Talk To Cave Johnson For Only $40

vansau

Mortician of Love
May 25, 2010
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Talk To Cave Johnson For Only $40



If you're a fan of fine art and are looking for something to put on your Holiday gift list, you may want to consider this talking Cave Johnson portrait.

Portal 2 had a number of great moments, but one of the definite highlights was when you explore the decayed ruins of Aperture Science and listen to Cave Johnson's pre-recorded messages over the PA system. Soon, fans of Mr. Johnson's increasingly crazy ranting will be able to listen to him whenever they want without having to boot up and play through portions of the game, because ThinkGeek has revealed that it's about to start selling an official Portal 2 Cave Johnson talking portrait.

The portrait will be just over 15 x 11 inches and will say thirteen different quotes, including the bit about creating combustible lemons to get back at life. You can actually <a href=http://www.thinkgeek.com/geektoys/collectibles/ea60/detail/?cpg=cj&ref=&CJURL=&CJID=2617611>read the entire list of quotes here and, boy, are there some gems.

The portrait is going to sell for $40 and will reportedly become available on December 17th, just in time to become a last-minute stocking stuffer.

Source: <a href=http://www.thinkgeek.com/geektoys/collectibles/ea60/#tabs?cpg=cj&ref=&CJURL=&CJID=2617611>ThinkGeek via <a href=http://www.thinkgeek.com/geektoys/collectibles/ea60/#tabs?cpg=cj&ref=&CJURL=&CJID=2617611>Topless Robot

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Kevlar Eater

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Sep 27, 2009
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Funny. I always imagined Cave Johnson as a Texas oil tycoon, complete with a blonde horseshoe mustache and cowboy hat.
 

vansau

Mortician of Love
May 25, 2010
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Kevlar Eater said:
Funny. I always imagined Cave Johnson as a Texas oil tycoon, complete with a blonde horseshoe mustache and cowboy hat.
...Why?

His face was literally plastered everywhere in Portal 2.

OT: I'd love to get it, but there's so many games coming out that I don't think I'll have the money for it. DX

Ah well, Steam's inevitable Christmas sale should make up for it.
 

Formica Archonis

Anonymous Source
Nov 13, 2009
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Wow. The gamer geek equivalent of a singing fish.

I wonder if like the singing fish its voice gets all weird and slow when the batteries run down.
 

vansau

Mortician of Love
May 25, 2010
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It says only 13 different things.... I'm not impressed. (I want to make a lack of content joke at Portal 2's expense again, but I won't)

Throw in a Glados one with most of the content from 1 & 2 and I'd buy it.
 

Beryl77

New member
Mar 26, 2010
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As my avatar might suggest, I MUST HAVE IT! I think I'm going to gift this one to myself.
 

vansau

Mortician of Love
May 25, 2010
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Sober Thal said:
It says only 13 different things.... I'm not impressed.
"Now, some of the boys at the lab have told me that we can only manage to get 13 voice tracks on this thing. To compensate, they came up with a simple neurotoxin in the paint, so as soon as someone walks by, it'll make them forget what the painting just said, so they'll never know it only says 13 things. Unfortunately, they won't know much of anything else either, as the neurotoxin has so far proven to completely wipe out all memories of the person who walks by. The upside is that this means they have no recollection of how to contact us to inquire about our moneyback guarantee, so we're golden. Cave Johnson, we're done here."
 

Episode42

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Nov 28, 2010
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Shut up and take my money!!
Damn you Valve, why do you make so many things that i want!!
 

vansau

Mortician of Love
May 25, 2010
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OutrageousEmu said:
Sober Thal said:
It says only 13 different things.... I'm not impressed.
"Now, some of the boys at the lab have told me that we can only manage to get 13 voice tracks on this thing. To compensate, they came up with a simple neurotoxin in the paint, so as soon as someone walks by, it'll make them forget what the painting just said, so they'll never know it only says 13 things. Unfortunately, they won't know much of anything else either, as the neurotoxin has so far proven to completely wipe out all memories of the person who walks by. The upside is that this means they have no recollection of how to contact us to inquire about our moneyback guarantee, so we're golden. Cave Johnson, we're done here."
Great job astronaut, war-hero, and/or olympian. With your help we're gonna change the world.

Okay, well done. I'll shut up now.

lol
 

Icehearted

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Jul 14, 2009
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Brilliant! I have no shame in admitting Cave was the highlight of Portal 2. My money? Triviality! I must have more Cave!
 

Tireseas_v1legacy

Plop plop plop
Sep 28, 2009
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Yet another brilliant quote from Cave Johnson:

"Just a heads up, that coffee we gave you earlier had fluorescent calcium in it so we can track the neuronal activity in your brain. There's a slight chance the calcium could harden and vitrify your frontal lobe. Anyway, don't stress yourself thinking about it. I'm serious. Visualizing the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction."
 

NerfedFalcon

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Apr 3, 2020
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Kevlar Eater said:
Funny. I always imagined Cave Johnson as a Texas oil tycoon, complete with a blonde horseshoe mustache and cowboy hat.
That's Saxton Hale, except that Hale is Australian rather than Texan.
 

Kapol

Watch the spinning tails...
May 2, 2010
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Do want, but can't afford. And don't have any place I would really put it... Oh well.
 

direkiller

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Dec 4, 2008
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Kevlar Eater said:
Funny. I always imagined Cave Johnson as a Texas oil tycoon, complete with a blonde horseshoe mustache and cowboy hat.
Nope he was a shower curtain salesman(not kidding)
 

Vanbael

Arctic fox and BACON lover
Jun 13, 2009
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The people in accounting said that we can't even afford to buy 40 dollars in Cave Johnson portraits, let alone 4. I want to get one anyway. Remember, if life gives you lemons, make them combustible and burn life's house down with them.
 

samsonguy920

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Mar 24, 2009
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That portrait of him in later life makes me think of Craig T Nelson. Though I am thinking that the guys at Valve were more imagining how JK Simmons looked with a full head of hair. Handsome devil, he is.
If I could afford one of these, I would hack it to also include his awesome quotes from the Farmers Insurance commercials. That guy, I can never get bored of him.
I only hear the radio commercials, but I thought I'd share one of the video commercials here for reference:
OutrageousEmu said:
Sober Thal said:
It says only 13 different things.... I'm not impressed.
"Now, some of the boys at the lab have told me that we can only manage to get 13 voice tracks on this thing. To compensate, they came up with a simple neurotoxin in the paint, so as soon as someone walks by, it'll make them forget what the painting just said, so they'll never know it only says 13 things. Unfortunately, they won't know much of anything else either, as the neurotoxin has so far proven to completely wipe out all memories of the person who walks by. The upside is that this means they have no recollection of how to contact us to inquire about our moneyback guarantee, so we're golden. Cave Johnson, we're done here."
You have just won this thread. My hat is off to you, sir.
 

vansau

Mortician of Love
May 25, 2010
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leet_x1337 said:
Kevlar Eater said:
Funny. I always imagined Cave Johnson as a Texas oil tycoon, complete with a blonde horseshoe mustache and cowboy hat.
That's Saxton Hale, except that Hale is Australian rather than Texan.
And his moustache isn't blonde, or horseshoe. And thats not a cowboy hat, its an Akubra. So nothing like Saxton Hale, really.
 

Nexus424

Master Of All That Is Frosty
Dec 26, 2008
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Well darn...That would be cool but it doesn't have all his quotes :(

Especially not my favorite one.
 

Darth_Dude

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Jul 11, 2008
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I'd buy it if it had more quotes, 13 just insnt enough..
Throw in some Glados and Wheatley quotes however, and you'd have an instant buy.
 

Vault101

I'm in your mind fuzz
Sep 26, 2010
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Sober Thal said:
It says only 13 different things.... I'm not impressed. (I want to make a lack of content joke at Portal 2's expense again, but I won't)

Throw in a Glados one with most of the content from 1 & 2 and I'd buy it.
lack of content? I found portal 2's length very satisfactory, and that was the main thing i was worried about
 

vansau

Mortician of Love
May 25, 2010
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Irridium said:
I wonder what the price is in lemons...
Irridium said:
double posts are the work of the devil!
Damnit man, you can't make me LOL in two consecutive posts. Makes my tiny lil head hurt!

But I am more interested in a talking Glados potato. Keep your lemons.
 

GeorgW

ALL GLORY TO ME!
Aug 27, 2010
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*Added to wishlist*
I love it, but Cave's my least favourite voice over from Portal 2. Where are my GLaDOS and Wheatley portraits??
 

Richardplex

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Jun 22, 2011
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OutrageousEmu said:
Sober Thal said:
It says only 13 different things.... I'm not impressed.
"Now, some of the boys at the lab have told me that we can only manage to get 13 voice tracks on this thing. To compensate, they came up with a simple neurotoxin in the paint, so as soon as someone walks by, it'll make them forget what the painting just said, so they'll never know it only says 13 things. Unfortunately, they won't know much of anything else either, as the neurotoxin has so far proven to completely wipe out all memories of the person who walks by. The upside is that this means they have no recollection of how to contact us to inquire about our moneyback guarantee, so we're golden. Cave Johnson, we're done here."
I only have one of these to give away, but I think you've earned it. Have an internet.
 

Gather

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Apr 9, 2009
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December the 17th? Wouldn't arrive to where I live in time for Christmas :(

On the other hand; shut up and take my visa!
 

tahrey

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Sep 18, 2009
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Kevlar Eater said:
Funny. I always imagined Cave Johnson as a Texas oil tycoon, complete with a blonde horseshoe mustache and cowboy hat.
Me too ... I could swear I've even seen him depicted as such elsewhere.

I would urge caution - this could quite quickly become a Big Mouth Billy Bass type purchase.
 

FamoFunk

Dad, I'm in space.
Mar 10, 2010
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Holy shit that is awesome!
I wish there was a really good UK equivalent to ThinkGeek.com
 

idodo35

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Jun 3, 2010
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does this come with combusting lemons? if its an extra ill pay it!
seriously this is awsome lease take my money and give me one of these!
 

DasDestroyer

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Apr 3, 2010
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I AM THROWING MONEY AT THE SCREEN BUT NOTHING IS HAPPENING D:<

I wonder if I can manage to get one before they all sell out...
 

Hijax

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Jun 1, 2009
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Formica Archonis said:
Wow. The gamer geek equivalent of a singing fish.

I wonder if like the singing fish its voice gets all weird and slow when the batteries run down.
When low on battery, it turn's into Glados' voice
 

Steve the Pocket

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Mar 30, 2009
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Scruffsss said:
But I am more interested in a talking Glados potato. Keep your lemons.
It exists, but sadly only one was ever made, and it was sold to Valve. [http://volpinprops.blogspot.com/2011/06/glados-potato-portal-2.html]
 

warfjm

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Nov 14, 2007
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What?!?!?!?!? DECEMBER 17?!?!? WHY SO LATE?!?!?!? I am so disappointed. My family's Christmas shopping will be done by then. :-(