"Winning" someone's love

[MakerofMysteries]

So a lot of movies, books, hell, even games, especially those dating simulators, empathise "winning" someone's love; in fact it's a rather common view throughout society, with deep roots in various fables and legends. As such, my query; why these mad mating rituals?

Perhaps I should explain. If we are to take the stereotypical example of a boy trying to win the girl of his dreams (probably defeating some evil arch nemesis along the way whilst performing a rocking guitar solo), the story usually goes that she initially shows no interest for him, perhaps even disdain, thus prompting him to impress her through various spectacles of supposed affection. In the end, she'll fall for him due to all his wacky, cloying attempts at romance, cut to kisses and wedding scene, the end.

Now, why the hell are we supposed to coerce relationships into existence via such efforts? Granted, love at first sight is far more moronic, but what good will ever come of forcing someone to become infatuated with you? Is this just the modern adaptation of someone pre-historic mating ritual where Grog crushes Trog's head and gives Groggina a flower so that they may procreate?

However, since all my romantic emotions and other lovey-dovey sentiments could barely fill the average teaspoon (and even then they'd be dissolved by my corrosive cynicism), I ask you, fellow escapists; what good comes of forcing love? Should it not grow naturally?

 

[ImBigBob]

I hate the idea of "winning" someone's love because the guy is doing all the work while the girl just sits back and reaps the benefits. Not to mention in most cases he doesn't know her very well, so he's putting her on a pedestal before he even knows her. That's not romantic, it's pathetic.

 

[JoJo]

This might be a good time to point out that the commonness of "winning someone's love" in stories isn't necessarily a reflection on society but rather that it would make for a rather boring story if the woman fell for the guy straight away! To be interesting a story has to have tension some way and having to win someone's love is a tried and tested way of doing so.

 

[King Billi]

Do you suppose your "corrosive cynicism" is colouring your perception a little bit here?


Love generally dosen't come to you without reason, unless it's love at first sight which you've already stated is moronic.

The stereotypes you describe could be an exagerrated representation of the idea of "courting" a practice largly outdated now.
Now the usual outcome when courting your beloved is that they will agree to marry you so broadly speaking you are "winning" their affection at this time through giving gifts and making promises.
At the same time though the period in which courting takes place is suppsoed to allow time for a couple to get to know each other and decide if they truly want to be together.


Now obviously as stated before these kinds of formal customs are out of date in this modern day and the stereotypes from books and film are probably just expressions of these traditions. That said I would say people tend to do alot of the same things nowadays just without such rigid rules.


In any case if you truly do love someone then In my opinion you are most certainly required to show it to them somehow. It's not about "winning" their affection but more expressing how important they are to you. Actions speak louder than words after all.

 

[cerealnmuffin]

I wonder if the prevalence of such a trope is what makes some guys think it will work in real life; hence, the perpetuation of the nice guy tm. A lot of geek medium, especially anime reflects the idea that if a girl doesn't like you then you just need to try harder and she will like you in the end. Then when a guy does that in real life (showers her with gifts, makes dramatic gestures of romance, does everything she'd want) and then gets reject, they wind up bitter and complain about 'the friend zone'.

 

[Loner Jo Jo]

Well, I think it mostly stems from the fact that our fantasies when it comes to story telling go back to very old fairy tales or fables or plays even. All those princess stories come from Medieval times or earlier. Back then, especially among the upper class and even to a lesser extent the lower classes, the man did have to "win" the affections of the woman. Mind you, it wasn't really her affections, but showing her/her father that you would make a suitable husband who is loyal and stable. Women served no purpose other than producing heirs and homemaking, so she needed to have someone take care of her as if she were a child.

So, yes, it is a completely antiquated idea at least in the sense that you are talking about. However, these tropes are just so imbedded in the cultural landscape, I don't think they are going anywhere for a long while.

Really, love and courtship always takes some "winning over" from both parties. Even in completely equal and healthy relationships, you still have to prove your trustworthiness or kindness or whatever quality your partner is looking for. People try to put their best foot forward in relationships because of that biological drive for reproduction/social drive for companionship.

Captcha: crime of passion. Now, those make good stories.

 

[Risingblade]

You do realize that those stories are vastly exaggerated for entertainment purposes right? Anyways love won't grow naturally if you're not around the person so winning someone's love is basically trying to create events in which you two get to know each other better and eventually fall in love.

 

[Canadamus Prime]

I like to think of it more as "earning" rather than "winning," but that's just me.

 

[MakerofMysteries]

I feel that I at this point should stress that I myself do not espouse these precise views on society, relationships etc. and that yes, of course the examples presented above are exaggerated.

So, yes, it is a completely antiquated idea at least in the sense that you are talking about. However, these tropes are just so imbedded in the cultural landscape, I don't think they are going anywhere for a long while.

This explains my thoughts on the matter quite well. It's might also be worth mentioning that my annoyance with this trend stems from the assertions of various acquaintances of mine (mostly females with, IMHO, distorted views on reality and romance). Also worth mentioning might be the fact that I value some of these individuals slightly less than stale cheese and that their intellects and ambitions might as well have been copy pasted from (insert crap reality show here). What worries me is that people whom I actually respect tend to agree with Giggle-Brains and Smash-Drink-Shag whenever the subject is broached; and anyway, this makes for good rant-material.

Finally, I realise that I probably just sound bitter and spiteful, but the Escapist is generally a good place to ask around if you want a decently intelligent, unprejudiced opinion. I feel glimmer of pride for my fellow escapist whenever someone preaches for acceptance and tolerance and equality for people of varying sexualities/genders/ethnicities/creeds/etc and most of the community eagerly nods along. Now, I don't know what I'm talking about, so long. *scampers off*

 

[Naeras]

These stories are made for entertainment purposes and thus need to have an "obstacle for the hero to overcome". Thus they end up telling a story about a dude who has to "work really hard to earn love", completely disregarding the fact that it doesn't work that way. Why? Well, for the sake of having a story, of course.

I wish someone would give teenagers a "don't try this at home"-warning before those kinds of movies. It could save some of them from unnecessary misunderstandings about how relationships and love works.

 

[thiosk]

I win love with money left on the dresser.

 

[PatrickXD]

Now, I don't know about what these stories meant to people a hundred years ago or more, but I never thought that these stories were necessarily about love. I thought they were more about teaching kids to be persistent and to work hard for what they want. If we were just showered with stories basically telling us that we will get what we want just by asking once, we'd be less 'prepared' to deal with loss.
I think it's also worth mentioning that often times in these stories the man attempting to woo the lady often improves his personality massively by the end of the narrative. Again, having narratives that basically tell us that we never need to change for anyone would be ridiculous. People need to compromise, to practise some introspection and iron out the kinks in our personalities that make us 'bad'. That's not to say that we shouldn't all have our nuances, of course we should and do, but to teach kids that they are perfect just the way they are - to allow that simple notion to permeate through a story - could be a recipe for disaster.

 

[neoontime]

I hate the idea of "winning" someone's love because the guy is doing all the work while the girl just sits back and reaps the benefits. Not to mention in most cases he doesn't know her very well, so he's putting her on a pedestal before he even knows her. That's not romantic, it's pathetic.

Same, always annoyed when a character is trying to win this girls heart cause she is attractive and when she doesn't feel he is attractive enough, he supposes all his work will make up for it. Kind of annoyingly hypocritical.
More OT: I get that work is needed to "get the girl/guy" but some people don't understand that, in this vast real world, not everyone is a relationship option and the fantasy of that crush just seems great because it's all fantasy.

 

[Thaluikhain]

Yeah, it's rather absurd.

More than that, lots of people grow up with that sort of stuff and believe in it. IMHO, this is where you get people whining about the friendzone...sure, she said she wasn't interested, but if I keep at it, she's obliged to change her mind and fuck me, right?

Not to mention those jokes about how someone acting like a guy from a rom-com would get locked up as a stalker...I daresay there's some truth to them.

 

[the darknees abyss]

you can't win love you have to earn the right to love

 

[hooblabla6262]

Love stories are pretty silly now that I think about it.
Never have I once had to put in more effort than "Want to go out?"

What more annoyed me was the point in love stories where the guy always has to screw up and undo all the work he puts in. And usually it's just a misunderstanding that he refuses to explain properly (people in tvland have a hard time communicating).
I watched a movie last night where I guy basically gets raped, then his girlfriend blames him for cheating. Tell her you got raped!

In any case,
True Romance is the best love story.

 

[Angie7F]

Love stories are silly.
If a girl has no interest in a guy, they usually do not have interest in the guy and it ends there.
The fact that the guy had a chance to "win" love means he was given a chance.
I think the interaction that happens during the "winning over" makes people grow fond of each other, but if there is no chance from the beginning nothing will develop.

 

[Palademon]

I dislike the idea of winning or earning love because it seems to imply a situation where someone is being annoyingly persistent after being rejected.