Ten Movies That Will Never Be

[TheBrett]

#8 could work if you made the whole thing a comedy, and portrayed the Professional's Pre-Switch Life more sympathetically. They may not have a Spouse and Kids, but they get great satisfaction from their job, they have good friends and admirers, etc. They've got a family in the Switch . . . but their job sucks (and both parents have to work to keep the family afloat), the neighbors are boorish, and while they make the best of it, they find themselves profoundly unsatisfied. At the end, they choose to go back.

Or something like that. What would make especially interesting is if you switch the usual gender role for a film like this, and have it be a woman who faces the Switch (in the Switch World, she's married with kids, and struggles to work to help keep the family afloat along with her husband). That would make the film both thought-provoking and a lightning rod for controversy.

 

[hotsauceman]

I got the whole
"I have a writing column on a video game site so i can say what i want in a way that people will find it profound" feeling from this article
Seriously bob. What makes you such and expert on many of the things you are pitching(in that experiencing them or know things about them). All of these things are most things people who visit this site already know.
I love most of your pieces(especially the nostalgia one you did, my favorite you ever did) but it seems the you are starting to think everything you think is right by default.

 

[TheSchaef]

Careful, Bob, you're treading dangerously close to the line of bootstrap capitalism... people solving their own problems without a Great White Savior, realizing it's okay to make a lot of money and spend it on stuff you like, embracing the benefits of modern technology... it's funny, actually, how all the old twists have now become cliches, but all those old twists tend to favor progressivism...

anyway, yeah, the Presidential Staffer pitch is Primary Colors, and the "Minority Rises to Meet its Own Challenge" pitch sounds suspiciously like Stand and Deliver, when Edward James Olmos was somewhere between Gaff and Adama.

 

[BlumiereBleck]

And once again religion is attacked....

 

[Mister Linton]

Sooooo, just repeating your distaste for certain hollywood tropes again? Yawn.

Bob, I'm gonna look for enough gauze to help you stop your bleeding heart. Did you take too much aspirin or something?

 

[Harry Mason]

"A man of spiritually devout persuasion is critically injured in a terrible car accident. Though he is brought to the hospital in time for doctors to save his life, his injuries are such that he is actually 'dead' for several minutes on the operating table, during which time he experiences ... nothing. No tunnel, no light, no angles, no dead pals, nothing. In a shocking twist, his newfound sense that the life he has is quite definitely all there is does not turn him into a bitter nihilist, but rather spurs him to become an infinitely better, freer and happier person who's determined to make the most of whatever time he has."

For the record, this could be a really good film in the right hands. Say... Wes Anderson's hands...
Love this article by the way. Laughed my way through the whole thing.

As far as the normal, non-stereotyped GLBT cinema thing, it's obvious you've never seen my sister's Netflix account. Good GOD are there a lot of movies fitting your pitch!

Also, it's pretty obvious that you guys whining about how conceded and "preachy" he sounds aren't in on the joke. You guys realize this article is satire, right?

*sigh*

 

[castlewise]

Hey guys, I think I get it. Maybe these aren't actual movie pitches but are some form of social commentary.

Yes and no. They are opposing pitches to movies that have been made over and over and over. They certainly have an element of social commentary, but the only consistent theme is the one of anti-terrible-genre-film.

 

[chaosyoshimage]

I just want some normal gay characters in the kind of Sci-Fi/Fantasy films I love to watch...

 

[ritchards]

You came close, but didn't quite get to "Rich city man on way to somewhere has an accident and lands in small rural town... but in an unexpected twist, he completely fails to fall in love with their quaint ways and decides to go back to the city where he is far happier."

Oh, and any number of movies where "kids go camping, have unprotected sex, and completely fail to get slashed to bits".

 

[NinjaDeathSlap]

I don't know why Bob's getting so much hate for this one...

I know that these ideas could be turned into terrible movies just the same as the movies he is railing against, but since when did 'offering up something different to all the tired movie tropes that everyone who actually cares about film are sick to the teeth of by now' become 'being pretentious and cynical just for the sake of it'.

People are also saying that a lot of these lack conflict, but I'm pretty sure I could find some level of conflict in most of them, and anyway, stale tropes have no conflict either because it's not real conflict when everyone can tell right from the beginning what the resolution is going to be.

I got the whole
"I have a writing column on a video game site so i can say what i want in a way that people will find it profound" feeling from this article
Seriously bob. What makes you such and expert on many of the things you are pitching(in that experiencing them or know things about them). All of these things are most things people who visit this site already know.
I love most of your pieces(especially the nostalgia one you did, my favorite you ever did) but it seems the you are starting to think everything you think is right by default.

I'm sorry, but what sense does this make? 1. He's been fanatical about movies since childhood and now makes a living out of watching and critiquing far more movies every year than most of us will see in a decade. So yes, compared to his audience he is an expert; and 2. Of course he thinks that his opinion is right, otherwise it wouldn't be his opinion would it?! Would you prefer if we lived in a world where every time someone tried to make a point they had to suffix it with "but of course this is just my humble opinion and I have absolutely no right to assume my thoughts and beliefs mean anything to anyone else, lowly mortal that I am." How fucking dull would that be?

 

[LonelyWizzard]

"Portrait of a man (or woman) of Asian descent living and working in the early 21st century. They have a series of escapades leading to sundry moments of personal growth ... none of which involve high-level computer hacking, superhuman mathematics skills, mastery of the martial arts or stereotypically strict, tradition bound parents. Also, his/her skills at speaking English are flawless, naturalistic and do not involved inexplicable lapses into heavily accented hip-hop slang."
Couldn't Gran Torino be seen as en example of this? Thao goes through a lot of experiences that would apply to allmost every male, not just stereotypical Asian ones.

 

[twistedmic]

Personally, I often turn to international movies when I want to catch a quality movie that doesn't cling to Hollywood stereotypes.

True, international/foreign films don' tend to conform to Hollywood or American stereotypes, but they might conform to the stereotypes of that particular country (i.e. British movies tend to conform to British stereotypes, Japanese movies tend to conform to Japanese stereotypes).

 

[shrekfan246]

Snip

Also, it's pretty obvious that you guys whining about how conceded and "preachy" he sounds aren't in on the joke. You guys realize this article is satire, right?

*sigh*

You should check out the majority of comments on the first six or seven Jimquisition episodes. Even people who religiously watch Yahtzee every week didn't seem to understand what "satire" is. I'm honestly shocked so many people are taking this so seriously.

His ideas aren't meant to be real movie pitches. They're satirical, "realistic" turns on the stereotypes that get used over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and cookie if you notice this over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

 

[Ghengis John]

I'm snipping this for now, I've ogt to head out and I'd rather not have to think about it.

 

[DRD 1812]

Snip

Also, it's pretty obvious that you guys whining about how conceded and "preachy" he sounds aren't in on the joke. You guys realize this article is satire, right?

*sigh*

You should check out the majority of comments on the first six or seven Jimquisition episodes. Even people who religiously watch Yahtzee every week didn't seem to understand what "satire" is. I'm honestly shocked so many people are taking this so seriously.

His ideas aren't meant to be real movie pitches. They're satirical, "realistic" turns on the stereotypes that get used over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and cookie if you notice this over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

This column can be seen as satire when viewed from two different angles. One of them leads to "bad" satire" and one leads to "good" satire.

"Bad" satire: "The movie industry is stuck in the past, championing outdated views by peddling safe and uncontroversial crap to the slack-jawed masses. Here are some pitches that would blow people's minds because they simply don't play to eternally perpetuated stereotypes."

This is bad satire because 1) Anyone with half a brain (and one hopes a writer assumes his audience has half a brain because you'd think preaching to idiots every week would be depressing) already knows that Hollywood keeps making trite films. There is no relevation to be had here. and 2) Simply stating something is ridiculous is not good satire. Even if you use a number of opposite examples in order to be "funny". One must make a commentary such as,

"Good" satire: "Hollywood produces a lot of shlock these days, but you know what would be just as awful? Doing the exact opposite of what they've been doing. The stories would be no less predictable, there would be no conflict, and 'guess they were right all along' isn't the best way to teach lessons, moral or otherwise. Here are some examples of that, aren't they bad? Good thing there are people blending both ideas together in order to make good films."

If MovieBob is doing the second then I guess he really did trick everyone. Knowing what we know about him through his other videos it's just easier to assume it's another self-righteous jab from an admitted misanthrope.

 

[empirialtank]

your right bob, none of those will be made into movies, unless some art student here decides to make one of those his graduation project or something, because most of them sound rather boring.

Except that last one, that one sounded really interesting, right up till the last part where it became, just as all the others were, horribly ethnocentric, and depending on what group of natives they make it about racist.

Also, bob, I sense a great deal of hostility coming off of you this past week. In your most recent big picture you slammed the more conservative members of america's population with a few sweeping generalizations, and now it seems to me that your blasting at a few more sections of the political right's less than honorable base. Has something happened to you this past week? Did something really piss you off? If it did I hope you overcome it very soon. I'll be praying for you brother.

I did really enjoy escape to the movies, though personally i was hoping that you were going to thrash one or two of the movies that had tried to sneak by. Still, its always good to get a bit of insight into the hollywood mindset from a professional like you.

 

[JMeganSnow]

"A poor citizen of a small, war-torn nation rises up to fight against the forces of chaos in the region; hoping to bring some semblance of order for his family, friends and country. He does this without seeking or receiving help from a visiting American hero - in fact, there are no Americans are involved on either side, nor does anyone mention Americans or offer up any strong opinions "for" or "against" America ... it is possible that this is due to America not being the center of everyone's universe."

So I take it you haven't seen Defiance or Enemy at the Gates, then? Or BRAVEHEART?! (Don't think Ireland counts as "America".) I don't recall Schindler's List having any Americans in it, either, except that one at the very end who pokes his head through the gate and speaks, what, one line?

I'll grant you that the "lone American visits foreign land" trope might be overdone, but it's overdone for a reason: people can identify easily and readily with the Stranger in a Strange Land. It can be harder to get them over the hump into identifying with the characters if EVERYONE is foreign. Harder, but in my experience, more rewarding, too. Also, it's much easier to showcase all the Foreign stuff if you have a Noob who has to have it all explained to them. Many writers have not mastered the art of subtle exposition and prefer to have someone they can deliver an info-dump upon.

A movie which features a non-American person (say, a Bangladeshi) visiting a foreign land (say, Pakistan), I'd agree, will probably not get made in America because it's very likely nobody in America outside of a Bangladeshi ex-pat would be able to write that story convincingly.

Or how about, a movie about aliens or fantastic nonhuman races that involves no humans whatsoever? Oh, wait, Dark Crystal. Still, pretty unusual.

 

[goliath6711]

Ok, since we're pitching unlikely movies, how about this.

A movie that focuses on a sports team (pick any sport) comprised entirely of sports stereotypical worst elements. Violent thugs, spoiled millionaires, lazy slackers, gamblers, drug abusers, all forced together on a team with a totalitarian coach and a greedy, money-pinching owner whose only interest is to suck as much money from the fans as possible. They're loud, offensive to their fans, and are all in it for their own personal glory. They earn the title of villains of their league and their road to the championship is rocked by everyone under the sun rooting for them to lose. So despite their constant bickering and infighting over which team member gets to be the biggest star and which one of them deserves to be the highest paid, they unite over the common hatred that they have toward the fans, the other teams, the executives that run the league, and pretty much anyone else that has a problem with them. They then get to the championship game, face off against the scrappy, underdog team of upstanding citizens and all-around heroic role-models who everyone has rallied behind as the saviors of the league, and decimate them with unfair, and sometimes illegal, tactics. They don't get caught, or learn any valuable lesson about teamwork, or the importance of humility or treating others with respect. They just win the championship and give the literal and figurative middle finger to all of their haters.