So you've just found out your spouse is a former porn star.

[manic_depressive13]

Well it could bother someone that their spouse thought they'd care and didn't tell them.

That just means that they care about you enough to not want to risk losing you over a mistake they made in the past. When someone admits a massive personal secret to you that turns out to be no big deal, you laugh at them for making a mountain out of a molehill- you don't stop trusting them forever.

 

[beastro]

There's an old saying about politics that applies here: It's not that act that screws you, it's the cover up.

Hiding something like this is a massive breach of trust and while I'd be accepting of her past, I could never count on her being open and honest when it really matters.

As usual, the liberal, always nice guys responses.

An amusing and skewed way of putting it considering my own reaction comes from being very conservative.....

Politics aside, the issue revolves around how much a person lets emotion and reason dominate their judgement.

Its the human ego you see, and the male ego is the worst.

No, it just depends on the pressure point.

The female pressure point with guys seems to revolve around the number of previous partners he's had in my experience. What you describe below is the male pressure point.

How could you compete with all those hour long sessions with the biggest members u cud imagine!

Then you know little about the adult film industry. Producing porn is the most unerotic, mood killing, unpleasant thing imaginable next to getting yourself filmed taking a dump that lasts for hours and you do it every day, 9 to 5.

Before you all jump to respond, this is the cold truth that you either deny, or lack the relevant life experience to know.

And you assume everyone is the same, and with regard to this, must fit the male stereotype.

Trust is a big issue with me given what I've witnessed in my families history and I've had a lot of understanding and encouragement to act rational in how I was raised. These type of things I tackle in a very cerebral manner and leave the emotional BS to bug me when when I have the time for it and not when I'm dealing with a problem directly.

 

[MHR]

Wait, I'm having sex? That's a drastic improvement over virginity. Sometimes one is greatful for what one has.

 

[370999]

I know the right answer is that I shouldn't care.

But I would. It would really bother me. I don't know, but the idea of someone having sex with other people for the purpose of money (by being paid to be filmed) would seem off to me, as a romantic partner. I just couldn't deal with it. I don't know if that means a divorce or I ask her to never mention it again, but it would be an issue.

There is no "right answer" in a question that asks you how YOU would feel in hypothetical situation X.

Yeah. I tend to think the more mature reaction is to not make it into a big deal, let the past be the past, but I doubt I would have the capacity to do so.

 

[StBishop]

[SNIP]

get extremely drunk and throw myself under a train. Not even exaggerating, marriage isn't a frivolity to me. To have something as personally sacred to me built on a deception, let alone a lie this vile, would drive me over the edge. My family would be destroyed because my wife would be a lying harlot and I have entirely too much self-respect to permit myself to be used by someone with absolutely no self-respect at all (ie: deceitful hookers). It's not just the lie as much as it is the gravity of the lie.

She is a liar and a whore. I wish them well, but for me such a thing would be just too catastrophic.

Or

Leave. Take any kids and leave.

Overreacting like this just discourages anyone from telling you the truth about anything, really.

By the way, what's up with the advertising captchas now? It seems like every single one I get is for Courtyard Marriott. I don't even know what that is, and it's not telling me either.

Not really.

It's a reaction to lying/deception which is proportional to how bad I think lying/deception is.

People who don't feel the same about it probably have no desire to be in a relationship with me, just as I have no desire to be in a relationship with them.

 

[sethisjimmy]

In this situation, it's really none of anyone's goddamned business. This happened over a decade ago, and it isn't something that is vital to disclose. It's not lying to someone by not disclosing every detail of the history of your life.

 

[dfphetteplace]

I think it is something she should have told him before they got married.

 

[Angie7F]

I dont think it matters.
I would be surprised if they were still doing it but the past is the past.

 

[Faraja]

My response?

You see, babe, I told you that it wasn't the hot dog. The hallway was just way too big.

 

[Latinidiot]

Meh.

Someone lying/hiding this is fairly understandable, there are a lot of moralizing prats out there when it comes to sex. Particularly when it comes to a woman's "purity". I would be surprised, but I can't imagine I would really care all THAT much. Clearly I liked the person enough to marry them.

Anyone who thinks their spouse is 100% honest with them 100% of the time is lying to themselves. It's a good idea not to lie about important things, but what my wife did to make a living years before I knew her ranks pretty low on the spectrum of "important things". As for the guy from the Dear Abby column, his histrionic response to the news is pretty good evidence that she had the RIGHT IDEA about keeping it secret. If your spouse is too immature/too high strung/too jealous to handle information like that, it's a kindness to keep it from them.

I agree with all you say, except the part describing him as immature/too high strung/too jealous.

 

[manic_depressive13]

But it means they care more about having you regardless of what you would want, doesn't it?

If you're telling me you would never lie to a partner you love in order to keep a relationship going smoothly you are either dishonest or just really bad at relationships. Everyone tells white lies to keep themselves from hurting their partner. Is it slightly selfish? In a way, yes, but I'll let you in on a secret my friend: No one in the world cares about you more than they care about themselves.

 

[manic_depressive13]

But that's different from telling a white lie to stop from hurting someone. It'd be keeping a secret to make yourself more appealing to them. I'm pretty sure people don't mind some white lies being told to them. But being lied to so that you'll do something major (they think) you otherwise would not? Bit bigger than that.

What's the difference? A white lie is dishonesty for the sake of someone's feelings. I don't see the difference between telling your parner they look fantastic in their clothes and telling them that you only had two other sexual partners in the past and none of it was filmed. It's all trivial and doesn't affect anything between the two of you. Now if you secretly resent your partner for not being attractive enough, or not having a large enough penis, that's when it becomes a cruel lie because you are lying to keep them in a loveless and toxic relationship. But as long as you love them and just don't want to hurt them it's a white lie.

 

[thesilentman]

If she really is sincere about our relationship, I won't leave her, but rather make her submit to my kinks! She cannot and will never even think to resist! make her promise to keep it a secret and blackmail ask her to satisfy my kinks if she wants to.

Why am I so evil today?! I dunno what's come over me... I won't be this dickish... I promise!

 

[VaderMan92]

I would wonder what the hell else she had neglected to mention before we tied the knot.

 

[Khrowley]

"..........how many were bigger than me?"

 

[Iron Criterion]

Well, I consider porn to be a vulgar thing. I mean, yes it's her past and not really any of my business, but I just couldn't handle being with someone who had done that; I understand that people come with baggage, but I have my morals and standards (I couldn't go out with a stripper, for example). I'm not saying either profession is wrong, but rather just something I wouldn't want to be involved with.