Why do so many marriages fail today?

[ZephrC]

Divorces being more acceptable is a substantial part of it, but more than anything I think the real cause of increasing divorce rates is simply that until around a hundred years ago the average life expectancy was 30 some-odd years.

A decade or two together is far less intimidating than more than half a century with one person. That's a loooooooooooooooooooong time.

 

[JochemDude]

I don't know, maybe they just marry because they feel like they should. I've been with my girl for like 8 years (after being friends since pre-school) I don't feel any reason to get married, we are trying for kids, but neither of us really feel like getting married. We have a very open relationship and I don't think there's any way it could go wrong.

 

[trollnystan]

Lives are more stressful now I suppose. And people expect instant gratification in all things including marriage or have swallowed Hollywood's Prefect Romance image, and seem unwilling to actually work at it. I don't get people who go into marriage thinking it'll all be roses and sunshine. Marriage is HARD. Long-term relationships of all kinds are hard. Not all the time, but shit happens at some point in everyone's lives and you either work hard together to get past it or you can just give up. So many seem to give up.

And you'll probably not stay in love with your partner the entire time,[footnote]Although you might still love, respect and/or care for him/her. By "in love" I mean that heady rush of emotion that you have in the beginning of a relationship that can fade, become dulled, or in some cases become refined into something deeper as time passes. Yes, I'm a cynical romantic. Or romantic cynic.[/footnote] but you might fall back in love with your partner if you keep working at your relationship.

That's some of my thoughts on the matter anyway. Never been in a intimate long-term relationship myself so maybe I'm just talking out of my ass.

 

[velcrokidneyz]

3. Acceptance of divorce, obviously. It's less traumatizing on children and on the adults now than it was in the past. There is more support and less stigma.

Um i wanna call bullshit on that, when my parents divorced it was not that easy. at all. it fucking kills me still and it caused me to hate my father more than anyone on this planet, so i call bullshit hardcore.

And I'm going to call bullshit on your call of bullshit! XD

There is no shred of doubt that in the past divorce was more traumatic for all involved. If you were the child, everywhere you went people would be judging you and your life. You would be put down by everyone and you would be seen as a lesser child. A "bastard" child.

Today, no one really cares that your parents broke up outside your family. You can still find work, love and opportunity. In the past you would have a really hard time finding any of that if your parents were divorced, because it was a huge social stigma.

Hope I explained it well enough!

i see what yuou mean but what i took initally was that it doesnt affect anyone anymore and it was as rouitine as doing laundry. but i see that i misinterpreted it.

 

[ShakyFt Slasher]

An absence of God and waiting for sex until marriage, this is my belief.

 

[Brandon237]

Just a little advice from a guy who celebrated his 7th anniversary exactly 10 days ago and is still happily married (no kids in the picture...yet)

1. Birth control, people, birth control. Don't bring another life into the world until you have your shit straight first.

2. Live below your means. It's better to have an older car and be able to fix the plumbing/Air conditioner/random crap that quits on you than to have a nice car and be broke.

3. Chillax. Discuss and work out your problems and don't hold grudges.

4. While sometimes you can seem more like business partners, you are still lovers. Act like it.

Many couples don't do the above things, and it's the poor kids who really pay for it in the end.

I'm not married so I wouldn't know for sure, but that sounds like some really solid, good advice there, I think I will keep that in mind for the future. And happy anniversary

OT: these days there is not the same negative stigma attached to those who get divorces, it is seen as socially acceptable.

 

[Amberella]

Most people when they get married say, "Well if we have a problem or multiple problems that we can always get divorced." When you get married divorce should be the last thing on your mind!!! Marriage is hard!! It takes time, work, good communication, and a bunch of other things. Alot of people nowadays don't want something that can't be easily fixed. They don't want to work at something that could very well be the best thing in their life.

I don't buy the "we grew too far apart." No, I'm sorry but that is bull-crap! If that were really true no marriage would have ever worked. Yes, you change and so does the other person, but love (I mean real honest and true love) is recognizing that change and accepting and caring about that person for what they have become. Why else would we say for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and health till death do us part? To some people that means nothing. They just get bored and decide I don't think I want to love this person anymore or either stop trying to make it work. When love isn't like that.

You like someone for the qualities and you love them for their defects.

 

[Blow_Pop]

Just a little advice from a guy who celebrated his 7th anniversary exactly 10 days ago and is still happily married (no kids in the picture...yet)

1. Birth control, people, birth control. Don't bring another life into the world until you have your shit straight first.

2. Live below your means. It's better to have an older car and be able to fix the plumbing/Air conditioner/random crap that quits on you than to have a nice car and be broke.

3. Chillax. Discuss and work out your problems and don't hold grudges.

4. While sometimes you can seem more like business partners, you are still lovers. Act like it.

Many couples don't do the above things, and it's the poor kids who really pay for it in the end.

and from watching my parents and my friends parents I also add:

5. Don't cheat on your spouse.

Society doesn't seem to frown as much on spouses cheating on each other. I'm sorry but that's a BIG deal to me. Also, people are getting lazier. It seems much simpler to get a divorce than to work problems out. My parents have been happily married for 27 years. If I ever get married(doubtful but still may happen) I want a marriage like theirs. Only less kids.....maybe 1 if any.....

 

[destiaer]

I would blame how we romanticize marraige and the misconceptions bourne from what we see in a good portion of the media. Movies, TV, and a few games as well drive us to a certain viewpoint of the subject, and while most of us wish for a knight in shining armour or the untouchable beauty, we often can never meet our desires, and sometimes those very knights and lovelies are not as beautiful on the inside as the out. Maybe mankind has become too impatient to have a monogomous relationship. With all the distractions and pretty people we got walking around the streets, this would also be logical. In the end, it's probably a mix of a lot of things, but I would say that the majority of our culture might not be well fit for the prospect of marraige.

 

[Jonluw]

I'm saying it's because people can divorce these days.
The view of marriage has changed in society, it's no longer written in stone when you get married, so now people don't have to put up with marriages they're unhappy in.

 

[scythian0528]

The first significant fact I learned in sociology was that romance and financial independence is leading to an increase in divorce. If both partners in a marriage have their own sources of income they are less dependent on each other and less likely to put up with the other in times of emotional hardship. In addition romantic love has a tendency to be inconsistant. So, in general, a romance based marriage starts off really well and then gradually goes downhill.

Divorce isn't necessarily a bad thing. Actually, I personally think it's better that a nation has a moderate divorce rate than a nation with nearly no divorce, as such a condition would indicate societial and individual oppression.

 

[SillyBear]

An absence of God and waiting for sex until marriage, this is my belief.

Because nothing is better than finding out your wife and you aren't sexually compatible just after you married her. That helps things along just great!

 

[TheLaofKazi]

In my most likely controversial opinion, it's because it's unrealistic to expect to be able to confine yourself romantically and sexually to one person for the rest of your life. People change, conditions change, and you aren't going to get everything you need from one person. I don't think humans are meant to just have one lover for their entire life, just as they aren't meant to have one friend.

It's more complicated, but the ease of divorce has a lot to do with it (and that's a good thing). Before divorce you had abandonment. Back in ye olde days, a man could just pick up and leave his kids and wife behind. Or you know, beat them into acting how he wanted.

Plenty of failed marriages don't end in divorce. One of my friends in highschool's parents were "stayed together for the kids".

This is certainly a good point. Higher divorce rates aren't necessarily bad. If the marriage has failed, I would rather the couple divorce instead of be forced to stay together in misery. Honestly, as bad as this may sound to other people, I think easier divorces are a step in the right direction. We need to move away from this legally binding, strictly monogamous standard for serious relationships. I'm not saying everything should practice polyamory or something, but people should have the freedom to do so in society. Yes, people have the choice not to get married, but our society still pressures a lot of people into getting married. Marriage was on of the many ways society oppressed women back then. Women were brought up to be dependent on getting married to a man to be successful. It has certainly gotten way better and more equal now, but the attitude that marriage is the standard is still prominent in our society, and I think we need to move away from such a view to a more open and free one.

I just realized the opinion I typed out is basically this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Free_love

 

[CODE-D]

People get married first then learn about each others true self later, kinda backwards really.

 

[zeldagirl]

3. Acceptance of divorce, obviously. It's less traumatizing on children and on the adults now than it was in the past. There is more support and less stigma.

Um i wanna call bullshit on that, when my parents divorced it was not that easy. at all. it fucking kills me still and it caused me to hate my father more than anyone on this planet, so i call bullshit hardcore.

And I'm going to call bullshit on your call of bullshit! XD

There is no shred of doubt that in the past divorce was more traumatic for all involved. If you were the child, everywhere you went people would be judging you and your life. You would be put down by everyone and you would be seen as a lesser child. A "bastard" child.

Today, no one really cares that your parents broke up outside your family. You can still find work, love and opportunity. In the past you would have a really hard time finding any of that if your parents were divorced, because it was a huge social stigma.

Hope I explained it well enough!

Actually, having done my psychology thesis on divorce, overall, divorce has a more negative impact on the children of the divorcees. Yes, it might be socially more acceptable now, but there is a whole host of other psychological issues that affect children of divorce all their lives, including greater difficulty in school as a child, lower levels of commitment, communication, and honesty with their relationship partners, and a greater chance of divorce themselves when they become adults and marry.

To answer your original question:

First, divorce shouldn't be automatically conflated with bad - for many couples, it can be seen as a relationship mediator or positive change. For others, it allows one half of the couple to legally escape a distressing, binding situation (victims of spousal abuse now have the freedom to leave, whereas it was not always easy before).

But to get to the bad side of divorce - I think everything stems from a lack of communication. Many people mentioned schedule differences, money philosophies, even birth control (which I think is a bit absurd, because love is NOT solely focused on physical attraction); all of these can be attributed to communication. You build relationships through communication - if you cannot communicate with your partner, then your problems will just build up. Every interpersonal, romantic relationship will have problems - if you cannot effectively communicate with your partner about how to navigate those problems, you have no chance.

I would also say that a little humility goes a long way - you have to be able to accept yourself (and your partner) as less than perfect, and capable of making mistakes. Once you learn that, and the ability to acknowledge your own imperfections, its easier to communicate about solving problems, saying sorry, and being responsible about the success of the relationship.

 

[SillyBear]

3. Acceptance of divorce, obviously. It's less traumatizing on children and on the adults now than it was in the past. There is more support and less stigma.

Um i wanna call bullshit on that, when my parents divorced it was not that easy. at all. it fucking kills me still and it caused me to hate my father more than anyone on this planet, so i call bullshit hardcore.

And I'm going to call bullshit on your call of bullshit! XD

There is no shred of doubt that in the past divorce was more traumatic for all involved. If you were the child, everywhere you went people would be judging you and your life. You would be put down by everyone and you would be seen as a lesser child. A "bastard" child.

Today, no one really cares that your parents broke up outside your family. You can still find work, love and opportunity. In the past you would have a really hard time finding any of that if your parents were divorced, because it was a huge social stigma.

Hope I explained it well enough!

Actually, having done my psychology thesis on divorce, overall, divorce has a more negative impact on the children of the divorcees. Yes, it might be socially more acceptable now, but there is a whole host of other psychological issues that affect children of divorce all their lives, including greater difficulty in school as a child, lower levels of commitment, communication, and honesty with their relationship partners, and a greater chance of divorce themselves when they become adults and marry.

Did you even read what I wrote man? That's lovely, but it has nothing to do with anything I was talking about. I was just saying in the past divorce was even more traumatic than it is now. Which it was.

 

[Ham_authority95]

Pretty straight forward.

Why?

Is it simply to do with the fact that there are no faults divorces now, so in the past people were just as unhappy but were unable to divorce each other?

Or is it more complicated and is it a reflection of our social climate?

I'd love to hear your thoughts. What do you think?

We have higher living standards now. In the old days, marriage was one of the only ways up the social latter(especially for women), and it was a social law that you get married when you have children. Nowadays you can be single and be the richest person on the planet and we have birth control.

Many people who get married these days aren't doing it for the reasons their grandparents probably did it, so it doesn't work as well in the modern context. Now people marry for love. "Love" is a very new reason to marry, and it shows in the divorce rates.

We as a society really need to think about marriage and how it can work for us, even if it means that we decide it's not worth it.

I personally don't want to get married. If I want to be with someone for my whole life, it will happen or fail, social contract or not.

 

[zeldagirl]

3. Acceptance of divorce, obviously. It's less traumatizing on children and on the adults now than it was in the past. There is more support and less stigma.

Um i wanna call bullshit on that, when my parents divorced it was not that easy. at all. it fucking kills me still and it caused me to hate my father more than anyone on this planet, so i call bullshit hardcore.

And I'm going to call bullshit on your call of bullshit! XD

There is no shred of doubt that in the past divorce was more traumatic for all involved. If you were the child, everywhere you went people would be judging you and your life. You would be put down by everyone and you would be seen as a lesser child. A "bastard" child.

Today, no one really cares that your parents broke up outside your family. You can still find work, love and opportunity. In the past you would have a really hard time finding any of that if your parents were divorced, because it was a huge social stigma.

Hope I explained it well enough!

Actually, having done my psychology thesis on divorce, overall, divorce has a more negative impact on the children of the divorcees. Yes, it might be socially more acceptable now, but there is a whole host of other psychological issues that affect children of divorce all their lives, including greater difficulty in school as a child, lower levels of commitment, communication, and honesty with their relationship partners, and a greater chance of divorce themselves when they become adults and marry.

Did you even read what I wrote man? That's lovely, but it has nothing to do with anything I was talking about. I was just saying in the past divorce was even more traumatic than it is now. Which it was.

...except you only spoke about the (hypothetical) social aspect. Psychologically, that is not necessarily true, and you don't really have any foundation for that statement. Divorce was (hypothetically) more traumatizing in a social way (because it was uncommon) but it's marginalizing to state it's less traumatic now for those people who have to deal with it. Which, btw, is what the poster was saying when you tried to tell him "nope, not more traumatic now." He was talking about it's effect on him, psychologically. You're essentially talking about two entirely different constructs.

EDIT: also, perhaps you should clarify the difference between "traumatizing" and "stigmatized." Because while divorce is LESS stigmatized now, it's still not completely accepted, and it's certainly not any less traumatizing for those undergoing it.

 

[Canid117]

Because divorce is socially acceptable now. Rates were a lot lower when it was a ***** to legally get rid of your spouse.

 

[Pyramid Head]

I personally believe that marriage hasn't kept up with the social climate. No one really quite seems to grasp what marriage is anymore since it's no longer legally binding a misogynistic nut to a sex slave, and as society becomes more and more relaxed about bullshit norms that keep growing weaker as women gain civil rights, it's hard to make sense of it. Society really just needs to sit down and think about what marriage is.

Oh, and the celebrities who get married as publicity stunts and shotgun weddings that turn abusive don't help either.