The Escapist Advice Thread

[Teoes]

You start by bending them over and undoing their trousers.. then you [CENSORED]

Dear Escapist, what should I do about the [CENSORED] I found coming out of my [CENSORED] last time I sat down on the [CENSORED]?

 

[Neuromancer]

I am afraid that you will need to be castrated. Fret not, for I am an excellent castrator.

Dear Escapist, how do I castrate Teoes?

 

[Teoes]

The best way totally involves a brick in each hand and a clapping motion.

Dear Escapist, I appear to be bleeding. Please advise.

 

[username sucks]

The best thing to do when bleeding is to cut deeper to find the exact vessels that you are bleeding from.

Dear Escapist, I am sad. What do I do?

 

[Morsomk_v1legacy]

Well mister Torgue, go 'splode shit up! That always makes you happy!

Dear Escapist, I think I am in the wrong class in school today, what do I do?

 

[Teoes]

Drop your trousers, moon the teacher and go find the right classroom.

Dear Escapist, my sandwich is potentially boring today. What do I do?

 

[username sucks]

Give it some lessons on how to have fun.

Dear Escapist, how do I improve my non-existent fashion sense?

 

[EeveeElectro]

Walk around naked, the police love it.

Dear ya set of wankers, how the fuck do I speak better to people? Piss off!

 

[Teoes]

There's nothing a fucking mare like yourself could ever hope to learn, so get it up ye ya wee gobshite.

Dear Escapist, how can I calm down after dealing with that troublesome situation?

 

[EeveeElectro]

Drink yourself into a coma.

Dear Escapist, how do paint a pretty picture?

 

[Morsomk_v1legacy]

You spent hours and hours learning colour combination, and then just go wild like Picasso did with this painting.

Spoiler: The Painting

Dear Escapist, I feel sort of ill after last night LAN event, how do I make myself feel better?

 

[Teoes]

Purge yourself with fire and salt.

Dear Escapist, what can do to make a plaster/band-aid stick to me for more than an hour?

 

[EeveeElectro]

Use semen. Other people's is stickier.

Dear Escapist, how do I get #swag?

 

[staika]

Go out in the woods and find the two blue birds. Tell them staika sent you and they'll get you some swag.

Dear Escapist, I seem to be tripping balls now. WHAT DO I DO!?

 

[Teoes]

Drop another tab. It's the only way to be sure.

Use semen. Other people's is stickier.

Heh, I've had a mate wonder what they put on Rizla to make them sticky - I told him it was jizz, right as he started licking it. Mmm, good times.

Dear Escapist, how do I get other peoples' semen?

 

[Morsomk_v1legacy]

Ok............give them wine and cheese and just do what comes next.


Dear Escapist, I'm hungry, how do I fix that?

 

[Teoes]

Take a bite out of the closest object that cannot outrun you.

Dear Escapist, how do I get more people into Forum Games?

 

[Morsomk_v1legacy]

You build billboards for advertisements and tell them that we have chicks.

Spoiler: THESE KIND OF CHICKS!

Dear Escapist, my copy of Super Mario Sunshine isnt here yet. What do I do about it?

 

[Teoes]

The only thing you can do - throw a tantrum. Then get a copy of F-Zero GX and cleanse yourself in pain.

Dear Escapist, how can I go about bedding all the Forum Games regulars?

 

[EeveeElectro]

Put a big sign up over an innocent looking cave that says "Free sweets for forum gamers and also puppies!"

Dear Escapist, how do I learn to outrun Teoes?