The Pickup Artist

Headsprouter

Monster Befriender
Legacy
Oct 14, 2020
8,662
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Ummm...Free to play?

EDIT: Holy bejesus i just realised early access could imply that he likes underage grillz.
 

Shocksplicer

New member
Apr 10, 2011
891
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Incredibly violent?
Overly obsessed with appearances?
Released in chunks over an extended period of time?
 

JoJo

and the Amazing Technicolour Dream Goat 🐐
Moderator
Legacy
Mar 26, 2020
7,126
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Only suitable for ages 18 or over?
 

Lvl 64 Klutz

Crowsplosion!
Apr 8, 2008
2,338
0
0
Man, this joke is gold! The punchlines are endless.

>Borrowed from a friend?
>In working condition?
>Sponsored by Doritos and Mountain Dew?
>With a $30 trade value?
>Created by Tim Schafer?
>Packaged with a manual?
>Co-op with a buddy?

Okay, I'm done.
 

RA92

New member
Jan 1, 2011
3,079
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Compatible?

Not two-dimensional?

Has low requirements?

Dumbs things down for you?

Someone your mum disapproves of?
 

Bocaj2000

New member
Sep 10, 2008
1,082
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Played with for a few weeks and then finished? Then realizing that the one before it was better?
 

Imre Csete

Original Character, Do Not Steal
Jul 8, 2010
785
0
0
I don't want to know how Open World with modding tools is going to fit in this context. :D
 

freaper

snuggere mongool
Apr 3, 2010
1,198
0
0
Rated T for teen?

I was somehow expecting a guy giving a pick-up truck an extreme makeover. This will do for now.
 

shadowxvii

New member
Jan 9, 2013
102
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There really id a lot more possibilities

- Playable with one hand ?
- Offers a great variety of hats ?
- Delayed ?
- Plug-n-play ?
- Kickstarted ?
- Developed by a multicultural team of various faiths and beliefs ?
- Reviewed by Yahtzee ?
- Used ?
- Offers hundreds of hours of gameplay ?
 

ShindoL Shill

Truely we are the Our Avatars XI
Jul 11, 2011
21,802
0
0
Overhyped?
Overpriced?
Oversexualised?
Including a good soundtrack?
With lots of moral choices that ultimately mean nothing?
With countless, near-identical sequels?
With an overly long tutorial?
Real time strategy?

Uh... with a hole you can put your dick in? I think I'm out...
 

RA92

New member
Jan 1, 2011
3,079
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Imre Csete said:
I don't want to know how Open World with modding tools is going to fit in this context. :D
Lets you walk all over him/her and provides easy access to nudity. :p
 

yellost

New member
Nov 7, 2011
25
0
0
early-access... is that promoting child abuse ? XD
Man, I was already against the practice before but this is just lighting it in a whole new way...
 

Glodenox

Eternally tweaking things
Mar 29, 2011
13
0
0
It's been a while since I've laughed so hard at a comic. Thanks for that! :)
 

shadowmagus

New member
Feb 2, 2011
435
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I've got enough friends that still play the field that I'm going to steal that pokemon line in the near future. That was simply priceless.
 

shadowxvii

New member
Jan 9, 2013
102
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RA92 said:
shadowxvii said:
- Reviewed by Yahtzee ?
More like abused by Yahtzee.
It depends if the girl/game is another Ride to Hell, or more like Portals ("tight" and full of mystery holes that leads to dangerous areas).

Also following in the Yahtzee mindset, always better with a jetpack ?
 

Ratty

New member
Jan 21, 2014
848
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Casual?
Hardcore?
(How have these not be used yet? XD)

deserteagleeye said:
Headsprouter said:
Ummm...Free to play?

EDIT: Holy bejesus i just realised early access could imply that he likes underage grillz.
I was thinking it meant something along the lines of a pre-op tranny...
Just to let you know, please don't use the word tranny. It's a derogatory term and is the equivalent of something like "fag". Though it's still better than "shemale" which as I understand was created by a paranoid TERF "feminist" who thinks that trans women were some kind of "infiltration agents" of the spooky Patriarchy. Also not all transgendered people get surgery.
 

TemperHoof

New member
Jan 14, 2013
27
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0
What? Has no one here had a Girl Friend yet? Clearly you guys missed out on the important parts:

Pay to Play
Monthly Subscription Fees
DLC
You need purchase various accessories you'll never actually use
Non-Disclosure Agreement
Alpha Testing
Beta Testing
Crowd Funding

And most importantly...

Not Backwards-Compatible

All of this can easily apply to a long-term relationship.
 

Imre Csete

Original Character, Do Not Steal
Jul 8, 2010
785
0
0
TemperHoof said:
What? Has no one here had a Girl Friend yet? Clearly you guys missed out on the important parts:

Pay to Play
Monthly Subscription Fees
DLC
You need purchase various accessories you'll never actually use
Non-Disclosure Agreement
Alpha Testing
Best Testing
Crowd Funding

And most importantly...

Not Backwards-Compatible

All of this can easily apply to a long-term relationship.
Expansion pack 9 months after release.
 

Jandau

Smug Platypus
Dec 19, 2008
5,034
0
0
Full of pointless dialogue trees?

Made in next gen?

On sale?

Highly rated by a wide variety of sources?

Repetitive?

Dumbed down?

With realistic boob physics?

With local co-op multiplayer?

Broken and non-functional on release?

Overhyped?
 

shadowxvii

New member
Jan 9, 2013
102
0
0
Can't stop the pun-train, choo-choo

- Multi-platform ?
- Exclusive ?
- Ported ?
- Collector's edition ?
- Free demo ?
- Open source ?
- Allows cheating ?
- Present on the eSport scene ?
 

Halla Burrica

New member
May 18, 2014
151
0
0
This comic is good, I wouldn't mind seeing more of the other guys and gals Erin's work's with, especially that chick who's obsessed with Firefly.. Oh, and what about that bear? Anyone remember the talking bear? Whatever happened to him? Is he still around, or did he travel to Alaska to live with his fellow bears-friends?
 

Guffe

New member
Jul 12, 2009
5,106
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This thread is pure gold!
Thank you escapist for making me laugh out loud once again!
 

Bedinsis

Elite Member
Legacy
Escapist +
May 27, 2020
507
60
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Sverige
In physical form?
Something you just play around with?
Long lasting?
Fun?
Easy to get into?
Easy to control?
Stored in a box next to others?
 

youji itami

New member
Jun 1, 2014
231
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0
Headsprouter said:
Ummm...Free to play?

EDIT: Holy bejesus i just realised early access could imply that he likes underage grillz.

Really? I thought it implied sex on a first date.
 

Not Lord Atkin

I'm dead inside.
Oct 25, 2008
648
0
0
Oh my god, that might literally be the best strip you've ever done.

It's been ages since I've actually laughed this much at something on the internet.
 

Thaluikhain

Elite Member
Legacy
Apr 4, 2020
14,657
609
118
Halla Burrica said:
This comic is good, I wouldn't mind seeing more of the other guys and gals Erin's work's with, especially that chick who's obsessed with Firefly..
Scary Penny, yeah, I liked her...huh...just realised that it might not be a coincidence that the weird creepy one is also the hardcore Firefly fan.
 

Aerosteam

Get out while you still can
Sep 22, 2011
4,267
0
0
Ooh! What about Simulation! :D

[small](Yeah, I don't know...)[/small]
 

shrekfan246

Not actually a Japanese pop star
May 26, 2011
6,374
0
0
Colour Scientist said:
Full of white guys?

Ewewewew...
I'm not sure if that's better or worse than the Nintendo alternative involving the greater roster of Super Smash Bros.

-75% off in summer and winter?
-With annoying motion controls?
-With too much exposition and not enough action?
-With confusing objectives that never help you do what you're supposed to?
-"Emoshins"?
-Puzzling?
-Scary?
-With tons of loot?
 

toms

New member
Oct 23, 2008
54
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0
This world needs more articles with both "Nolan North" and "Pokémon" tags.
 

nuba km

New member
Jun 7, 2010
5,052
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comes in a box (<- 2 jokes)
made by the same team that made others you liked
played with for 5 hours then sold to someone else
virtual reality
terrifying and lacking substance
tells you stuff in only very abstract ways

and now for a joke that makes me a bad person, read at own risk:
played with on day of release

EDIT: one more:
showers you with loot everytime you kill someone
 

warmachine

Hating everyone equally
Legacy
Apr 24, 2020
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Who on Earth holds their pint in both hands? Is he afraid it'll slip from his grasp?
 

themilo504

New member
May 9, 2010
731
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My turn.

-Includes rpg elements.
-Buggy.
-Has no sequels.
-Old but cheap.
-Derivative.
-Action adventure.
 

Alleged_Alec

New member
Sep 2, 2008
796
0
0
Lacking physical feedback?
Full of unnecessary tutorials?
Fun for the entire family?
Not meant for casuals?
With a mind-blowingly stupid plot?
 

yamy

Slayer of Hot Dogs
Aug 2, 2010
225
0
0
-On Steam?
-Easy to control?
-On the Xbone?
-2nd hand?
-in the Cloud?
-Modded?
-rated E for Everyone?
-ESBR 3+?
-Brought to you by EA?
 

Scars Unseen

^ ^ v v < > < > B A
May 7, 2009
3,028
0
0
Designed by committee
Overdeveloped graphics with no substance behind it
No replay value
A disappointing grind
Disapproved by Anita Sarkeesian
The good parts are locked behind a pay wall
Superficially reminiscent of better ones you had years ago
Nintendo Hard
Full of bugs
Compromised by a Trojan
Illegal in several countries
Cross platform
 

The Artificially Prolonged

Random Semi-Frequent Poster
Jul 15, 2008
2,755
0
0
Hm let's see;

- Limited edition
- 60 fps
- Better with kinect
- Unforseen consequences
- Branching dialogue
- 80% off
- Pay what you want
- Subscription service
- Achievements
- With silent protaganist

Yeah I think I'm done.
 

Sealpower

New member
Jun 7, 2010
172
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0
Abandonware?
3 for 2 from the bin in the back of the shop?
Requiring dedicated extra hardware?

Yeah, I'm done too.
 

deserteagleeye

New member
Sep 8, 2010
1,678
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Ratty said:
Just to let you know, please don't use the word tranny. It's a derogatory term and is the equivalent of something like "fag". Though it's still better than "shemale" which as I understand was created by a paranoid TERF "feminist" who thinks that trans women were some kind of "infiltration agents" of the spooky Patriarchy. Also not all transgendered people get surgery.
I'm gonna say I know and I don't care...to both.
 

Skeleon

New member
Nov 2, 2007
5,410
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A sand box?
...ouch.

EDIT: Yeah, it seems no one used this one in three pages yet!
 

CaitSeith

Formely Gone Gonzo
Legacy
Apr 14, 2020
5,164
153
68
Seeking to please mainly 12 year old kids? That... didn't sound right.
 

Malbourne

Ari!
Sep 4, 2013
1,183
0
0
Features...a...horde mode?

Needs to have a handheld?

Has crowd-tested been taken?

...Surprisingly deep...

...Great comic guys!
 

Darth_Payn

New member
Aug 5, 2009
2,868
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Erin: worst wing mate EVER.
Wait! I got a couple. Lots of action and tells an exciting story?
 

sageoftruth

New member
Jan 29, 2010
3,417
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youji itami said:
Headsprouter said:
Ummm...Free to play?

EDIT: Holy bejesus i just realised early access could imply that he likes underage grillz.

Really? I thought it implied sex on a first date.
Nah, I'm with Headsprouter on this one. Since Early Access means available before ready for use, I took "ready for use" to mean "at the age of consent".
 

sageoftruth

New member
Jan 29, 2010
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Won't let you play unless you have the right toys?

Motion-sensitive?

Constantly derided by groups of women?

Despised by Jack Thompson?
 

Erttheking

Member
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It took me a little bit to get it, but now I've got a massive shit eating grin on my face.

(Just doing the same thing over and over again? Shooting in the first two seconds?)
 

reverse_rpm

New member
Jan 8, 2014
28
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The joke that keeps on giving indeed

-Requiring a huge knowledge of the lore...
-Highly advertised...
- xD dungeon crawler...
-catering to a specific audience

- *insanity wolf* KICK-STARTEED !!

- without a tutorial
- Bundled with another game
- Including a pet system
- Released after a long developement

- *rainbow-eyed* WITH A DRAGONN !!
 

shadowstriker86

New member
Feb 12, 2009
2,159
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Contextually speaking, she's not out of his league. How can you tell? Simple, look at her expression and how she's placed: Alone, by herself and quite honestly looks depressed as hell like she just saw a kid with progeria try to catch a nerf football after just having ran over a sack of kittens
 

KaZuYa

New member
Mar 23, 2013
191
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0
Polished but utterly misleading preview sub par looks and full of bugs when you get the real thing
 

Ritchian

Wait, what?
Jul 29, 2009
37
0
0
I think most of the best ones have been said, but hmm....

- Missing key features?
- On sale?
- E for everyone?
- Grindy?
- All over YouTube?
 

renegade7

New member
Feb 9, 2011
2,046
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0
"Early access? What do you...oh, god..."

I have a few!

"Front loading!"
"Smooth textures"
"Quick touch response"
"Not buggy"
"Free from a sketchy torrent site!"
"T for teen"
"Easy to install rumble pack"
 

Something Amyss

Aswyng and Amyss
Dec 3, 2008
24,760
0
0
Annual iterations?
Owned by large companies?
Multiple difficulty settings?
Open Source?

Man, I'm surprised this comic wasn't thirty pages (not panels) long just for the zingers!
 

RaikuFA

New member
Jun 12, 2009
4,371
0
0
Headsprouter said:
Ummm...Free to play?

EDIT: Holy bejesus i just realised early access could imply that he likes underage grillz.
I thought it meant she puts out on the first date. Or she has videos of herself on the web.
 

AkaDad

New member
Jun 4, 2011
398
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0
Played with 3 other people.
Rented.
With peripherals.
On a 2 for 1 sale.
Modded.
Discounted.
 

Something Amyss

Aswyng and Amyss
Dec 3, 2008
24,760
0
0
Grahav said:
If I were their friends I would remind them not put it in crazy assholes.
They probably wouldn't listen.

Besides, I don't think it'd make any difference. Erin burns things down because she's bored. It's not like she's going to set you on more firererer for not calling in the morning.

Objectable said:
Can we see more of Erin in that dress? She looks kind of adorable.
Erin in a dress is awesome.
 

Naqel

New member
Nov 21, 2009
345
0
0
Headsprouter said:
EDIT: Holy bejesus i just realised early access could imply that he likes underage grillz.
Or the type that goes: "Sex first, names later."
 

Grahav

New member
Mar 13, 2009
1,129
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0
Zachary Amaranth said:
Grahav said:
If I were their friends I would remind them not put it in crazy assholes.
They probably wouldn't listen.

Besides, I don't think it'd make any difference. Erin burns things down because she's bored. It's not like she's going to set you on more firererer for not calling in the morning.
Considering how she is, I think it is more probable that she would be the one not to call.
 

mysecondlife

New member
Feb 24, 2011
2,142
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Playstation (Now)
Share Play
Action adventure
Shooter
Piracy
Grinding
Region lock :(

--

THIS MUST CONTINUE!
 

Something Amyss

Aswyng and Amyss
Dec 3, 2008
24,760
0
0
Grahav said:
Considering how she is, I think it is more probable that she would be the one not to call.
Either way, your ass is on fire, so why not just enjoy the ride?

DarklordKyo said:
sharware?
Might want to add some text to avoid a low content warning. Not flaming, just trying to help.
 

Grahav

New member
Mar 13, 2009
1,129
0
0
Zachary Amaranth said:
Grahav said:
Considering how she is, I think it is more probable that she would be the one not to call.
Either way, your ass is on fire, so why not just enjoy the ride?

[
Exactly. Why she doesn't let her friend and the red women see if they would like to fire up their genitalias? It is like she is cockblocking the guy out of jealousy because she can't get dick.

What a jerk.
 

Nurb

Cynical bastard
Dec 9, 2008
3,078
0
0
The more time goes on, the more she shows herself to be a sad, bitter person who needs to bring down others for attempting to achieve greater success.

So she's perfect for the video game industry!
 

Olas

Hello!
Dec 24, 2011
3,226
0
0
Backwards compatible?

Oh no wait, that's consoles

Highly replayable?
DRM enabled?
Broken AI?

I'm not very good at this.

Open world?
Yearly releases.

I give up.
 

Draconalis

New member
Sep 11, 2008
1,586
0
0
TopazFusion said:
This is legit the first thing that came to mind.

I'm glad you said it so I didn't have to possible incur the wraith of low post content.
 

Oly J

New member
Nov 9, 2009
1,259
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0
composed principally of plastic?

entirely digital?

in a box with a manual?

text based?

adventurous and with as little dialogue as possible?

um...easily pirated?
 

conmag9

New member
Aug 4, 2008
570
0
0
The burn-to-dialogue ratio is near 1:1 Cap'n! She cannae take any more snark!

*Erin's mental engine room explodes*
 

truckspond

New member
Oct 26, 2013
403
0
0
This really is the joke that keeps on giving. I am bracing for the large amount of "low content" warnings resulting from the majority of posts in this thread.

That being said: Here are my contributions to the joke

...

ummm...

They've all been said...
 

Haru17

New member
Mar 1, 2014
190
0
0
Like Dark Souls; cold and unloving!

Seriously a great joke set up, best comic in weeks!
 

Something Amyss

Aswyng and Amyss
Dec 3, 2008
24,760
0
0
conmag9 said:
The burn-to-dialogue ratio is near 1:1 Cap'n! She cannae take any more snark!

*Erin's mental engine room explodes*
I have images of Stark-Trek explosions with Link and Kratos leaping...Err, being blown off screen as Marcus Fenix tries to hold it together (looking all grizzled as he does) and NeoDante growls "FUCK YOOOOOU" and the viewscreen.
 

The Ditz

Lord of the Never There
Dec 18, 2012
64
0
0
Every is area explorable?
...has a wide range of personalities; including, but not limited to Sean Connery?
comes with peripherals?
 

xxobot

New member
Jun 2, 2014
57
0
0
Abandoned by the publisher at release?
Padded for length?
Over-hyped and under-developed?
Hated by parents?
Large marketing budget to make up for the many deficiencies?
Repetitive game-play?
Community supported?
Mindless?
A senseless self-parody?
Lies to you in the trailer?
Hides content behind a pay-wall?
Requires unique accessories to use?
A clone of something better?
Drop-in multi-player?
Player driven?
Well reviewed?
Friend recommended?
'Borrowed'?
Dark and foreboding?
Girlfriend approved?
 

Skatologist

Choke On Your Nazi Cookies
Jan 25, 2014
628
0
0
Personal preferences:

borrowed from a friend?

fun for the whole family?

includes a good narrative?

makes me feel bad about myself?

very easy?

hidden gem?
 

MrHide-Patten

New member
Jun 10, 2009
1,309
0
0
I like my women like I like my games, full of white dudes in their mid thirties... wait no, thats the exact oppsite of what I LIKE!

...Full of blood and gore?
 

reverse_rpm

New member
Jan 8, 2014
28
0
0
Good thing this punchline wasn't delivered by a guy.
We'd be snarkling in the comments, trying to find the best release date joke =,)).
 

Caiphus

Social Office Corridor
Mar 31, 2010
1,181
0
0
Young and with daddy issues?

Wait... I don't think I'm doing it right.
 

Grahav

New member
Mar 13, 2009
1,129
0
0
Nurb said:
The more time goes on, the more she shows herself to be a sad, bitter person who needs to bring down others for attempting to achieve greater success.

So she's perfect for the video game industry!
*zing*

Well, she is already acting like a perfect white knight saving women from men who want to *gasp* have sex with them.
 

The Wooster

King Snap
Jul 15, 2008
15,305
0
0
I assumed "early access" simply means "will have sex with you on the first date", but reading the comments here, I'm blissfully innocent.

Anyway, pretty good strip. XD
 

optimusjamie

New member
Jul 14, 2012
111
0
0
I like my lovers like I like my games...
They may have looked good around 1993, but they really haven't aged well.
 

Mr Companion

New member
Jul 27, 2009
1,534
0
0
Standalone?
Dramatic?
Yearly Release? (you poor bastard)
Power fantasy?
Anti Climactic?
Predictable?
Pretentious?
Hard to get into?
Accessible?
 

grey_space

Magnetic Mutant
Apr 16, 2012
455
0
0
Compatible with xbox controller?

Comes with 'iconic' hat?

Can only be played with mouse and keyboard?

Has scored 95 on Metacritic?

Has an Enchanced Edition?

Bought in a Steam Sale?

Requires Windows 8 to function?


I love this thread.

Breath of fresh air.
 

Groverfield

New member
Jul 4, 2011
119
0
0
Arbitrarily lengthened?
Episodic?
Dramatic?
Broken?
Loaded with Testosterone?

ooh, I think i got another one for the first half: so far out of your league you'd only be feeding.

Charles Phipps said:
Erin just wants him for herself.
Or her for herself. I don't think it's been established either way, especially after headLink went all daterapey.

Edit:
Early Access could also mean anonymous in terms of relationships (action before/without dating)
15 years development?
8-bit?
Blocky?
Chrismas release?
*****-64?
Variable Definition?
 

Charles Phipps

New member
Oct 12, 2013
68
0
0
Or her for herself. I don't think it's been established either way, especially after headLink went all daterapey.
I hope, like me, Erin has just blocked that entire thing out.