Weird girl troubles

[Outright Villainy]

I'd say cut ties. I don't think closure will help much in this kind of situation, and seeking contact with her again will probably make things more unpleasant.

You just need to keep in mind, that she cut ties with you without an explanation, in a pretty forceful manner. Like you said, you can't really trust her, and you shouldn't have to put with that shit from anyone. If she wants to contact you again, let her make the first move. I wouldn't recommend even being friends with her again though, unless she has a damn good excuse. If it's just something like "Oh I felt pressured at work" or whatever, then it's inexcusable.

You need to try and burn the bridge here.

 

[Wolfram23]

You didn't really say it but I gather you moved away for Colledge? Maybe she was interested and then you moved away, which she took to mean "sorry, I don't like you"? And now she's mad...?

Something I considered, but thing is I didn't move far away to merit that reaction (at least from my point of view). Only far enough to live on campus and make school easier for me since I am taking 15+ credit hours at the very least, but I can visit on weekends and some weekdays if I really wanted to. Plus, this is my second year here, and the same situation as far as travel goes, and we had no problems maintaining ties the first year, before this shit hit the fan.

Well, could be that she was waiting for you to make a move on her in that first year or something, got fed up, and found a boyfriend. Could be an overreaction, if she did really like you, to keep herself from falling for you again (ie: trying to get over you). You never know. I'd say maybe send her a message telling her your feelings, or just forget about her. If you send a message and no reply/bad reply, no biggie, because you gotta get over her one way or the other. Or, if it's a good reply, then there you go... case closed either way.

 

[JUMBO PALACE]

Your confusion and anger are definitely justified. I'm not sure what would suddenly change her attitude so quickly, and I'm sorry that she's being a royal ***** to you. Maybe she doesn't want to get caught up in a long distance relationship? You said you were at college right?

I know you want closure, and I think that's all you can expect at this point, at the very best. I don't think you and her will ever have a relationship after this debacle, and I'm pretty sure you already knew that. Give it some time. Maybe she'll tell you on her own.

Edit: Just read the post above me. Well since you didn't even more that far my theory is kind of moot. Then again, I come home from college almost every weekend and it's still not enough for my girlfriend :/ She's very clingy and I'm thinking about ending it, but that's a different thread from a different time. Anyway, she just sounds like a girl who doesn't know what she wants.

 

[Hader]

maybe she's been having a few issues that she doesn't want to mention to anyone. If so better off being nice, not acting like a jerk ( which you probably don't) and not asking here about it. Let her say it if she wants to in time. If not just try and regain your friendship with her, it's worth more than getting your heart broken.

I am. The way I see it, I have done my part, and further additions are not up to me to begin.

There is one thing you don't seem to have tried. You could try to talk to her boyfriend. Who knows, it could lead to some revelation about this new attitude.

Considering I could find who he actually is. Though I don't think that could be good. I haven't heard the best things about him, and while it's not always best to go off hearsay, I think confronting him randomly would piss of both of them more so that not. Neither of them seem to be acting completely rationally lately anyways.

It's shit that your friendship took a complete 180 in such a short period of time, but eventually this won't be something that you care to feel confused or frustrated about. Although it'd be easier to find that 'sense of closure' I doubt you'd get it by trying to talk to her, and understand why she acted the way she did.

You are probably right, as much as I have a small urge to try and talk to her and sort things out, there's a bigger part of me that want's to lay any of those burdens on her. Seems a bit cruel to me at first, but in hindsight, I have little else to do and I feel plenty justified in being the more innocent party here.

I'd say cut ties. I don't think closure will help much in this kind of situation, and seeking contact with her again will probably make things more unpleasant.

You just need to keep in mind, that she cut ties with you without an explanation, in a pretty forceful manner. Like you said, you can't really trust her, and you shouldn't have to put with that shit from anyone. If she wants to contact you again, let her make the first move. I wouldn't recommend even being friends with her again though, unless she has a damn good excuse. If it's just something like "Oh I felt pressured at work" or whatever, then it's inexcusable.

You need to try and burn the bridge here.

The bridge is burning, that's for sure. After reading what you say though, I find it funny that I am 100% confident in guessing what her first excuse could be to me. Which you got almost spot on as well.

Well, could be that she was waiting for you to make a move on her in that first year or something, got fed up, and found a boyfriend. Could be an overreaction, if she did really like you, to keep herself from falling for you again (ie: trying to get over you). You never know. I'd say maybe send her a message telling her your feelings, or just forget about her. If you send a message and no reply/bad reply, no biggie, because you gotta get over her one way or the other. Or, if it's a good reply, then there you go... case closed either way.

To clarify, that first year she was still in a relationship with her ex. Despite the distance though we maintained a better friendship than some of my friends I was even going to school with. We hung out whenever I did visit and talked at least a little bit every single day.

Your confusion and anger are definitely justified. I'm not sure what would suddenly change her attitude so quickly, and I'm sorry that she's being a royal ***** to you. Maybe she doesn't want to get caught up in a long distance relationship? You said you were at college right?

I know you want closure, and I think that's all you can expect at this point, at the very best. I don't think you and her will ever have a relationship after this debacle, and I'm pretty sure you already knew that. Give it some time. Maybe she'll tell you on her own.

Edit: Just read the post above me. Well since you didn't even more that far my theory is kind of moot. Then again, I come home from college almost every weekend and it's still not enough for my girlfriend :/ She's very clingy and I'm thinking about ending it, but that's a different thread from a different time. Anyway, she just sounds like a girl who doesn't know what she wants.

Yes, I did move away for college, but like I said the distance was fairly small, I would say. Enough for me to visit whenever I wanted, I just moved on campus because it would have been more costly in time and money to have stayed at home and driven 1-2 hours to school each day. And she never brought up any concern over the fact that I was away like that, so I never got the impression that distance mattered to her. I even asked her about it once, and she said it was of no concern to her. Don't know if that's true now, but still. OH, and on top of that, her old boyfriend also lived about an hour or so away from her, and they got to see each other only once a week at best. Seeing as that went on for two years I really got no impressions that distance was a huge problem to her. Annoying perhaps, but doable.

 

[MassiveGeek]

All I can really say about this, since you seem to be coping with it really well, is that be happy she didn't do this AFTER dating you for a while.

Maybe she didn't want to be TOO cruel and just cut it off before it went to far.

Or she's just stupid.

Who knows?

 

[Jaded Scribe]

Closure helps a lot.

I'd give a couple more weeks with no contact to let her simmer down, then shoot her an email that calmly, politely explains your feelings about her turning on you after something you felt was no big deal, and ask her what's up.

Don't contact her any more after that, and let her come to you.

From what you've said, it sounds like she is currently making some poor choices right now. It's possible that she's pushing you away because deep down she knows these are bad decisions, and she knows you would agree with her on that. So she's angry with you because she knows you're right. This isn't your fault. No one likes to hear that they're wrong, and it seems to be harder to hear when you know the other person is right.

 

[Hader]

A small update, if anyone sees much relevence in it:

A random little encounter with her on facebook (yeah I know, facebook drama ooohhhaahhh blah blah blah). Actually, it was more funny to me. Anyways, one of our mutual friends (also from our old workplace) got his facebook 'hacked' by a friend and they posted a few penis joke status updates on his profile. So naturally, we start making fun of him. One of my friends makes fun of him for letting it happen, as do I, and she randomly comments about her boyfriend being at this party (which they are all apparently at, I think) and how she doesn't want any bullshit from his friends on it (also to clarify, the friend who got 'hacked' is NOT her boyfriend, only a mutual friend, and I guess her boyfriend just happened to be at the same party this mutual friend was at). So despite this random comment (also not like her to say something like that either), the rest of my friends kinda ignore it and continue poking fun at it. Apparently, that made her mad.

So it is bad that I laughed?

 

[altobizzaro]

Take it from an old black smith, that girls trouble...

 

[Zaik]

Now from my standpoint, I cannot see how she would justify building up our relationship to that point only to crash and burn it so quickly and suddenly. I stopped trying to speculate on her reasons for this but I can't help but think now if she maybe regrets being harsh about it...which I think is putting it mildly at best, but that's just my standpoint, however bias it sounds. At the very least, even if she truly hates my guts now, I can't see us going on with the rest of our lives without saying another word to each other, we were such good friends and to let all that go with a simple "Fuck off" just doesn't seem like how it will really end someday. I guess I can't decide whether to look forward to even the most bitter closure on it possible, or put it all behind and never think of it again. Honestly, I can do either. I feel fine, just a bit confused I guess.

Welcome to women.

They do irrational shit like that all the time. If you just want a free ride, catch her once whatshisface gets tired of screwing her and leaves her for someone his own age. If you're looking for a relationship, look for someone else entirely because that one is already ruined and won't be in a relevant relationship with someone equal to her until she's 36, has three kids, and is trying to get married to someone as pathetic as she is.

 

[Lyri]

I had originally posted this in another thread of a similar question but I guess it warrants its own thread for now. Copy pasted the text I posted too, let me know if I am too vague somewhere.



Right now the state is that of her ignoring me, after telling me to fuck off a few times when I tried to be nice and reasonable to her. So we stopped talking, and haven't talked in about a month now. As far as moving on, I would say I'm good in that department. There is one thing that gets at me though...and that's just closure, I guess. Thing is, we were reeeeeeeally good friends, and we met each other when she started working at the grocery store I had been working at for two years. Eventually we became good friends, and by coincidence I ended up mentoring her in everything I had learned, so we really developed a bond that went past a simple friendship. And for two years after just that, we were good friends, with only a few on-off moments of 'discontent' with each other.

I guess the important catch here is that we never actually went out. At the time I met her she was in a long-standing relationship, but I think it's safe to label that as shaky, at best. And after we really started to hit it off as friends, we both made it pretty clear that we were attracted to each other...mind you, I was very careful not to come off as trying to steal her from her boyfriend or anything. I wouldn't do anything to anyone that I wouldn't want done upon myself. But eventually her relationship did come to an end, and it seemed very likely we might, at the very least, date somewhat soon afterward. And in fact, we almost did. I told her I was visiting my family for the weekend, on a trip down from the University I am at, and her birthday was a few days after that weekend. So I asked to take her out as a birthday gift, from me to her. Well, she cancelled it virtually last minute, and I kinda found myself stuck at home thinking I had a night to spend with her but instead with nothing to do. But that was easy to cope with, just a slightly more boring weekend than I had planned on. When her actual birthday came around though, and I wished her a happy birthday, I got quite the cold shoulder, about a step away from telling me to fuck off. Which she did...three days later. So little after a week where we were going on a date we were both excited for and she does this shit, and I eventually find out she is dating (and now in a relationship with) a guy from our old workplace who is literally 10 years older than her.

Now from my standpoint, I cannot see how she would justify building up our relationship to that point only to crash and burn it so quickly and suddenly. I stopped trying to speculate on her reasons for this but I can't help but think now if she maybe regrets being harsh about it...which I think is putting it mildly at best, but that's just my standpoint, however bias it sounds. At the very least, even if she truly hates my guts now, I can't see us going on with the rest of our lives without saying another word to each other, we were such good friends and to let all that go with a simple "Fuck off" just doesn't seem like how it will really end someday. I guess I can't decide whether to look forward to even the most bitter closure on it possible, or put it all behind and never think of it again. Honestly, I can do either. I feel fine, just a bit confused I guess.

You know, I read this and I can't help but wonder why on earth she told you to fuck off. You haven't said anything that you may have done to warrant it as such.
Thus, I am perplexed.

Any insight OP?

 

[Nieroshai]

[RELEVANCE ALERT: my planned anecdote turned away from the original intent. Hope it has something useful though or at least entertained you.]


I was in a situation a lot like this and I guess I'm different, but here's how I handled it. I confronted her and asked what the hell I did to ruin a perfectly good friendship. Note: she WAS in a relationship at the time. She shrugged me off but I found out through a friend she was going through a pretty rough breakup. Note that we're classmates. Also note we have a tiny bit of history running into each other every couple years or so so it's not like I'm just some guy. Also, every single one of her boyfriends ever had at some point been an ass to me or bullied me.
Anyhow, I started doing something: if I found something small that made me think of our friendship, I would wait til she left class and leave it on her desk. Now I don't know what exactly went through her head when she found these things, but one time she caught me leaving a trinket, and I thought she was going to yell at me but she gave me a hug. We sat outside and I let her vent. I won't go into all that was going on in her life, but it wasn't a pretty story.
[Fast forward a little]
When I finally asked her out, she turned me down. I was pissed at the way she did it, like she was offended even though I was her friend and she knew I wasn't a pig. Turns out, she cried herself to sleep that night because she liked me but didn't want to be hurt again. Fast forward and we're together, but the point is I did a little investigating of why she was acting like she was and tried to do little things I knew would make her feel better.It's somewhat like domesticating a stray, you have to use (it sounds cruel this way but)bait to slowly expand its comfort zone until eventually they reach the dish on your porch and let you near them. People who have emotonal reasons for a behavior will have to be reached emotionally.

 

[Nieroshai]

Wall of text on my part aside, I have never seen anyone genuinely do a complete 180 in personality overnight. Something has to be up.

 

[wulfy42]

Well there could be alot of explanations for her actions.

She might have liked you as a friend and then backed away strongly once you made it obvious you had more romantic intentions for the relationship. She may have even felt betrayed, like you only spent time with her because you found her hot etc (silly but possible).

You may have said something that sounded like you felt you were superior to her or something. I noticed you said you were her boyfriends superior (and possibly hers) before and while your meaning was clear to me and probably everyone else, something like that could be taken out of context easily....especially if it's through word of mouth from someone else.

For whatever reason she seems to not get anything out of your relationship anymore or there is something about it that made her upset. It might just be a misunderstanding or even sabotage from someone you both know (or even just someone she knows who is jealous of the time you were spending together.

Friendships with the opposite sex can be hard especially when your younger then 30 or so. If you really want to find out what is going on I suggest just acting casual around her, but polite and humorous...including when posting on friends facebook pages you have in common etc. Act like whatever went on is no big deal, you still care/like her but are not pushing for any interaction at all. Other then casual jokes etc let her instigate any conversations etc and don't bring up any deep subjects if you do talk with her. If you have friends in common she'll hear about what your doing and more then likely you will talk about her with friends etc. She will probably hear some of what you say (which btw may have started the problem in the first place...a friend in common may have mis-interpreted something you said etc) and if it's not scary, stalkerish or mean....she may eventually feel safe enough to talk with you again and not feel like she will be attacked or expected to explain herself.

Of course there is no reason to really waste your time worrying about any of that. I suggest you just chalk it up as a learning experience, keep positive and just put it behind you. It doesn't sound like she's interested in you romantically at all (obviously at this point) which may have been the big problem. Many times someone acts like they find another person attractive so they don't hurt their feelings but use the excuse of a relationship etc to keep everything in the "just friends" department. The truth is of course that if they really found you attractive they would ditch their current boyfriend/girlfriend and be with you (since you obviously got along well enough to spend tons of time together).

If a girl is attracted to you she usually won't spend tons of time hanging out with you while still in a relationship with someone else. One way or another she will either stop hanging out with you (because she feels bad about hanging out with someone else she is attracted to while in a relationship), she will cheat on her current BF, or she will break up with her BF and start going out with you. I guess there are exceptions...but honestly your talking about over a year here where you were spending a significant amount of time with this girl. It seems pretty obvious it was just a "friend" relationship for her and from your post you thought it was more (probably her fault). Once she ran out of a good excuse she probably felt pressured to change the relationship in a way she didn't want to and over-reacted.

Not cool on her part but not unique at all. While there are always exceptions I think most girls determine if they find a guy attractive pretty fast and rarely do long friendships suddenly become more. At the same time I have seen many girls who like to have male "friends" hang around especially if the male friend finds them attractive. I think it helps them feel pretty and fills some kind of need many girls have. I knew one girl who had 3-4 guys like that on the "ropes" for years even while having a steady BF the whole time.

My suggestion is if you find a girl you find attractive, let her know. If she finds you attractive she'll let you know. If not plan on any relationship with her being platonic and leave any moves that would change that up to her. For the most part if your friendly, respectful and don't pressure someone into acting a way they don't want they won't go crazy on you. Of course you can't control what other people say about you....but usually even that requires the behavior your being blamed for to be believable. It sounds like you were respectful but in this case you wanted something she did not, and she was not willing to tell you that directly because she felt like she gave false signals etc. She probably felt guilty about it and lashed out at you because she was really angry at herself. Given time, positive comments on your part (indirectly) and perhaps even you having your own relationship (you never mentioned if you had one the last few years....it didn't sound like you did and that is another common symptom of girls who like to have guys on a backburner....who are interested in them but just friends because of a relationship) you might eventually find out a bit more.

Honestly though I doubt it matters. In the future if you want a romantic relationship with someone find out if they are available (they will know your interested just by that pretty much). If they are not available put any such thoughts out of your mind till they are and I suggest not even forming a strong friendship with someone you find attractive until then. Sounds crazy but it's hard to have a just friends relationship with someone you find attractive. Especially when your young. She'll know your interested and if you keep light tabs with her (saying hi every so often etc) and she finds you attractive she'll let you know if she's single eventually.

Anyway best of luck to you. Don't worry to much about it as things like that are very common

 

[Hader]

I'll get to addressing some points in a minute. First, I will clarify a few more things, this time with emphasis mostly on getting things set straight chronologically.

----
So this will be as short and sweet as I can make it: We met when she was hired at the store I worked at. I had been there for nearly a year myself (this was Nov 2008 for reference) and was learning the ropes on different specific jobs, even a little bit of minor management tasks. When she showed up, we started as alright friends, but it wasn't until I was basically made her mentor that we became really good friends. And things stayed very much that way for nearly a year after meeting her. I had one instance after valentines day 2009 that I kinda liked her, but I didn't think too much into it at that point. I think it began to dawn on me most as I was preparing for my first year in college, and getting ready to leave for that. The whole quitting my job thing, leaving friends behind - didn't really bother me terribly much but I guess that's when it truly dawned on me that I really did like her. But at this time she was still in a relationship and I didn't want to do something to that. So I left it unaddressed.

We still talked plenty during my first few months away at college, and things were going fine. I can't really remember how we got to discussing it, but eventually the topic came up that she figured I was attracted to her. Not like I could hide it so I of course said I was, but I respected her relationship and the bounds of our friendship and felt I was unnecessary to act on those feelings. She told me time and time again that it was okay, understandable, and no harm done. At the time I think my wording may have worried me and I might have overreacted a little bit, but that passed by with time too. And we remained good friends. Come winter break that year, she started hitting more rough spots in her current relationship, and she would come talk to me a lot about it, kinda out of the blue, or if I noticed something was wrong and asked her about it. So even then, we grew closer.

Fast forward a bit, to summer 2010. Her relationship is getting pretty shaky now, and I tried to stay out of it but when she wanted to talk I couldn't bring myself to say no. But throughout all of our talks, she had said (many times as a matter of fact) that she was attracted to me, that she liked me and felt comfortable with me, but now was just not a good time. That seems pretty easy for anyone to understand, so I don't think I misinterpreted anything there. Eventually, when they did break up (a while into this semester), she didn;t talk to me for a while, but a week or so later we really hit it off. I tried to not at all play around the fact that she was now single. I just talked about the daily goings-on with me and asked the same of her, for casual conversation. But eventually, we kinda got flirty with each other. Perhaps almost carried away, but I don't know what a 3rd person perspective would warrant. This all worked up to me asking her on that date as a birthday present. To which, I might remind you, she acted quite excited for. The reasons for cancellation of that last minute became apparent quite recently, and that's where things stand on that. It was that sudden shift that brings about such a damn awkward situation.

But as I have also said, it is quite inconsequential to me now. Yes, I did care for her a ton, but her conduct there really hit a weird spot. Needless to say, now I feel fine, moved on, however you want to put it. Still, things are awkward, as one might imagine.

As a side note, I am leaving out some details I debated including, but for the sake of some personal privacy, and the fact they seem borderline-pertinent from my view, they'll be left out.
------

You know, I read this and I can't help but wonder why on earth she told you to fuck off. You haven't said anything that you may have done to warrant it as such.
Thus, I am perplexed.

Any insight OP?

Let me know if my above clarification helps.

Wall of text on my part aside, I have never seen anyone genuinely do a complete 180 in personality overnight. Something has to be up.

Which is the confusing part. From my perspective, it's not like her at all. It's a whole new person I am seeing.

snip

Thanks for the post, wrote much more than me

Again, I hope what I said above clarifies a little. But suffice to say, I am past it, and if there's that point where you look back and laugh at the bullshit, I guess I am at it now.

 

[Ickorus]

Hmm, this sounds awfully similar to something that happened to me a while back. Me and a girl knew each other since she was 12 and I was 15, we were really good friends despite the fact we only knew each other online, one day about 2 years ago (me 19 her 16) she suddenly deletes me from all her contacts and changes email address and when I did get into contact with her to find out what was going on she tells me to (you guessed it) "Fuck off", I was, of course, slightly bemused by the whole situation.

I left it for a while though I will say I was upset by it and about a month and a half later I approach her again and have a chat with her and she seems really apologetic about it though doesn't actually apologise. (We were close, I could see she was upset about it)

From what information I managed to gather from surreptitiously asked questions she began going out with this guy who she had dated several times before and who each time had caused her anguish to the point where she used to cut herself, a habit I helped her break out of. She felt I would be critical of her once again dating the guy and she also really liked me (romatically), and that caused a wierd reaction in that she began to hate me for it.

My advice to you would be to give it a bit and then approach her and try finding out what was wrong, I did with the girl in my story and we continued our friendship though we haven't spoken much in the last few months due simply to us both being too busy. It's not worth losing a good friendship over what sounds like a misunderstanding.

 

[Jhasso]

Demacia her.

 

[dancinginfernal]

If she would toss you away so easily, I'd say quite readily she isn't worth the thought.

 

[dylanatthemovies]

Sounds like a waste of time. You're at uni now, there's plenty of chicks to bang. Why are you worrying about the one that works in the local grocery store back home?

As for closure.. she told you to fuck off. Is that not closure enough?