What to do about a friend that constantly challenges your opinion on things?

[BloatedGuppy]

As others have said, having your opinions occasionally challenged is a good and healthy thing. Many of us choose friends who are simply echo chambers for our own beliefs. It contributes to intellectual stagnation and ignorance.

At the same time, constantly playing devil's advocate for absolutely no other reason than as "an intellectual exercise" is incredibly wearisome. If your friend doesn't learn to moderate it, he's going to have a hell of a time getting dates.

Whatever the case, you can only change yourself, so OP you should probably work on being less prickly about criticism.

 

[omega 616]

You should challenge yourself in that way but to be constantly doing it is tiring, let alone impossible. You have to settle on an issue eventually.

Either way, you should ask him to challenge his attitude on how to engage people in this kind of activity. Berating and preaching this doctrine is really annoying.

Knowing me, I would probably play it in a really petty way ... "do I really need to challenge myself? Why? Yeah, but why? Yeah, I get that but why? I'm just challenging your opinions and beliefs, like you say, you should do it."

 

[wulf3n]

Well, it's dumb (implying that women were created with the specific purpose of pleasing other people, i.e. men) and if you say something dumb without realizing that you did such, it's probably for the better if someone calls you out on it.
As for the rest, well, pretty much what Zachary said above.

To me it's the reaction that sexist, not the original statement.

Something being "A gift from god" doesn't imply ownership of said thing, doesn't imply said thing was created to "pleasure" another.

Another just as likely interpretation is that the world is better off for said thing being in existence.

When we hold our interpretation above all, we really need to look at why we have that interpretation, and make sure it's not we who have the problem.

 

[IndomitableSam]

I have a co-worker like this. She's also the "One-up storyteller" type. Drives me up the motherfucking wall. And the funny thing is, her life is so boring that all her one-up stories are about people she knows, not her.

Working with her is seriously, actually driving me mad. And everyone around her. No answer can ever be a simple yes or no, it has to be a ten minute dissertation on how to remove a staple from paper. Not fucking kidding. Any time anyone offers their thought on a subject, she has to give hers as well. And how does she win? She never stops talking and she is LOUD. People from other parts of the building come up to me and say "M's working on a new project today, huh?".

Ugh.

I'm leaving my job at the end of May, and I have come up with this plan:

I'm telling a bunch of people in advance so they're ready and present for it, then one day during lunch, I am going to simply put down my food and say "The sky is blue."

I have no doubt that she will tell me I am wrong and it is not actually blue, it's light refraction. Or whatever the hell the scientific answer is.

I may even try to get someone to record it.

Then on my last day I'm going to tell her she's a ****. And leave.

 

[Haukur Isleifsson]

Don't take it personally. Opinions are just opinions and should be challenged. If you find it so uncomfortable to defend your opinions than just don't bring them up, or if you can't do that just refuse to talk about it.

But if I were you I would try to learn from it, maybe he has a point about some of these things.

 

[Robert Marrs]

Well, it's dumb (implying that women were created with the specific purpose of pleasing other people, i.e. men) and if you say something dumb without realizing that you did such, it's probably for the better if someone calls you out on it.
As for the rest, well, pretty much what Zachary said above.

To me it's the reaction that sexist, not the original statement.

Something being "A gift from god" doesn't imply ownership of said thing, doesn't imply said thing was created to "pleasure" another.

Another just as likely interpretation is that the world is better off for said thing being in existence.

When we hold our interpretation above all, we really need to look at why we have that interpretation, and make sure it's not we who have the problem.

I think when people say it they are implying that women are a gift to the world and that they should be appreciated. Its not implying ownership because people are not saying women are a gift for them personally. Well there probably are people who mean it like but I would imagine its not very many. When people look for sexism in every statement or situation they are sure to find it.

 

[generals3]

I have a buddy in an online chat that we've been apart of for around 3 years now. It's a fairly diverse group with a fair number of people and we shoot the shit, talk about stuff and share what we like with each other. Recently however, he has taken it upon himself to constantly challenge every view and opinion on any subject that comes up that I present to the group.

He says he does it because he feels that challenging your own opinions constantly is good for you but that this point I just snapped at him and called him out for attacking me personally. As an example, I said the phrase "Women are a gift from God." and he called me out for being sexist about it.

To me it feels like every time he does this he's attacking me personally and I've told him this but he has said it's my "victim complex" talking. He's called me mentally lazy for not examining the core of my ideals and morals with a fine tooth comb and magnifying glass every time I say something(my words, not his).

The main point is that he says it's his right to challenge my opinions on stuff, no matter what they are and I want to hear some outside views on the subject. The rest of the group runs the hell away whenever we get stuck in these tirades and don't take anyone's side on the matter. One more thing to note would be that there is about a 10 year age difference between us, he grew up in Canada and I the United States. Don't know if that matters much, but I thought I'd add it in.

Well, if he challenges you for the sake of it do the same to him. He'll quickly learn how annoying it is and stop doing it.

I would also like to ask, is it really everytime or just very often? Because it could actually be , as he stated, that he thinks it's good to reflect on things by challenging them. In which case i'd say he's not being a douche but just someone who likes to reflect on things. Which i'd much prefer than a "follower" who just says "yes" all the time.

It's more on the fact that I've never considered it sexist and always thought of it as an appreciative statement for the opposite sex, regardless of looks or race.

Unfortunately nowadays you need to watch out for what you say even if they are actually innocent statements. People have gone in some kind of crusade to make anything that can be twisted in something bad in something monstrous.

And if your friend is somebody like that, bail, now.

 

[Someone Depressing]

Debates are fun.

Having every sentence that comes out of your mouth be replied to with "religious bigotism is just as bad as religion's bigotry."

Which is exactly why I have minimal contact with my family.

Seriously, tell him that. Or disregard the crap he says and just reply to his challenges with something casual and nonchallante.

 

[otakon17]

I have a buddy in an online chat that we've been apart of for around 3 years now. It's a fairly diverse group with a fair number of people and we shoot the shit, talk about stuff and share what we like with each other. Recently however, he has taken it upon himself to constantly challenge every view and opinion on any subject that comes up that I present to the group.

He says he does it because he feels that challenging your own opinions constantly is good for you but that this point I just snapped at him and called him out for attacking me personally. As an example, I said the phrase "Women are a gift from God." and he called me out for being sexist about it.

To me it feels like every time he does this he's attacking me personally and I've told him this but he has said it's my "victim complex" talking. He's called me mentally lazy for not examining the core of my ideals and morals with a fine tooth comb and magnifying glass every time I say something(my words, not his).

The main point is that he says it's his right to challenge my opinions on stuff, no matter what they are and I want to hear some outside views on the subject. The rest of the group runs the hell away whenever we get stuck in these tirades and don't take anyone's side on the matter. One more thing to note would be that there is about a 10 year age difference between us, he grew up in Canada and I the United States. Don't know if that matters much, but I thought I'd add it in.

Well, if he challenges you for the sake of it do the same to him. He'll quickly learn how annoying it is and stop doing it.

I would also like to ask, is it really everytime or just very often? Because it could actually be , as he stated, that he thinks it's good to reflect on things by challenging them. In which case i'd say he's not being a douche but just someone who likes to reflect on things. Which i'd much prefer than a "follower" who just says "yes" all the time.

It's more on the fact that I've never considered it sexist and always thought of it as an appreciative statement for the opposite sex, regardless of looks or race.

Unfortunately nowadays you need to watch out for what you say even if they are actually innocent statements. People have gone in some kind of crusade to make anything that can be twisted in something bad in something monstrous.

And if your friend is somebody like that, bail, now.

ALL the time in the last few months. We haven't been able to go longer than a day without butting heads over something.

 

[generals3]

ALL the time in the last few months. We haven't been able to go longer than a day without butting heads over something.

Well if it's all the time i'd say you should just stop talking to him. I mean even if he truly disagrees or feels like it needs to be challenged for other reasons than acting like a smart ass it should be common sense to not do it all the time and pick your battles. What's fun about arguing all the times about all kinds of petty things?

 

[Tiger King]

There's having a debate and there is being argumentative. Sure, it's good to question things but to question everything someone says sounds really irritating. It sounds like this fellow likes to question everyone else's opinion but not his own.

Kinda comes across as someone that likes to put people down publicly and use big words as often as possible to feel big and clever.

 

[JonnyHG]

It's sexist in such a minor way that only a real ass would seriously call out his friend for it.

That's really one of the MOST sexist things he could say.

Nope, it just has sexist implications that the person saying it doesn't actually mean 99% of the time. I can think of 100 more sexist things a person could say.

In any case, no one likes dealing with the PC Police all the time.

The key detail here is that we're dealing with legitimate views and opinions, not silly things that people say to get a laugh. Whether you realize it or not, there are a lot of people who believe that phrase is true. It may not have a deep impact on you, but thinking such as that has negatively affected a lot of women.

 

[Vegosiux]

If he's just being contrarian all the time, tell him you're not in a sitcom and he really should stop getting into fights just for the sake of getting into fights.

If he's actually interested in discussions and exchange of information and viewpoints, well, he's your friend.

 

[Rose and Thorn]

Blipblip


I had this friend that I grew up with kinda. We were thick as thieves I guess. We agreed on a lot of things when we met, but has the years rolled by, seven I think, we grew into taller people. uhh

Mind you, I was not the person I am today back then either, but I found this friend changed much faster than I did. Leaving out personal things, this friend became obsessed with the military and guns in general. Went from being an athiest when we met and started to go to church as a strict christian six years later. I was in a relationship and they weren't. Differing opinions about education, life, and my sexuality. Ect.

I felt part of me was losing this friend, but I acted mature about it at first, as mature as a younger me could be, but then they started to question me on my ideals and beliefs. It came to a point where I sometimes couldn't speak my mind without getting this friend upset, it was making my unhappy.

So what did I do after seven years of friendship? I called this friend up and said I no longer wanted to be friends as politely, but seriously as I could. I loved this friend, but I didn't like how the friendship was making me feel. What did this friend do? Told everyone in the town we lived in that I was a terrible friend that didn't care about anyone, that I cheated on my ex and was a drug addict, people believed this friend.

I don't make friends anymore.

 

[Bertylicious]

*moving and engrossing story snipped for space*

Dark. He sounds mad as a bag of hammers. He also sounds like he flipped out dut to Circumstances rather than just being a general contrarian and a-ll round, argumentative, cuss but I didn't know the guy.

Have you had an opportunity to have a change of scene? Say, at university or somesuch? Hopefully you can find less crazy people, or rather people who are crazy in a less unpleasant way, to be friends with.

 

[Bruce]

Voice some ideas that you feel confident in defending, and when he challenges you, crush him in a debate. Then tell him to get off your back.

As an example, I said the phrase "Women are a gift from God." and he called me out for being sexist about it.

Er...well, yes, saying that is being sexist.

It's sexist in such a minor way that only a real ass would seriously call out his friend for it.

Nope. It is pretty majorly sexist. It conveys both objectification, and ownership.

I never meant it as such. I was raised mostly by my mother and I know her stance on those kind of things. I'd do her a great injustice if I thought that way and more than likely get my teeth kicked in.

I am absolutely certain you didn't.

For years I used to use a particular insult without even realising it meant female genitalia.

It is one of those weird effects from ongoing culture - how you can say something that is sexist, or racist or whatever, without really being sexist, racist or whatever. It is good to have it pointed out so you know what you're communicating, particularly when it doesn't particularly reflect on what you actually think.

 

[wulf3n]

Voice some ideas that you feel confident in defending, and when he challenges you, crush him in a debate. Then tell him to get off your back.

As an example, I said the phrase "Women are a gift from God." and he called me out for being sexist about it.

Er...well, yes, saying that is being sexist.

It's sexist in such a minor way that only a real ass would seriously call out his friend for it.

Nope. It is pretty majorly sexist. It conveys both objectification, and ownership.

I never meant it as such. I was raised mostly by my mother and I know her stance on those kind of things. I'd do her a great injustice if I thought that way and more than likely get my teeth kicked in.

I am absolutely certain you didn't.

For years I used to use a particular insult without even realising it meant female genitalia.

It is one of those weird effects from ongoing culture - how you can say something that is sexist, or racist or whatever, without really being sexist, racist or whatever. It is good to have it pointed out so you know what you're communicating, particularly when it doesn't particularly reflect on what you actually think.

The problem here is the statement by itself isn't sexist, not inherently. It's so vague it can be interpreted many different ways, based on the who,how and why.

Here's a little test, if the exact same thing "Women are a gift from God" were to be said by any random woman would anyone call it sexist? If your answer is no then the statment is not sexist as a sexist statement will be sexist regardless of the gender that's saying it.

What's happening here is people inferring thoughts, opinions and intentions on the OP which may or may not exist, based solely on his gender which is sexist.

 

[Eliam_Dar]

Disagreeing from time to time is ok, but if he disagrees in absolutely everything, then you may have drifted apart. In the example that you give he seems to call you out just because he can. This is not a good sign.
One of the basis of friendship is to share a common interest (this is quite a wide description I know). Think about the reason why you and your "friend" became close to each other at first? does this reason still exists, do you still share a common interest? do you enjoy each others company?.
If these factors do not exist, I am afraid that you are no longer friends, and you might be holding onto a memory, nothing else. It happens, people changes overtime, drift apart, and distance is a huge factor, specially when you have been both exposed to new experiences that may have changed your views in many ways
Age difference is also a factor, but is not that relevant (one of my best friends is almost 14 years older than me).

I tend to be direct, though polite, but in your case I would confront him, ask him if he still considers himself my friend, and tell him that our constant disagreement may suggest we are no longer on the same stage in our lives.

 

[Rose and Thorn]

*moving and engrossing story snipped for space*

Dark. He sounds mad as a bag of hammers. He also sounds like he flipped out dut to Circumstances rather than just being a general contrarian and a-ll round, argumentative, cuss but I didn't know the guy.

Have you had an opportunity to have a change of scene? Say, at university or somesuch? Hopefully you can find less crazy people, or rather people who are crazy in a less unpleasant way, to be friends with.

I became a recluse after all this happened.

You know when people are in a relationship and they blame everything bad that happens on the other person? I think this friend and I just became two very different people over the years, and if anything I was the crazy one, maybe I let things get to me too much. Maybe I let myself get hurt easily, maybe I shouldn't have bet all my cards on one close friend?

I don't think this person was bad or even mean, I think the reason they did all those mean things is because they were hurt that I told them how I felt about our friendship.

I guess the point I was trying to make is sometimes if two friends are starting not to click and bash heads a lot, maybe it is time to call it quits, there is nothing wrong with moving on from a friendship that has just evolved over time from caring to hostile. I stuck with this friend for awhile and it never got better, if I had called it quits sooner, maybe I wouldn't have become such a wreck, you know what I mean?

 

[Bertylicious]

I became a recluse after all this happened.

You know when people are in a relationship and they blame everything bad that happens on the other person? I think this friend and I just became two very different people over the years, and if anything I was the crazy one, maybe I let things get to me too much. Maybe I let myself get hurt easily, maybe I shouldn't have bet all my cards on one close friend?

I don't think this person was bad or even mean, I think the reason they did all those mean things is because they were hurt that I told them how I felt about our friendship.

I guess the point I was trying to make is sometimes if two friends are starting not to click and bash heads a lot, maybe it is time to call it quits, there is nothing wrong with moving on from a friendship that has just evolved over time from caring to hostile. I stuck with this friend for awhile and it never got better, if I had called it quits sooner, maybe I wouldn't have become such a wreck, you know what I mean?

I think so. I'm sorry these things happened, it sounds very traumatic.

A friend of mine once told me he thought regret was stupid; you make the decisions you make at a time based on how you feel and what you know then. Heck, I think back on my life and, although some of it wasn't that fun, I honestly don't know what I'd have done differently, even knowing what I do now. Maybe I just lack imagination.

I hope things get better.