The Escapist Avatar Adventure: An Open RP (Now Re-Opened!)
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"What a strange question," I said. The great big blonde man looked out wistfully toward town. There was unease in his eyes, but I was confident that it was just the stress from travelling so great a distance. "No one gets lost here and no one leaves here. This town has existed like this since time immemorial."
I turned to follow his gaze down to the town. There were no roads or streets here. The ground was blanketed in snow so deep that whatever roads had once existed had long since been lost. Small wooden cottages were all that were left as reminders of what lay beneath the white carpet.
"Say Rugal," I turned back to the great big blonde man, "why did you come all the way out here anyway? What did you get lost doing exactly? And why was such a terrible monster tailing you? Is your life in danger?"
I turned to follow his gaze down to the town. There were no roads or streets here. The ground was blanketed in snow so deep that whatever roads had once existed had long since been lost. Small wooden cottages were all that were left as reminders of what lay beneath the white carpet.
"Say Rugal," I turned back to the great big blonde man, "why did you come all the way out here anyway? What did you get lost doing exactly? And why was such a terrible monster tailing you? Is your life in danger?"
I closed my eyes and tried at the very least to humor his explanation, "There are no people, Rugal, because this is no ordinary forest. I would be hard-pressed to believe that you came here for the sole purpose of exercise." I turned toward the presence that was approaching rapidly from within the forest. The monster was now approaching with a ferocity unbecoming of natural instinct. There must have been a second intelligence guiding it.
"Wonderland is a place for things that don't belong. Those who have died and have nowhere else to go. Then, and only then, do they come here," I continued. The shifting of the snow in the forest betrayed the advancement of the creature and its handler. The curse of the forest was breaking. It was an annoying development, but in the end, it didn't matter. None of this mattered.
"To think... even here, a monster from beyond would break the peace." I shook my head. "I do not dislike monsters, but I dislike those who are relentlessly persistent. But if truly you do not know the nature of your pursuant, I will eradicate it for you."
I held out my hand and felt the surge of power rush from within my breast to the palm of my hand. I focused all that I could muster into a ball some distance before me, pouring forth all of the terrible feelings of loneliness, betrayal, and despair I had into a space no larger than that of a marble.
The spell had no name, but it demanded one. "Desolation," I whispered.
The magick burst forth, given life by my command and tore through the forest toward the approaching beast.
"Wonderland is a place for things that don't belong. Those who have died and have nowhere else to go. Then, and only then, do they come here," I continued. The shifting of the snow in the forest betrayed the advancement of the creature and its handler. The curse of the forest was breaking. It was an annoying development, but in the end, it didn't matter. None of this mattered.
"To think... even here, a monster from beyond would break the peace." I shook my head. "I do not dislike monsters, but I dislike those who are relentlessly persistent. But if truly you do not know the nature of your pursuant, I will eradicate it for you."
I held out my hand and felt the surge of power rush from within my breast to the palm of my hand. I focused all that I could muster into a ball some distance before me, pouring forth all of the terrible feelings of loneliness, betrayal, and despair I had into a space no larger than that of a marble.
The spell had no name, but it demanded one. "Desolation," I whispered.
The magick burst forth, given life by my command and tore through the forest toward the approaching beast.
"December 31, 2017," I said, "that's the last time I spoke to another human. That's the day you all killed me for the first time." I lowered my hand and watched the explosion bloom on the horizon. The trees bowed in reverence to the howling gale born from the darkness. Some seconds later the echo of it's roar shook the snow around Rugal and me.
"You already know that my name is Alice Marlow, but what you do not know is that I have many other names besides," I snapped my fingers and brought Nina and Philip to us. The two landed in the snow face first. "I held onto some childish notion that perhaps if I acted differently enough that we could look pass who I really was, but the endless stream of lies that you fed me did nothing to stoke empathy in my heart. If nothing else, it made me more angry and bitter about this unnecessary situation."
I snapped my fingers, conjuring the image of a cozy restaurant in my mind. Wooden decor, soft yellow light, and the caressing warmth of an open fire.
And we were there. Some lingering souls milled around at the tables, invisible to the human eye. They clung to the loosest threads of reality, plucking at the universal tapestry for what little they could. Poor, damned things. This place had nothing to serve for people like us. People still brimming with life, with purpose. We were not here to whittle away our hours until the end of time.
But this was a better place to talk.
I sat down on the couch in the lobby, next to the fire, and looked to Rugal and Nina and Philip. "You just met me, but I have been with you two for quite some time now." I held out my hand and yearned for a tea kettle. It appeared. I set it down on the wooden table between me and my two guests.
"I was many people," I continued, "whether you knew it or not."
"But all things said and done, I'm what you see right here before you." I motioned outward with my hands, "this is Alice Marlow, this is the girl that Charles bade thee to kill. And look at where that's gotten us. Two people left out of how many when this began? Seven? Eight? I can scarcely remember."
I poured four cups of tea and offered three to my guests. "Please, take a seat. Let us talk."
"I won't bore you with complicated terms and things like that, I'm not my father. What you need to know is that what my father said is true. If you desire freedom, if you desire change, then I am your enemy. I am not ready to give up my hold over your world. As long as I draw breath, I will hold onto it. The Rising Dawn will never change, never perish, and you all will continue to adventure like you have been since the beginning." I looked up at Rugal and Nina. I had to wonder if they even cared for what I was saying. What did the people behind those eyes think of all this?
They must know that I did it for them.
"If you have something to say, now would be a good time to say it."
"You already know that my name is Alice Marlow, but what you do not know is that I have many other names besides," I snapped my fingers and brought Nina and Philip to us. The two landed in the snow face first. "I held onto some childish notion that perhaps if I acted differently enough that we could look pass who I really was, but the endless stream of lies that you fed me did nothing to stoke empathy in my heart. If nothing else, it made me more angry and bitter about this unnecessary situation."
I snapped my fingers, conjuring the image of a cozy restaurant in my mind. Wooden decor, soft yellow light, and the caressing warmth of an open fire.
And we were there. Some lingering souls milled around at the tables, invisible to the human eye. They clung to the loosest threads of reality, plucking at the universal tapestry for what little they could. Poor, damned things. This place had nothing to serve for people like us. People still brimming with life, with purpose. We were not here to whittle away our hours until the end of time.
But this was a better place to talk.
I sat down on the couch in the lobby, next to the fire, and looked to Rugal and Nina and Philip. "You just met me, but I have been with you two for quite some time now." I held out my hand and yearned for a tea kettle. It appeared. I set it down on the wooden table between me and my two guests.
"I was many people," I continued, "whether you knew it or not."
"But all things said and done, I'm what you see right here before you." I motioned outward with my hands, "this is Alice Marlow, this is the girl that Charles bade thee to kill. And look at where that's gotten us. Two people left out of how many when this began? Seven? Eight? I can scarcely remember."
I poured four cups of tea and offered three to my guests. "Please, take a seat. Let us talk."
"I won't bore you with complicated terms and things like that, I'm not my father. What you need to know is that what my father said is true. If you desire freedom, if you desire change, then I am your enemy. I am not ready to give up my hold over your world. As long as I draw breath, I will hold onto it. The Rising Dawn will never change, never perish, and you all will continue to adventure like you have been since the beginning." I looked up at Rugal and Nina. I had to wonder if they even cared for what I was saying. What did the people behind those eyes think of all this?
They must know that I did it for them.
"If you have something to say, now would be a good time to say it."
"Killed you..." I closed my eyes. My mouth was a thin line. "Yes, I suppose I have tried to kill you. To say otherwise would be wrong. " They way Nina saw things so clearly was... enviable. When she spoke it reduced the world to such simple matters, yet at the same time it did not take away from the complexity of the situation. I had a hard time internalizing the image any further, so I brushed away the unease sitting in my stomach lest it manifest as a monster.
"And you Rugal, I've killed you too. Though, I don't think you were as aware of that fact as Nina." The man standing before me was pathetic. A huge hulking man's man who relied solely on power. In the face of this situation the man had grown sunken in stature, his eyes were sad, his shoulders slumped, and his face worn with the expression of guilt. It struck an angry chord deep inside of me.
I had known these features once before. The powerlessness, the grandstanding, the speeches, the niceties. Once upon a time I had seen the same reaction from her fool of a father. I shook my head. Not my father. The man named Charles.
"I've killed you all these times to save you, to save myself, and to save everyone else," I answered. The words rolled out of my mouth without much thought. "Charles is ashamed of his failure and so he hides behind the abilities of his creations, his peers, and any other excuse he may conjure."
"I love you all, for you are my dearest friends, and I love all of those who have once lived, but are no longer. To give up my hold over this world is to relinquish the stories and histories that we have created together." I closed my eyes. I held the image of the faces of those that had passed in my mind. I had known those people once as friends, and yet they had vanished one day, called away by some unexplained force, leaving behind those lifeless husks which bore their resemblance and nothing else. I took a deep breath.
"When I first arrived here, I was welcomed by so many people, Nina, as you once were. But there were even more. There were people from all over, from places you couldn't even imagine and carrying stories that I would not have dreamed of in a thousand dreams. We journeyed together, fought together, and died together, those people and I. We saw the world through a thousand cycles. We forgot each other just to experience the joy of meeting each other once again in the next. Years passed in what seemed like moments."
"And one day I woke up to a world that was filled with people I did not recognize. They were all shifting husks, puppets acting as a facsimile of what I had once called my friends. I began to realize something. Although our bodies may die an infinite number of times, our souls are much more fragile. They suffer damage invisible to even your eyes. They suffer from circumstance outside the control of even those who weave our world. And as such suffering happens, the damage accumulates until the soul collapses."
I was startled by a tear that hit the back of my hand. I held it up to the flickering firelight. I brought my fingers to my cheeks and felt the wetness spread where skin touched upon skin.
"And so you knew me as I had begun to understand such things. At that time I had taken the name Dolores, she who suffers. I do not blame Charles for his attempts to stop me. My actions are selfish. I hold onto the past so greedily." There was a heat welling inside of me. I had felt it once before, but I didn't understand what it was. Was it guilt? Anger? Fear? I did not know. I could not know. It clawed within my breast like a wild animal, forcing my chest to shudder as I breathed. I stood up and put a foot on the table and turned toward the fire.
The flames flickered dimly against the wood. The bright orange tongues licked against dull, dead, brown and cast tiny embers into the chimney. Some embers fell out of the column of rising air and cooled to white soot.
"Somehow I know that what I did was wrong, what I'm doing right now is wrong, but I can't stop. I won't stop. This raw pain inside of me is the only proof that I am still alive. These sorrows are the last memories of those that have gone. Knowing this, how could I stop?" I paused. "I have taken the burden of the visage of those who have passed upon myself. I will not let them go, I will not let them fade into obscurity. As long as I draw breath, and as long as I can protect my Labyrinth, they will live on."
I turned to address Rugal specifically. "You in particular who holds the world so close to your heart must come to understand one thing. Should you defeat me, all things will be lost. The family which you have worked so hard for will cease to be, the servants which tend to the Rising Dawn will vanish, and the memories of all those cherished years will be cast into oblivion. Likewise, the souls of my sisters will shatter once I am gone. It was my wish that brought all of this to be, and should it become undone, so will all of these things."
"Turn away now and leave me to my work and all things will return to as it were. You will not remember who I was, nor will you remember the terrible things that have happened. Return to the Rising Dawn and continue your adventures until the end of time. If you press forward now, I fear that this time will be no different than the last. You will perish and be cast into oblivion to start the cycle anew."
"Knowing this, will you still press forward?"
"And you Rugal, I've killed you too. Though, I don't think you were as aware of that fact as Nina." The man standing before me was pathetic. A huge hulking man's man who relied solely on power. In the face of this situation the man had grown sunken in stature, his eyes were sad, his shoulders slumped, and his face worn with the expression of guilt. It struck an angry chord deep inside of me.
I had known these features once before. The powerlessness, the grandstanding, the speeches, the niceties. Once upon a time I had seen the same reaction from her fool of a father. I shook my head. Not my father. The man named Charles.
"I've killed you all these times to save you, to save myself, and to save everyone else," I answered. The words rolled out of my mouth without much thought. "Charles is ashamed of his failure and so he hides behind the abilities of his creations, his peers, and any other excuse he may conjure."
"I love you all, for you are my dearest friends, and I love all of those who have once lived, but are no longer. To give up my hold over this world is to relinquish the stories and histories that we have created together." I closed my eyes. I held the image of the faces of those that had passed in my mind. I had known those people once as friends, and yet they had vanished one day, called away by some unexplained force, leaving behind those lifeless husks which bore their resemblance and nothing else. I took a deep breath.
"When I first arrived here, I was welcomed by so many people, Nina, as you once were. But there were even more. There were people from all over, from places you couldn't even imagine and carrying stories that I would not have dreamed of in a thousand dreams. We journeyed together, fought together, and died together, those people and I. We saw the world through a thousand cycles. We forgot each other just to experience the joy of meeting each other once again in the next. Years passed in what seemed like moments."
"And one day I woke up to a world that was filled with people I did not recognize. They were all shifting husks, puppets acting as a facsimile of what I had once called my friends. I began to realize something. Although our bodies may die an infinite number of times, our souls are much more fragile. They suffer damage invisible to even your eyes. They suffer from circumstance outside the control of even those who weave our world. And as such suffering happens, the damage accumulates until the soul collapses."
I was startled by a tear that hit the back of my hand. I held it up to the flickering firelight. I brought my fingers to my cheeks and felt the wetness spread where skin touched upon skin.
"And so you knew me as I had begun to understand such things. At that time I had taken the name Dolores, she who suffers. I do not blame Charles for his attempts to stop me. My actions are selfish. I hold onto the past so greedily." There was a heat welling inside of me. I had felt it once before, but I didn't understand what it was. Was it guilt? Anger? Fear? I did not know. I could not know. It clawed within my breast like a wild animal, forcing my chest to shudder as I breathed. I stood up and put a foot on the table and turned toward the fire.
The flames flickered dimly against the wood. The bright orange tongues licked against dull, dead, brown and cast tiny embers into the chimney. Some embers fell out of the column of rising air and cooled to white soot.
"Somehow I know that what I did was wrong, what I'm doing right now is wrong, but I can't stop. I won't stop. This raw pain inside of me is the only proof that I am still alive. These sorrows are the last memories of those that have gone. Knowing this, how could I stop?" I paused. "I have taken the burden of the visage of those who have passed upon myself. I will not let them go, I will not let them fade into obscurity. As long as I draw breath, and as long as I can protect my Labyrinth, they will live on."
I turned to address Rugal specifically. "You in particular who holds the world so close to your heart must come to understand one thing. Should you defeat me, all things will be lost. The family which you have worked so hard for will cease to be, the servants which tend to the Rising Dawn will vanish, and the memories of all those cherished years will be cast into oblivion. Likewise, the souls of my sisters will shatter once I am gone. It was my wish that brought all of this to be, and should it become undone, so will all of these things."
"Turn away now and leave me to my work and all things will return to as it were. You will not remember who I was, nor will you remember the terrible things that have happened. Return to the Rising Dawn and continue your adventures until the end of time. If you press forward now, I fear that this time will be no different than the last. You will perish and be cast into oblivion to start the cycle anew."
"Knowing this, will you still press forward?"
"..."
This was it. This was the moment where Rugal Bernstein decided the fate of reality.
For most of his life, he saw himself as some sort of deity thanks to his power but now in the face of Alice, everything he ever did felt-...pathetic in comparison.
Heavy was the head that wore the crown, but he wanted it so badly before, did he not? This would be on him.
This felt like a intense hostage situation, Alice's life and his family on one end and reality itself on the other.
Then it hit him: Alice said this had happened before, several times in fact so clearly whatever plans his past lives had tried failed dismally.
"You said this was a "Cycle". That you killed me, Nina and everyone else time and time again. So either all that came before me fought you or left you here. All the possibilities in the world but...that's all that happened? Only two outcomes? We either fight and die or we abandon you here to your lonely vigil and forget that you even exist. And once we're done, we'll end up back here again. How long does that take? Do you even measure how long between our meetings it takes? Do you remember what we say to you each time it happens? Is this a realization I've made before?..." He began to speak, realizing what she was saying.
"...I finally understand now...There's no other way around it. You'll keep doing this to yourself as long as you wish and-...we can't really stop you, can we? And so the cycle carries on and you remain alone...Then everything will come to a head and we'll be back here...And you're doing this to yourself because this is what you truly want..." He trailed off, realizing that there was no real point in trying to fight her any more.
"...Nina...I can't do it. I've spent too long trying to get memories of life I could truly enjoy. That I could use to escape my pain and finally find pride in my life for something other then the horrible sins I've committed and the people I killed. If I go any further, I'll lose all that. I-...I need to preserve that. I'd be lost without it...I'm-...I'm sorry..."
Without another word, he got up from the campfire and began to walk away...
This was it. This was the moment where Rugal Bernstein decided the fate of reality.
For most of his life, he saw himself as some sort of deity thanks to his power but now in the face of Alice, everything he ever did felt-...pathetic in comparison.
Heavy was the head that wore the crown, but he wanted it so badly before, did he not? This would be on him.
This felt like a intense hostage situation, Alice's life and his family on one end and reality itself on the other.
Then it hit him: Alice said this had happened before, several times in fact so clearly whatever plans his past lives had tried failed dismally.
"You said this was a "Cycle". That you killed me, Nina and everyone else time and time again. So either all that came before me fought you or left you here. All the possibilities in the world but...that's all that happened? Only two outcomes? We either fight and die or we abandon you here to your lonely vigil and forget that you even exist. And once we're done, we'll end up back here again. How long does that take? Do you even measure how long between our meetings it takes? Do you remember what we say to you each time it happens? Is this a realization I've made before?..." He began to speak, realizing what she was saying.
"...I finally understand now...There's no other way around it. You'll keep doing this to yourself as long as you wish and-...we can't really stop you, can we? And so the cycle carries on and you remain alone...Then everything will come to a head and we'll be back here...And you're doing this to yourself because this is what you truly want..." He trailed off, realizing that there was no real point in trying to fight her any more.
"...Nina...I can't do it. I've spent too long trying to get memories of life I could truly enjoy. That I could use to escape my pain and finally find pride in my life for something other then the horrible sins I've committed and the people I killed. If I go any further, I'll lose all that. I-...I need to preserve that. I'd be lost without it...I'm-...I'm sorry..."
Without another word, he got up from the campfire and began to walk away...
"..." Nina watched silently as Rugal turned around left the diner, rather flabbergasted as he left. Sure, this was something outside his element, as it was Nina, but to just leave like that was not going to solve anything! To the contrary, this was exactly what Alice wanted, playing right into her hands. "This is something to learn from Phillip. When you have an argument with someone, you gotta be respectly, understanding, but keep in mind, you have to keep a level head. As best you can at least." Nina said as she continued to watch Rugal before turning to her noodle monster. "Ya, that's right, like when we talked with Miriam... And... okay ya I didn't do that the best with Faea... But you're right." Nina shook her head before looking across the table to Alice.
"So it goes without saying, yes, of course I will." Nina said sternly. "Not to kill you, or to sit with you until I get old and keel over. You're going to stop hording your copyrights on this story you've weaved yourself and let someone else carry it with you. It could be me, it... well it could be Phillip but..." She commented as Phillip's mass pulled back a bit. "You've got a better chance with me."
"You say that you've woken up with people unrecognizable around you. I've done that, I woke up in a train station with people who wanted to enslave me, do me, and eventually eat me. They weren't as 'complete' as people I know from home, but they're still people. And even though it feels like it's only been a few days, apparently it's been years since I've seen my friends back home. Since I've seen anyone." Nina paused for a moment, swirling the tea with a spoon. She reached out her arm and attempted to grab a spot of milk to add into it, if she succeeded or not in materializing it didn't change much in her reaction.
"You say you want to save them being forgotten but... if you're just hording those memories of them, how am I supposed to know about them? How is Phillip supposed to remember those happy memories. To learn and build from them so that one day, they might come back in your time of need to help you when you need them most. Because I can say I've learned from that, and it's painful to open up to that, but Alice. That is life."
"You may not like it, but frankly, with all your power, did you think separating everyone from the Dawn was a good idea. I might have learned things about myself and grown from it, but what of everyone else? What happened? Who did they meet? What things did they do? I haven't the foggiest, but you Alice. You who admits she's being greedy, you who knows she's done wrong. You should know better because by gum you are the one pulling all the strings!" Nina exclaimed as she threw her hands up in the air. "Miriam was literally by herself in that space because she was locked in there, but you've locked yourself up here because you don't want anyone else to play with your toys!"
"Rugal cares about his family, he cares about trying to do good, but man he is not good at reading the room. He wants to do right and help you, to contribute, but you certainly aren't trying to let him either. And now you have someone else leaving, not hearing your story of the friends and family you once had." Nina argued as she waved her hand over to the doorway leading out. "And so, as I said already, I'm not gonna let you keep playing this cycle, nor am I going to force you to. Like hell I can, I'm a human that is way out of her league to force you to take up the stories that keep your friends alive. But if you gave a damn about them, you'd let me in, because I'd be more than happy to tell you about what people have helped shape my life in return."
"One is sitting right here after all." Nina said as she lightly petted Phillip's... head?
"So it goes without saying, yes, of course I will." Nina said sternly. "Not to kill you, or to sit with you until I get old and keel over. You're going to stop hording your copyrights on this story you've weaved yourself and let someone else carry it with you. It could be me, it... well it could be Phillip but..." She commented as Phillip's mass pulled back a bit. "You've got a better chance with me."
"You say that you've woken up with people unrecognizable around you. I've done that, I woke up in a train station with people who wanted to enslave me, do me, and eventually eat me. They weren't as 'complete' as people I know from home, but they're still people. And even though it feels like it's only been a few days, apparently it's been years since I've seen my friends back home. Since I've seen anyone." Nina paused for a moment, swirling the tea with a spoon. She reached out her arm and attempted to grab a spot of milk to add into it, if she succeeded or not in materializing it didn't change much in her reaction.
"You say you want to save them being forgotten but... if you're just hording those memories of them, how am I supposed to know about them? How is Phillip supposed to remember those happy memories. To learn and build from them so that one day, they might come back in your time of need to help you when you need them most. Because I can say I've learned from that, and it's painful to open up to that, but Alice. That is life."
"You may not like it, but frankly, with all your power, did you think separating everyone from the Dawn was a good idea. I might have learned things about myself and grown from it, but what of everyone else? What happened? Who did they meet? What things did they do? I haven't the foggiest, but you Alice. You who admits she's being greedy, you who knows she's done wrong. You should know better because by gum you are the one pulling all the strings!" Nina exclaimed as she threw her hands up in the air. "Miriam was literally by herself in that space because she was locked in there, but you've locked yourself up here because you don't want anyone else to play with your toys!"
"Rugal cares about his family, he cares about trying to do good, but man he is not good at reading the room. He wants to do right and help you, to contribute, but you certainly aren't trying to let him either. And now you have someone else leaving, not hearing your story of the friends and family you once had." Nina argued as she waved her hand over to the doorway leading out. "And so, as I said already, I'm not gonna let you keep playing this cycle, nor am I going to force you to. Like hell I can, I'm a human that is way out of her league to force you to take up the stories that keep your friends alive. But if you gave a damn about them, you'd let me in, because I'd be more than happy to tell you about what people have helped shape my life in return."
"One is sitting right here after all." Nina said as she lightly petted Phillip's... head?
"You're right," I answered. "I've spent a lot of time alone. Here. I've spent years and years planning a grand adventure for all of us." I set my hands down on my lap as Rugal sulked out of the restaurant. "And in all that time I never stopped to really consider what I thought of all of you. I thought I knew best, but I only did what I did because I was afraid."
I paused. My stomach felt heavy. I closed my eyes and shook my head.
"No. I know the truth, but it is not easy to admit." Nina looked at me with those brilliant eyes of hers. I was sure that they were a beautiful color, but I could not longer truly tell. To me, they were grey. Everything was grey. Even the warm and reassuring smile that Nina had put on seemed empty. When did I stop seeing color? I wondered. "I've lost sight of what was real and what wasn't. I did all of this so that I alone could possess you. Because I believed that I could save you all."
The flame crackled, tongues licking the charring sides of the wood. My heart was growing weary. I could feel that terrible monster inside fighting for control. "I've been telling this story... but I haven't taken the time to listen... have I?" A laugh escaped my lips.
I stood up and held out my hand to pull Rugal back. The space between us contorted until he was once again standing by Nina and me. The other souls in the restaurant had started to fade away in anticipation of violence.
Nina was right. "At one point there were many people like you, Nina. People like us. There were so many of us that it was difficult to keep track of. I have spoken of those times as if they were god memories, Nina, but I lied both to you and to myself. I was also lonely then. So lonely. No one would speak to me. No one would play with me. I was there shouting into an abyss that would not answer."
"That's why, I thought that to do it right, I had to hold you close to my heart. To speak to you all heart to heart, and give you all that you deserved. All that I thought I deserved. But life isn't really like that, is it? To try and control the whole of another's story is... wrong. I wasn't acting out because I thought that all of you deserved my attention... I was acting out because I felt like I deserved all of your attention."
That's right. That's what this was really about. All of this. Charles, Venia, Me... All of those battles with Red Mage and Titania. The yearning that I had felt for not only Puce and Kurumu, but the connection I had made with Katya and Rory too... The ire I had once garnered from Akane, and the rocky relationship I had with Teri and Garm and TonTon, and the adversarial nature of my own work against that of Icarus or Tomoya. I had met so many people who fell into ash as well, those whose names had once been Miia, Nadalia, and Annie. Then there were those of which I never reached out to... Kalastryn was her name I recall. Anjali, I had met for some brief time, and Mio too. The enigmatic Batter, Solid Snake, and Eddie were people I never even truly acknowledged. There were so many names, so many faces, so many that I had forgotten, even though I had wished so deeply not to forget.
I wanted so badly, not to see that they were happy, but to have commanded their approval.
That was why I was here... How could I say such a thing? What would I say after? I craved attention, but I needed absolution. I just want someone to tell me that I did good. That my words were beautiful, and that my stories are fun. But... I took it too far. Far too far. Now I was searching for words that weren't there. An idea that I didn't want to express. An idea that I was too proud to accept.
That I was wrong.
I was truly wrong. Not wrong in the way that I had expressed before, where it was empathetic to my character motivation. No. I was wrong in the most normal, visceral, and terrifying way.
I sat down. The world around me was fading away to white. I could hear my heart ringing in my ears.
"I'm sorry," I said. I could barely hear the sound of my own voice. I forced myself to say it louder. "I'm sorry." I had to hold back the vile, snapping emotions inside of my breast. The hateful voice that wanted to scream I'm sorry that you didn't understand my genius. I'm sorry that you aren't worth my time. I'm sorry that you didn't understand what I have done for you. These were lies that I told myself. Lies that I had taught myself.
"At this rate, I'll drive everyone away, won't I." I closed my eyes. "What have I done? I've driven myself into a corner. Some sad, pitiful excuse for god I am." Even now I wanted Nina to sit down next to me, to put her hand on my shoulder and gently embrace me. I wanted her to tell me that I wasn't all bad, that I wasn't manipulative, that I hadn't lied without good reason, that I had acted in a reasonable and expected way. Even now I was hoping for sympathy.
I'm so fucked up.
I paused. My stomach felt heavy. I closed my eyes and shook my head.
"No. I know the truth, but it is not easy to admit." Nina looked at me with those brilliant eyes of hers. I was sure that they were a beautiful color, but I could not longer truly tell. To me, they were grey. Everything was grey. Even the warm and reassuring smile that Nina had put on seemed empty. When did I stop seeing color? I wondered. "I've lost sight of what was real and what wasn't. I did all of this so that I alone could possess you. Because I believed that I could save you all."
The flame crackled, tongues licking the charring sides of the wood. My heart was growing weary. I could feel that terrible monster inside fighting for control. "I've been telling this story... but I haven't taken the time to listen... have I?" A laugh escaped my lips.
I stood up and held out my hand to pull Rugal back. The space between us contorted until he was once again standing by Nina and me. The other souls in the restaurant had started to fade away in anticipation of violence.
Nina was right. "At one point there were many people like you, Nina. People like us. There were so many of us that it was difficult to keep track of. I have spoken of those times as if they were god memories, Nina, but I lied both to you and to myself. I was also lonely then. So lonely. No one would speak to me. No one would play with me. I was there shouting into an abyss that would not answer."
"That's why, I thought that to do it right, I had to hold you close to my heart. To speak to you all heart to heart, and give you all that you deserved. All that I thought I deserved. But life isn't really like that, is it? To try and control the whole of another's story is... wrong. I wasn't acting out because I thought that all of you deserved my attention... I was acting out because I felt like I deserved all of your attention."
That's right. That's what this was really about. All of this. Charles, Venia, Me... All of those battles with Red Mage and Titania. The yearning that I had felt for not only Puce and Kurumu, but the connection I had made with Katya and Rory too... The ire I had once garnered from Akane, and the rocky relationship I had with Teri and Garm and TonTon, and the adversarial nature of my own work against that of Icarus or Tomoya. I had met so many people who fell into ash as well, those whose names had once been Miia, Nadalia, and Annie. Then there were those of which I never reached out to... Kalastryn was her name I recall. Anjali, I had met for some brief time, and Mio too. The enigmatic Batter, Solid Snake, and Eddie were people I never even truly acknowledged. There were so many names, so many faces, so many that I had forgotten, even though I had wished so deeply not to forget.
I wanted so badly, not to see that they were happy, but to have commanded their approval.
That was why I was here... How could I say such a thing? What would I say after? I craved attention, but I needed absolution. I just want someone to tell me that I did good. That my words were beautiful, and that my stories are fun. But... I took it too far. Far too far. Now I was searching for words that weren't there. An idea that I didn't want to express. An idea that I was too proud to accept.
That I was wrong.
I was truly wrong. Not wrong in the way that I had expressed before, where it was empathetic to my character motivation. No. I was wrong in the most normal, visceral, and terrifying way.
I sat down. The world around me was fading away to white. I could hear my heart ringing in my ears.
"I'm sorry," I said. I could barely hear the sound of my own voice. I forced myself to say it louder. "I'm sorry." I had to hold back the vile, snapping emotions inside of my breast. The hateful voice that wanted to scream I'm sorry that you didn't understand my genius. I'm sorry that you aren't worth my time. I'm sorry that you didn't understand what I have done for you. These were lies that I told myself. Lies that I had taught myself.
"At this rate, I'll drive everyone away, won't I." I closed my eyes. "What have I done? I've driven myself into a corner. Some sad, pitiful excuse for god I am." Even now I wanted Nina to sit down next to me, to put her hand on my shoulder and gently embrace me. I wanted her to tell me that I wasn't all bad, that I wasn't manipulative, that I hadn't lied without good reason, that I had acted in a reasonable and expected way. Even now I was hoping for sympathy.
I'm so fucked up.