I'm in the same boat. Wait I'll post the first non racist bit and leave the rest to guess.DeltaWolfson said:
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven was a [redacted so as to avoid the ban-hammer]!!!
worst joke you've ever told
- Thread starter Stephen O'Hagan
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Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven was a [redacted so as to avoid the ban-hammer]!!!
This joke is simply known as "The Monkey Joke". For best use on your friends, make sure you have trouble telling it due to laughing too much.
So, 3 hunters are walking through the forest. They've been walking for several days and are getting tired, still with no kills.
Suddenly in a clearing, they spot a monkey. He's sitting on a rock deep in thought (for best result, make The Thinker pose).
They walk up to the monkey, "are you ok monkey? Monkeys are generally not great thinkers. What's on your mind?"
The monkey slowly looks up at them and says, "I'm confused".
Commence laughter.
So, 3 hunters are walking through the forest. They've been walking for several days and are getting tired, still with no kills.
Suddenly in a clearing, they spot a monkey. He's sitting on a rock deep in thought (for best result, make The Thinker pose).
They walk up to the monkey, "are you ok monkey? Monkeys are generally not great thinkers. What's on your mind?"
The monkey slowly looks up at them and says, "I'm confused".
Commence laughter.
"How many Jews can you fit in an oven?"
Theres no need to tell the punch line, its already the worst joke ever.
Theres no need to tell the punch line, its already the worst joke ever.
A baby with a punctured lung.
Oh God, no! I didn't mean it, I - AAAAAHHHHHHHHH I'm sorry, that was inappropriate.
In apologies for the above joke, I now present you with three more.
A BOY FELL IN MUD!
HE TOOK A BATH! WITH BUBBLES!
Bubbles is the girl next door.
Oh God, no! I didn't mean it, I - AAAAAHHHHHHHHH I'm sorry, that was inappropriate.
In apologies for the above joke, I now present you with three more.
A BOY FELL IN MUD!
HE TOOK A BATH! WITH BUBBLES!
Bubbles is the girl next door.
A Irishman, Scotsman and an Englishman walk into a bar. The barman says, "What is this, a joke?"
The one tennis ball says to the other tennis ball...
"Where have you been all day?"
To which the other tennis ball replies
"In court"
"Where have you been all day?"
To which the other tennis ball replies
"In court"
A friend of mine told me this one.
So i was walking down the street, eating a bowl of popcorn when a policeman stopped me and asked "what are you eating."
And i replied "popcorn."
.... Yea
So i was walking down the street, eating a bowl of popcorn when a policeman stopped me and asked "what are you eating."
And i replied "popcorn."
.... Yea
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because the holocaust.
...Not even the crickets support that one.
Because the holocaust.
...Not even the crickets support that one.
See thats the catch, the idea is that the person you tell the joke to guesses and no matter what number they guess (unless its 0 i suppose) you just give them a look like they're the sickest fuck in the world then walk away.Tanksie said:
All of them. I'm bad at telling anything funny and I'm not witty enough for dry humor.
Although, when I was five and didn't really understand jokes, I tried to invent some with absolutely no pun or anything remotely funny or clever. "Why did Pinky and the Brain want paper? To build a paper mouse house!" My sister laughed, but explained that it wasn't actually funny.
Although, when I was five and didn't really understand jokes, I tried to invent some with absolutely no pun or anything remotely funny or clever. "Why did Pinky and the Brain want paper? To build a paper mouse house!" My sister laughed, but explained that it wasn't actually funny.
My contribution:
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
- Nacho cheese
When is a door, a jar?
- When it?s opened.
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
What did the mayonnaise say when someone opened the refrigerator door.
- Close the door I am dressing!
What do you call a shoe made from a banana?
- A Slipper.
What is the difference between the substance inside a fire hydrant and the substance on the outside of it?
- H20 is on the inside, and K9P is on the outside.
Why don't witches have babies?
- Because their husbands have Haloweenies.
And last but not least.... *Drum roll please!!*
The chicken and the egg were lying in bed together, smoking cigarettes. The chicken leans over to the egg and says, "Well, I guess we answered *that* question!"
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
- Nacho cheese
When is a door, a jar?
- When it?s opened.
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
What did the mayonnaise say when someone opened the refrigerator door.
- Close the door I am dressing!
What do you call a shoe made from a banana?
- A Slipper.
What is the difference between the substance inside a fire hydrant and the substance on the outside of it?
- H20 is on the inside, and K9P is on the outside.
Why don't witches have babies?
- Because their husbands have Haloweenies.
And last but not least.... *Drum roll please!!*
The chicken and the egg were lying in bed together, smoking cigarettes. The chicken leans over to the egg and says, "Well, I guess we answered *that* question!"
I read that whole thing, and got so enthralled I forgot where I was reading it. But that was a glorious set up.USSR said:
You get a hundred internets and my respect.
OT:
A duck walks into a bar, asks the bartender "Hey do you have any grapes?"
The bartender looks at him and says "this is a bar, we don't serve grapes! get out of here!"
The duck walks out of the bar.
The next day, the duck returns and says "hey do you have any grapes?"
The bartender looks at him and say "Listen, I told you once we don't serve grapes here, if you come back, I'm gonna nail your bill to the bar!!"
The duck walks out, not saying a word.
The very next day, the duck comes back, looks the bartender straight in the eyes "do you have any nails?"
The bartender says "No, why the hell would I have nails?"
The duck grins, looks at the bartender again.
"Have any grapes?"
- What's Beethoven's favourite fruit?
- Ba na na naaa.
The guy with the workspace next to mine at school drives me insane with crappy jokes.
- Ba na na naaa.
The guy with the workspace next to mine at school drives me insane with crappy jokes.
oh dear god! that was actually a pretty nice story but the ending.... jesus that was so stupid. but hey, it made me giggle a little bit, so totally worth the hour it took to read (my brother was kind of distracting, made it harder to focus on it)Feralcentaur said: