What's there to be ashamed of for living with your folks still?

[Thaluikhain]

So, it's elitist, and flying in the face of liberalism to condemn people for it? Eh, nothing new there.

Not seeing any reason to condemn people for it myself (might be biased), but since when do you need a good reason to condemn people for stuff?

 

[Bob_McMillan]

If they mean depending on your parent's to live, and not just physically inhabiting the same house, then I guess it's seen as leeching off your parents? And financial stability, in my view, is directly proportional to success. People are judging that, not exactly your wealth.

My country has deep familial values, living with your parents even until you have your own kids is not uncommon. We dont really find anything wrong with it. Though depending on your parents for money, food, etc. is looked down upon.

 

[Flames66]

After all, if you don't have a house then CLEARLY you aren't working hard enough to get enough money to get one.

No I'm not. Why would I want to when I can live perfectly comfortable without working every hour of the week?

Depending where you're from, it is a sign of immaturity and failure, if you still live with your parents.

I moved out at 19 and I would consider it a colossal failure - and indeed consider myself one, if I had to move back with my mother or crash at one of my siblings.

Moving out is a sign of growing up and entering adulthood. Being dependant on your parents as a twenty-something-old is pretty pathetic in my eyes.

I disagree. I have chosen to live with my mother because it makes my life far easier. I don't have to constantly think about money, bills and whether I can afford to enjoy myself. I have time to do things I enjoy. Some people look down on that choice, but their opinions do not matter to me.

On the other hand, I don't look down on or disparage the choices of people who do live alone. It is up to you how you live and if you would prefer to live by yourself, good for you. Just don't tell me how to live.

 

[Lightspeaker]

I don't really see any issue. I'm 28, I've lived at home right the way through Uni. Even when I was getting paid as a PhD student. Ultimately I only just finished my 9-year-long University education last year. You know what that's resulted in? No student debt of any kind and a healthy bank balance. My parents refuse money for bills on the basis that they'd be paying it anyway. For all the obsession society has with independence I can still do whatever I want, whenever I want, I live in a nice house with a family I get on with and I can take my time looking for a job I really want without huge headache of covering rent or bills.

Independence is a nice ideal. Money in the bank is something a bit more concrete. If and when I either have to move away to work or when I hook with with a partner for the long term is when I'll get my own place. I think living at home with a partner is probably a bit much, but beyond that I can't really see why anyone should care.

 

[Mechamorph]

In my culture I would be disgraced if I didn't live with my parents. As the eldest son, I am expected to live with them and care for them in their golden years. If we were more well to do, it would be a sign of prestige that we could afford a large home for the entire clan to live under one roof. Of course all the adult siblings squeezing into one small apartment or house would be a whole different matter. Indeed my siblings were not expected to move out of the house until well into their majority as home prices as ludicrously high by international standards.

 

[DeliveryGodNoah_v1legacy]

My parents told me one thing about this: As long as I am able to help with bills, I can stay as long as I'd like. Of course, it's not ideal to stay with parents for too long, independence and privacy and what-not. But they also told me this: They'd rather I stayed with them until I was in a sure, comfortable position to move on my own (whether that was completing further education, or saving enough) rather than forcing myself out there on barely enough cash to get by and no experience.

You can experience "adult" things while still living with your parents. It's there I got through two jobs, learned how to pay bills, schedule appointments, do my taxes, and many other things. It's better to learn these things in a controlled environment rather than spazzing out on your own trying to ask Google if you're doing it right.

 

[Scarim Coral]

So is this a serious thread or...?

I mean last time I've check, trying to buy a house is kinda impossible for some people and it is more common for people to lived with their parent these days.

By all means I do want to lived on my own at some point in my life but given my minium wages and rate of a flat, that seen to be a far reach.

 

[the December King]

Someone can tell me otherwise, and I'll gladly generalize this post, but until then I'll assume that this is about Roosh.

Ordinarily I would not use this as ammunition against someone, but in the case of Roosh it does feel fitting to point out that, since the act of moving out and being independent is often considered a rite of passage tied to becoming or being an adult, whether it is actually this or not is really up to the party in question- and can also be tied to masculinity (or at least these traits can be, for better or worse: taking care of yourself, being independent, financially successful, responsible, etc.), so it does seem a bit ironic.

Again, I personally do not think that staying with family is a bad thing, because every circumstance and case is different. Shame for aspects of your situation need not be felt, especially in today's volatile job market, the exorbitant prices of housing, strategic financing with family, caregiving, needing continued adult care or supervision, and cost of living in general.

And to be fair, this should also apply to Roosh. But I suspect that, because of his toxic masculinity, he doesn't really see it that way, and is embarrassed by it.

 

[Schadrach]

While I see it more on a case by case basis (Namely I'd give that Return of Kings guy more shit for living with his mom

While I can't defend 99.99% of anything Roosh V might say, it's worth noting the context of that particular claim -- namely that it's not exactly true and is invoked specifically to shame him (like there aren't plenty of better things to shame him about).

Here's the trick: Roosh V is originally from, but does not currently live in the US (they show his apartment in that BBC documentary where they try to use him as their archetypal MRA). When he comes to the US, he stays with his mom. I've stayed with family or friends when on a trip to somewhere near them, it's a way to reduce travel expenses while spending extra time with people close to you. I can't really fault him that.

Honestly, I should do that for PAX East, hotel is my second highest expense and I have a friend who lives in the area and also attends PAX. Two of his other friends stay with him for PAX though, and it seems like it would be crowded.

 

[Diablo1099_v1legacy]

While I can't defend 99.99% of anything Roosh V might say, it's worth noting the context of that particular claim -- namely that it's not exactly true and is invoked specifically to shame him (like there aren't plenty of better things to shame him about).

Here's the trick: Roosh V is originally from, but does not currently live in the US (they show his apartment in that BBC documentary where they try to use him as their archetypal MRA). When he comes to the US, he stays with his mom. I've stayed with family or friends when on a trip to somewhere near them, it's a way to reduce travel expenses while spending extra time with people close to you. I can't really fault him that.

Honestly, I should do that for PAX East, hotel is my second highest expense and I have a friend who lives in the area and also attends PAX. Two of his other friends stay with him for PAX though, and it seems like it would be crowded.

Well, main reason I was giving that example was because Roosh is claiming to be selling a ton of books and being this really big deal.
Like I said, the older you are, the less acceptable it is to be seen as living with your parents.
With students, I understand because they are either still learning or are retraining in a new field but if you have enough clout to be able to get books published, then I wonder why you are still living there.

...Kinda a shame, I was hoping that thing with Roosh would be true, the mental image it just too funny xD

 

[CeeBod]

It's different now though - houses are insanely expensive where I grew up and it's much harder to get on the housing ladder. My first house was not in a nice place, I was sure someone was going to steal my shed.

Whilst I mostly echo the bloody-nosed Santa's opinion on the matter, I'd also like to point out that it isn't the digital "be rich/live at home" choice that some people seem to painting it as in this thread. The first place I moved to after University was a house-share where I rented 1 room and we split the bills amongst the 5 people sharing the house - I was paying little more than places I'd rented as a student at Uni. A friend of mine is currently living in a room that I'd personally re-define as "a reasonably large cupboard" in a shared place in London that doesn't even have a lounge/living room - you don't have to do the whole save for big deposit(oOer!), get mortgaged to the hilt (also oOer!)thing just to be able to gain independence from parents, there is such a thing as rented accomodation in a whole variety of flavours!

 

[Spider RedNight]

Because OBVIOUSLY (if you live in the states), if you live with your parents, you're a good-for-nothing who doesn't WANT to be independent and have your own space and you're just too LAZY to keep a good job where you're expected to climb the corporate ladder. If you don't fit all of this criteria then there's something wrong with you (not saying there ain't nothin' wrong with me but still).

I live with my parents because I'm differently abled and I'm so used to helping my mom pay for things that now, living on my own seems really scary, if I may be so childish to call it that xD Also I'm expecting my step-dad to walk out any second for some trivial matter so at least I'm a fallback option and I don't want to get my own place if I'm just gonna end up moving back in with my mom.

People like to judge you though, whether it's how you look, what you do, where you live or who you live with. Hell, they even judge you for what gender you are when you play video games.

LUCKILY I haven't caught any guff for still living with my parents - if only because everyone I know lives with their relatives still and at least I have a car so no one can judge me unless they really wanna be a douche about it. I'm gonna be honest, I also think there's not as much judgement where I live because I'm close to Mexico where I've known a lot of people who still live with their families and that's not perceived as a bad thing at all. At least what they've told me, anyway.

So I guess it also depends on the culture. America just tends to be.... not desirable, as it turns out.

 

[Harlemura]

I don't see anything wrong with staying with your parents as long as you need to, there shouldn't be some set age where you have to be living on your own. Everyone has different circumstances, so of course different people are gonna move out at different times. You move out when you want to move out and are able to do so, and if your parents are happy with you staying until that time then there shouldn't be an issue.
Besides, moving out doesn't even necessarily mean being independent from your family. My sister, for example, moved out a couple of years ago, but I don't think she's gone two weeks without coming back here for something. Using my dad as a taxi driver, getting my mum to help out with washing clothes, showing up every other weekend and helping herself to half the food in the kitchen, she's essentially still living with us but her room's down the road instead of upstairs.

Personally though, after 22 years of living at home I'm looking forward to moving out to go to University later in the year, but not really for the independence aspect. Though my folks say they're fine paying for me being at home, over the last few years I've been in and out of work and been completely dependent on them, so feel like I've been leeching off them something fierce. I'd like to think the money they save on finally not having me around can go towards their hobbies or nice meals out or something like that.
But even when I finish Uni and will probably have to move back in with them for a while, I doubt 26 year old me will care much about what anyone has to say about it. Besides, my mum will probably be thrilled to have one of her kids at home again.

 

[Blue_screen]

Well I come from a mediterranean background and it is true that a lot of people still live with their parents well into adulthood. The constant job insecurity means that more people nowadays get their own place when they marry or are in a long term relationship (because it is easier to pay for rent, utilities, etc).

I think people should not be ashamed, there are many factors that influence your life and financial situation.

 

[boag]

Isnt the "living with your parents = failure" thing an American nuance?

Most cultures with strong family blocks usually have 3 generations living in the same housing.

 

[RadioActiveLobster]

Up until not to long ago it wasn't uncommon to have several generations living in the same home, at least in some places.

I currently live at home to help take care of my mom who is unable to live by herself due to medical issues. Am I ashamed of that? No, I'd be ashamed of myself if I didn't help her out.

 

[jamail77]

snip.

I don't know why you have to chastise me for answering the question in the OP honestly, but sure, I'll bite.

Ignoring the fact I didn't see much chastisement in that and that he has the right to criticize, maybe it's because he saw your answer as disrespectful? I mean, you did say people who still live with their parents are pathetic in your eyes and left little room for exceptions. As lacking in empathy? As lacking in basic understanding of individual circumstance and personal choice, the state of the economy, and other cultures? You did say you've been to Spain and know there's cultural differences but still think it's quite odd? As relying heavily on assumptions and anecdotes? If we're getting anecdotal I have a few friends that would fit your description of dependent and irresponsible, but even more who are as independent and responsible as can be WHILE living with their parents. What I mean by the latter is they work hard, they have a job, they pay all their own bills, they pay for their own groceries, they paid for their car, they pay for their school, some of them even pay rent.

When I first went off to college it was a university that was a 7 hour drive away. I, more or less, stayed up there for 2 years. I lived in an apartment and then later in the dorms when I couldn't maintain stability that way despite that doing the latter made me sacrifice some stability for more academic financial insecurity. I completely broke down in a way most people might a hard time understanding and was taken back home when I was inaccurately diagnosed with the wrong mental illness. I have more recently been diagnosed with bipolar depression, which is at times a relief to be aware of and other times something I'm not sure I have but continue to take the medication anyway out of respect for the trouble my family, psychologist, and psychiatrist went through and as a precaution against the latter feeling just being ego.

I live with my Mom (my parents are divorced) because the job I most recently have worked out for the 2 years since I came back has not allowed me to save up the necessary money to go back to the university I was formerly going to. I live with my Mom because she wants me to until I get things settled. I live with my Mom because that break down cost me deeply academically and I still need to rectify the situation to be allowed back. I live with my Mom because I have a friend in a somewhat similar situation academically and mentally (but no mental illness). He has allowed what I perceive to be his feelings of worried dependence and entrenchment to cost him financially as he tries to barely get by paying rent for his apartment on minimum wage rather than save up to go back to school. Despite that, he still respects people in my situation though.

Now, I won't pretend like I didn't let things slip by at times or was perfectly responsible or that a lot of the blame isn't on me. Heck, like I said earlier I take this too far sometimes to the point I'm not sure I have bipolar depression and, in my case, that line of thinking can get very dangerous. Still, yes much of it is my fault and I take it in stride and try to muster the will and pull myself up by my bootstraps. But, I was no more irresponsible than the average SUCCESSFUL college student likes to be from time to time without the kind of problems I had to deal with.

The fact of the matter is society is supposed to make it so the next generation has an easier time getting past the basics, that life is better, often dishonestly mischaracterized as coddling, so they waste less of their time and focus on progression. We stand on the shoulders of giants, don't we? We used to live in tribes and go out in a 100 mile radius scavenging. Now we don't. Should we lament more that people don't spend massive parts of their day anymore just getting their food because work ethic? We can spend our time more productively, working smarter, not harder. It doesn't mean we devalue a work ethic. It does make it sound like many, not all, older people are spiteful and envious when they should be creating those conditions for younger people in the first place because of how UNNECESSARILY hard they had it. They should not be destroying the limited capacity those conditions still exist because they want to recreate unnecessary hardship. There's necessary hardship and there's unnecessary hardship. We want to get rid of the latter and, from my point of view, you're obfuscating the two.

I posted this in another thread but it is relevant here too even if by some definitions I'm not a millenial:

EDIT: To the person/people saying people only move out when they're young because their parents help them finance it / they inherit from there parents: You need to get a fucking grip, mate. That has absolutely nothing to do with it - and is quite contrary to real life, I'm my exprience.

Just to reiterate...it can't be that sometimes this is true? Circumstance isn't important? I could just as easily say what you say is quite contrary to real life in my experience. Although, it's more to me that your perspective is quite different to my own.

 

[COMaestro]

When the whole "living in your parents basement" line comes out, usually there is more baggage that is intended and assumed to go with it. There's nothing necessarily wrong with living with one's parents, but the derogatory stereotype is of a person who lives with them, doesn't work or contribute anything to the household, has their parents cook and clean for them, and is essentially just a oversized child that can't do anything on their own. This is not to say that everyone who lives with their parents is like this, but when this situation is used as an insult, this is what is being implied.

I, personally, couldn't see living with my parents for any great length of time anymore, unless it gets to be later in life and they are living with me so I can help take care of them. After college I lived with an aunt and uncle for a year or two until I had found steady employment and was able to move into an apartment with my cousin. Since then, my girlfriend (now wife) and I moved in together in an apartment, moved to a different apartment, had kids, and for about a year now we have been living with some friends as we save up money to buy a house. If my parents lived anywhere near this area, I'd have no problems living with them for the year or two it will take to get that house, as it would be what I would consider short term. Moving back home to get back on your feet is fine IMO. It's only when someone moves in with their parents and doesn't really contribute anything that I question their value to society.

 

[sanquin]

Here in the Netherlands, or at least among people I know, it's not uncommon to still live with your parents until age 25~28. Though by that time you're usually expected to at least be able to rent an apartment or something. Luckily renting apartments isn't super expensive if you know where to look and aren't too picky.

Times change though. So I'd say you should only be living on your own once you have a decently stable job. If you still live with your parents while you have a decently stable income that could support an apartment, then it's a sign of immaturity, dependance and irresponsibility to me. Though I can perfectly understand living with your parents well into your 30's if you can't get a job for whatever reason.

 

[jamail77]

Yeah. A long-winded response rooted in you feeling personally insulted. I apologise for you being offended by my post and your situation sucks, but I still stand by opinion.

I saw dismissal of others, your reliance on anecdotes and assumptions, and targeted language. I am not personally insulted or offended by any of this. I merely took what I saw and tried to explain why some would take issue with your post due to those 3 things, to get you to better understand the perspective even if you ultimately don't agree. You can continue to believe whatever you want and you don't need to apologize. I did not make a long winded post because I felt insulted. I made a long winded post because I have had a writing conciseness problem for 10 years or so that I need to work harder on. I spent quite a lot of time on that trying to make it shorter and still failed, I know.

"Some" of your adult twenty-something friends even pay rent?

I paid rent to my mom, around 300 dollars a month at current dollar value, from eighteen until the day I moved out about a year and two months later. I got my first job cycling with papers when I was thirteen. With a couple of months break in-between jobs adding up to probably a year I've been working since then. That includes full-time factory work as I was saving up for moving out and part-time jobs during university such as bartending.

That is very admirable of you. I respect you greatly for that. I recently talked to someone working four jobs simultaneously. I have immense respect for that, I really do.

If you think our situations and maturity are on the same level you are simply mistaken. I have had "shit to deal with too", but I bend, I don't break. I power through, because my independence is very important to me.

I was not trying to pretend our situations were the same. My anecdote was to foster understanding; I was not trying to one-up you or anyone else who works hard and has your perspective. The assumptions about my situation of which I only told you a fraction about and my maturity are really uncalled for, especially since you don't know me in real life nor I you, and don't contribute to your argument against my point. As I said before

Now, I won't pretend like I didn't let things slip by at times or was perfectly responsible or that a lot of the blame isn't on me. Heck, like I said earlier I take this too far sometimes to the point I'm not sure I have bipolar depression and, in my case, that line of thinking can get very dangerous. Still, yes much of it is my fault and I take it in stride and try to muster the will and pull myself up by my bootstraps[and correct my mistakes by working even harder than before, by nurturing my independence even more].

I am not a child and I do not need help. I stand on my own two feet because I am an adult. That is how we are different. I do not lack empathy and I am sure there are some cases where living with your parent(s) is necessitated. I am talking about the cases where the person has a choice and we aren't talking about countries where it is a very ingrained part of their culture, that they remain in the same house.
The person who has that choice and chooses to live with his or her parents, because it is "easier" or whatever the fucking reason, is pathetic. They are immature and they are not someone I would want to associate myself with because we would have nothing to talk about, with their outlook being so skewed.

I try to stand on my own two feet. I'm currently trying to set up something I can do on my own, a form of self-employment, while looking for a more official second job. So, soon I will have 3 jobs, 1 unofficial and 2 official. I do all of the things I told you the responsible people do that nonetheless still live with their parents short of paying rent and paying certain bills. And, believe me I have tried (not hard enough, I ADMIT it). My mother refuses, only occasionally borrowing sometimes small, sometimes large sums of money from me that don't cover anywhere near the rent or CERTAIN bills I have not paid in my stay here. I am not happy with her continued refusal.

As for choice, I did not have much of a choice initially. When I broke down and was diagnosed I had to be monitored at home. I was not allowed to leave the house for a long period of time for fear of my safety, for fear I might injure myself as requested by my family and my psychiatrist and psychologist. Now that I have gone past that period I continue to stay for reasons far more complex than it is "easier", that I think very much meet the requirements of acceptability.

Also, as I said while you say we aren't talking about cultures like that you chose to nonetheless point out you saw it as odd. It seemed to me it still bothers you to an extent, if not in the same way. So, I brought it up because you felt the need to point it out as odd.