Sonic '06 - Objectively Better Than Portal

[Andy Shandy]

What the hell is wrong with you people? How come so many of you are taking this seriously? Is it really that hard to see what his point is?

You should go back and read the comment section of the "MlP Fans" Critical Miss comic. Oh boy, talk about critically missing the joke.

Zing?

Bad Fappy.

Although you are right, they did really miss the joke there.

 

[PoolCleaningRobot]

I think I love OP for this. I'm sick of people listing the things that make games good and bad because it's all about how you implement them. "Gaymes shouldn't be brown! They shouldn't be so realistic! Gaymes can't be linear! Gaymes NEED good story! GOOD GRAPHICS SUCKS!"

Some people just need to shut the hell up and judge a game as a whole and not by how many fucking buzz words you use to describe it

 

[Woodsey]

I'm still here, waiting for the "objectively" bit to be pointed out and elaborated on. So far, all I've seen was subjective stuff, or rather, you keep talking about why you liked Sonic more than Portal.

Sorry, but at the use of "irrefutably prove" and "objectively" in the OP, I think I will have to let my ol' pal Inigo Montoya do the talking.

You may have benefited from the lecture I was in on Monday about satire, irony and sarcasm.

 

[aegix drakan_v1legacy]

*stares at OP*

*raises a finger and opens his mouth...opens and closes his mouth a few times, at a loss for words and then lowers his finger and goes back to staring* (MODSBANNIT I wish had saved that gif of Castle [I think] doing just that. Would have saved me some time)

Umm....Well done, I guess? It takes effort to make a sincerely sarcastic (lol) argument that well. It did make me think a bit.

Although I'm still not a fan of CoD and the general industry trend. I just don't find it that fun.

Is it wrong that I was once a massive Sonic fanboy and genuinely, un-ironically enjoyed it?

*Sees incoming fall of flames*

Yeah...Guess it was.

Hey, you're entitled to that.

I'm a huge sonic fan to this day and I really enjoyed Shadow the Hedgehog, despite all the glaring flaws and atrocious story/dialogue.

 

[DirgeNovak]

Somebody reads Destructoid...
Still, that's a pretty good Sterling pastiche.

 

[crazyrabbits]

Thread of the year.

If nothing else, STH '06 has way more unintentional entertainment value than Portal.

 

[shrekfan246]

Somebody reads Destructoid...
Still, that's a pretty good Sterling pastiche.

Someone has taken some inspiration from Jim Sterling's Blatantly Better series, methinks.

I've never seen any of those articles before, actually, though I do love me some Sterling. I've only read or followed Jimquisition, /RANT on Gamefront, and his reviews.

Thanks for the link, though.

 

[Ragsnstitches]

am i really reading a thread about sonic '06' being better then portal?

No, your reading a thread that is satirising the contemporary notions of what makes a game good.

Sonic is colourful, has quite a variety of different level designs, completely avoids assisting the player and is very punishing.

Apparently, in certain vocal sectors of the web, these are things that are highly sought after and their absence explains why so many new games suck.

Portal on the other hand, has a white washed colour palette with speckles of bright hues used sparingly.
The level designs are based on systemic progression, whereby each new area is similar to the last area with only mildly varying deviations from the design (Obstructions -> Obstructions + Moving Platform -> Obstruction + Moving platforms + pitfall) resulting in limited aesthetic variety.
It handholds the player with visual cues, Tutorials, hints and sometimes blatantly telling you what to do.
Portal is also really short, only 4-5 hours long.

Objectively speaking, Sonic 06 has all the ingredients for a great game, according to some armchair developers. A logical step from that would be to say that Portal, who is completely opposite to sonic 06, is dreadfully bad and lacking, objectively speaking.

But this isn't the case. Sonic 06 is utter garbage even without considering the bugs and glitches, meanwhile Portal is considered as one of the greatest gaming experiences released in the last decade, if not longer.

It's satire. Sonic has everything need to be "awesome" but is utter shite, meanwhile Portal is completely lacking in all the major fields that certain gamers ***** and moan about, but has become an Icon for the greater gaming culutre.

Get it?


PS: It's funny that the first result for "that's the joke" with a google search leads to a youtube video by a person with Gabe Newell as his avatar. Huh.

 

[Rawne1980]

Y'know, I want to play along with everyone here.

But I'm sorry, I can't.

I mean...I just can't joke about a game that managed to drive a popular internet animator to the point of mental breakdown.

I know, it's okay.

Portal sent a lot of us to that dark place within ourselves.

Fortunately, Sonic 06 showed us the light and freed our souls.

 

[Vegosiux]

I'm still here, waiting for the "objectively" bit to be pointed out and elaborated on. So far, all I've seen was subjective stuff, or rather, you keep talking about why you liked Sonic more than Portal.

Sorry, but at the use of "irrefutably prove" and "objectively" in the OP, I think I will have to let my ol' pal Inigo Montoya do the talking.

You may have benefited from the lecture I was in on Monday about satire, irony and sarcasm.

Yeah, I'm sorry, no, I refuse to acknowledge sarcasm and satire to be a universal get out of jail free card on the interwebs.

 

[Woodsey]

I'm still here, waiting for the "objectively" bit to be pointed out and elaborated on. So far, all I've seen was subjective stuff, or rather, you keep talking about why you liked Sonic more than Portal.

Sorry, but at the use of "irrefutably prove" and "objectively" in the OP, I think I will have to let my ol' pal Inigo Montoya do the talking.

You may have benefited from the lecture I was in on Monday about satire, irony and sarcasm.

Yeah, I'm sorry, no, I refuse to acknowledge sarcasm and satire to be a universal get out of jail free card on the interwebs.

Your entire post relies on him being literal when he's clearly not. That makes you flat-out wrong. Whether you refuse to acknowledge it or not is your own problem.

He's mocking other people for saying the shit you're moaning about.

 

[Daystar Clarion]

I'm still here, waiting for the "objectively" bit to be pointed out and elaborated on. So far, all I've seen was subjective stuff, or rather, you keep talking about why you liked Sonic more than Portal.

Sorry, but at the use of "irrefutably prove" and "objectively" in the OP, I think I will have to let my ol' pal Inigo Montoya do the talking.

You may have benefited from the lecture I was in on Monday about satire, irony and sarcasm.

Yeah, I'm sorry, no, I refuse to acknowledge sarcasm and satire to be a universal get out of jail free card on the interwebs.

You can claim the sky isn't blue all you want.

That doesn't mean it isn't

 

[anthony87]

........I liked Sonic '06.

Yeah I said it! Bring it on!

 

[In Search of Username]

My god this is brilliant. Master troll. Five stars.

 

[Rad Party God]

Sonic '06 is a brilliant achievement. You have truly shown me the light.

I will now proceed to re-watch the bestiality/necrophilia dead Sonic kiss scene over and over again.

Sonic '06 is a brilliant achievement. You have truly shown my the light.

I will now proceed to re-watch the bestiality/necrophilia dead Sonic kiss scene over and over again.

Right?

All this time I thought Sonic 06 was just shit, but now I see that it's better than Portal! Everything I've known was a lie!

Also, that kiss scene? Best romance in a video game ever.

I agree.

Sonic also deals with relationships a lot better than Portal as well.

A romantic relationship between a human woman and a blue hedgehog teaches us that our physical forms are just barriers to something deeper.

Truly, Sonic '06 is the Citizen Kane of this generation.

Oh the sarcasm in this thread, it burns a massive hole through my eyes.

 

[Fiz_The_Toaster]

Oh the sarcasm in this thread, it burns a massive hole through my eyes.

No no no, embrace the sarcasm.

Let it run through you, for you know it is right and true.

In this insane world thread only sarcasm can be your savior friend against Sonic 06.

 

[Weaver]

So you're just copying Jim Sterling's "Objectively Better" formula from Destructoid?
Come on, Escapist. I thought you were better than that.

 

[shrekfan246]

So you're just copying Jim Sterling's "Objectively Better" formula from Destructoid?
Come on, Escapist. I thought you were better than that.

Again, I had never seen any of those articles until they were linked earlier in this very thread.

I appreciate the comparison, though, as I find Jim Sterling to be a very funny man.

 

[The White Hunter]

OT: I feel I should mention I put 06' down after 5 minutes of gameplay XD

That long? You sir are a courageous man.

I managed to drag my arse through Silver's story because when it was broken, you could work around it by breaking the game more. The other two were just broken.

The memories of the bestiality/necro scene just came flooding back. I'm gonna go weep in the corner with my Sonic plushy for a while I think. (or, y'know, I could play Colours again...)

But anyway, OT: And thus raw logic has been proven to be the solution to all! Huzzah!

 

[infinity_turtles]

All I want to know is how can anyone miss that this is satire. It's ridiculously blatant. The first paragraph starts with the OP talking about how they realized other people think these things are good qualities, no that they think they are. The sarcasm was telegraphed from like a mile away.