Wanting another guy's girl

[The Human Torch]

Tough luck really. Suck it up and set your sights for another girl.

 

[-Ulven-]

Don't ruin a relationship for your own sexual needs. There are enough girls out there.

 

[ProtoChimp]

I certainly hope I'm not the only one who is in this boat. There's a girl who I'm pretty much besotted with but she's been in a really long relationship with another guy that doesn't look like it will end any time soon.

Anyway, I'm good friends with this guy so I would never want those two to break up as they're really good together, but at the same time I really wish I was with her.

So have you guys ever had an experience like this / are experiencing this?

P.S - Girls, I know this can work the other way round too, it would be good to get your thoughts too.

Yeah, I've been there. Actually, I'll do you one better (or worse, whichever).

So, as probably everyone in the forums knows by now, I'm bi. Several years ago, there was this really really attractive girl in the theater department who I wanted really badly. We had wonderful chemestry, she was great to hang out with. So I asked her out. Turns out, she wasn't gay (or bi) and had no interest in me (but still wanted to be friends). I also had this male friend who I liked, (I was totally crushing on him), and I would flirt with him a lot, but he wasn't all that interested in me because he saw us as just friends and he wanted his first time to be with someone special who he was in love with. Fair enough.

So this girl, who I like, and this guy, who's my friend, who I like, meet each other through me - and start dating. And start sleeping together. I should mention that I was in a co-ed dorm, and his room was across the hall from mine, so when I went out to the bathroom or whatever I could HEAR them having sex when I walked past his room. This goes on for months - I got so frustrated that I started going out with this other guy who I had no real interest in (he asked me out, so I figured what the hell) just so I could have a distraction.

So not only were two of my friends dating, and not only did I want to date both of them, but I'm the one who accidently introduced them to one another and got them to start dating in the first place. Cue the Alanis.

Anyway, yeah, that situation always sucks. My heart goes out to you - and hopefully my former misery will make you feel slightly better due to the schedenfreuda (sorry, can't spell german words worth crap).

Good lord that is so sad ;( I hope when you said former misery you mean it's better now, Fuck... you know what never mind I need to stop prying into people's private lives, I'm being rude.

 

[Bobipine]

From my experience, how little it might actually be. You are screwed, simple as that, unless you can actually move on.

You know the couple and hesitate, good chance you are friend with both, and if it ever do go down, well the "current" boyfriend might count on you as a support or something and you won't be able to play your cards with the love interest, because it might be seen as a dick move by many.

Then, you keep your eye open for signs from the love interest, fate tease you a lot but probably in vain and you too get shot down for getting your hope up. Depending on the degree of interest in the person, you'll think about the situation and what you could have done better a lot, years later (hopefully it'll stop, you might think it did after a while, but no, it'll come back).

So your best bet is probably to move on the best you can, hope they stay together if they both seem happy, and wish they don't ironically want you to be the guy who keep speaking and makes speeches at the wedding.

 

[emeraldrafael]

<spoiler=Not, I repeat, NOT how I feel>http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_woU5s2fwbZo/SultT7zw5zI/AAAAAAABNx8/66M8P4SQU7E/s400/Couragewolf26.jpg

This is why I dont encourage/endorse Courage Wolf.

So more seriously. One of my better friends was in that spot with the girl I was with. He flat out told me his opinion, and I respected it, though I told him not to do anyhting that would mess up our friendship, since it would mess up hers with us and hurt her too.

And of course, he said yes, but told me if the chance arose, he would swoop in and be there, and I said of course. And the girl had no knowledge of any of this (at least we didnt tell her, but she has a way of picking up on things). Then she died, so the world had its way of working things out I suppose.

So, OT, i dont know. I'd be honest with your friend, but not tell her. Just let him know how you feel, but dont say you'll be there to get her if they break up. That will make it worse. Just say that you like her, and be honest, but that you want them to succeed as a relationship. Besides, maybe you'll meet another girl you really like, and will make all this invalid.

 

[Joseph Harrison]

Yeah I'm in that position right now because I'm wicked close with my friend and it doesn't make it any easier that no one knows and the girl is kinda wierd in that she is a very physical person so she hugs me all the time.

 

[Droppa Deuce]

On that boat right now. =(

My advice, get off it.

Chicks will dig the extra attention and may even encourage it. But if she's with another dude, it's for a reason: SHE LIKES HIM.

OP: Don't be a chump. Get another chick asap and lessen contact with this other one, you're just torturing yourself; and trust me, she'ss know you like her. Girls can pick up on that stuff (unless you're void of showing emotion in front of her).

 

[Icarion (aka Stockholm)]

Well, there's this one guy who was hitting really hard on my girlfriend... And then we started dating. And then she told me about it, but hes cool (I geuss, haven't met him). And I thinkn they're still friends.

 

[FamoFunk]

I can honestly say I've never seen in this situation, but I have had someone who's felt like this to me.

I bet it's not nice at all, and I'm glad you're not willing to fuck up with they have and what you have with both of them.

I hope you start to like someone else, instead, who you have a shot with, soon.

 

[TheYellowCellPhone]

These situations should always be delt with the saying "bros before hoes".

Never happened to me.

 

[nunqual]

I've been in that position once. I didn't do anything about it because they were such a happy couple. You just have to get over it. Interfering will fuck everything up bigtime.

 

[Smooth Operator]

-

I used to do that acting cold thing, but it always ended up in my friend actually asking me if I had a problem with her, to which I would usually say no but then he would be baffled as to why I was like this. So in a sense, even acting cold betrayed how I felt about some of those girls.

Now I just act nice to them regardless, there are some guys who are jealous arse holes even if you never talk to the girl but those guys never tend to do anything about it other than post passive aggressive things on their facebook status' and not invite you to their parties or something.

But yeah, this girl doesn't know I like her and neither does he, I've only told two people I think and asked them to keep it secret.

You shouldn't have a problem explaining why you act cold, I certainly don't, simple fact is when you find someone attractive infatuation sneaks in eventually, keeping distance is a surefire way to prevent it.
Being nice... damn that goes bad, every single time for me.

 

[Sleekgiant]

... Well, sort of, but I'm kinda sleeping with her behind his back, so... my... condolences?

I can only see this as being your face when you sleep with her...

Anyways, never been in that situation because well....I just don't want anyone.

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

**snip**

Good lord that is so sad ;( I hope when you said former misery you mean it's better now, Fuck... you know what never mind I need to stop prying into people's private lives, I'm being rude.

No, it's fine - I wouldn't have posted it on an internet forum if I wasn't comfortable talking about it.

And yes, this was about ten years ago now. The two of them dated for a while, but then broke up (he dumped her). I, in a moment I'm not particularly proud of, dumped the guy I dated while they were together, and (since he no longer had any virginity to save) I made another play for him.

We were actually together for a little while, but, well, he was kind of an asshole. So we broke up.

My female friend was upset when I was dating him, but when she saw him do the same thing to me that he did to her, she forgave me. We've been friends since. We actually used to hang out with him, but after we all graduated we didn't stay in touch with him.

 

[white_salad]

You gotta move on, bro. If he's your friend, you don't touch his woman. Bros before hos.

Plenty of other fish in the sea.

What does this have to do with fish? How is this supposed to help this man's predicament?

Remember kids, all posts should be served with a heaping helping of sarcasm!

 

[Ungenericteen]

I think this "boat" is more of a cruz ship, we all have been there

 

[Lawbringer]

I have just got off this boat myself and believe me, it's not a pretty ride whichever way you look at it.

Here are the outcomes if you try to 'win' someone who is in a happy relationship:

a) You fail miserably. This is the most likely outcome as she is not going to want to leave a good relationship for anyone else. Would you leave someone you were in love with and happy to be with? It will also cause tension between you all and likely lead to you being phased out of their lives, meaning you will lose any future opportunity.

b) You manage to break them up, but she thinks it will be 'too weird' going out with his best friend as awkwardness would ensue. She ends up disappearing from both of your lives.

c) You break them up and she goes out with you for a while. Shortly the spell wears off when the guy begs her to come back and she pities him. She hopes you will still 'be friends' but of course it will not work out that way. You will never be able to speak to the guy again and their relationship will end destructively down the line - something she will blame you for. <-- Speaking from experience

d) The Happy outcome: She leaves her boyfriend for you, telling you how much happier you make her and how she is glad she made the choice to pick you over him.
but...
you will never be able to quell the niggling doubt that if she was so happy with him, how did she leave him so easily? Does that mean she is a liar/cheat and therefore might she do the same to you? The fact you 'stole' her in the first place implies you approve of this sort of behaviour, and lets face it - you won't have a leg to stand on if some guy does to you exactly as you did to your friend. Perhaps she will never betray you like she did to her previous lover...but...how do you know that?

In short, even the happy ending is likely to lead to paranoia in the long run. I am not saying you shouldn't want her, but you should genuinely try to work out what's best for her. If you honestly believe you would make her happier than your friend and you have no qualms working against him, then you will have to do the rather underhand thing of sabotaging their relationship with a few well-placed words and suggestions.

After she has become single (quite a while after if you want to retain the guy's friendship), you can start to confess your feelings for her (gently does it, don't let her know the true depths of your obsession until much later). Most importantly of all: no-one but the escapist should know of your dastardly plot as it is sneaky and underhand.

Failing all that? Just wait and see what happens. If they break up naturally then by all means pounce. If not, then it is harmless to feel the way you do - just never never never admit it to her, especially not while drunk and crying at some party...!

Spoiler: That was far too waffly, Oliver. Isn't there a short version of your thoughts on the matter?

Spoiler: Why certainly - here it is...

Don't try to steal someone's girlfriend from under their feet, especially a friend. Not to debate the moral issues, but merely the practical one. It is almost certainly going to end in tears, and some of them will probably be yours.

If you absolutely must be a bastard, then be careful of what comes of dissuading your girlfriend that loyalty is a desirable attribute

PS - This all comes from bitter experience. The first *and last* time I try to do something underhand. It's not very...me! Liked a girl. She was in a relationship but she liked me too. Pounced far too early and ended up messing up the whole thing. Now they're back together (although constantly arguing) and I never see her.

...Bugger...!

 

[OrokuSaki]

Happens all the time, but there is one thing you should know, I'm not saying to INCITE the events leading to their breakup, but if they break up, go for it. If she's happy leave her be, but don't blow her off.

You see, everyone claims "Bros before hos" but that's clearly a lie, relationships ALWAYS change things and you know it as well as I do. And honestly, if you REALLY care about her, life's too short to not take the opportunities presented.

My advice: Be a friend to them both, bide your time, and if the situation ever presents itself, go for it. Until then, try to focus your attention elsewhere without ignoring your friends.

Its not clearly a lie. Its actually founded on some solid reasoning, Friends are people you choose, your best friend is someone who you in sobriety and clearness of mind connect with. Whereas a partner the minds clouded by emotions (notably lust) so the reasoned choice isnt always obvious. The bro's before Ho's thing alleviates this , rather than risking something that MIGHT (and it is always only might) be good for something you KNOW is good (unless you pick terrible friends).

I'm aware of the concept, I'm simply stating that in the constant war between spending time with your friends or spending time with someone who's having sex with you, the member of the opposite gender always wins. Unless your friend is a person of the opposite gender that you care about MORE than the person you're sleeping with.

Example: My girlfriend's best friend is practically her sister, then she met me and she and her friend stopped talking for months.

So while it's based on sound logic and people SHOULD obey it, people don't.

 

[bulbasaur]

Pfft shows what you know, id totaly do the exact same in his situation. If a guy cares about a girl having another guy steal them would mess with their head its possibly the worst feeling ever. Any guy who steals a girl totaly deserves a serious beating. And the same goes for a guy cheating on his girlfriend. Cheating or making somebody cheat is a massive dick move, i totaly condone the the beating of people that do it.

And that's why you belong in a high security prison.

Yeh well im a restrained person, i wouldent attack people for petty resons. But seriously if you have a girl you actualy really care about stolen from you and you dont want to cause pain to the person that was responsible. Your not a bloody human, you obviously dont know what its like.
Cheating can really mess a person up, cause just as much mental pain as the physical pain of a beating. It could potentialy mess with a persons confidence or self esteem and leave them socialy crippled.
In my opinion that deserves a punishment but the law wouldent do anything about it so whats there left to do but take it into your own hands?
But dont get me wrong if the girls a slag or the boyfriend was a dick to her then forget about it.

 

[ProtoChimp]

**snip**

Good lord that is so sad ;( I hope when you said former misery you mean it's better now, Fuck... you know what never mind I need to stop prying into people's private lives, I'm being rude.

No, it's fine - I wouldn't have posted it on an internet forum if I wasn't comfortable talking about it.

And yes, this was about ten years ago now. The two of them dated for a while, but then broke up (he dumped her). I, in a moment I'm not particularly proud of, dumped the guy I dated while they were together, and (since he no longer had any virginity to save) I made another play for him.

We were actually together for a little while, but, well, he was kind of an asshole. So we broke up.

My female friend was upset when I was dating him, but when she saw him do the same thing to me that he did to her, she forgave me. We've been friends since. We actually used to hang out with him, but after we all graduated we didn't stay in touch with him.

Wow, no offence but that just seemed so woobie-ish. [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TheWoobie] It sounds like you needed a giant teddy bear to hug all it out. And your profile picture doesn't help.