Why Twilight is nonsensical.

[Acier]

I think Meyer actually explained it. It's not that they don't have fluids it's that male vampires are usually infertile. But Edward is special so he magically get Bella pregnant. It was a complete retcon but it has actually been explained.

 

[TheDrunkNinja]

Really?! Stephenie Meyer ignoring the rules of vampirism?! Watch as I sarcastically make a O.O face.

EDIT: Okay, I'm gonna have to take back what I said. I recently remembered that Alucard from the Castlevania series is half vampire, as in Dracula, an undead creature, did it with a human. That is a tough question though...

 

[haku1219]

...........magic?....

 

[haku1219]

or hope and love?......ill go with magic

 

[Nevyrmoore]

Well, considering Vampire: The Masquerade (or was it The Requiem?) said that it was possible for a vampire to give the illusion that they're breathing, and that there's a skill that allows a vampire to keep down solid food for several hours before they need to throw it back up, I'd say it would be possible for a vampire to force their body into having an erection.

Actually making a child, however? Bollocks.

 

[Abedeus]

VAMPIRES ARE NOT SPARKLY. A few notable examples: Vlad the Impaler (AKA Count Dracula), Kane, Angel, Blade, Nosferatu, seriously, this woman wrote a crappy book that doesn't deserve any of the credit it's getting, its a crappy romance novel about magic fairy princesses that have a thing for blood

Yeeaah. Vlad wasn't a vampire, he was inspiration for Dracula. Many years later, after his death, of course. He was an incredibly cruel sadistic maniac, who would impale people on giant wooden stakes just for teh lulz. Sounds familiar?

Are you saying Vlad was the past-version of a /b/tard?

Maybe not /b/, but a troll for sure.

Well, considering Vampire: The Masquerade (or was it The Requiem?) said that it was possible for a vampire to give the illusion that they're breathing, and that there's a skill that allows a vampire to keep down solid food for several hours before they need to throw it back up, I'd say it would be possible for a vampire to force their body into having an erection.

Actually making a child, however? Bollocks.

Actually, I think they breathe out of habit. Also because breath is the only thing that allows people to talk. Notice how people who are suffocating can't shout for help... Air striking vocal cords makes sounds, no breathing = no air = no voice.

Also explains why usually older, or even ancient vampires and those that wake up after a long time have weak, fragile voices. Atrophy of the vocal cords plus having to control lungs after such a long time.

Like zombies, just because they have a total control of their bodies after death, doesn't mean they want to do it. It's like juggling 7 chainsaws at the same time. Besides, someone with so little blood reaching the brain can't really afford to waste it on getting erections. Not to mention, the easiest and most efficient way of making new vampires is infecting people.

THAT MAKES EVEN LESS SENSE - WHY GO THROUGH ALL THE EFFORT OF FERTILIZING A WOMAN 100 YEARS YOUNGER?! Just bite some small kid and collect him in few years.

 

[Akai Shizuku]

I think Meyer actually explained it. It's not that they don't have fluids it's that male vampires are usually infertile. But Edward is special so he magically get Bella pregnant. It was a complete retcon but it has actually been explained.

That's still a shit explanation.

 

[SamuelT]

VAMPIRES ARE NOT SPARKLY. A few notable examples: Vlad the Impaler (AKA Count Dracula), Kane, Angel, Blade, Nosferatu, seriously, this woman wrote a crappy book that doesn't deserve any of the credit it's getting, its a crappy romance novel about magic fairy princesses that have a thing for blood

Yeeaah. Vlad wasn't a vampire, he was inspiration for Dracula. Many years later, after his death, of course. He was an incredibly cruel sadistic maniac, who would impale people on giant wooden stakes just for teh lulz. Sounds familiar?

Are you saying Vlad was the past-version of a /b/tard?

Maybe not /b/, but a troll for sure.

I just had the most wonderful image pop in my head.

I'm going to replicate it.

Edit:

It has been done...

 

[molester jester]

Yay another anti twilight thread how interesting and original

 

[Xanadu84]

Your right, and other Vampire stories do it to. I mean, take Dracula. Dead things aren't able to walk, and yet he walks ALL THE TIME. And don't even get me started on Zombies. I mean we know that they are dead, and without a beating heart, how are they supposed to utilize there muscles to shamble around?

There is a LOT to criticize Twilight over. This is not one of those things. He can use that particular bodily function because hes a Vampire (kind of), and Vampires do a lot of things that normal dead things shouldn't be able to do. That's the point of Vampires in fiction. That's the point of Fiction. That shit don't work, so we write stories about it.

 

[Nevyrmoore]

Well, considering Vampire: The Masquerade (or was it The Requiem?) said that it was possible for a vampire to give the illusion that they're breathing, and that there's a skill that allows a vampire to keep down solid food for several hours before they need to throw it back up, I'd say it would be possible for a vampire to force their body into having an erection.

Actually making a child, however? Bollocks.

Actually, I think they breathe out of habit. Also because breath is the only thing that allows people to talk. Notice how people who are suffocating can't shout for help... Air striking vocal cords makes sounds, no breathing = no air = no voice.

That all depends on which vampire source you're going by. Remember that you really can't completely add science into the mix, because vampires work by magic. In reality, they'd likely be similar to Owen in Torchwood; they're dead, so they can't feel pain, but they have to exercise daily to prevent the muscles from deteriorating and they can't heal. And they would definitely not have super-strength and speed.

Double checking my VtR sourcebook, it doesn't say anything about breathing. It does say their vampires can have sex, however. But it's only for the carnal pleasure.

 

[Drakmeire]

he always has one I guess, if your dead your body goes into a state called rigor mortis where your body hardens as the blood stops flowing, the reason twilight is nonsensical is because it spends a whole bunch of time building up this giant vampire battle and then everyone just sits around talking for 40 pages and saying "OH look a cute baby! lets not fight."
and that Edward and Bella clearly have nothing in common or anything to talk about. EVER!

Actually, it's the muscles that become rigid, so there's no reason for dead people to get an erection. The penis becomes erect because blood starts to pool in it.

I figured if the blood stops flowing most of it will pool in the penis and it does have a muscle running through the shaft so I guess that would harden, though I never did study whether or not rigor mortus affects that area.

 

[Ren3004]

he always has one I guess, if your dead your body goes into a state called rigor mortis where your body hardens as the blood stops flowing, the reason twilight is nonsensical is because it spends a whole bunch of time building up this giant vampire battle and then everyone just sits around talking for 40 pages and saying "OH look a cute baby! lets not fight."
and that Edward and Bella clearly have nothing in common or anything to talk about. EVER!

Actually, it's the muscles that become rigid, so there's no reason for dead people to get an erection. The penis becomes erect because blood starts to pool in it.

I figured if the blood stops flowing most of it will pool in the penis and it does have a muscle running through the shaft so I guess that would harden, though I never did study whether or not rigor mortus affects that area.

Sorry, it doesn't work like that. The blood pools in the part of the body that's lower. And I never head of a muscle going through the penis.

Still, why are we discussing SCIENCE! in a thread about sparkling vampires?

 

[DeathWyrmNexus]

Rigor mortis? XP

.....This would mean that he never goes soft.

By god..... Assemble the Extraordinary League of Manly Men.... I think we've solved the reason as to why women love Twilight.

Egads!

*strokes beard pensively* We must act at once.

 

[Mr. In-between]

Why is there a thread about an emo mormon abstinence fanfic on the Escapist?

 

[DeathWyrmNexus]

Well, considering Vampire: The Masquerade (or was it The Requiem?) said that it was possible for a vampire to give the illusion that they're breathing, and that there's a skill that allows a vampire to keep down solid food for several hours before they need to throw it back up, I'd say it would be possible for a vampire to force their body into having an erection.

Actually making a child, however? Bollocks.

Actually, I think they breathe out of habit. Also because breath is the only thing that allows people to talk. Notice how people who are suffocating can't shout for help... Air striking vocal cords makes sounds, no breathing = no air = no voice.

That all depends on which vampire source you're going by. Remember that you really can't completely add science into the mix, because vampires work by magic. In reality, they'd likely be similar to Owen in Torchwood; they're dead, so they can't feel pain, but they have to exercise daily to prevent the muscles from deteriorating and they can't heal. And they would definitely not have super-strength and speed.

Double checking my VtR sourcebook, it doesn't say anything about breathing. It does say their vampires can have sex, however. But it's only for the carnal pleasure.

Time of Thin Blood in that game system has vampires that breed. However, it is limited to the final generation, 15th, that are barely vampires at all. Sun does Lethal damage to them and they can have biological functions beyond just blood if they expend 5 or more blood points at once.

But yea, Vampires in VtM have night ultimate mastery of the blood in their body. However, with the exception of 15th gen, ALL of their bodily fluid is blood. So they would ejaculate blood assuming they wanted to waste the blood. They can feel pleasure and pain but lack the living connection to sex that mortals have. So they do it for purely cerebral and emotional reasons, like you said.

They don't have to breathe so their lungs are smaller than mortals, existing only for illusion and the capacity for speech, since they are dead.

/dork who has been reading all the old source books for the last two months to run game.

 

[spartan231490]

I know this one. Is it because it's a fantasy series. Of course it's nonsensical, it's about vampires and shape-shifters for fuck's sake.

 

[Nevyrmoore]

Well, considering Vampire: The Masquerade (or was it The Requiem?) said that it was possible for a vampire to give the illusion that they're breathing, and that there's a skill that allows a vampire to keep down solid food for several hours before they need to throw it back up, I'd say it would be possible for a vampire to force their body into having an erection.

Actually making a child, however? Bollocks.

Actually, I think they breathe out of habit. Also because breath is the only thing that allows people to talk. Notice how people who are suffocating can't shout for help... Air striking vocal cords makes sounds, no breathing = no air = no voice.

That all depends on which vampire source you're going by. Remember that you really can't completely add science into the mix, because vampires work by magic. In reality, they'd likely be similar to Owen in Torchwood; they're dead, so they can't feel pain, but they have to exercise daily to prevent the muscles from deteriorating and they can't heal. And they would definitely not have super-strength and speed.

Double checking my VtR sourcebook, it doesn't say anything about breathing. It does say their vampires can have sex, however. But it's only for the carnal pleasure.

Time of Thin Blood in that game system has vampires that breed. However, it is limited to the final generation, 15th, that are barely vampires at all. Sun does Lethal damage to them and they can have biological functions beyond just blood if they expend 5 or more blood points at once.

But yea, Vampires in VtM have night ultimate mastery of the blood in their body. However, with the exception of 15th gen, ALL of their bodily fluid is blood. So they would ejaculate blood assuming they wanted to waste the blood. They can feel pleasure and pain but lack the living connection to sex that mortals have. So they do it for purely cerebral and emotional reasons, like you said.

They don't have to breathe so their lungs are smaller than mortals, existing only for illusion and the capacity for speech, since they are dead.

/dork who has been reading all the old source books for the last two months to run game.

Bear in mind I quoted from the Requiem rulebook, which is New World of Darkness and does away with generations, using blood potency instead.

 

[Not G. Ivingname]

<spoiler=Yes this is a real spoiler alert>Later in the series, Edward the sparkly "vampire" and Bella have a baby. Jacob pedo jokes aside, it makes no sense that Edward and Bella had this kid, because it makes no sense that Edward and Bella can have sex. You see, the Twilight "vampires" are supposed to be undead. This by itself is a worthy reason, but what I'm really getting at is the fact that they have no blood in their bodies, save that which they drink. If vampires have no blood in their bodies, how the fuck does Edward get a boner?

Simple.

Plot holes.

 

[omega 616]

The "werewolves" are giant huskies and your concerned with a guy wang?

I have never seen a twi film 'cos it looks painful to watch, two legendary scary things have been turned into a big, fluffy, cutesy, andrex puppy dogs and apparently super sexy, smoking hot guys who girls of all ages have dreams about.

What next? Friday the 13th and Jason is dressed as a fairy and wields a pink wand.