Why do so many marriages fail today?

[Griffolion]

Pretty straight forward.

Why?

Is it simply to do with the fact that there are no faults divorces now, so in the past people were just as unhappy but were unable to divorce each other?

Or is it more complicated and is it a reflection of our social climate?

I'd love to hear your thoughts. What do you think?

This is what I personally think. We have to go back about 4 decades to when social observers began to observe a very significant paradigm change in the way people thought about marriage and life in general.

Pre-1970 (1960's probably began piling the straw on the camels back) people took on an attitude of 'self-denial' towards life and marriage. This meant that short term pleasures/needs were sacrificed for the achievement of longer term goals. For example, a couple would not divorce if they weren't getting on for a period of time for the kids' sake. Personally, my grandparents were testament to this. My grandma would tell me about times she could have walked out on my granddad (for probably being an arshole, like all men do) but didn't and stuck it through because there were children involved. Likewise, my granddad told me similar stories.

In the 1970's and post this decade, people began to put more emphasis on 'self-gratification', where they would not look past short term needs for the sake of longer term ones. Therefore, marriages began to split more because the husband or wife couldn't stand being with their spouse and thus divorced for their own comfort, dealing with the kids/whatever afterwards.

Of course factor in that as times became more modern, women have (rightfully) received more power and ability to go out and make a living in the world, that fear of 'how will I support my kids' that will have hung over their heads in earlier times has been alleviated.

Also factor in that many western societies (Britain for definite) put very little emphasis on marriage and now accommodate things like civil partnerships which have all the legal entitlements and boundaries of marriage, but they just aren't marriages and therefore are easier to separate from.

I also think that people rush into marriage without truly knowing the person they're going to spend their life with. Thus when they start to see quirks they've never seen before, it freaks them out that and can cause breaks.

Anyway, they're just my thoughts, I could be off base on some of them.

PS - A guy called Rob Bell did a good video on marriage/people being together called "Flame". You can watch it free on http://player.flannel.org/map. Click "Get a free ticket" and on the following page scroll to the right until you see Flame. I found it interesting.

Marriage doesn't work particularly effectively as a social institution anymore due to the shift in social values that became mainstream in the 1970s.

Oh my word, you totally ninja'd me!

 

[manic_depressive13]

Here's an anecdote my grandmother loves to tell with a straight face every time I don't do my chores:

There was a girl who was very lazy, and although it was about time she got married, no one wanted her. However, a man approached her parents one day and asked for her hand in marriage. They warned him that she is very lazy, never does the house work, and would not make a good wife. He said that since she is pretty he would have her anyway. The morning after they got married, she slept in. The next morning he woke her up at dawn and beat the shit out of her with a stick, after covering her with some sort of heavy blanket (not sure how to translate that bit). Ever since then, she was a loyal and diligent wife! And they all lived happily ever after.

So remember little girls, if you don't do the housework, your husband will beat the shit out of you, just like you deserve. This is an anecdote from only two generations ago. If you squint a little, this post does in fact answer your question.

 

[Particulate]

Pretty straight forward.

Why?

Is it simply to do with the fact that there are no faults divorces now, so in the past people were just as unhappy but were unable to divorce each other?

Or is it more complicated and is it a reflection of our social climate?

I'd love to hear your thoughts. What do you think?

It's a social thing mostly, my ex (HAHA) was a sexual and relationship councilor that had a lot to say on the subject.

Marriage is intended to be a LIFELONG commitment. Then why is it that the expected marriage age for most people is in their late 20s to early 30s, the tail end of the first third of their life and also the age where they usually have the most debt? Now fifty years ago it wasn't nearly as bad but fifty years ago the average person wasn't thousands of dollars in debt and looking for work.

Go around asking twenty somethings if they could see themselves sleep with one person for the rest of their life, knowing full well that they and their partner would get old and feeble. Hell ask them if they could just LIVE with one person for the rest of their lives, they they could find one person that shares enough of their tastes and interests as they do and that would evolve as person at a similar rate to them.

The trouble with marriage is that people change. Their interests and tastes change with the times and their surroundings. Finding one person when society seems to demand that you find one person is insane but at the same time that's why so many people now are getting divorced. Because that's what society has dictated. You go to dinner a few times, you start sleeping together, then you get married. That's the normal routine. But People are doing that when they're teenagers now which means that phase three is coming in their mid to late twenties. So their entering into binding relationships, with legal factors, when they're not even sure the exact path that their lives might take or what appeals to them at a core level in a relationship... which, guess what, is why my ex and I broke up. Despite her knowing everything there was to know about sex and relationship growth (seriously, when we split she was about a year and a half away from her doctorate) as people we were just interested in different things. We liked different things and we had dramatically different tastes when it came to interacting with one another and spending time together.

That and she was a malicious and manipulative succubus but that's besides the point.

 

[Colour Scientist]

The Pill. Straight up.

Tricks a woman's body to think it's pregnant (simplest explanation), this changes the type of men woman are attracted to, even unnoticeable things like their scent and taste of saliva. So the girl meets a guy and they fall in love, eventually get married and may have some kids, usually gets pregnant before she notices any change and this maintains the effect the pill had. Eventually several years down the track, she's no longer taking birth control and her preferences change without her knowing, suddenly the man she shares her bed with doesn't smell or taste or feel like the man she fell in love with, may not desire to have sex with. All of this puts strain on the marriage, till it falls apart or one of them cheats.

At least that's my theory. Of course not all divorces are because of this, but I figure a significant proportion are influenced by it.

Edit: I'm also not just making this up there's research done into the oral contraceptives effect on the major histocompatibilty complex which determines what sort of partner you seek. When your not pregnant you want new and different genes to create a stronger offspring, but when you're pregnant you want similar genes around you so you and the child are less likely to get sick.

Edit: Edit:
Reference:
http://rspb.royalsocietypublishing.org/content/275/1652/2715.full

First of all, it tricks your body into thinking you've ovulated not that fertilization has occurred. I know you said "simplest explanation" but it really is a colossal difference.

Second, I've gone for the same type of guy since I hit puberty and have been in relationships with guys both on and off the pill for a substantial amount of time. There was no difference and, also, many women don't use oral contraceptives until they have been with a guy for a long period of time (given the potential risk of STDs, condoms would be used until trust has been built up) so, by your theory, their preference would change once they start on the pill and the relationship would end there.

Third, I doubt even a significant proportion of the married population use oral contraception anymore. A lot of people opt for the other forms of contraception because they require less effort and can be more reliable (eg. the implant).

OT: Personally I think it's because marriage is too easy to get into and too easy to get out of. So many couples get married too young these days because, hey, if it goes tits up there's always divorce.
It should be easy to get out of a marriage but more people should realize that the institution has changed with the times. Marriage doesn't have the sanctity it used to have, and it certainly isn't for life anymore, and maybe that's a good thing.

 

[orangeapples]

My friend told me that her Relationships professor was going through a divorce. If a person with a doctorate in sociology mainly focusing on relationship science is getting a divorce, we're all screwed... Regular people don't stand a chance. ><

 

[ZephrC]

Divorces being more acceptable is a substantial part of it, but more than anything I think the real cause of increasing divorce rates is simply that until around a hundred years ago the average life expectancy was 30 some-odd years.

A decade or two together is far less intimidating than more than half a century with one person. That's a loooooooooooooooooooong time.

 

[JochemDude]

I don't know, maybe they just marry because they feel like they should. I've been with my girl for like 8 years (after being friends since pre-school) I don't feel any reason to get married, we are trying for kids, but neither of us really feel like getting married. We have a very open relationship and I don't think there's any way it could go wrong.

 

[trollnystan]

Lives are more stressful now I suppose. And people expect instant gratification in all things including marriage or have swallowed Hollywood's Prefect Romance image, and seem unwilling to actually work at it. I don't get people who go into marriage thinking it'll all be roses and sunshine. Marriage is HARD. Long-term relationships of all kinds are hard. Not all the time, but shit happens at some point in everyone's lives and you either work hard together to get past it or you can just give up. So many seem to give up.

And you'll probably not stay in love with your partner the entire time,[footnote]Although you might still love, respect and/or care for him/her. By "in love" I mean that heady rush of emotion that you have in the beginning of a relationship that can fade, become dulled, or in some cases become refined into something deeper as time passes. Yes, I'm a cynical romantic. Or romantic cynic.[/footnote] but you might fall back in love with your partner if you keep working at your relationship.

That's some of my thoughts on the matter anyway. Never been in a intimate long-term relationship myself so maybe I'm just talking out of my ass.

 

[velcrokidneyz]

3. Acceptance of divorce, obviously. It's less traumatizing on children and on the adults now than it was in the past. There is more support and less stigma.

Um i wanna call bullshit on that, when my parents divorced it was not that easy. at all. it fucking kills me still and it caused me to hate my father more than anyone on this planet, so i call bullshit hardcore.

And I'm going to call bullshit on your call of bullshit! XD

There is no shred of doubt that in the past divorce was more traumatic for all involved. If you were the child, everywhere you went people would be judging you and your life. You would be put down by everyone and you would be seen as a lesser child. A "bastard" child.

Today, no one really cares that your parents broke up outside your family. You can still find work, love and opportunity. In the past you would have a really hard time finding any of that if your parents were divorced, because it was a huge social stigma.

Hope I explained it well enough!

i see what yuou mean but what i took initally was that it doesnt affect anyone anymore and it was as rouitine as doing laundry. but i see that i misinterpreted it.

 

[ShakyFt Slasher]

An absence of God and waiting for sex until marriage, this is my belief.

 

[Brandon237]

Just a little advice from a guy who celebrated his 7th anniversary exactly 10 days ago and is still happily married (no kids in the picture...yet)

1. Birth control, people, birth control. Don't bring another life into the world until you have your shit straight first.

2. Live below your means. It's better to have an older car and be able to fix the plumbing/Air conditioner/random crap that quits on you than to have a nice car and be broke.

3. Chillax. Discuss and work out your problems and don't hold grudges.

4. While sometimes you can seem more like business partners, you are still lovers. Act like it.

Many couples don't do the above things, and it's the poor kids who really pay for it in the end.

I'm not married so I wouldn't know for sure, but that sounds like some really solid, good advice there, I think I will keep that in mind for the future. And happy anniversary

OT: these days there is not the same negative stigma attached to those who get divorces, it is seen as socially acceptable.

 

[Amberella]

Most people when they get married say, "Well if we have a problem or multiple problems that we can always get divorced." When you get married divorce should be the last thing on your mind!!! Marriage is hard!! It takes time, work, good communication, and a bunch of other things. Alot of people nowadays don't want something that can't be easily fixed. They don't want to work at something that could very well be the best thing in their life.

I don't buy the "we grew too far apart." No, I'm sorry but that is bull-crap! If that were really true no marriage would have ever worked. Yes, you change and so does the other person, but love (I mean real honest and true love) is recognizing that change and accepting and caring about that person for what they have become. Why else would we say for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and health till death do us part? To some people that means nothing. They just get bored and decide I don't think I want to love this person anymore or either stop trying to make it work. When love isn't like that.

You like someone for the qualities and you love them for their defects.

 

[Blow_Pop]

Just a little advice from a guy who celebrated his 7th anniversary exactly 10 days ago and is still happily married (no kids in the picture...yet)

1. Birth control, people, birth control. Don't bring another life into the world until you have your shit straight first.

2. Live below your means. It's better to have an older car and be able to fix the plumbing/Air conditioner/random crap that quits on you than to have a nice car and be broke.

3. Chillax. Discuss and work out your problems and don't hold grudges.

4. While sometimes you can seem more like business partners, you are still lovers. Act like it.

Many couples don't do the above things, and it's the poor kids who really pay for it in the end.

and from watching my parents and my friends parents I also add:

5. Don't cheat on your spouse.

Society doesn't seem to frown as much on spouses cheating on each other. I'm sorry but that's a BIG deal to me. Also, people are getting lazier. It seems much simpler to get a divorce than to work problems out. My parents have been happily married for 27 years. If I ever get married(doubtful but still may happen) I want a marriage like theirs. Only less kids.....maybe 1 if any.....

 

[destiaer]

I would blame how we romanticize marraige and the misconceptions bourne from what we see in a good portion of the media. Movies, TV, and a few games as well drive us to a certain viewpoint of the subject, and while most of us wish for a knight in shining armour or the untouchable beauty, we often can never meet our desires, and sometimes those very knights and lovelies are not as beautiful on the inside as the out. Maybe mankind has become too impatient to have a monogomous relationship. With all the distractions and pretty people we got walking around the streets, this would also be logical. In the end, it's probably a mix of a lot of things, but I would say that the majority of our culture might not be well fit for the prospect of marraige.

 

[Jonluw]

I'm saying it's because people can divorce these days.
The view of marriage has changed in society, it's no longer written in stone when you get married, so now people don't have to put up with marriages they're unhappy in.

 

[scythian0528]

The first significant fact I learned in sociology was that romance and financial independence is leading to an increase in divorce. If both partners in a marriage have their own sources of income they are less dependent on each other and less likely to put up with the other in times of emotional hardship. In addition romantic love has a tendency to be inconsistant. So, in general, a romance based marriage starts off really well and then gradually goes downhill.

Divorce isn't necessarily a bad thing. Actually, I personally think it's better that a nation has a moderate divorce rate than a nation with nearly no divorce, as such a condition would indicate societial and individual oppression.

 

[SillyBear]

An absence of God and waiting for sex until marriage, this is my belief.

Because nothing is better than finding out your wife and you aren't sexually compatible just after you married her. That helps things along just great!

 

[TheLaofKazi]

In my most likely controversial opinion, it's because it's unrealistic to expect to be able to confine yourself romantically and sexually to one person for the rest of your life. People change, conditions change, and you aren't going to get everything you need from one person. I don't think humans are meant to just have one lover for their entire life, just as they aren't meant to have one friend.

It's more complicated, but the ease of divorce has a lot to do with it (and that's a good thing). Before divorce you had abandonment. Back in ye olde days, a man could just pick up and leave his kids and wife behind. Or you know, beat them into acting how he wanted.

Plenty of failed marriages don't end in divorce. One of my friends in highschool's parents were "stayed together for the kids".

This is certainly a good point. Higher divorce rates aren't necessarily bad. If the marriage has failed, I would rather the couple divorce instead of be forced to stay together in misery. Honestly, as bad as this may sound to other people, I think easier divorces are a step in the right direction. We need to move away from this legally binding, strictly monogamous standard for serious relationships. I'm not saying everything should practice polyamory or something, but people should have the freedom to do so in society. Yes, people have the choice not to get married, but our society still pressures a lot of people into getting married. Marriage was on of the many ways society oppressed women back then. Women were brought up to be dependent on getting married to a man to be successful. It has certainly gotten way better and more equal now, but the attitude that marriage is the standard is still prominent in our society, and I think we need to move away from such a view to a more open and free one.

I just realized the opinion I typed out is basically this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Free_love