The Joke Topic (literally)

[SomeLameStuff]

A man walks into a bar and sits down right across from the bartender. The bartender sees the man poking at his hand and putting it next to his ear, and asks him, "What are you doing?

The man replies, "Oh, it's the newest technology -- I have a phone built right into my hand." The man puts his hand next to the bartender's ear and, sure enough, the bartender hears a dial tone.

After a few drinks, the man goes into the bathroom. The bartender notices that he has been gone for almost a half-hour. Concerned, he goes into the bathroom to check it out. When he walks in, he sees the man with his hands on the wall standing with his legs apart and pants down. He has the end of a roll of paper towels shoved up his butt. Shocked, the bartender yells, "What are you doing?!"

The man groans and replies, "I'm waiting for a fax."

 

[SomeLameStuff]

A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.

"I have four boys and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team,"

"That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son, and I'll have a football team."

"That's nothing," says the Mormon. "I have 17 wives. One more wife, and I'll have a golf course."

 

[uncle-ellis]

a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his dick and says to the bartender "arrrr its driving me nuts".

 

[Dommyboy]

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' And then the fight started.....


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale. And then the fight started...

 

[bad rider]

A duck walks into a bar and asks "have you got any fish?"
Barman replys "no this is a bar we don't serve fish"
Duck accepts this and leaves

The duck comes back the next day and asks "have you got any fish?"
Barman replys "no I told you yesterday, we don't serve fish"
Duck accepts this and leaves

The duck walks into a bar the next day and asks "have you got any fish?"
Barman replys "Look for the last time this is a bar, we serve beer and alcohol. No fish. If I have tell you this once more I'm going to nail you webbed feet to the floor"
Duck gulps and trotters off.

The next day the duck walks into the bar and asks "have you got any nails?"
Barman replys "no"
Duck replys "Excellent, you don't suppose you have any fish?"

It's funnier when you've spent a long period of time in a pub.

 

[bad rider]

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

He didn't have the guts to do it.

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

To show he had guts.

 

[The_Pen_is_Mightier]

Excellent jokes everyone, even if some are slightly awful, but then I did allow that. Keep them coming.

 

[messy]

Protons have mass? i didnt even know they were catholic

How many scientologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to turn the bulb the other to convince Tom they cost six thousand dollars

 

[Beefcakes]

Why couldn't the cat drink the bowl of milk?
Because it didn't have a face...

I laughed so had at that the first time I heard it

 

[Dommyboy]

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation."Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" And that's when the fight started....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?''Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.''My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'And then the fight started...

 

[squeekenator]

What's the difference between a duck?

What do an elephant and a banana have in common?
They're both yellow, except for the elephant!

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Fish!

 

[Labyrinth]

What's funnier than a dead baby?

A dead baby in a clown suit.

I'm surprised we made it to page three before this.

Joke threads are all well and good, but they turn crude very fast. The above is outright inappropriate on forums. We've got a couple with a recent miscarriage. Not cool, man. Not cool. I guess what I'm saying is that it's a public forum. Feel free to share this with your friends, but once you step outside that such things might not be as funny.

 

[tront]

Nerdy physics joke but you guys will probably get it.

A man was driving down the highway speeding. He gets pulled over by a police officer. The officer comes up to him and goes
"hey, do you know how fast you were going then?"
"Nope, but i knew exactly where i was"

*silence*

Not so much a joke as a funny t-shirt i saw. It was plain black with this printed on it. "Heisenberg was probably right"

 

[Vanguard_Ex]

A vicar goes to visit his friend Bill who is in hospital with a lung disease. He kneels by the mans side, who then takes a piece of paper off his bedside desk and frantically scribbles something down before flatlining. The vicar takes the paper with him as he leaves. Days later at the mans funeral the vicar says 'Bill was my best friend, and before he died he wrote something down for me, which I shall now read to you.' The vicar takes out the piece of paper and unfolds, then reads aloud: 'Please get up, you are kneeling on my oxygen hose.'

Ba dum tish

 

[bad rider]

Joke has all racism removed from when first heard.

Today I hit three people, one landed on the bonet another broke through the windscreen and one bounced off and flew a hundred metres. I was really nervous, fortunatly the police came down on my side. One was charged with criminal damage, another with breaking and entering and the last one for fleeing the scene of the crime.

 

[renner-08]

A priest, a vampire, and a whale walk into the bar.

The priest, having not had communion in a while, asks for some wine. The bartender complies and gives him some bread along with it.
The vampire sits down and orders a Bloody Mary, but with some real blood. The bartender complies, mixing the drink, then cutting his finger and dropping some into the drink.

The bartender looks at the whale and says, "Well Mr. Whale, what'll ya have?" The whale thinks for a moment before going WWOOOOOOOOooooooOOOOAAAAaaaOOOOO WUUUUURRRBLE GURRRBLE!!!!

....?

or did i miss something?

PST! Whales can't talk.

i figured that, but its not funny at all, and i was wondering if i missed something

thanks for clarifying

 

[bad rider]

A priest, a vampire, and a whale walk into the bar.

The priest, having not had communion in a while, asks for some wine. The bartender complies and gives him some bread along with it.
The vampire sits down and orders a Bloody Mary, but with some real blood. The bartender complies, mixing the drink, then cutting his finger and dropping some into the drink.

The bartender looks at the whale and says, "Well Mr. Whale, what'll ya have?" The whale thinks for a moment before going WWOOOOOOOOooooooOOOOAAAAaaaOOOOO WUUUUURRRBLE GURRRBLE!!!!

....?

or did i miss something?

PST! Whales can't talk.

i figured that, but its not funny at all, and i was wondering if i missed something

thanks for clarifying

Ah I see your problem, try drinking then see if it improves.

 

[renner-08]

A priest, a vampire, and a whale walk into the bar.

The priest, having not had communion in a while, asks for some wine. The bartender complies and gives him some bread along with it.
The vampire sits down and orders a Bloody Mary, but with some real blood. The bartender complies, mixing the drink, then cutting his finger and dropping some into the drink.

The bartender looks at the whale and says, "Well Mr. Whale, what'll ya have?" The whale thinks for a moment before going WWOOOOOOOOooooooOOOOAAAAaaaOOOOO WUUUUURRRBLE GURRRBLE!!!!

....?

or did i miss something?

PST! Whales can't talk.

i figured that, but its not funny at all, and i was wondering if i missed something

thanks for clarifying

Ah I see your problem, try drinking then see if it improves.

done and done.... *hic*

 

[The_Night_Walker]

Two Blondes were driving in their Ferrari to Disney world, they came across a sign that says 'Disney World Left'



So they went home