[hr]
[hr]
To err is human.
I was suffocating. It was unbearably hot. My skin was burning, Sweat clung to me, sticking my clothes against me like plastic. The cotton as nearly soaked through. I sat up and threw off my shirt. The air hit my skin, it was cold. It felt nice against my bare body. My breaths grew gentle as the madness passed. I swallowed, my throat ached and my mouth was dry. I could feel the tightness of my lips. I ran my hands over my body, from my stomach up over my chest and past the hair that clung to my neck and shoulders. My hands came away wet.
It was night.
The soft hum of the airship grew louder in my ears as the throbbing subsided.
Nightmare, I thought,
it was just a nightmare. Now the chill of the airship's air seeped into my skin. I welcomed it. Though I could not remember what it was about, I could still feel the intensity of it's nature. My chest stopped heaving and my breathing finally returned to normal. I ran my hands through my hair again.
My room was dark. Though the curtains had been pulled closed, the darkness outside betrayed the moon's absence. The airship kept humming.
Water. I swung my legs off the bed and hopped off and then stumbled through the dark, fumbling with my blurred vision to find a bottle of water. I knew I had some left before I went to bed.
When did I go to bed? My head hurt. My hands found a bottle and I eagerly raised it. I pulled off the cap and brought it to my lips. The water was cool and sweet. I drank greedily, letting some of it dribble out of my mouth and down my neck over my body. I still felt unbearable hot. After I finished drinking I splashed whatever was left on my chest and let it drip down to pool at my feet.
What... happened. I sat down on my bed, the sheets were still damp with sweat, but cooler now. I tried to remember.
Just what in the world happened last night?
I closed my eyes and pressed on my temples with the heels of my palms.
The dark came creeping back. Shadowy forms danced at the edge of my vision and the hum of the airship turned to wicked howls.
Azure... That ancient blue danced in the blackness of shadows. Slithering forms in the dark that my eyes could not see yet I knew were there. That darkness so deep it was brilliant.
I felt sleep grasp at me again. Pulling me into the dark. I wanted to forget as much as I wanted to remember.
Me duele la cabezaw... I pressed harder at my temples.
It was hot.
I didn't want to be in this room anymore. It made me feel like I was suffocating. I got up to my feet. The floor was cold. I picked up my shirt and threw it over myself. I didn't want to wear any more than I needed to. I wandered out of my room and into the hallway.
[hr]
The halls were quiet. Not even the night watch were patrolling. It must have been sometime between three and four A.M. Before the early morning guard had been stirred to duty. Even then, the night watch was sparse. Mostly it was handled by automatons. The hallways were dim, almost pitch black, electricity was being rationed. I never noticed. I kept a hand on the wall as I walked to steady myself. My thoughts were still dancing mad. The pain was still there, duller now, but no less persistent.
Eventually I got to the Canteen.
The heroes. There must be one or two in here. At the very least the flaxen-haired bartender ought to be around. At this point I would have been happy to even see an imp or two. I pushed the door to the Canteen open. The inside was dark. The windows let in no light. It was a moonless night outside. The stars were the only spirits that graced the sky. They twinkled dimly in the distance, hard to discern but present nonetheless. Otherwise the Canteen was empty. No heroes. No imps. I bit my lip. There was something off here.
There were more tables than before. Each was lined neatly next to each other. The kitchen opening was larger too. Fit to serve more people than the heroes ever were. It was odd. It had such order that it seemed wrong. I walked over to the bar. It was still well stocked, each of the colorful liquors were dimly illuminated by backlighting. In the abstract dark that I had wandered, it was a welcomed sight to see such man-made light. I stepped inside of the bar and started to look for a cup. I wanted a drink. Something to calm me. My heart was still beating anxiously.
A sharp piercing pain returned to my head. It throbbed once, and frightened me. I stumbled. I knocked three glasses to the floor and spilled several index cards from their box.
Ah shit. I bent down to pick them up. The index cards were for recipes. They had all sorts of strange cocktails listed on them. I ought to have given one a try. I held the first one up to the light of the back lighting. It read,"
Code:
Recipe: Royal Arrival
4 parts Gin
1 parts Lemon Juice
1 part Creme de Noyaux
1 part Kemmel
Dash egg white
Dash vegetable extract
Preparation - Shake ingredients together with ice, and strain into a cocktail glass.
"
Below the printed portion was a little note scrawled in red ink.
"Ian, Margaret wants you to make this for her during her end-of-service party. Do us all a favor and make sure you don't use the almond liqueur. George is allergic. - Hailey"
Ian...? There wasn't... Ian wasn't the bartender. I shook my head and put the card away. No. The bartender was Luke. I chewed on my lip. And these people don't seem familiar to me. I don't think there even is an Ian on the ship, and Margaret was killed in actions two years ago in Los Angeles. Although... if she had survived... it would have been her release year.
I put everything back where it was and started to leave. My head spun. The Canteen - now that I look at it - it looks foreign. Similar to the one I know, but unsettlingly different.
I should go check on the heroes. I need to go check to see if they're back yet. They have to be back.
Back.. from what? When did they leave?
The night was silent.
I started to make my way into the heroes' quarters.
[hr]
Now the hallways were bathed in such an inky pitch that I could no longer make out the path ahead of me. I fumbled through my shirt pockets and pulled out my lighter. It was still heavy with fuel. I lit it and a plume of orange flame leaped out into the darkness. The soft orange glow of the flame did not uncover much of the hallway, but it was enough for me to continue.
I was approaching the links of the two main cabins of the airship. What lay ahead was the Rising Dawn of antiquity, a section of the ship that hosted the hero's quarters - large specialized spacial rooms reserved only for the Rising Dawn proper - and the old hanger array - which was now the gunnery bay. The metallurgists had done a find job melding the two cabins together, but the differences were still there. The steel here was darker with a texture like wood, the hallways were wider, and there were blank spaces where old room had been filled into to preserve structural integrity.
The flame flickered, casting illusory demons on the walls. The orange glow made the ship seem somehow old, like aged paper or ancient film. Yet, it was more comfortable here. The flooring was wood paneled, and the walls did not seem so cold. This part of the ship felt more... alive. My hair brushed down against my neck and made me jump.
Why is it so eerie!? I calmed my breath and leaned against the wall. The shadows were my only companions here in this suffocating silence. I held my breath, the panic was coming back. It was like being swallowed in a pit of tar - my mind became muddled and I could not think. It was as if I had become to tired to think.
As it came, it passed. I dropped to the ground. My breaths were deep and long. The floor was cold against my thighs - my shirt was soaked again in sweat. The flame flickered. It was as if hours had passed. I was tired as if I had waded through the tar for a lifetime. Yet. There was nothing. The hallway was still empty and those familiar phantasms danced to silent music upon the walls. I gathered myself. I was so thirsty.
I steadied myself against the wall and stood up. My legs were weak so I stumbled. The will was there, but there seemed to be no more strength in my body. I did my best and leaning against the wall I rose to my full height with great effort. Then I just stood there. Tears were streaming down my cheeks. I felt so scared. So alone. Never before had I ever known such loneliness. Such fear. Such separation. The shadows consoled me wordlessly.
I don't know how long I just stood there sobbing in the dark, but the front of my shirt was sticky with tears by the time I moved on. My throat was sore and dry and my eyes were angry. Yet... something called me. I pressed on, one shaky step after another. My fingers caught on the grooves of the door before I had realized I reached one of the heroes' rooms. I had been so lost in the effort of my steps that the light no longer existed to show me my path, but to comfort me with it's meager light.
I pressed against the door. The name plate was blurred. I slid my hand across the door and it opened. The room within was bathed suddenly in the orange light of my small flickering flame. The bed was neatly made, the furniture undisturbed, and the windows closed. The bathroom was open and affixed with all the amenities. I coughed.
Dust. There was so much of it. A thin grey blanket had covered everything. This room had been undisturbed for years.
I entered. I could feel the soft grains of dust against my bare feet.
Who's room was this?
"a'homma."[footnote]"Mine."[/footnote]
The answer startled me. I turned around and raised my lighter into the air. It cast its paltry light upon everything in the room - and there was the speaker sitting upon the dresser by the door. Her body was bathed in a shimmering violet light, different from the orange that bathed the room. She did not disturb the dust when she moved.
"Who are you?"
She ran her fingers through her hair. It was long and white, so perfectly kept that it ran down to her ankles in thick beautiful strands. Her eyes were a piercing red - a color unnervingly close to that of blood. She smiled. Her lips were pale. She had long thick black eyelashes. She leaned forward and smiled.
"uinia,"[footnote]"Venia"[/footnote] she answered.
She swung her legs out and landed on the floor. She was just as tall as me, probably fourteen years of age if I had to guess. Her skin was ashen - and she wore nothing. Her body was bare against the light - yet her small breasts were featureless and she had nothing below her navel. She was like a doll...
Except she was bleeding. All over her body ran angry red lines - cuts and lacerations - oozing with blood. Her skin was purple and bruised in patches from the neck down, and her neck had faded black rings around it. She smiled and leaned forward toward the orange flame. It flickered.
"Who are you?" I repeated, taking a step back. That fear was coming back, the engulfing darkness, the miasma. Her eyes gleamed and she rushed forward, a flurry of white and violet light. I raised my arm to shield myself. I had nothing but the flame to guard me against this phantom.
She grabbed a hold of my arm, and suddenly my body felt cool. I opened my eyes. She was inches from my face, with large red eyes staring into me. She smiled. The terror had gone from my body, and my legs had regained some of their former strength. I felt my voice catch in my chest. She leaned forward and pressed her body against mine. She still held onto my wrist, and she put her other arm around my waist. It was as if we were dancing.
"Who are you?" I repeated once more.
"a efam i,"[footnote]I am Pain.[/footnote]
I blinked,
"The lieutenant?" She shook her head. She brought her cheek to mine and whispered in my ear.
"a suer i,"[footnote]I am Suffering[/footnote] She leaned back and pulled me forward into a light-hearted spin.
"a shuamyo i,"[footnote]I am Compassion[/footnote] she leaned forward and kissed me deeply. I did not struggle. She felt.. right. It was a sort of indescribable love. I wanted to hold her and to be held by her. I wanted her to become of me. With her gentle touch, it was like all of my pain had melted away.
"a uinia i."[footnote]I am Venia.[/footnote]
"Venia," I muttered under my breath. She twirled me again, her body pressing tightly against mine. Our dance was sending the dust into the air, and as our bare feet swept over the ashen carpet, it began to turn to liquid light. Like water, it moved in and out in waves and crashed against our feet. It was a warm pleasant light, as if pleasure of sight and touch had been distilled into liquid. Venia held me in her dance and I leaned my head against her shoulder. The skin was soft, but I could feel the bumps of scars on her skin and scaly patches from old burns. Her thin arms had fractured bone and her fingers had opened sores. I could feel her the bones of her hips as she pressed into me. Yet, she was strong. It was as if she felt no pain, but joy. Enveloped in this brilliant white sea. The liquid light rose and upon it came a foam of all colors. Venia spun and spun and spun. Her eyes were closed in absolute bliss and she grinned so widely I could see the broken flesh within her cheeks.
"Why are you here?"
"mediara ite sa,"[footnote]To save you, of course.[/footnote] she said smiling.
I paused.
",ie...,"[footnote]Why?[/footnote]
"because," she said in English. There was an accent, strange and foreign, but familiar at the same time. The sounds danced on her lips and resonated from her throat like music.
"you need saving. no reason more."
The dark completely eroded into the sea of liquid light. I felt weightless. I felt beautiful. I felt... normal. For the first time in my life I could think of no true worries. I put my head against her young chest and cried. She held me close. I had never felt so relieved in my life. It was like. It was like I... I... I...
It was like I was saved.
And she held me. In that embrace of infinite kindness, and never before had I felt such unconditional love. It was brilliance brighter than the brightest stars. I held onto her and cried, and she soothed me with gentle whispers and song. And we fell within the waves of liquid light.
And she cried.
So I asked her,
"why are you crying?"
and she answered,
"because I will not let you cry alone."
"but I do not cry because I am sad, but because I am happy"
"then I also cry because I am happy."
I gripped her and wailed. She held onto me tightly, her hair drifted in the liquid light like wings. She cried tears of crystal as she held me. There was nothing I could want more than to be with her.
Then she spoke again. Child, she said, let your feelings go.
Let yourself become one with me so that I can bear the weight of your sins.
And so I did. The light held us and sang sweetly. There was nothing more that I could want. A saint. This girl was a saint. She was born of the same cloth as Maria and Peter and Michael. She was an angel. The very essence of God. It was encompassing love - this infinite sea of compassion that had swallowed all the darkness.
I could only wish that it would last forever.
Then at last she said, You are forgiven, My Child.
She let me go and the liquid light around us receded. Still her presence gleamed like the very star of the heavens. I reached out to her and she held her hand against mine.
Do not fear. She said. For I am with you always, my child.
Then why was this the first time I had seen her.
You have had me always. She answered. In your own compassion and love I exist.
In times both good and bad I am with you.
"a sa'ahn i" [footnote]I am with you.[/footnote] she said.
"a sa'ahn i" [footnote]I am with you.[/footnote] I answered.
[hr]
It is known that mankind's greatest folly is his desire for independence. For man cannot exist alone. The longing for love and life is too great. When mankind becomes truly independent, the weight of his own life is too heavy to bear. It is only by collective struggle that the sins of life can be carried to completion.
Mankind exists upon the nature of love and compassion. To that end he has created the concept of God, and through God created a sea of compassion that is a part of all men. For God, by a million million names being called, is all but one thing - the hope of all humankind to be loved and forgiven.
For man cannot exist alone because the sins of life are too heavy to bear. Man forgives man, and all of mankind loves one another so that God may love all of mankind.
To forgive is divine.
[hr]
It was night. The fan was blowing gently. I could feel the dry tears on my cheeks. I sat up in my bed. The sheets were newly cleaned, smelling of fresh linen. My shirt was draped over my desk chair along with the rest of my uniform. I was naked beneath the sheets. My body felt light, and I held myself. My heart was fluttering. The light of the moon outside trickled in through the window - a beautiful silver ray that fell upon gleaming steel.
I couldn't remember what it was.
A nightmare? A dream? I picked up a bottle of water and brought it to my lips. It was sweet and cold. I tossed the bottle once I drained it and looked around again. The air felt nice against my bare body. I ran my hands through my hair and sighed. I felt lighter than before. The gleaming steel shone at the foot of my bed. It was my lighter.
I could go for a smoke. I pulled a cigarette from the pack on my bedside table and bit onto the filter. I grabbed the lighter and flipped it open. It was too light, almost empty. I'd have to get another one. I brought it to the end of the cigarette and pulled the sparker.
I dropped the cigarette to the floor. I took a deep breath. My heart was stuck in my throat.
The flame of the lighter shone gold - a fire born of liquid light.
