So you've just found out your spouse is a former porn star.
- Thread starter KeyMaster45
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That's no different to the conventional white lie. White lies are never entirely for the second party's feelings. They may be partially for their feelings but mostly to spare yourself the consequences of telling the truth. To use a stereotypical example, answering truthfully to the question "Have I gotten fatter?" will not only hurt your partner's self-esteem, but it will probably make them angry at you or maybe less receptive to sex because they are now insecure about their body, and generally cause friction in the relationship. In fact, the bigger a deal it is to your partner I would say the more obligated you are to lie about it, both for their sake and yours. After all, getting fatter and saggier is just part of aging. At the end of the day what matters is that you're both happy.Dijkstra said:
There's no reason to tell the truth about something that cannot be changed and will only potentially cause upset. Anyone could see that the reason she didn't tell her husband was because she was frightened and insecure that he would stop loving her because of a decision she made in the past. To bring it back to my initial comment: If you genuinely didn't care, you would immediately forgive them and reassure them that you would never stop loving them over something so trivial. Anyone who says "I have absolutely no issue with what you did, but I resent you because you didn't tell me sooner" is lying to themselves so blatantly that it's amazing they don't realise it. Obviously they do have a problem with it or else they'd forgive the lie, not resent it. Imagine how awful it must be living with the belief that the person you love might stop loving you because of a choice you made when you were young, which you probably regret by now.
Hmm, I dunno, I might be a bit weirded out but I /think/ I could accept it. I certainly wouldn't be angry at her for not telling me, I would likely be like "why didn't you say?" but at the same time, if she's ashamed of it herself or considers that a closed chapter in her life, then that's likely why she wouldn't say, a lot of people wouldn't be proud of that if they were.
When you make the decision to participate in porn you have decided to take the risks of being recognised, judged etc. for yourself.
It is unfair to make someone take the risks you signed up for without them even being aware of it, they didn't sign up for the risk and responsibilities of doing porn, you did.
Yes I realise the woman in question probably considered it a closed chapter of her life and a mistake but that doesn't mean the risks and responsibilities she took on board when she did the porn have gone away.
I certainly don't think it's a good reason for them to break up (not unless he considers porn morally wrong, it's against his religion etc.) but the husband certainly has good reason to be pissed off.
The fact you've done porn in the past is the kind of thing you should inform your partner of when you're starting to become serious about the relationship, and certainly WAY before you get married.
It is unfair to make someone take the risks you signed up for without them even being aware of it, they didn't sign up for the risk and responsibilities of doing porn, you did.
Yes I realise the woman in question probably considered it a closed chapter of her life and a mistake but that doesn't mean the risks and responsibilities she took on board when she did the porn have gone away.
I certainly don't think it's a good reason for them to break up (not unless he considers porn morally wrong, it's against his religion etc.) but the husband certainly has good reason to be pissed off.
The fact you've done porn in the past is the kind of thing you should inform your partner of when you're starting to become serious about the relationship, and certainly WAY before you get married.
Well, I'd be more hurt by him lying about it for so long, but I'd get over it. Then I would ask him to teach me a few tricks that women can do.