to know her, and on building connections with her. The physical stuff will come naturally as the relationship grows, but if you try to force it early you'll push her away.

Assuming you don't meet "the one" your first time out, with each relationship you will learn more about yourself and what you're comfortable with doing / able to do physically. It's almost guaranteed you'll kiss your first girlfriend, and as you gain experience in relationships, you'll learn how to get to various points faster without alienating your partner. But that's something that comes with time, and if you're in your second year of college, that's something you still have plenty of.


(Sorry for breaking it up into two posts, but I felt the contents were distinct enough to warrant it in order to avoid confusion)

 

[Giftfromme]

Start online, but don't end it there. Just try talking to randoms and saying things you normally would not dream of saying to a girl in real life. Gage the reactions etc, and aim for a number game, don't concentrate on "one" girl or whatever. Then move into saying those same things to girls in real life, and you will see you can get away with a lot of things.

Case in point? Watch the Simple Pickup series on YouTube. The guys will show you that anything is possible. But to truly assess your situation, I would need to know more about you.

 

[ghostrider9876]

I'm getting a fucking divorce. Relationships aren't all they're cracked up to be.



In all seriousness, I had no girlfriends in high school, only one in college. I didn't get to have sex until my mid-20's. So I can completely understand the frustration you're feeling. My advice: Don't worry so much about it, find happiness with yourself first, and don't try too hard to find someone. When you're happy with yourself, others will be able to see that, and when you aren't trying too hard you won't come off as desperate--both of which will serve to make you more attractive to chicks. Just relax and let it come to you.

 

[Mayamellissa]

I am in my second year of commuting to college and I still am just as much of a virgin as the day I was born. I have always had next to no self-confidence at all, meaning few if any friends. All throughout high school I would think "this is the year I'll have my first kiss with a girl" or "my first relationship" or whatever. I don't understand how everyone else around has such an easy time finding partners. I feel like I've skipped the whole teenager phase of my life and just became a dead-behind-the-eyes old man with regards to this whole love thing.

I tried to ask a girl out in my sophomore year of high school. She said yes, but then nothing came out of it because she kept making excuses to delay the date. We hardly even knew each other. Ever since then I have stopped trying. But I want to ask a girl out again some day.

I'm just sick of this cycle of self-pity and loneliness and depression. I want to experience what relationships are like. Right now I feel so disconnected from the rest of humanity that I actually feel happy when I see or hear about other people breaking up from their relationships. I for one don't see myself as being distraught over a break-up, if I ever get to have one.

Okay. Who are you and why are you speaking of my life via a guy's view-point?

 

[Mayamellissa]

Believe me, lack of contact doesn't give you any resistance from the pain of emotional turmoil. If anything it makes it worse. I'm infrequently amorous, but every time it falls apart it hurts just as bad.

You're right about the lack of contact making pain of emotional turmoil worse.

 

[Right Hook]

I greatly appreciated all the help, folks.

A couple of other things to be mentioned...

1) I already have a workout routine. I stay very physically contained and I generally keep my cardio up far higher than average. I'm not an athlete; I hate sports. I just workout to keep fit in spite of that.

2) I just find it hard to decide on what to say when I spy an attractive lady nearby.

3) I see very little *reason* to be self-confident. Everybody I've mentioned this problem to says "get more self-confidence". But my question is "How?" or "From where?". Is it something you gain by being awesome at playing the guitar or some shit like that? Or is it something you can spontaneously generate within yourself with the snap of a finger?

You said you aren't even trying anymore but that's not true, is it? The simple fact that you posted this means you still care, you still want this. Don't say things like "I'm not trying" just to save face. Truth is you haven't found a girl you like that is into you. That is NOT your fault, life is random and sometimes it can be shitty to someone who doesn't deserve, it seems like you don't deserve it, I'm sorry it's been this way. I've never had the best of luck myself but I work on it, I have plans and I keep trying, things will work out.

I know what you mean about being emotionally disconnected, I am extremely emotionally disconnected. It happens when you spend enough time alone, it stacks up against you, fight through that shit, dude. It is good that you are working out, especially if you need it, it'll help your look better and it'll make you feel better about yourself. Sometimes it can be hard to walk up on a girl cold, so try to find ways to engage them where it is easier to talk, like being in a group or sitting near them. You don't even need a good reason, just say...something, anything. Some will blow you off and it'll hurt a lot because your confidence is completely shot but keep working and with success it'll improve. As for "creating self-confidence" you simply can't do that. So FAKE it, I know it sounds weird, just man the hell up and act like you have a little confidence, find a way, whatever works, make shit up that helps you feel better.

Lastly I'm going to tell you the same words someone very wise told me when it came to this sort of thing...Do or do not, there is no try.

 

[tobyornottoby]

I greatly appreciated all the help, folks.

A couple of other things to be mentioned...

1) I already have a workout routine. I stay very physically contained and I generally keep my cardio up far higher than average. I'm not an athlete; I hate sports. I just workout to keep fit in spite of that.

2) I just find it hard to decide on what to say when I spy an attractive lady nearby.

3) I see very little *reason* to be self-confident. Everybody I've mentioned this problem to says "get more self-confidence". But my question is "How?" or "From where?". Is it something you gain by being awesome at playing the guitar or some shit like that? Or is it something you can spontaneously generate within yourself with the snap of a finger?

1) How about your looks? I used to lack confidence too but the moment I took contacts instead of glasses, put stuff in my hair, got some better looking clothes etc, those things just grant confidence.

2) You could try something silly. One summer we used "do you have any house pets?" as a pick up line. But you should worry about this later. Don't worry about them yet, worry about yourself first. Once you have a good foundation to stand on, the rest will come naturally.

3) Short answer: yes. Again, I used to have low confidence. Wherever I was, I preferred people not to notice me, because I was always afraid they would talk funny about me, laugh about me, etc. behind my back. This is a mentality you have to snap change. As others have said, look in the mirror and love yourself. And not just in the mirror, but on the street. Now, when I'm walking, I -want- to be seen. Instead of imagining them finding me ridiculous, I imagine them finding me hot or awesome.

And in the end, it doesn't really matter what they think at all. As long as you yourself are confident, it just works.

As for not having some skill or work or hobby to be confident about, yeah you do need something like that. Something that's in your comfort zone, something you're proud of. Then, when you're somewhere related to this, you are more naturally relaxed, etc.

 

[postblitz]

you need to masturbate then go take a good shower, put on some comfortable, decent clothing and then just walk up to any girl you like and ask them if they'd like to come for a coffee/juice this evening. don't just go for one girl, and don't be too forward and cut the reply very short.

 

[Phoenixlight]

brothels are immoral.

Thefuck? Seriously the fuck!? The fuckidy fuck fuck of fucks?!

Sorry you're going to have to put more thought into a reply if you want a proper response.

In your personal opinion, that is.

In reality they're no different to kmart. Supply and demand. People demand sex, other people supply it for an agreeable payment, all done in a clean, safe environment where there's no chance of pregnancy or stds, and you don't even have to clean up or make awkward conversation over a quick breakfast the next day.

You think there's something more moral and wholesome about, say, going to a pub, meeting a girl, buying them drinks all night then taking them home for sex? Aside from having to clean up your own place, the risk of pregnancy and disease, and that you have no idea how much you're going to be spending on drinks, how is this any different?

It's an objective fact. They are completely different to normal shops and yes it is different to doing that at a pub. Politicians who found to use such places will be stigmatized. If you use one you're a shitty person. No one should have to sell their body to stay alive and people who visit them are only encouraging the cycle of human trafficking to continue. There are many other wrong decisions people make like eating meat but this one is very wrong.

 

[Dastardly]

Your first relationship will not be successful.

Hah, my brother begs to differ.

Still, you're right on the money with the rest, but I think you miss something too; the OP first has to love himself, and only then is he ready to love someone else as well.

Eh, there are always exceptions. But the point is that no one should go into their first relationship expecting it to be "the one." That's not the reason to go in -- it puts unfair pressure on both yourself and the other person. It's about discovering the answers to questions, not looking to find a particular answer (thereby trying to force it). So it's better to go in without expectations, or preconceived notions of "success." And so, as I said earlier, expect that the first relationship will not be "successful."

Additionally, I agree the OP has to learn to "love himself." But that's a result. He's asking for the process. It's like someone that doesn't know math, and they're saying, "How do I learn math?" And we tend to answer, "Just go learn some math, man." The question is how.

And the way to learn to love yourself is to learn about yourself. And the best way to do that is to experience things. Relationships are a fantastic way to learn about yourself via the way you interact with others. They're also a great place to experience a wide range of emotions and learn how well (or how poorly) you handle them.

As long as we don't go into a relationship demanding that it "succeed," or demanding that the other person "be the one," we can learn a lot from the experience without having to hurt one another. There will be hurt, of course, but it's just a side effect of the process -- and an important part of the learning and growing.

Get out there, try relationships, come face-to-face with yourself, learn the things you like and the things you don't, test everything, hold on to the good. Even when we mine gold, it's not beautiful -- we know it's gold, but it doesn't shine until after we've put it to the fire and burned away the garbage.

So, yeah, he needs to learn to love himself. And this is how.

 

[Dastardly]

It's an objective fact. They are completely different to normal shops and yes it is different to doing that at a pub. Politicians who found to use such places will be stigmatized. If you use one you're a shitty person. No one should have to sell their body to stay alive and people who visit them are only encouraging the cycle of human trafficking to continue. There are many other wrong decisions people make like eating meat but this one is very wrong.

You make too many assumptions about everything in your posts. Not the least of which, you make a lot of assumptions about the character of another poster only because they disagree with you. I am not, have never been, nor ever will be a patron of a brothel. However, I recognize that most of them have nothing to do with human trafficking or desperation.

Street prostitution? Totally different -- it's often about desperation, drug money, etc. But brothels? These women have made a clear, reasoned choice to enter into this arrangement because of the frankly insane amount of money they can make, doing something they don't mind doing. They're making a living (by choice) off of their bodies in a way not unlike how a professional athlete chooses to do so.

Someone isn't "shitty" because they choose something that you wouldn't. Regardless of our opinions on brothels, we shouldn't be so quick to claim some imaginary Moral High Ground, from which we look down on all the "shitty" people and their "meat eating." You undermine your own point when you say things that are not true, or overstate a minimal amount of truth (and here's an "objective fact" -- exaggerating is the same as lying).

To my mind, the "shittier" person would be the one who believes his/her opinion is fact, and that everyone should subscribe to it or face summary judgment.

 

[ConstantErasing]

Still in high school myself so I can't contribute too much but I think romance is slightly overrated. I asked a girl out once and she said yes then just decided not to follow up on it. I was disappointed but not heartbroken, so I just thought "ok then I will just wait it out and let things take their natural course". True I don't have a girlfriend because of it but I feel that I am much happier and more stable as a result. So I would say, just let things progress, or do what feels right. A bit cheesy perhaps, or maybe just useless, but it has worked for me.

 

[Giftfromme]

brothels are immoral.

Thefuck? Seriously the fuck!? The fuckidy fuck fuck of fucks?!

Sorry you're going to have to put more thought into a reply if you want a proper response.

In your personal opinion, that is.

In reality they're no different to kmart. Supply and demand. People demand sex, other people supply it for an agreeable payment, all done in a clean, safe environment where there's no chance of pregnancy or stds, and you don't even have to clean up or make awkward conversation over a quick breakfast the next day.

You think there's something more moral and wholesome about, say, going to a pub, meeting a girl, buying them drinks all night then taking them home for sex? Aside from having to clean up your own place, the risk of pregnancy and disease, and that you have no idea how much you're going to be spending on drinks, how is this any different?

It's an objective fact. They are completely different to normal shops and yes it is different to doing that at a pub. Politicians who found to use such places will be stigmatized. If you use one you're a shitty person. No one should have to sell their body to stay alive and people who visit them are only encouraging the cycle of human trafficking to continue. There are many other wrong decisions people make like eating meat but this one is very wrong.

LOOOOL this is just too silly. It's an objective fact? I would try and feel sorry for you for voicing something so dumb, and pity you for arriving at such an opinion, but in fact the opinion is so extreme that it brings to mind an unintentional comedy.

Prostitution has existed and will always exist as a profession. There will always be demand for it. It can be that there are no other jobs and that it is the only option avialable for women. Not all of them choose the profession. It's like saying "why be jobless? Just get a job!" It literally makes no sense.

It is not and cannot be objectively wrong.