your child is transgendered

[RealRT]

I'd urge them to wait until they come of age and then if they still want it, they can be whatever they want.

 

[babinro]

I'd grant them their wish up to the point of surgery or permanent change. It's their choice to do what they feel is right. I'd be hesitant about any permanent solution since it's a serious decision that can't be made lightly.

In other words, I'd generally support them as I would any other matter be it religious choice, career path, hobby choice.

 

[DudeistBelieve]

this is for everyone but as a transgirl myself, I have become curious.

Let's say you have a child and as they grow up you notice they're not like other kids. THey're either unusually effeminate or tomboyish, liking my little pony or transformers over what you would normally expect for a child.

And they're not growing out of it. In fact they're expressing a strong desire to become the opposite gender, saying that they want medicine to change them....

How, as a parent, would you handle this? Bear in mind we are talking about someone roughly around 13 years old.

What would you do, and why?

The sheer weight on my mind would be doing whats best for my kid... To me the weight of this problem is really knowing the sheer world of obstacles that will be in their way if they are indeed going that route and... I think as a parent anyone obviously want to shield them from that.

Now in this example at 13 yrs, I'm not exactly inclined to be all gunho go for it as I would be if my kid was older in making this decision. At 18, I'd be all right on. At 13 were still talking about what is essentially a child dealing with a lot of changes and drama in their life, and I'm not comfortable with accepting a decision that'll change their life to that magnatude on their word alone.

But I suppose if this is the situation, the only wise thing to do is get them to see a gender pyschologist (which they'd have to anyway if theyre going that route, no?) and have them confirm it and figure out the best course of action from there.

I mean, cause what the fuck could I do? It's my kid. It's not the life I'd pick for them or hope they would have, because it's certainly not going to be easy.

Kinda seems like a silly question though. If one has kids, you want to take care of them and do right by them. To act any other way, then you shouldn't be having kids. Granted my view of this comes with the fact I've never had religion in my life, and I'm reasonably educated on Trans issues. But still, the kids come first and you always act in the children's best interest. It's how I was raised, anyway.

 

[Areloch]

Someone really need to explain to me why having non-standard interests such as a boy liking MLP or a girl liking Transformers indicates they're transgendered.

I'm a full male adult and I like an incredible variety of things, everything from super macho violent shooters to MLP and shoujo anime. Doesn't make me a "girl". This is part of what makes this kind of thing utterly impossible for me to compute.

If I were in that situation, I'd probably have them checked out at a doctor to try and discern if it's mental/sexual disphoria, and if not just explain to them that what they like is their own business and they needn't feel compelled to adhere to societal standards of what they're supposed to act like or find enjoyable.

 

[DudeistBelieve]

I'd be very cautious in assuming anything about their identity merely from the clothes they like or what their interests are.

But, knowing the process itself, I would probably get them started down the road of talking to psychologists, hormones and the like as early as possible into puberty, if it were clear they were serious about it.

Surgery can certainly wait until they are adults, but honestly, if you force them to go through puberty in the wrong body you are potentially causing them permanent physical harm that will make the rest of their adult life much more difficult than it needed to be.
That's not to say you should let them jump blindly into stuff like that, but don't go around forcing them to wait until they're 18. That's cruel, and far too late in some ways...
If there's doubt, puberty blockers are a good starting point. They have reversible effects, and cause no real permanent harm regardless of what the child may decide when they are older.

That to me, is the real knife in the heart parenting question, because obviously a 13 year old can't objectively make that choice. A parent has to.

And of course, I want to be supportive and all that jazz, but this is an exceptionally tough choice to make for another human being. I'd probably go along with it if it's what the professionals tell me, but it's not a decision I'd make with much confidence that I'm doing the right thing.

 

[Trippy Turtle]

I'd tell them to wait until they were 18 to change.
I wouldn't mind if they wanted to, but I won't let them do something they might regret for the rest of their lives at such a young age.
Once they are 18 they are both old enough to decide, and its not my place to stop them.

If it is seriously distressing them I will probably get them therapy to deal with it. Not 'curing' their transgender but just putting up with being their current gender until they are old enough to decide.
Hard to know really though because I can't imagine caring what gender I am. A question for anyone transgender here: What difference does it make?
It won't change how you can act, or what you can do. Why do you feel the need for it to be physical rather than just being an effeminate guy or masculine girl?

CAPTCHA: ladies, first

Oh... so that's why...[footnote]Kidding[/footnote]

 

[Okamiyasha]

It won't change how you can act, or what you can do. Why do you feel the need for it to be physical rather than just being an effeminate guy or masculine girl?

Generally it's because you want the world (and yourself) to perceive you as how you feel inside.

Basically I don't want everyone to see me as a guy if I actually identify as a girl.

Works the same for names obviously. I might prefer to be called Ashley instead of Brad because that's more in line with my gender identity.

 

[Jesterscup]

My daughter loves transformers and at 8 has discovered nemesis the warlock. My son loves MLP. Seriously this sort of nonsense has to stop, lets stop classifying people by their interests, dress sense, preferred colour, choice of music etc?

I'd tell them to wait until they were 18 to change.
I wouldn't mind if they wanted to, but I won't let them do something they might regret for the rest of their lives at such a young age.
Once they are 18 they are both old enough to decide, and its not my place to stop them.

IIRC but the current guidance recommended by the NHS ( I'm in the uk ), is to allow a child to dress act etc, in the manner they feel fit without promoting gender roles on them. Beyond that children who show a strong need to be another gender can be prescribed hormone blockers, this is the least invasive option and allows the person in question to decide ( in either direction) with the least possible ramifications later on.

It's been shown that gender reassignment is far more successful and results in a better quality of life if puberty has been 'blocked' as post-puberty ( particularly in regards to mtf, not saying it's otherwise, just my ignorance in regards to ftm ).

If it is seriously distressing them I will probably get them therapy to deal with it. Not 'curing' their transgender but just putting up with being their current gender until they are old enough to decide.

I can understand where you are coming from with this, but wouldn't it be better to help leave their options open rather than cause more hardship down the road if they do want to gender reassign?

Hard to know really though because I can't imagine caring what gender I am. A question for anyone transgender here: What difference does it make?
It won't change how you can act, or what you can do. Why do you feel the need for it to be physical rather than just being an effeminate guy or masculine girl?

Not to sound weird, but thats because you 'feel' the sex you are, bring you is something so natural to you you don't even notice, I mean can you imagine being 'you' as you are, but in the body thats another gender ( no in fact don't answer that.... ).

Now try to imagine that who you are, and the body you have are at complete odds with each other, that you feel you have to pretend to be something you're not, because for some reason your body isn't how it should be.
I'm not fully 'trans' (there is a reasons it's called the "trans-spectrum"), I'm never going to actually transition, nor live full time as a woman, for my part I manage to 'put up' with having to be someone I'm not part of the time, and being 'allowed' to actually be in some small way happy with myself at other times. For me this works, it's not a single choice, but a collection of choices, which effect every aspect of my life, my family, my children, my career, my identity etc.

 

[Techno Squidgy]

I'm not sure I have much new to add to this conversation. First, I don't think playing with the "wrong" toys or anything like that would be an issue, I've always thought that whole idea was pointless. There are so many things to learn from so many different toys, why would I choose to restrict my child's learning, imagination and pool of experience/inspiration? Anyway, onto the real question.

So, if my child did tell me they were transgender, I think the first step would be to have an open, honest discussion. I'd have a lot of questions to ask. When did they first think they were transgender? When were they first sure that they were? How did they come to the realisation that they were transgender? Are they sure that they would be happier as the opposite gender, or does the problem perhaps lie somewhere else? This list isn't necessarily in the right order and certainly not exhaustive. Most importantly, I would listen to what they had to say, not just their answers to my questions. From there we could work out what the next step is, which I imagine would be straight to research, so we can both learn everything we need to know, from the basics to the science, tech and procedures involved. Then I guess we'd have another discussion (from an informed point of view) about the next step, which probably involves some kind of professional.

This is all hypothetical though, in reality the situation could potentially unfold very differently. I mean, if I had a kid, there's probably a mother somewhere in that picture, and how would she react to that? Things would also be very different depending on the child's age and maturity, whether they approach problems the same way I do, how good of a father I would actually be compared to how good I think I might be, all kinds of stuff. Basically what I'm saying is the previous paragraph is more how I would like things to go, than any concrete statement on how they would go.

On another note, assuming I manage to procreate at all, I can't help but imagine I'm going to end up raising kids that will be nightmares for the authority figures in their lives. Teachers certainly. "Actually, Miss, that's not how it works..."

 

[Eclipse Dragon]

Even if not presenting as the gender they feel they are, it's still a case that suppressing hormones is a bit of a grey area, and at the very least certainly affects how a child will look and function in an important time. These years often affect the entire life of a child and having their ability to reach their academic goals at this age affected by some treatment for a thing I don't trust them to have fully made up their mind about seems like a really bad idea.

Not to mention the affect bullying has its victims long after high school.

Here's an interesting scenario to consider. I identify as female, was assigned female at birth, however, I have a medical condition in which my adrenal glands, if left unchecked produce an abundance of male hormone. This wrecked absolute hell on my body as a child and I was bullied. It also caused irreversible changes in my development. My growth was permanently stunted (In other words, I'm shorter than I should be), my voice is deeper than a typical female and monotone. Self confidence at that age, forget it. What I wouldn't have given for my condition to be caught early by doctors, what I wouldn't have given for treatment.

I'm not trans, however I imagine a trans child would have gone through similar circumstances, their bodies developing in ways they don't wish for. Hormones are extremely powerful and if this is something the child is serious about, acting sooner rather than later will produce the best and smoothest results. However it's pretty agreed upon that adulthood is the best time to make permanent decisions that will effect the rest of ones life, this is where hormone blockers become useful, because waiting until adulthood may cause irreparable damage.

That being said, messing with hormones is also risky and involves medical side effects that may not have been taken into account. I basically live on HRT and seven years into treatment, doctors got wind that "oops steroids can affect the body's ability to absorb vitamin D". My vitamin D levels were extremely low and I had to add yet another pill and several blood tests in order to fix it. However, while HRT is a pain in the ass, I am basically trading my one giant problem for several small annoyances and I would never want to go back to living as I did.

I have also recovered very well from the bullying since I'm old enough to understand that kids are cruel and will even bully over the most petty things (my dad was bullied because his last name starts with an O). Bullying can also be dealt with immediately when and if it's encountered.

As for what children are capable of knowing about their own bodies at the age of thirteen, it was thirteen year old me that decided something was wrong and I needed to go to the doctor. My parents took me to the doctor and low and behold, something was wrong.

 

[Jesterscup]

On another note, assuming I manage to procreate at all, I can't help but imagine I'm going to end up raising kids that will be nightmares for the authority figures in their lives. Teachers certainly. "Actually, Miss, that's not how it works..."

My kids are like that! We teach them Science, Music, Math, Latin & History at home. Both of them regularly come home having been told off for correcting their teachers for being wrong. My favourite example was my daughter doing this and the teacher saying to her "I know, but we have to teach this, it's easier for the others to understand".

 

[chinangel]

I would sit them down and have a proper talk about it. I would explain that there's no such thing as transgendered and it was just something people who were sick and unhappy did to themselves.

I would explain that you are who you are, that no amount of invasive surgical mutilation would ever make them a real girl/boy and that modern medicine was essentially offering a cathartic opiate like physical solution to a problem that does not need it.

I would tell them that it's okay to like anything, I'm a man. Straight, white male. Simple as that. Doesn't mean I don't like romantic comedies, or pink, or exfoliating face washes. I would finish by telling him everyone is unique, there's no point trying to pigeonhole yourself into social roles designed by wishy washy liberals with no scientific insight whatsoever. Just be happy being who are you and I'll take you to the butchers so you can see what you almost got yourself into.

as transgendered woman myself, i have to say that there is so much here that is wrong. There are so many psychologists, psychiatrists and mental health experts that would tell you you are wrong, as well as people who have lived this.

If your child was transgendered, you just told them 'i don't accept you', and they may struggle with their feelings for a long time.

Or they may just reject your viewpoint and do whatever they can to get where they need to be. With, or without your blessing.

I prefer to think of myself as forward thinking rather than wrong. Plus at the end of the day I get a kid that is still normal and not butchered like twins in a concentration camp.

not necessarily. And it's hard to say that it's 'forward thinking' since effectively the entire mental health organization says you're very wrong.

Beyond that, if your child truly is transgendered, all you've done is delayed the inevitable.

 

[keniakittykat]

My brother in law (in the process of becoming my sister in law) was piss-scared to come out as who she really was. So if I ever had a child with gender issues, I would just let him or her have a talk with that sister. She would know exactly what the child is going through, so she would be more helpful than we could ever be.

 

[NotEvenOnce]

I do now, and have always believed that being transgender is a really silly, confusing thing. I'd probably just explain to my child that what they like, what they do, and the things they're passionate about shouldn't ever be bound by what genitals they were born with, and that in my opinion, the society we live in cares far too much for over-classification and definition of identity. His, or her gender is nothing more than the genetics he or she was born with, and that doesn't change, but to allow them to be so uncomfortable with something that is, beyond genetics, so completely useless and irrelevant that they have to go through their life actively rebelling against what's attached to their body because they've assigned an arbitrary meaning to it I'd feel like I've failed a little in giving them greater perspective. I don't see why people care so much about what people call them, or what they "are" because what they are isn't the body they inhabit. I don't see why people feel like a "man" or a "woman" as opposed to just being a person. Personally, most of the transgendered people I've met have been a lot more unstable, or stuck in a specific frame of mind than the people who don't understand them.

 

[KyuubiNoKitsune-Hime]

I would sit them down and have a proper talk about it. I would explain that there's no such thing as transgendered and it was just something people who were sick and unhappy did to themselves.

I would explain that you are who you are, that no amount of invasive surgical mutilation would ever make them a real girl/boy and that modern medicine was essentially offering a cathartic opiate like physical solution to a problem that does not need it.

I would tell them that it's okay to like anything, I'm a man. Straight, white male. Simple as that. Doesn't mean I don't like romantic comedies, or pink, or exfoliating face washes. I would finish by telling him everyone is unique, there's no point trying to pigeonhole yourself into social roles designed by wishy washy liberals with no scientific insight whatsoever. Just be happy being who are you and I'll take you to the butchers so you can see what you almost got yourself into.

as transgendered woman myself, i have to say that there is so much here that is wrong. There are so many psychologists, psychiatrists and mental health experts that would tell you you are wrong, as well as people who have lived this.

If your child was transgendered, you just told them 'i don't accept you', and they may struggle with their feelings for a long time.

Or they may just reject your viewpoint and do whatever they can to get where they need to be. With, or without your blessing.

I prefer to think of myself as forward thinking rather than wrong. Plus at the end of the day I get a kid that is still normal and not butchered like twins in a concentration camp.

not necessarily. And it's hard to say that it's 'forward thinking' since effectively the entire mental health organization says you're very wrong.

Beyond that, if your child truly is transgendered, all you've done is delayed the inevitable.

Well there is a difference between transsexual, which I know can be a loaded word, and transgender. Essentially most sources I've spoken too and read say that transgender is an umbrella term that encompasses all those who don't fit standard gender norms. I'm transgender but have absolutely no interest in going for the surgical option. The surgical option is first and foremost permanent, a disturbing number of trans people commit suicide post operation feeling they've made a terrible mistake. So it's an option that needs to be weighed with very serious consideration.

Another thing is that almost everyone I know who is in the mental health sphere got there first and foremost trying to identify what's wrong with them selves. Not to mention how often in all of medicine the status quo flips right on it's head and suddenly everything related to it was wrong.

Transition with surgery is something that shouldn't even be considered before the age of 18, and more probably 20-21. Even then it's possible to get it, and find out it's exactly not what you wanted. Other things like how one presents their gender identity and hormone therapy are less volatile. Though watch out with hormone therapy, because if memory serves hormone blockers are said to cause stress on the liver...

Side note: Captcha: upvote this (our computer overlords apparently support me on this.)

 

[visiblenoise]

I do now, and have always believed that being transgender is a really silly, confusing thing. I'd probably just explain to my child that what they like, what they do, and the things they're passionate about shouldn't ever be bound by what genitals they were born with, and that in my opinion, the society we live in cares far too much for over-classification and definition of identity. His, or her gender is nothing more than the genetics he or she was born with, and that doesn't change, but to allow them to be so uncomfortable with something that is, beyond genetics, so completely useless and irrelevant that they have to go through their life actively rebelling against what's attached to their body because they've assigned an arbitrary meaning to it I'd feel like I've failed a little in giving them greater perspective. I don't see why people care so much about what people call them, or what they "are" because what they are isn't the body they inhabit. I don't see why people feel like a "man" or a "woman" as opposed to just being a person. Personally, most of the transgendered people I've met have been a lot more unstable, or stuck in a specific frame of mind than the people who don't understand them.

This is the answer I wanted to write but couldn't express. The only time I feel that my gender/sexuality is relevant is when I'm trying to pull, which isn't often. Maybe we just live in nice places with nice lifestyles.

 

[Vault101]

Someone really need to explain to me why having non-standard interests such as a boy liking MLP or a girl liking Transformers indicates they're transgendered..

they don't

people have a hard time pining down what "gender" is so they assume people think theyre trans gendered over silly things like what their into or how they dress. When I was a kid for a long time I had trouble seeing myself as female because I didn't relate to ANY of the apparent facets of womanhood and it wasn't until I was 15 where you can't get away with that shit anymore that I "played along" for the sake of conformity

and yeah I think many aspects of my life would have (or would be) been better had I been born a man...but I don't identify as a man, I'm not a man, I'm a woman and I like my body just how it is, [footnote/] though it leans itself to androgyny better than other body types might, not that I really take advantage of that most of the time...[/footnote]

what I mean is I think it runs deeper than superficial stuff, and the superficial stuff is how we express what gender we are, particularly in a society that bases things on superficial stuff

then people sometimes take an essentialist view, like genitals or chromosomes...exept the existence of intersex people throws that out of whack, not to mention YOU probably don't know your OWN chromosome situation, let alone other peoples...and gentals? do they really matter unless we want to have sex with someone?

 

[AwesomeHatMan]

/Flombongo's first response

as transgendered woman myself, i have to say that there is so much here that is wrong. There are so many psychologists, psychiatrists and mental health experts that would tell you you are wrong, as well as people who have lived this.

If your child was transgendered, you just told them 'i don't accept you', and they may struggle with their feelings for a long time.

Or they may just reject your viewpoint and do whatever they can to get where they need to be. With, or without your blessing.

Chinangel I would do something similar to this, maybe saying it a touch differently (such as with less talk of butchery). I'd be asking questions such as:
"What is it about being a boy/girl that makes you want to be a boy/girl?"
and then listen to their answer. I predict I would probably most likely meet their response with something akin to:

"You don't need to be a boy/girl to do those things or feel this way. You can do that already. That doesn't make you a boy/girl, that makes you yourself and I love you just the way you are. I don't want you to ever feel like you should have to do things or feel certain ways to be a boy/girl or a girl/boy because it doesn't matter if you are a boy or a girl. What matters is the amazing you that you are on the inside that I, and your mother, love so very, very much."

I would like to know what you think is wrong with the perspective that gender identity is an unnecessary social construct and that we should just like what we like and not worry about masculine/feminine/male/female etc but instead focus on being a good person, free of bigotry, who loves and cares for others and who is so excited to explore the beauty we have in this world.

I would also like to remind you that just because experts agree with what you believe in, it doesn't make you right.

I like to think I would have raised a child who would be willing to listen to me as I would being willing to listen to them. I would hope my child would agree with what I had to say and feel no need to reject what I had to say.

Finally when I read you saying "get where they need to be", to me it sounded smug, self-righteous and with the belief that you must be right. This is a topic I have wanted to talk about with a transgendered person for a long time and I would be happy to talk further.

Best wishes.

 

[KyuubiNoKitsune-Hime]

Someone really need to explain to me why having non-standard interests such as a boy liking MLP or a girl liking Transformers indicates they're transgendered..

they don't

people have a hard time pining down what "gender" is so they assume people think theyre trans gendered over silly things like what their into or how they dress. When I was a kid for a long time I had trouble seeing myself as female because I didn't relate to ANY of the apparent facets of womanhood and it wasn't until I was 15 where you can't get away with that shit anymore that I "played along" for the sake of conformity

and yeah I think many aspects of my life would have (or would be) been better had I been born a man...but I don't identify as a man, I'm not a man, I'm a woman and I like my body just how it is, [footnote/] though it leans itself to androgyny better than other body types might, not that I really take advantage of that most of the time...[/footnote]

what I mean is I think it runs deeper than superficial stuff, and the superficial stuff is how we express what gender we are, particularly in a society that bases things on superficial stuff

then people sometimes take an essentialist view, like genitals or chromosomes...exept the existence of intersex people throws that out of whack, not to mention YOU probably don't know your OWN chromosome situation, let alone other peoples...and gentals? do they really matter unless we want to have sex with someone?

It's not just chromosomes that make the difference. There are all sorts of factors that shape who we are, how we act, and how we present our selves in society. Some of these things are genetic sure, but others still are based on the environment around us, and we're always in a sort of flux.

Part of the superficial nature of gender identity is based on the perception of what it means to be part of which gender.

You mentioned conformity, well it works the other way too. Someone who is trans might seek out the other gender's interests, or clothing, to conform to the standards of being recognized as a member of that gender.

 

[small]

first of all be absolutely stoked my child felt ok to tell me about this.

secondly and practically, hormone blockers till around 17 or 18 and this is from someone who is post operative transgender themselves