17, same here.Headsprouter said:
Short answer though, just about everything.
Warning, everything I have placed in this spoiler is pointless, whiny drama. Probably. The internet has blurred my vision between what's 'crying over nothing' and what's 'pathetic' and what is deemed 'okay' to feel.
Great.
I'm a writer that has SAD (yes, that's an actual disorder. Seasonal Affective Disorder) and switches in-between writing and art, it seems like the only times I can write 'well' is during the winter months...
And I want to be a novelist.
Plus I can't draw how I want to, none of my art looks like how I want it to look, I feel pathetic and shitty at just about every artistic thing I try to do, especially when I look back in retrospect and point out all the inconsistency therein. I'm incredibly jealous of people like Sakimichan and a bunch of different fan-fiction writers who seem to pump out thousands of words a day and it comes out like its fucking perfect. But moreso of Sakimichan (google her, facebook her, w/e, her art is perfect and I wish her all the best but yeah, a little jelly) because I have this horrible, horrible problem of needing to see my character the exact way I see them in my head, animated and alive and if not in a beautiful artistic way (I blame my love of Miyazaki in my younger age), but I can't fucking draw/paint. At all. Not even in the 'anime' style I've been practicing for two-three years now. I'm godawful at in comparison to my inspirations for loving the craft...
In addition, I'm a single girl whose been home schooled their entire life basically, I have no friends and I feel paranoid as hell because ever since I was little people have been trying to either snatch me (around 4 kidnapping attempts around my 8-13 years of age.) or keep me locked up in the house so I can't do anything, and sent me mixed messages that leave me so confused its like reading a typed political rant made by someone with eight different personalities. (Mom complains about me being lazy, doesn't want me to get a job or bugs me when I exercise even when I make it clear I don't want to talk.)
I feel extremely bitter and angry sometimes about things I can't do anything about, to the point of thoughts of physical violence. I'm concerned about things like dying young, dying a virgin without someone to love, dying without getting all the stories and fantasies out of my head first, living a shitty life, being forgotten like a broken part in a machine after I'm dead, but I can't 'cry' either because after all, cry is for wussies right? The only time I really let myself cry is when the Thanatophobia hits - and then its for two or three nights in a row before I'm able to calm down, but I only cry in the dark.
What really sucks though is, thanks to what I believe could be my own fault, I've built a persona that makes it okay to 'bother' me when I'm upset or sad, like my parents don't understand how I could cry or get angry. They expect (Iron Man 1 only) Tony Stark levels of snark and rudeness from me 24/7 because I've built that up through the years and played it up because...it was funny at the time but now, with the state I'm in right now as I'm typing this I want to cry and kill the world.
I'm in a special program in my school that gives me a scholarship if I pass with high marks, since I'm so smart, but I'm terrified that I'm going to get that scholarship, appear at some kind of test to prove that I learned what the school says I learned and then flunk it and all that hard work goes straight down the drain.
Even better, I have no idea what I'm going to get my degree in because to be honest, I love writing but I can't see myself making a living off of what I'm making now in life. I need more practice, more of a fanbase, more word choice and a much large vocabulary that could take years to learn and correctly place into my work. So I'm considering Business Management or just plain Business since I hear its easy and I've done Microeconomic college work before with my mom's college book.
I'm concerned that my horrible sense of hygiene is going to kill me. Really I should be taking a shower - its nearly midnight and I don't even remember when I last bathed. This sucks.
Great. Now I feel like one of those over the top girls who exaggerate every problem they see. Perfect. This thread is awesome. Can I get some anxiety to go please?
And I want to be a novelist.
Plus I can't draw how I want to, none of my art looks like how I want it to look, I feel pathetic and shitty at just about every artistic thing I try to do, especially when I look back in retrospect and point out all the inconsistency therein. I'm incredibly jealous of people like Sakimichan and a bunch of different fan-fiction writers who seem to pump out thousands of words a day and it comes out like its fucking perfect. But moreso of Sakimichan (google her, facebook her, w/e, her art is perfect and I wish her all the best but yeah, a little jelly) because I have this horrible, horrible problem of needing to see my character the exact way I see them in my head, animated and alive and if not in a beautiful artistic way (I blame my love of Miyazaki in my younger age), but I can't fucking draw/paint. At all. Not even in the 'anime' style I've been practicing for two-three years now. I'm godawful at in comparison to my inspirations for loving the craft...
In addition, I'm a single girl whose been home schooled their entire life basically, I have no friends and I feel paranoid as hell because ever since I was little people have been trying to either snatch me (around 4 kidnapping attempts around my 8-13 years of age.) or keep me locked up in the house so I can't do anything, and sent me mixed messages that leave me so confused its like reading a typed political rant made by someone with eight different personalities. (Mom complains about me being lazy, doesn't want me to get a job or bugs me when I exercise even when I make it clear I don't want to talk.)
I feel extremely bitter and angry sometimes about things I can't do anything about, to the point of thoughts of physical violence. I'm concerned about things like dying young, dying a virgin without someone to love, dying without getting all the stories and fantasies out of my head first, living a shitty life, being forgotten like a broken part in a machine after I'm dead, but I can't 'cry' either because after all, cry is for wussies right? The only time I really let myself cry is when the Thanatophobia hits - and then its for two or three nights in a row before I'm able to calm down, but I only cry in the dark.
What really sucks though is, thanks to what I believe could be my own fault, I've built a persona that makes it okay to 'bother' me when I'm upset or sad, like my parents don't understand how I could cry or get angry. They expect (Iron Man 1 only) Tony Stark levels of snark and rudeness from me 24/7 because I've built that up through the years and played it up because...it was funny at the time but now, with the state I'm in right now as I'm typing this I want to cry and kill the world.
I'm in a special program in my school that gives me a scholarship if I pass with high marks, since I'm so smart, but I'm terrified that I'm going to get that scholarship, appear at some kind of test to prove that I learned what the school says I learned and then flunk it and all that hard work goes straight down the drain.
Even better, I have no idea what I'm going to get my degree in because to be honest, I love writing but I can't see myself making a living off of what I'm making now in life. I need more practice, more of a fanbase, more word choice and a much large vocabulary that could take years to learn and correctly place into my work. So I'm considering Business Management or just plain Business since I hear its easy and I've done Microeconomic college work before with my mom's college book.
I'm concerned that my horrible sense of hygiene is going to kill me. Really I should be taking a shower - its nearly midnight and I don't even remember when I last bathed. This sucks.
Great. Now I feel like one of those over the top girls who exaggerate every problem they see. Perfect. This thread is awesome. Can I get some anxiety to go please?
Non-pg13 under the mark...
And I have an extremely twisted view of sex I think, thanks to porn, erotica and my mother's constant annoyance of me... So that's great. I want a man that I KNOW, logically, literally cannot exist. I know every facet and thing about him, I know his favorite color, I know how he likes his hair and his eggs, I know what his laugh is like down to the decibel - I even fucking named this sonovabitch who doesn't exist. (And now I'm concerned I'm crazy. Great.) It hurts to think that I'm actually so greedy to even hope that I'll actually just find him one day, walking around looking for me like some twilight-style fairy tale. I'm concerned that I'm never going to meet 'him' and that he really will exist. It hurts to think that he might just exist and I'm just freaking out over nothing, only to end up with him being interested in someone else or with a 'preference' that doesn't align with mine, or being everything I've ever wanted and me just not being in the right place or time to meet him, only to see it years later and realize the horrible mistake I made.
I'm terrified that I'm going to be sexually inadequate compared to all the other girls who've been having sex since ages like 14, 15, 16, I'm afraid that I will eventually be raped by someone I trust (I have a grandfather who is a known pedophile and raped my FAVORITE aunt when she was younger. She's an alcoholic, depressed, angry, cynic now, but I love her.) and then no one will believe me or care because, hey, just another little girl who had sex, changed her mind halfway through and is now just crying rape.
It is less of an uncommon story then you think.
I'm terrified that I'm going to be sexually inadequate compared to all the other girls who've been having sex since ages like 14, 15, 16, I'm afraid that I will eventually be raped by someone I trust (I have a grandfather who is a known pedophile and raped my FAVORITE aunt when she was younger. She's an alcoholic, depressed, angry, cynic now, but I love her.) and then no one will believe me or care because, hey, just another little girl who had sex, changed her mind halfway through and is now just crying rape.
It is less of an uncommon story then you think.