If you've been on the Internet for more than a few hours, I'm sure you've probably heard something about this mysterious "friend zone" so many guys apparently get trapped in. If you haven't, the basic theory is this: If you are friends with a girl you like, she will not notice or consider your interest because you are friends. In her mind, you are a friend and ONLY a friend, never to be considered as anything else. There's even a meme based on the theory, Friend Zone Fiona [http://www.quickmeme.com/Friendzone-Fiona/oldest/5/?upcoming] (a bit of adult language in there, look out).
As a female, and having spent most of my life around a LOT of females who have been in a LOT of relationships (most of them in high school, mind) I find this theory quite baffling. I mean usually the stereotypes about guys and girls and relationships are based in SOME sort of logic or plausible event, but this is utter nonsense. And I think I've figured why. The way I see it, the friend zone is based on three misconceptions about women and relationships.
1. ANY girl you like will like you back if given the opportunity.
The concept of the "friend zone" is based on the situation of a guy likes a girl but she doesn't seem to be reciprocating. Meaning, the guy is running on the assumption that the girl does like him, she just hasn't realized it yet. Guys, I have some bad news for you. Just because you like a girl, it doesn't mean she's going to like you back. I don't care how well you know her, I don't care how well she knows you, I don't care how much you think you were made for each other. That's just not how it works. Relationships are a two way street--she has to like you just as much as you like her. And, believe it or not, it is very possible for you to be head over heels for someone, and they be totally disinterested. Trust me, that's the short version of the all stories of my crushes in high school, and I've seen many a friend join me in it. That's probably why they're called "crushes."
2. Girls do not have the ability to view friends as potential boyfriends.
There's a book by a guy named Chad Eastham, and in it he gave what I think is about the most accurate comparison of girl and guy's minds. Guys are like waffles. Everything in their mind is in totally separate compartment from all the other parts. This is why guys are often better at not being emotionally attached about sex than women are. Their sex drive and their desire for a single, dedicated mate are quite detached from each other (not always, and I realize that's broad, but compared to most women you have to admit most guys just do that better).
Now, the mind of a girl is more like spaghetti. Everything is all mixed and intermingled, one thing leading to the next and another and another thing. This is why girls tend to multitask better, can talk about a million things for hours on end, and have no problem continuing such conversations into the bathroom and back. "Bathroom? Whatever, it's just a more private place to chat!" There's less of a barrier there. Peeing and talking just isn't that big of a deal. There's no barrier (though being able to use stalls does help that, I suppose).
So in reality, girls are actually better at this than guys. Better at not putting things in such strict, separated boxes. Trust me: If she's available, she knows you, and she has the slightest inkling she might like you, then she's considered you as a possible date. The only thing that could keep her from thinking that is if she thinks you're not available (and even then that may not be a problem for her).
Also, here's a bit of "girl code" I'm going to let you in on. If you do outright tell a girl you like her, and she says she just wants to stay friends then that does NOT mean she hasn't considered it. That is her way of saying "I don't like you that way" without ruining your friendship with the harsh wording. It means exactly that--she wants to stay friends. She is not interested.
3. Relationships cannot sprout from friendships.
A lot of relationship threads pass through these forums, and one thing I see a lot of is this terminal fear of making friends with a girl before asking her out, all because of this mythical friend zone. But, then they run into trouble because asking out a girl who you're a total stranger to is rather creepy on her end. I am on the complete opposite spectrum of that friendship theory. I feel like the best relationships come from friendships. Honestly, I don't know if I'd want to date someone if I wasn't friends with them first. My brother and sister in law started out as friends. Now they've been together for more than 10 years, been married 3 of those years, and are about to build a house on some land they just bought.
And my first boyfriend started out as a friend. We met each other in October of that year, I realized I liked him around February, and around April he caught on and we got together. It didn't work out, but we had fun and left on friendly terms. But between February and April, there was a time when I guess you could say I was "friend zoned." We were going to see a movie with some friends, and he mentioned he was going to have trouble explaining to his parents that he was going to see a movie with a friend who was a girl, but not a girlfriend. Ouch, that stung. But I kept at him, finally made him aware of my feelings, and then he started chasing me back down. But, he didn't start making moves until he knew I liked him. And I understood that. He was a computer science major, not a psychic. And neither are women. If you've been working on a friend for a while and you're getting no response, just find a quiet place and outright tell her. I assure you, that is the fastest way to find out if there's going to be any reciprocation.
So in short, I feel like this "friend zone" is nothing more the invention of insecure guys who either don't understand how relationships work, or can't get up the gumption to get up and do something about the girl they are pining over. There may be situations similar to it, but it's not inescapable, and it is definitely not her fault. And I think that's the other thing that gets on my nerves about this--it shifts all the blame to the girl. It's not that the guy hasn't properly shown her he's interested, or even that it's totally out of his hands because he's just not her type. No, it's that she just isn't giving him a chance and she just can't see how perfect they are for each other. So please, cut it out. No more friend zones. If you like a girl, then do something about it. If she doesn't reciprocate, then just pack up and move on. There are way too many fish in the sea to get discouraged, and there is nothing wrong with having friends.
As a female, and having spent most of my life around a LOT of females who have been in a LOT of relationships (most of them in high school, mind) I find this theory quite baffling. I mean usually the stereotypes about guys and girls and relationships are based in SOME sort of logic or plausible event, but this is utter nonsense. And I think I've figured why. The way I see it, the friend zone is based on three misconceptions about women and relationships.
1. ANY girl you like will like you back if given the opportunity.
The concept of the "friend zone" is based on the situation of a guy likes a girl but she doesn't seem to be reciprocating. Meaning, the guy is running on the assumption that the girl does like him, she just hasn't realized it yet. Guys, I have some bad news for you. Just because you like a girl, it doesn't mean she's going to like you back. I don't care how well you know her, I don't care how well she knows you, I don't care how much you think you were made for each other. That's just not how it works. Relationships are a two way street--she has to like you just as much as you like her. And, believe it or not, it is very possible for you to be head over heels for someone, and they be totally disinterested. Trust me, that's the short version of the all stories of my crushes in high school, and I've seen many a friend join me in it. That's probably why they're called "crushes."
2. Girls do not have the ability to view friends as potential boyfriends.
There's a book by a guy named Chad Eastham, and in it he gave what I think is about the most accurate comparison of girl and guy's minds. Guys are like waffles. Everything in their mind is in totally separate compartment from all the other parts. This is why guys are often better at not being emotionally attached about sex than women are. Their sex drive and their desire for a single, dedicated mate are quite detached from each other (not always, and I realize that's broad, but compared to most women you have to admit most guys just do that better).
Now, the mind of a girl is more like spaghetti. Everything is all mixed and intermingled, one thing leading to the next and another and another thing. This is why girls tend to multitask better, can talk about a million things for hours on end, and have no problem continuing such conversations into the bathroom and back. "Bathroom? Whatever, it's just a more private place to chat!" There's less of a barrier there. Peeing and talking just isn't that big of a deal. There's no barrier (though being able to use stalls does help that, I suppose).
So in reality, girls are actually better at this than guys. Better at not putting things in such strict, separated boxes. Trust me: If she's available, she knows you, and she has the slightest inkling she might like you, then she's considered you as a possible date. The only thing that could keep her from thinking that is if she thinks you're not available (and even then that may not be a problem for her).
Also, here's a bit of "girl code" I'm going to let you in on. If you do outright tell a girl you like her, and she says she just wants to stay friends then that does NOT mean she hasn't considered it. That is her way of saying "I don't like you that way" without ruining your friendship with the harsh wording. It means exactly that--she wants to stay friends. She is not interested.
3. Relationships cannot sprout from friendships.
A lot of relationship threads pass through these forums, and one thing I see a lot of is this terminal fear of making friends with a girl before asking her out, all because of this mythical friend zone. But, then they run into trouble because asking out a girl who you're a total stranger to is rather creepy on her end. I am on the complete opposite spectrum of that friendship theory. I feel like the best relationships come from friendships. Honestly, I don't know if I'd want to date someone if I wasn't friends with them first. My brother and sister in law started out as friends. Now they've been together for more than 10 years, been married 3 of those years, and are about to build a house on some land they just bought.
And my first boyfriend started out as a friend. We met each other in October of that year, I realized I liked him around February, and around April he caught on and we got together. It didn't work out, but we had fun and left on friendly terms. But between February and April, there was a time when I guess you could say I was "friend zoned." We were going to see a movie with some friends, and he mentioned he was going to have trouble explaining to his parents that he was going to see a movie with a friend who was a girl, but not a girlfriend. Ouch, that stung. But I kept at him, finally made him aware of my feelings, and then he started chasing me back down. But, he didn't start making moves until he knew I liked him. And I understood that. He was a computer science major, not a psychic. And neither are women. If you've been working on a friend for a while and you're getting no response, just find a quiet place and outright tell her. I assure you, that is the fastest way to find out if there's going to be any reciprocation.
So in short, I feel like this "friend zone" is nothing more the invention of insecure guys who either don't understand how relationships work, or can't get up the gumption to get up and do something about the girl they are pining over. There may be situations similar to it, but it's not inescapable, and it is definitely not her fault. And I think that's the other thing that gets on my nerves about this--it shifts all the blame to the girl. It's not that the guy hasn't properly shown her he's interested, or even that it's totally out of his hands because he's just not her type. No, it's that she just isn't giving him a chance and she just can't see how perfect they are for each other. So please, cut it out. No more friend zones. If you like a girl, then do something about it. If she doesn't reciprocate, then just pack up and move on. There are way too many fish in the sea to get discouraged, and there is nothing wrong with having friends.
