What's there to be ashamed of for living with your folks still?

[stroopwafel]

If I was you I would probably take out a massive loan and put myself in debt for twenty years to buy a house I couldn't realistically afford, just to live with my wife - but I still cannot really fault you given you are aware that doing what you're doing isn't what you would like to be doing.

''If I was you I could, I would, I should..'' But the fact is you aren't. What you are however is just some 20-something who pretends to know how life works and likes to judge people on their circumstances without standing in their shoes. You are someone who is eager to accept student grants(enabled by the tax payer) while calling people 'immature' for living at home. Can you not see the hypocrisy here? You can shout from your high horse all day long but words cost nothing. If you genuinely stand by what you say you would return the tax money to people who need it more than you. But the fact is that you won't, which only demonstrates further how bankrupt your judgemental demeanor is.

You are someone who just regurgitates whatever dogma you have been indoctrinated with displaying very little critical thinking for yourself. Then again I wouldn't really have expected anything more from someone who lives by sweeping generalizations.

 

[Dreph]

If you don't believe me on the expenses please feel free to google rent prices in the Bay Area in California, US. Here is a hint, they are absurd.

According to this report - http://ceoworld.biz/2015/10/19/top-50-most-expensive-cities-in-the-world-to-rent-an-apartment-2015-report the most expensive places are 1. New York, 2. Hong Kong, 3. London, 4. Geneva and 5. Chicago, so I don't think that the Bay area is uniquely bad - San Fransisco didnt even make the list.

In my experience people are pretty useless at actually looking for property, and this is a lack of talent that estate agents make lots of money from - it's always in their interest to push people towards the most expensive places, because they get more commission that way. A young, recently recruited graduate at the previous place I worked, wanted the company to pay for a 1,400 quid($2,000)per month 1 bedroom apartment in Bristol when he went on long term secondment there, because "There's literally nothing cheaper in Bristol". One 5minute google search showed he could get quite a nice 2 bedroom house for about half of that and as a young single guy working away from home for the first time, the studio flats at around 500quid per month were what he should have been looking at - he'd gone straight for city-centre penthouse luxury apartments with parking, which he somehow thought the company would pay for!

For San Fransisco, here's a $650 per month rental in a 2bedroom, 2 bathroom place - https://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/roo/5443530569.html It's probably not ideal, and I'm only looking on craigslist because I have no idea what websites and estate agents are good/bad in the USA, but it also shows there's always deals out there somewhere. The other advantage of craigslist is of course the entertainment value in some of the offers - how about this totally not dodgy as hell one for "free room in a 3BR house for female"? - https://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/roo/5443550450.html

I don't doubt that it is true me and my wife aren't trained professionals, but from purely anecdotal experience of course, most of the cheap places are literally too good to be true. Me and my wife encountered this multiple times, "Sure we would love to show you the property, but please forward the your social security numbers before we can show you the property."

Also couldn't check the link you gave, because it was already flagged removal.

 

[McElroy]

So with your mindset I would take up a part-time job and move out even if my quality of life decreased?

Absolutely. I could have lived at home for years, enjoying less expenses and my mothers cooking, but I chose not to. It simply isn't how it's done here.

Finland is right next to Denmark in these things as far as statistics go. I'm definitely the exception, maybe 5% of the early-twenties people I know live with their folks. Maybe under the safety of the internet the other 95% are elitist pricks here too, who knows (jk, don't choke on the p?lse). I actually like to think I'm an elitist prick too; the untrained rabble needs those jobs and small apartments, not me.

edit: p?lse p?lse p?lse ???????? it's really not working?

 

[Redd the Sock]

I'd probably add that there's a generational gap in perception of "necessary" expenses that makes the current crop seem a bit spoiled. TLR version, my parents married and got their own place in 1976, which means no internet, no computers, no tablets, no cell phones, drank water from the tap, ate out only for special occasions, shopped for thrift store clothes, hell, the "electronics" in the house where a used stereo and 8 inch black and white TV. Activities rarely involved travel, and were more rooted in library books, cards, games or jigsaw puzzles bought at that thrift store, or just sitting on the porch.

Granted, student loans weren't a thing, and computers and cell phones are more and more a necessity these days, but I've seen that person: I'm in such dire straits I need to live with my parents, hey check out the photoss of the road trip my friends and I took on my new model iphone. Hence, an image of less a harsh economy, and more of "I don't want to give up my toys."

 

[Bobular]

I'm 26, don't drink, don't smoke, don't drive, studied physics at university, used to have a really good job at a hospital but last year started my own business and still live with my mother.

When I used to work at the hospital I would save most of my paycheck (after rent and other bills) every month. It still would have taken me till my 30's to afford a house. Out of all my friends my age I was the closest to having my own place, even now none of my friend or any of my customers in my age group own their own place and I've had to spend all my savings on starting my own business.

If anyone thinks I'm immature or lazy or should be ashamed for still living with my mum at 26 then they're either privileged or have no idea what they're talking about.

 

[Snotnarok]

Considering the cost of a house in my area, or the insanely high rent...You're not moving out unless it's out of state or you have other people moving with you.

I live with my parents still, I'm taking care of them. One became mentally disabled and she needs 24/7 care, and we only recently got an aide to help lessen the insanity.
The shit we've done would make your ears bleed...

I'm happy to live with my family, at least I can say I'm taking care of them and honestly love them. I've seen some rough houses....plenty happy here for the moment.

 

[Fieldy409_v1legacy]

Honestly the only practical benefit I see would be it would be easier to have sex with your partner/friends with benefits/one night stand/open multiple partners/swingers/giant orgy of prostitutes. Without Mum and Dad hearing in the next room. But its not really viable for me yet to pay for the entirety of a house alone and live alone like Id really like to, so Id just be putting up with roomates, and I can imagine it being pretty shit if they are pushy control freaks.

But people will judge you for it, so If you are worried about appearing more of a 'practical' boyfriend/girlfriend choice It might be worth it, So Im still stewing over it. Maybe Id just wait until I have a girlfriend but then I wonder if Id have an easier time getting one because of it argh decisisions.

Also Im thinking of going casually lacto-ovo vegetarian(but eat meat like once a week with my mates), but if mum cooks dinner I cant really throw good food away or control what is in the pantry(avoidance is the best way to control diet for me) and reject it so it would be a lot easier living on my own.

 

[manic_depressive13]

It should be noted that the parents have to be "okay" with this type of arrangement, as some are very not okay with a child assuming they can treat parents like a landlord/tenant situation. They are parents and should be respected as such, no matter how old a child gets. If parents are not okay with this type of arrangement in their own home, they have every right to not allow this type of arrangement in their own home, it is their home, they are the ones who make the rules. If their rules require them to to know their child's whereabouts, adult or otherwise, those rules should be respected or the adult child should expect to find their own place if they do not wish to accommodate. The bottom line with this situation is, the parents make the rules for their own home. If the child wishes to stay in their home they should abide by those rules or find their own way. The situation is bad if the child thinks they should have a say in the rules of their parents home simply because they are an adult, as they do not unless the parents choose to allow them to.Parents do not have to change their own rules of their home to accommodate an adult child, and that should be expected to be the case regardless of what the child thinks their relationship should be.

Parents are still entitled to set curfews, expect calls to let them know when they will be late, and be notified if the child is not coming home if the child wishes to live with parents. Parents do not suddenly stop being parents when a child is grown, they will always be their child's parents. So an adult child should not expect this to change simply because they don't like it. That is attempting to impose upon parents rather than respect that is part of being a parent.

Yeah, because parents who monitor and set curfews for their adult children are going to be totally okay with them moving out every time.

I've seen a lot of abusers use the "my house, my rules" excuse to justify their behaviour, all the while undermining, guilting, or otherwise obstructing the person who is apparently free to "just move out". Respect goes both ways, and parents should respect their children's boundaries, and allow them more space as they get older. You're reinforcing the notion that parents can treat their child however they want, without having to consider their adult child's feelings. Then when the adult child turns out stunted and lacking independence due to their controlling parents, you blame them for not having moved out.

 

[Lightspeaker]

Highly relevant:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-35541835

The housing market in the UK is a goddamn mess, I mean seriously...

 

[Nickolai77]

I'm 25 and have spent my adulthood so far living in and out of my family home. Moved to university at 19, moved back home after graduation aged 23, lived at home for two years and then moved abroad for a year. When I finish work here I'll move back to the family home and take a teacher training course. If possible I'm going to live at the family home during my training rather than get my own place because you save so much money that you'd be stupid not to.

I don't think living in the family home is anything to be ashamed off- People who do live with their parents in their 20's generally have good reasons to do so. Usually either they can't find full time work and don't want to live in poverty, or they're saving money to buy a property rather than renting. Moving away from the family home should be an eventual goal for most people, but rationally speaking there are times when it makes more sense to live with your parents than not.

 

[Denamic]

Housing is super expensive now compared to back in the day. I used to live in a tiny 1 room apartment, but I moved back in with my mother. Not for financial reasons though. She got a job 4000km+ away, and she's gone every other week, which means me or my sister has to take care of the dogs. And since my sister is a taxi driver, her schedule is pretty much random, so it usually falls to me to take care of the animals. 3 dogs and my two cats is a bit much for a 1 room apartment, so I moved back in with mother. At least until I find a larger apartment that's reasonably close to here. Until then, this is a mutually beneficial arrangement.

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

It should be noted that the parents have to be "okay" with this type of arrangement, as some are very not okay with a child assuming they can treat parents like a landlord/tenant situation. They are parents and should be respected as such, no matter how old a child gets. If parents are not okay with this type of arrangement in their own home, they have every right to not allow this type of arrangement in their own home, it is their home, they are the ones who make the rules. If their rules require them to to know their child's whereabouts, adult or otherwise, those rules should be respected or the adult child should expect to find their own place if they do not wish to accommodate. The bottom line with this situation is, the parents make the rules for their own home. If the child wishes to stay in their home they should abide by those rules or find their own way. The situation is bad if the child thinks they should have a say in the rules of their parents home simply because they are an adult, as they do not unless the parents choose to allow them to.Parents do not have to change their own rules of their home to accommodate an adult child, and that should be expected to be the case regardless of what the child thinks their relationship should be.

Parents are still entitled to set curfews, expect calls to let them know when they will be late, and be notified if the child is not coming home if the child wishes to live with parents. Parents do not suddenly stop being parents when a child is grown, they will always be their child's parents. So an adult child should not expect this to change simply because they don't like it. That is attempting to impose upon parents rather than respect that is part of being a parent.

Yeah, because parents who monitor and set curfews for their adult children are going to be totally okay with them moving out every time.

I've seen a lot of abusers use the "my house, my rules" excuse to justify their behaviour, all the while undermining, guilting, or otherwise obstructing the person who is apparently free to "just move out". Respect goes both ways, and parents should respect their children's boundaries, and allow them more space as they get older. You're reinforcing the notion that parents can treat their child however they want, without having to consider their adult child's feelings. Then when the adult child turns out stunted and lacking independence due to their controlling parents, you blame them for not having moved out.

It is not abusive to have parents that expect to know where you are so that if something happens to you they know where to start looking.. That is what you call "normal family." It is not an invasion of privacy to know where your family members are. Even living in my own house, I let my parents know when I am going out of town and when I would be back so they would not worry if they were unable to reach me, or they stopped by while out and I wasn't home they would not be alarmed. Even when dating, I always let someone know where I was, who I was with, and where we were going so if something happened to me, they would know where to look. But then again, I was attacked on multiple occasions, I had to fight off men trying to pull me into a truck once and understand how life actually is. You never know what could happen, and I would much rather have people coming to help me than not have a clue what happened to me. My sister never goes on a date without texting me where she is going who she is with and leaving numbers ect, because that is how people look out for one another.

It is not abusive to expect people not to be walking around the house coming in at all hours in the night while you are sleeping disrupting your life simply because they feel entitled to in your own house, it is your house, you should have peace and quiet whenever you want peace and quiet in your house. If they wish to do such, they can do so in their own house, that is what people get their own house for. I didn't want to have roommates ever again for that reason...

Living with parents isn't supposed to be like living on your own, that is why you move out. If you want "My house my rules" you get your own house, not live in theirs. Their house is " Their house, their rules." I would never expect them to have it any other way. I would never expect my neighbors, friends, coworkers to change the rules of their home to accommodate me, nor would I expect my parents. Especially your parents, they never stop being your parents, that is for life. If you dont want to be treated like you're their kid while at home, you get your own place, that way you are only treated like their kid when you visit them. ( ..and you should expect such from your parents, because you know, they are your parents.. that is what parents do.)

 

[Balimaar]

I could have moved out of my parents place 3-4 years before I actually did.

I just did not feel like blowing my money on paying rent and instead saved the money that would otherwise have been wasted on rent.

Just a few months ago I put down a decent deposit on my own home. So who is the loser now?*

*That was directed mainly at those people around me who insisted on calling me a loser etc. simply because I spent a few more years at home saving $$$ I have a house. They don't.

 

[Metalix Knightmare]

Given the economic state of the world today, we're gonna be seeing a LOT of multi-generational households soon.

 

[renegade7]

You'd be an immature idiot if you feel proud taking it, though, yeah? That is my point.

I'd rather be immature and have money than than be noble and self-reliant while living in a slum apartment living off instant noodles.

I can choose between living in a house in a nice neighborhood while I focus on my studies for a low cost, or for the amount of money I make I could live in a shitty part of town in a run-down apartment where I'd have to split rent with my roommates. It's easier because it's objectively a better decision. You know what's really immature? Deliberately making things more difficult for yourself than they have to be out of some misplaced sense of pride.

It's not optimal, because most of us would actually rather be on our own because living with your parents in your 20s kind of sucks, but it's still preferable to the alternatives.

It depends how much stock you personally place on financial independence.

A lot, actually, I just recognize that sometimes discretion is the better part of valor. I might be sacrificing some independence in the short term, but in the long-term I get to save much more of the money that I earn than I would otherwise. Living at my family's house during breaks in the academic year at 23 allows me to get into a better place financially so that I don't have to risk coming back here when I'm 30 and when it would start to be a real problem for my personal life.

 

[BadNewDingus]

I'm 29 and live with my parents, along with my two brothers, who are older than me! Yeah, we know we're losers, since we pretty much smoke weed all day and play video games. At least we pay the bills, but I still can't say that my parents live with us since it's still silly.

I know for myself that I enjoy the family atmosphere. Sure, I could go out on my own and make my own family, but I'm not ready for that. I also hate children.

My friends make fun of me because of this, but that's only because they don't know how bad they would have it without their parents paying their bills.

 

[manic_depressive13]

-

None of those things are inherently abusive, but the overall sentiment you expressed that parents can set whatever rules they want, and adult children shouldn't have the right to set boundaries because it's not their house, plays right into the hands of abusers. It's nice that you have a good relationship with your parents, but you shouldn't project that to everyone. Again, not everyone dissatisfied with their home situation can just move out, including abused children and spouses, because of financial, psychological, or other reasons. Your words could easily be interpreted to be that anyone who lives in someone else's house deserves whatever befalls them, because anyone dissatisfied with that shouldn't be living in that house. Without providing caveats, that's the impression "you shouldn't expect something to change because you don't like it" and "their house their rules" gives.

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

-

None of those things are inherently abusive, but the overall sentiment you expressed that parents can set whatever rules they want, and adult children shouldn't have the right to set boundaries because it's not their house, plays right into the hands of abusers. It's nice that you have a good relationship with your parents, but you shouldn't project that to everyone. Again, not everyone dissatisfied with their home situation can just move out, including abused children and spouses, because of financial, psychological, or other reasons. Your words could easily be interpreted to be that anyone who lives in someone else's house deserves whatever befalls them, because anyone dissatisfied with that shouldn't be living in that house. Without providing caveats, that's the impression "you shouldn't expect something to change because you don't like it" and "their house their rules" gives.

Assuming that relationships are going to be abusive is not the " norm" it is fine to project the " norm". Of course not everyone dissatisfied with their home situation can move out, usually they are not, regardless of staying with friends, family or neighbors. That does not suddenly entitle the person in need of a home to tell the people who do own the home how their house should be run. If they cannot respect the people who own the home's lifestyle and preferences, whether that is going to bed at 8pm or waking up at 4am, they can make their own way.

No one said it would be " easy", but yes there are always other options, even if that means living in a tent, homeless shelter or sleeping on a friends couch. I have lived on my own since I was 15, and out of stubbornness not to fail and return to my parents home during that time was homeless on multiple occasions, and that was entirely by choice. There is nothing set in stone that says you have to return to their home, even if you are homeless. It is a matter of if you value your independence more than your comfort. I personally valued my independence.. even when that meant sleeping in a field. Sometimes, yes, it does take those extremes to live by your own rules.

 

[Dr. Crawver]

I'd say it depends on the reason for living there. If it's because you've hit a hard time after trying to move out, it's fine. Happens to the best of us some times. If however there's never even been an attempt to live solo, then there's the issue. It's the difference between a failed attempt and no attempt at all I'd say.

 

[manic_depressive13]

Assuming that relationships are going to be abusive is not the " norm" it is fine to project the " norm". Of course not everyone dissatisfied with their home situation can move out, usually they are not, regardless of staying with friends, family or neighbors. That does not suddenly entitle the person in need of a home to tell the people who do own the home how their house should be run. If they cannot respect the people who own the home's lifestyle and preferences, whether that is going to bed at 8pm or waking up at 4am, they can make their own way.

No one said it would be " easy", but yes there are always other options, even if that means living in a tent, homeless shelter or sleeping on a friends couch. I have lived on my own since I was 15, and out of stubbornness not to fail and return to my parents home during that time was homeless on multiple occasions, and that was entirely by choice. There is nothing set in stone that says you have to return to their home, even if you are homeless. It is a matter of if you value your independence more than your comfort. I personally valued my independence.. even when that meant sleeping in a field. Sometimes, yes, it does take those extremes to live by your own rules.

It may not be the norm but it's not particularly uncommon either. Abuse is usually psychological, although that may be in conjunction with physical or financial abuse, so it's not always as simple as someone continuing to live in that situation valuing their own comfort over their independence.

When a child is old enough there should be negotiation and discussion over what they think is fair, and everyone's feelings ought to be considered. All relationships involve compromise, and saying that it's okay for a parent to impose whatever rules they want without caring how their child feels about it is completely unreasonable. A child shouldn't decide that they can just run the house and do whatever they want. A parent shouldn't think that they can impose whatever rules and restrictions they want, and not treat their child like an autonomous human being, just because it's their house. They chose to have a child, and they should treat that child with respect just like the child should do for them. Respect isn't only to be afforded to parents. Saying that someone deserves what they get because they can always choose to be homeless strikes me as a bit ridiculous. That you felt you needed to be homeless in order to maintain your independence is sad and unfair, and I'm sorry you were in that situation. But doesn't help to shame people who don't make the same decision.