I feel disconnected from humanity. Possibly from reality. Nah, scratch that. I don't think I've quite gotten that bad.
I am not like normal people. That much is true. Fact, pure, complete, truth. Whether I really am physically abnormal or I'm just hard on myself, maybe one day I'll get up the courage to let you judge. Which you mean letting you judge my youtube...*shudders*. But my mind is a million miles from the norm. Better, worse? Probably one or the other in multiple areas, but I don't know. It is different. I look at things different, I think different, that I actually think would seem to set me apart from a lot of people these days. People think, of course, but they don't think a lot. They don't think in depth. Then again, maybe I'm wrong. I've been wrong before. As much as I love to tell people I'm always right, it's part joking and part to make people confident about me, that they can trust me, which most of the time, they can.
I've been wrong, so wrong. I made rules about people, about interacting with them, groups, risk levels, likeliness of hostility, severity of threat, I could've written a book. "The human survival guide". I realised pretty much when going to uni a lot of it was wrong, which was great, except for that I like that kind of structure, and now I don't know what to think. Part of me thinks, part of me knows, that there is some kind of trick, a "knack" to it, to social interaction, to being human that I don't get, a secret unknowingly held by all those around me, to the point where they couldn't tell me even if they wanted to, because they don't conciously know it themselves.
The wierd thing about said ongoing quest, is that I honestly don't know why I need to keep doing it. I have friends, I'm not sure how it happened, but it happened, I'm popular, incredibly so. Was I just myself? It would seem too "hollywood" to be true.
I'm rambling. I look at normal people, and I don't know how they work. I don't get all the contradictions. The body language is puzzling, even the words, sometimes. It's hard to explain, but I barely even feel human. What do I feel like? God knows, but something else.
It's funny, I used to see it that other people weren't quite human. That something went missing from them. The zombie apocalypse had already happened, and a peace treaty was signed when they switched from eating brains to eating heat magazines and over-expensive branded clothing.
I don't know when it changed, but I realised, they were normal. They were human. I was the one that didn't make sense, the one with a f***ed childhood leading to a f***ed brain.
The wierdest thing is, that sometimes that feels better. I can, to a certain extent, do something about myself. I can't take millions of "sub humans" and replace the missing thing that I don't know about.
And things are so much more interesting like this. Look at other people. They're boring to you, but fascinating to me. Annoying, stupid, perhaps, but fascinating. I collect information all the time, observations, a bit by bit picture of the actions of homo-erectus-normalus. I could be wrong. I am wrong, a lot. The thrill is in the chase, never in the capture.
They don't make sense. But it is interesting.
Then there's these times. I sometimes just feel alone. So incredibly alone. Only one of my "kind", as such. Even my wierd friends, the company I intentionally keep, are normal by comparison.
I feel apart from it. Not above, not below, not better, not worse, but different, and that in itself is wonderful and terrible.
Gah. It makes no sense, but then again if it did, wouldn't I just be bored?
And also, I want to get a start on warhammer books (as opposed to my usual 40K novels) but the local bookstore, wh smith doesn't have them. They have a sale on, but the people there couldn't tell me when it ends. And I was rejected for a job there...honestly, I didn't think the interview went THAT badly.
And there's nothing good on telly. Really, nothing. Not on freeview, anyway...
